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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Think DH may have had an emotional affair

130 replies

yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:11

There was a woman on my DH's FB page that was constantly posting him messages and liking his photos / comments, always within seconds of him posting. Something about it made me uncomfortable so I asked him to put a stop to it.

He told me he'd messaged her saying it was a bit inappropriate. Then, last night we were sat together (around 11pm) and he got a message. The only reason I saw the name was because his phone was on the sofa between us.

It was her. I didn't even know she had his number. I made him show me the message and it said 'guess you've been busy today, goodnight babe xxx'

I asked him to explain and he said he met her through work a couple of years ago (now at a different job) and that they text every now and then.

I was upset and went to bed. Then I started thinking that about that text and decided I wanted to see the message he sent her on FB. My issue with it is that the text says to me that she was expecting to hear from him and that there's a certain level of familiarity between them, neither or which fit with what he's told me.

When I asked him to show me the message on FB he said no. I said he had to show me or leave & he packed a bag!

Eventually he went to show me but said his messages must have been deleted as he has removed her as a friend.

Also, whilst he was refusing to show me the FB message he said it wasn't because he had anything to hide, but because I was being 'irrational'

To put this into context we've been together 12 years, have 2 kids. We've had our ups and downs but everything has been pretty great these past 2 years. I would've said we're very happy and very much in love.

I'm hurt and confused by all this and would really appreciate another opinion.

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changingmynameagain · 25/04/2011 18:28

So she hasn't got a new phone in the last 2 years then and had to decide what numbers to transfer over?

When I got my new phone, I had to transfer over numbers and I culled a lot of old colleagues (I have the numbers written down but they aren't in my phone iyswim)

That's a crock of shit - I wouldn't contact some random person I worked with two years ago and call them babe.

yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:29

Jesus. The happiest 2 years of my life :(

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TheVisitor · 25/04/2011 18:29

He's been caught doing something and is turning it around on you so he can try and wriggle out of it. Even if it's only at the talking stage, it's still too far.

ShoutyHamster · 25/04/2011 18:30

He won't let you see his phone? Oh no, I'm afraid the days of him getting to make a principled stand on issues of privacy are now over.

Demand the phone - now, not in half an hour when he's cleaned it. If he refuses, show him the door. Tell him you know there's been something going on, so he can make it worse by trying to cover up, in which case he is out (because there is absolutely no point in attempting to mend a relationship when he is still lying to you), or he can come clean and you can take things from there.

His choice. The choice he DOESN'T have is getting to lie and cheat (even about a few dodgy texts) and still keep his wife and family.

BUST HIS ASS.

yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:31

I know :(

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Xales · 25/04/2011 18:31

I think there is more to come yellow sorry Sad

First it is going to be 'we had a drunken snog at the works xmas party'.

Then it is going to be well maybe it was a little more than a snog but no sex, honest!

Then it will be, well it was just just the once and I was keeping her sweet on facebook/text so that she didn't tell you.

His first reaction wasn't don't be stupid here look at everything because I have nothing to hide.

Nope it is you are being irrational, I am packing my bags, leaving, deleting all my messages obviously because I have nothing to hide Hmm.

BarbaraBar · 25/04/2011 18:31

It may be that the relationship started up more recently (perhaps through FB).

How long has she been commenting/liking his stuff?

Do check her out on FB - a lot of people don't put decent privacy settings on their account and you might get some clues from that.

yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:32

I tried earlier - I was desperate, crying and shouting. It completely threw me when he refused point blank to how me the message and then panic and uncertainly set in.

I love him, this is my whole life.

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ShoutyHamster · 25/04/2011 18:32

And yes, that text shows quite clearly that they're in regular contact and she may have been expecting him to be able to give her a call today, but he hasn't been able to.

Don't let him take you for a fool on that one.

Reality · 25/04/2011 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:33

I did look at her. She's pretty :(. Married with 2 kids.

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BarbaraBar · 25/04/2011 18:34

Can you view her wall? Her updates?

yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:34

How do you argue with someone though when they SWEAR it's all down to you?

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yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:34

Well he's deleted her now and she's not my friend. I'll take a look...

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changingmynameagain · 25/04/2011 18:35

Yellow - it isn't down to you.

It really isn't you. it's him

He's in the wrong, he's been caught out and he is trying to guilt trip you / lie his ass off to wriggle out of it.

Diggs · 25/04/2011 18:36

Its typical they turn it all around or accuse you of over reacting . Dont accept this , its a way of deflecting the issue . Id also be very surprised if it was only an emotional affair.

I think id state that i know hes been having an affair , he can either be honest and discuss it properly , or he goes .

ShoutyHamster · 25/04/2011 18:36

Yellow, I would ask him to leave tonight.

Where are his family and what is your relationship with them like? Friends?

One of the best ways for you to take the power right now would be (if it's possible) for you to call his parents/good friends and tell them the situation and get them to put him up until he can decide what he wants to do - be completely honest with you, or separate.

If you say that AND MEAN IT, the shock of you being prepared to go public might get him talking right now.

Either way, you need to make it crystal clear that he either starts respecting your right to know EVERY FUCKING DETAIL or he gets out, now.

yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:36

I just can't believe he'd do this. Things have been great, we're that smug, happy couple.

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yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:37

So I don't sound irrational? Sorry for repetition, am still confused

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BarbaraBar · 25/04/2011 18:37

Perhaps it's recent

Perhaps he's flattered

Perhaps you've caught it in time?

(Where's WWIFN when you need her??)

yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:37

The scary thing is everything you're all saying are things I've already thought. I've just been trying to talk myself through them all.

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cherryburton · 25/04/2011 18:38

I'm so sorry, it really knocks you sick, doesn't it? A bit of space might be just what you need so you can both get your head around the situation.

BarbaraBar · 25/04/2011 18:38

Sorry - I know I'm clutching at straws but I feel so bad for you Yellow.

Sad
ShoutyHamster · 25/04/2011 18:39

You don't argue.

You just say, coldly and calmly:

'I am not a fool. Don't make this worse by trying to make me out to be one. You either sit down and start talking, or leave. Refuse to leave, and I will be picking up the phone and starting to make arrangements. Refuse to talk, and I will be on the phone to the solicitor in the morning. Do NOT make the mistake of thinking I don't mean it. And do NOT make the mistake of thinking that this will blow over. Your only chance to fix this is to start being honest, right now.'

You just keep saying it. If it doesn't work - start making phonecalls. Your family?

yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:39

I just don't know :(

All the warning signs are there. The text message late at night, the packed bag rather than showing me the message on FB, the deleted message.

I'd have to be an idiot to misinterpret that, surely? And I'm not an idiot.

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