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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Think DH may have had an emotional affair

130 replies

yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:11

There was a woman on my DH's FB page that was constantly posting him messages and liking his photos / comments, always within seconds of him posting. Something about it made me uncomfortable so I asked him to put a stop to it.

He told me he'd messaged her saying it was a bit inappropriate. Then, last night we were sat together (around 11pm) and he got a message. The only reason I saw the name was because his phone was on the sofa between us.

It was her. I didn't even know she had his number. I made him show me the message and it said 'guess you've been busy today, goodnight babe xxx'

I asked him to explain and he said he met her through work a couple of years ago (now at a different job) and that they text every now and then.

I was upset and went to bed. Then I started thinking that about that text and decided I wanted to see the message he sent her on FB. My issue with it is that the text says to me that she was expecting to hear from him and that there's a certain level of familiarity between them, neither or which fit with what he's told me.

When I asked him to show me the message on FB he said no. I said he had to show me or leave & he packed a bag!

Eventually he went to show me but said his messages must have been deleted as he has removed her as a friend.

Also, whilst he was refusing to show me the FB message he said it wasn't because he had anything to hide, but because I was being 'irrational'

To put this into context we've been together 12 years, have 2 kids. We've had our ups and downs but everything has been pretty great these past 2 years. I would've said we're very happy and very much in love.

I'm hurt and confused by all this and would really appreciate another opinion.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 25/04/2011 18:15

messages remain if you've deleted that person. inbox messages i mean.

he's clearly been up to more than he should with her!

yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:16

what about sent messages?

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changingmynameagain · 25/04/2011 18:16

I'm sure someone more experienced and with better advice to give will be along soon but I couldn't leave your post unanswered.

My gut instinct is that he's having at the very least an emotional affair, if not more.

Sad sorry.

yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:18

Oh God that's what my gut is saying too. I can't believe this :(

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yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:19

I also really hated the fact that he turned it around on me - saying I was blowing it all out of proportion. Am I? I don't know...

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cherryburton · 25/04/2011 18:19

Bloody FB. Does sound like there's more to it if he's walked out over it. Sad

cherryburton · 25/04/2011 18:20

If you're blowing out of proportion what's he doing by leaving?!

changingmynameagain · 25/04/2011 18:20

I am guilty of putting xxx on the end of my texts, but I would never never call anyone but DP "babe"

I am so so sorry Sad

yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:21

He didn't actually walk out - although I literally had to beg him to show me the message he sent her on FB. He said he wanted to read it through first (?) as he couldn't trust my reaction to even the slightest thing (another ?).

Then when he went into his FB page he said the message was gone.

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changingmynameagain · 25/04/2011 18:21

If he had nothing to hide, he would've shown you the messages and not left.

He's trying to turn it onto you when it's actually him who is in the wrong. he's in denial.

ShoutyHamster · 25/04/2011 18:21

He will have made sure he's deleted stuff by now.

Can you get hold of mobile bills?

If he had the gall to pack a bag...I'd ask him to leave. To find somewhere else to stay until he'd had a good think about what he wanted - and if that was to be with me, to come back with an appointment for Relate in his hand and the determination to tell me absolutely EVERYTHING.

changingmynameagain · 25/04/2011 18:22

In other words, he went to FB, looked at the message, thought "oh fuck" and pressed delete.

Sad
yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:22

I don't know what to think. Yesterday I could've burst I felt so happy :(

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Xales · 25/04/2011 18:22

That is a very random text to someone you barely know and text occasionally.

So he packed a bag threatening to leave you then only oops showed you but it must have accidentally been deleted because he deleted her.

But of course he deleted it all because you were being 'irrational' not because he had something to hide. Yeah right........

Anyone else buy that in the slightest?

yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:23

His phone has a pin and I'm not sure what it is. I've never looked, but I don't see him being willing to let me now.

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changingmynameagain · 25/04/2011 18:23

Good call on the mobile bills Shouty if he's been texting/calling this woman lots then the same number will show up over and over again.

I'd be telling him to go and not come back unless he was going to own up to everything.

FabbyChic · 25/04/2011 18:24

Facebook messages do not go unless you delete them.

Why does she have his number? for what purpose? why is she calling him babe? and leaving kisses on a text, it is in appropriate he has been doing something and clearly knows it is wrong because he is deleting the evidence.

ShoutyHamster · 25/04/2011 18:25

Reading your post again...looks as if while he was 'packing a bag' he was frantically defriending her and deleting messages.

I'd be zero tolerance from the off. Tell him to leave until he can be completely honest with you, or leave for good.

Don't get bogged down in arguing about it. You need to go nuclear to demonstrate how serious this is from the off...then talk!

changingmynameagain · 25/04/2011 18:25

I leave xxx on messages to my female friends sometimes if they're going through a tough time or whatever but no way on earth would I call anyone babe except DP. And I dont' think I've ever put them on a text to a bloke except DP or DS. But then the only bloke I text regularly is DP.

pinkytheshrinky · 25/04/2011 18:25

Oh my goodness I have no advice but you must feel terrible. Please make sure you look after yourself in all of this - eat and all that. And please don't beg him for anything he will have cleaned everything up by now I am sure.

Agree with the ladies he would have shown you if there was nothing to hide and I would imagine this is at the least an emotional affair.

Poor you - have you support in rl?

BarbaraBar · 25/04/2011 18:26

"guess you've been busy today, goodnight babe" says to me that they speak/text daily and are definitely involved in some way.

Imho it's an emotional affair or even a full on physical affair.

Sad
yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:26

They worked together over 2 years ago and she had his number from then. But that doesn't make sense either, 2 years?!

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yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:27

Barbara that's exactly what I thought, I really don't know how I'm supposed to read it any other way tbh.

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yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:28

She doesn't live nearby, which is why I'm thinking (hoping) that's it's not physical. But of course I'm wondering if it got physical when they worked together...

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BarbaraBar · 25/04/2011 18:28

Oh Yellow. I'm so sorry for you.

I don't see any other explanantion.

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