Think DH may have had an emotional affair

[yellowbrickroad]

There was a woman on my DH's FB page that was constantly posting him messages and liking his photos / comments, always within seconds of him posting. Something about it made me uncomfortable so I asked him to put a stop to it.

He told me he'd messaged her saying it was a bit inappropriate. Then, last night we were sat together (around 11pm) and he got a message. The only reason I saw the name was because his phone was on the sofa between us.

It was her. I didn't even know she had his number. I made him show me the message and it said 'guess you've been busy today, goodnight babe xxx'

I asked him to explain and he said he met her through work a couple of years ago (now at a different job) and that they text every now and then.

I was upset and went to bed. Then I started thinking that about that text and decided I wanted to see the message he sent her on FB. My issue with it is that the text says to me that she was expecting to hear from him and that there's a certain level of familiarity between them, neither or which fit with what he's told me.

When I asked him to show me the message on FB he said no. I said he had to show me or leave & he packed a bag!

Eventually he went to show me but said his messages must have been deleted as he has removed her as a friend.

Also, whilst he was refusing to show me the FB message he said it wasn't because he had anything to hide, but because I was being 'irrational'

To put this into context we've been together 12 years, have 2 kids. We've had our ups and downs but everything has been pretty great these past 2 years. I would've said we're very happy and very much in love.

I'm hurt and confused by all this and would really appreciate another opinion.

atswim, he's had his number for a while - at least 3 years I think.

Not sure if this helps at all but from the other side ...

I've been texting a colleague, I'm married with kids, so is he, I knew that. This is horrible to admit but I'm a bit bored and have a crush on him. I've initiated almost all of the contact, he has replied, I know he's flattered, I've asked him to meet outside work but he's said he can't, he's married.

He works regular nights so I know there are 'safe' times to text him, I sent him a text very similar to the one your husband received after he hadn't replied to a couple of other messages. He replied to say he wasn't at work and wife had read text and was very upset. I haven't seen or heard from him or tried to contact him since.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe things aren't as bad as they seem.

Hope you managed to get some sleep yellow.

Hope you had an ok night Yellow.

You say you didn't get very far - sounds like he's still stonewalling/bullshitting you?

You asked further up what the hell you do if he just won't admit anything...

Well, you hold your line and you play hardball til he does by carrying out your threats to start the process of separating. Sounds scary! - but hear me out...

Remember, him not admitting anything is a TACTIC. He's thinking, 'she can't actually prove anything. All I have to do is KEEP LYING until she finally, finally gives in and lets it go.'

So, you don't do that. You have said that there are two choices - be honest and repair things, or keep lying and it's the end. Because the lying in itself is a dealbreaker. He won't start being honest so you carry out your threat. You get onto CAB about benefits, and a solicitor about separation/maintenance etc. You keep cool and just keep reiterating that no, this isn't a game, you don't want to be with a disrespectful liar any more than you want to be with a cheat. You start talking about no matter how hard it is, it will be better for the children to live with a separation than years of seeing a bad relationship where you are eaten up with resentment and mistrust. You throw in that what's the point anyway, you'll certainly never be able to bring yourself to sleep with a man you KNOW is lying to you, ever again. You also ask him to think how it must feel to have the person you thought was your beloved spouse try and make you think you are going mad, making you think you're paranoid. That on its own will kill any love here, won't it?

The aim of all this is to demonstrate to him that his approach, to sweat it out until you meekly shut up, is just not going to work. To make him realise that his choice now is to start talking honestly or lose his family. To win on this, you have to honestly go for it - actions not words - and show him ABSOLUTELY that you will go through with separation and divorce. You have to make him believe it completely.

This will give you one of two outcomes. Either he will start talking, in which case your hard-as-nails approach will stand you in good stead - you will have made it clear you won't take any shit so hopefully you stand a good chance of him beginning to be honest. Hopefully you can work things out from there.

Or - he keeps lying. And if that happens, then I think you know that it's because he has been having a full-blown affair, sadly. You said upthread that that would be a dealbreaker for you...so again, the hard approach might as well happen, sooner rather than later and after you having to suffer weeks/months of bullshit. Because this outcome means that he's a rotter.

Either way, you win. The only way you lose is if you lose your nerve and start capitulating and letting him off the hook. From what you've said so far, that way lies only unhappiness for you it seems. You won't find peace by trying to brush it under the carpet. Make sure he knows that - keep saying that his approach is doomed, because what he's trying to achieve here - getting you to let it alone - IS NOT A POSSIBLE ROUTE BACK TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE.

I really hope you can start to work it out.

Ignoring the "did he / didn't he?" question for now....

If you look at the facts of what you know, you can decide whether how he has behaved whatever is or isn't going on is acceptable to you. And whether this seems like usual behaviour from him. Even if he is innocent of an EA, are you happy with how he is treating you when all you've done is ask a completely understandable question given the circumstances?

For example, he receives a text. Possible responses:

• reply to OW: "I think you sent this to the wrong person"
• to wife "oh heck, I hoped I was wrong but it seems this woman I have been friendly with is taking things the wrong way"
• instantly replies to OW asking what she's playing at, and this sort of thing is inappropriate
• ignores it and sticks head in sand
• realises you saw it and tells you he has no interest in the woman, does all he can to reassure you
• tries to manipulate you e.g. threatens to leave
• tries to avoid the issue e.g. by turning the conversation / argument in another direction (you should trust me..)

Be aware, telltale signs of lying aren't about touching your nose etc, it's more about looking like you're on the run, having to think on your feet, building details over time, looking like you're trying to remember what was said previously so what you're about to say fits that story.

Our lass reads mumsnet. She left it up on the computer and I read this thread while my daughter and I were having breakfast. I was moved to post because if I was your bloke, and I was faced with some of the actions that have been suggested here, I would be off like a shot.

I love my wife dearly, and if I thought something was up with our marriage, I'd want two things:

-to make sure that I wasn't acting on the basis of wrong information or an assumption; and

• to make sure that the way I acted didn't make things worse.

I'd say that assuming your bloke has had an affair, accusing him of such, trying to guess what's happened from his mobile bill, trying to bully him into letting you see messages that he's decided not to show you, threatening to separate, threatening to walk out, threatening to take the kids with you and giving him ultimatums are all likely to make things worse.

For instance, if I was in a position where I'd not had an affair, but my partner was accusing me of having one and threatening to end the relationship if I didn't (say) let her vet everything that goes in and out of my e-mail account, I would question my partner's commitment to the relationship. Even if I agreed, I'd resent it going forwards. Generally, I think trying to police your partner's behaviour is a non-starter: you've got to trust each other, even when it's difficult.

I'd think about what you'd do in every likely scenario; you don't want to be taking decisions when you're both upset that you might regret - but find it difficult to back out of - later. By all means, think about what you'd do in the worst case. There's nowt wrong with that; it just gives you one less thing to worry about.

I'd definitely want to know what's happened, but I'd ask him to tell you on the basis of explaining that you love him, but that some of his actions have really upset you because they're giving rise to the fear that he's been unfaithful. I'd set out what you know - the text message, the attention he's got on Facebook - and ask him to explain it. Give him some time to think about it - you want to give him chance to remember that he should be honest to you because he loves you and he can see he's upset you, not because you've bullied him into it. Think about setting out what you want in writing too - it'll cut down on misunderstandings. If I was in his shoes, that'd be more likely to get me talking, rather than closing up and pulling out.

Good luck.

Luke

Luke,

'I'd definitely want to know what's happened... I'd set out what you know - the text message, the attention he's got on Facebook - and ask him to explain it'

That's exactly what she's done, and he's refused, then very obviously deleted any incriminating evidence (or tried to) before letting her see anything, then carried on lying (several of the things he's said about messages being automatically deleted have been shown to be bullshit by other Facebook users here).

Where would you go from there if it were your partner taking this approach to your distress and reasonable suspicion?

It sounds as if she's already, repeatedly, reminded him that he should be honest to her because he loves her. That has basically been the gist certainly of my suggestions - whether or not he's had/is having an affair is one thing, but the fact that when confronted with very incriminating evidence of cheating his reaction is to lie and try and convince her that SHE is the one somehow in the wrong, overreacting...that's a dealbreaker in itself, really. How can you have a relationship with a person whose default defence is to lie to you?

Ultimatums...threats...you betcha, and not empty ones either. I could quite possibly persuade myself to give it another go with someone who'd made a silly mistake. I would not be prepared to waste a minute on someone who would try to deceive me to my face and make me out to be mad and paranoid rather than have the honest discussion they owe me as my partner.

I absolutely agree with everything that ShoutyHamster has said

So sorry, OP

message her a link to this thread via facebook. The bitch. It should be easy enough to drop her DH a line as well.

Aye, it's the deceit that's the problem. As the old saying goes, if you're not happy with your partner reading/listening to/watching what you're doing with a person, don't do it or say it. I'm lesbian by natural preference(though happily married to a man) and have friends of both genders that I keep in regular contact with. Logically if I was barred from having any friendships with anyone I could theoretically fancy, I'd have no friends at all. But I'm absolutely clear with them that I am a friend to their marriage/relationship and want them to enjoy life to the full with their partner, and that my own marriage is rock-solid and filled with love. I don't hide things from my dh and I don't lie to him about what I'm doing. Neither do I share more with my friends than I do with dh, although sometimes I have to respect real confidences from them of course. If I was sending a text to a friend that said "guess you were busy today xx" or similar, I'd have no problem explaining it to them or their partner.

In other words, he's behaving in a very bizarre way if it's all innocent.

I'd say clearly a guilty conscience

Your the best judge of your DH here.

In contrast to what some on here have said I regualarly call men hunni and dear, even work collugues, it's just the person I am. I also have phone numbers from people I knew over 10 years ago and have not spoken to since.

You need to be calm and rational, do not accuse him of anything, don't make assumptions and don't demand to see the messages.

Ask him if he loves you, and if he wants to be with you. If the answers are yes then you need to work forward from there. Chances are he was having a flirt and now regrets it, people lie as a defence, it doesn't mean anything is going on more than some flirty messages.

Ask him if he loves you, and if he wants to be with you. If the answers are yes then you need to work forward from there.

So all he needs to do is reply "yes" to those 2 very simple questions and all will be well.

Of course.

Hi Luke - nice to have a blokes perspective. I think your approach would work very well.... with a man that loved & respected his wife. Clearly this guy doesn't :(

I agree with ShoutyHamster (& Royal Fucker!)

Yellow I feel so sorry that you are going through this horrible time, I know this feeling and its awful. I have just read this thread through and it appears to me that the text she sent was of the kind that you would send someone you didn't know well/only just started seeing. It sounds like she has been waiting for some form of communication and when it didn't come left what she thought was a gentle reminder. Surely a more established OW would have more of a sense of entitlement than that IYSWIM? Perhaps its not what it seems and your actions have nipped it in the bud. Good luck, be brave and don't be the one to leave the house.

Yellow, hope you've managed to get somewhere today and that things are going ok. Thinking of you x

Im afraid its definitely likely that he has at least had an EA and I think that at the very least..if he will not be honest then you are banging your head against a brick wall..you cannot just forget about it because he wont own up and really he could do with seeing what he stands to lose if he doesnt come clean and immediately take steps to rebuild your marriage..

My H had an EA via face book and also via text messages with a woman from work..when I discovered the face book affair..he immediately deleted all messages and password protected his laptop..de friended her on facebook..same scenario..she would always comment on his pics/statuses etc..to make matters worse she was an ex from when they were teens..I think a lot of it was ego stroking..he denied things and tried to make me see,m like a paranoid nutter..

Imagine everything the other way round. It was you that received the text message/facebook comments etc. You know that you would be bending over backwards to reassure him it was innocent - you'd show him facebook and your phone. But there is no way that text was innocent hun. If it was, he would NEVER have reacted the way he did. I am so sorry. I know you want it to go away. But it's not going to. He is lying to you. You can either tell him to leave and come back when he's ready to tell you the truth, or you can back down and try to sweep it under the carpet. I know those are horrible options. Sorry.

On a note - does your DH know you post here? It's just that I'm incredibly sceptical about a couple of the replies you've got.

I agree, belle

Those saying, effectively, put up and shut up

good lord I have landed on planet ridiculous.
I have never read such a pile of over reactionary nonsense in my life .

Demand he tells the truth now or you leave? People you have never met TELLING you there is an affair , of some sort, going on here?

OP your husband might be up to no good. Or he might not. NONE OF US HERE KNOWS. I hope you get to the bottom of this and there is a happy ending for you.

I will now stand back and wait to be personally attacked and accused of being your husband, your husband's mate, a man , an idiot...etc. Because I don't follow the mumsnet sheep.

I bet I'm not the only one of this opinion.

Wow, bleedingstill, calm down. Nobody has been personally attacked or called an idiot. I don't really know why you've got so irate. Nobody is going to personally attack you - or accuse you of being 'a man'? What an odd thing to say. You either are a man, or you're not, nothing to be accused of.

Anyway, the OP is obviously extremely distressed - that's why she posted. And we all hope she gets to the bottom of it and that there is a happy ending.

But seeing as how you've taken the time to post, maybe you'd be so kind as to let the OP know how you think she should do that?

bleedingstill - there are many people on here who have been through what the OP is going through. There is a 'script' - we can pretty much tell her what he will do or say next... it's easier to see that from the outside. Go and read some of the threads on 'Relationships' if you don't believe me.

Hope you're ok OP :(

You know the name of this woman on facebook. Can you see who her husband is, and contact him with a personal message through facebook? I would do that - let her worry about being found out too...

My husband had an emotional affiar a few years ago. If he is honest with you, you can work through it. I found it very hard to get straight answers out of my husband who seemed to think that, because he didn't kiss the other woman and did the right thing by returning home to me, it was okay and we didn't need to talk about it. I had to go direct to her to get all the details.

It is never the same again though it is weird - because we have a happy marriage now and things in a lot of ways are better than they were - but he lost my complete devotion when I discovered he had fallen for another woman (even for the few weeks) - now I know if it happened again, I could cope. I am stronger for it, but it is a sad kind of strong, because it means we no longer have such a dependent, earth shattering sort of love.

I wish you the best of luck working through the early stages of this. It is awful and you will deal with being sad, angry, sick, again and again... you will want to know every detail and he will not want to give you any. So go to her and to her husband for that info.

(((yellowbrickroad)))