Think DH may have had an emotional affair

[yellowbrickroad]

There was a woman on my DH's FB page that was constantly posting him messages and liking his photos / comments, always within seconds of him posting. Something about it made me uncomfortable so I asked him to put a stop to it.

He told me he'd messaged her saying it was a bit inappropriate. Then, last night we were sat together (around 11pm) and he got a message. The only reason I saw the name was because his phone was on the sofa between us.

It was her. I didn't even know she had his number. I made him show me the message and it said 'guess you've been busy today, goodnight babe xxx'

I asked him to explain and he said he met her through work a couple of years ago (now at a different job) and that they text every now and then.

I was upset and went to bed. Then I started thinking that about that text and decided I wanted to see the message he sent her on FB. My issue with it is that the text says to me that she was expecting to hear from him and that there's a certain level of familiarity between them, neither or which fit with what he's told me.

When I asked him to show me the message on FB he said no. I said he had to show me or leave & he packed a bag!

Eventually he went to show me but said his messages must have been deleted as he has removed her as a friend.

Also, whilst he was refusing to show me the FB message he said it wasn't because he had anything to hide, but because I was being 'irrational'

To put this into context we've been together 12 years, have 2 kids. We've had our ups and downs but everything has been pretty great these past 2 years. I would've said we're very happy and very much in love.

I'm hurt and confused by all this and would really appreciate another opinion.

It leaves you needing to decide if you are worth more than accepting lies from him or if you are going to accept what he has done/is doing and will continue to do and that this is all you are worth.

There is nothing wrong with asking him to leave for a few nights to give you space.

There is nothing wrong with seeing a lawyer and finding out what your options are.

Neither of these are final.

If he truly loves you, respects you and cares for you he will go if you ask without causing a scene to give you space to think.

You don't have to argue, cry, scream or shout at him. Tell him that calmly and his response will tell you everything you need to know.

If he didn't have anything to hide, he'd let you see his phone, his FB.

I wouldn't be bothered if DP saw mine - not that he's ever asked but I wouldn't hide it iyswim?

So sorry Yellow. Sounds like you are in no state to go anywhere yourself. Wait til they're in bed. Try and calm yourself, make sure you get time on your own - can you have a bath, let him get them to bed? No to drinking, you need a clear head!

You are absolutely right - there is nowhere to go if he won't be honest with you. It sounds like you're afraid that he'll try and run rings around you...but think about it, you don't need to fear that - because you don't need to accept it. All you need to do is keep repeating 'From what I can see, you've been having an affair. Right now, you're wasting your breath. I need you to go away for a night or two and think about what you really want. Then come and talk to me - honestly. If you can't do that, if all you can do is keep bullshitting, I will just start making arrangements to separate. It's as simple as that.

Just keep calm and when he starts making excuses, talking shit, let him. Listen away. Him talking just gives you more opportunity to gather your thoughts and when you do speak, your words are carefully considered. When he finally runs out of steam, or asks for a response, say - 'I've said what I think. It's not going to change. This is serious. Leave for tonight and start thinking very very hard. The only way this will be resolved is through complete honesty, and right now it's not happening.'

Can you phone your best friend?

Stay calm, you will be ok xxx

Ok, not sure if this is any real help, but I have just checked my Fb account private messages. There are several still showing from two people I am no longer 'friends' with. One is not even on FB anymore, but their old messages to me are still available for me to read. So, it does look as though messages have to be deleted manually rather than an automatic thing when you 'de-friend' or cancel a FB account.
Sorry

Ok Shouty, that last post has really helped. The fact that my DH may have had an affair has, of course, sent me into a panic.

My head is spinning and my heart is thumping.

I need to stick to what I know to be the truth and hold onto my own sense of self.

Well then there's something else he's lying about :(

So sorry sweetheart.

Deep down you know he is lying or you wouldn't be posting on here. We have just validated your thoughts and feelings. /hugs

he'll likelly do the stealth reveal....eventually.....it sounds like it will be hard work getting anything out of him at all

Oh please listen to me when I type this

I was in an identical position to this 18 months ago. I swept it under the carpet and gave hom the benefit of the doubt. IT IS EATING ME UP EVERY DAY!! PLEASE DO NOT BACK DOWN!!! Make him leave until he is honest. My husband swore it was me, deleted all phone history, changed all passwords and refused to come clean about secret phonecalls that I saw on phone bills.

PLEASE DO NOT GIVE IN! IT WILL DRIVE YOU TO DESPAIR!!

Yellow, I can imagine, you're probably feeling utterly awful right now. But, this is the worst bit. He may not have actually had an affair. He may have 'just' been enjoying getting his ego stroked - who knows? Yes, he's clearly lying through his teeth and is covering the tracks for something. But you don't know what it is yet. So all is not lost.

Glad my post helped. Think - he is in a total panic too right now. So the calmer you are - just letting him bluster away while you stand there expressionless - is a good tactic a. because it's nice and easy and calming for you and b. because it's going to rattle him even more (listen carefully to what he'll be saying, he may well give something away). All you need to do is get some time on your own now and get clear in your head the few sentences you need to make it clear to him that you aren't going to accept a word of it. Lots of options, all say the same thing. They're all you need to say. WHATEVER he comes out with, don't dignify any of it with a response, don't get into an argument. Silence, until you calmly reiterate your point:

'From what I can see, you've been having an affair. Right now, you're wasting your breath. I need you to go away for a night or two and think about what you really want. Then come and talk to me - honestly. If you can't do that, if all you can do is keep bullshitting, I will just start making arrangements to separate. It's as simple as that.'

'I've said what I think. It's not going to change. This is serious. Leave for tonight and start thinking very very hard. The only way this will be resolved is through complete honesty, and right now it's not happening.'

'I can see with my own eyes that you're lying, deleting and trying to cover up something. I don't know what it is yet, but I'll find out. If you won't even start to be honest with me, I won't even need to find out, I'll leave you for the very fact that you will lie and bullshit like this to your wife and family. I don't want to live with a cheater or a bullshitter.'

Ask him, as many times as you need to, to leave. If he refuses, shrug and say, 'I have my answer then. I'll start making arrangements for us to separate in the morning.' And mean it - as others have said - you don't need to do anything in a hurry, but you can certainly start taking advice on what would happen if you DID split. That in itself will make him see you mean business.

Good luck, I will be thinking of you. So horrible for you, my heart goes out to you xx

When you delete a message on facebook, it goes into archive, and they then have to be deleted again, he might not realise this, any chance he'd let you have another look at his messages (he might not mind if he's deleted everything) you could then see if there is anything left in the archive folder, you'll find it at the bottom of the message page, in small writing just below the last message.

I'm sorry this is happening to you :(

He's lying. There is no 'other option'. No one texts 'I guess you have been busy today Babe xxx' to a bloke who they aren't in some kind of relationship with. Clearly she was expecting to have heard from him but he'd been too busy to call/text her.

I'm so sorry you thought things were good but he's been lying to you :(

I agree with Shouty .

Dont get into petty arguments about deleting messages or looking at his phone , you know what you know . I would really really try to get him to leave for a few days , its often only when they feel the consequences they start to get real .

You have another option - give this woman a call yourself and see what she says..? x

So sorry to hear you are going through this. I was in the same situation about 3 months ago.

Ex had EA and reacted in the same way - the lying was astonishing. I am still uncovering lies now. His behaviour made me paranoid and ill over the weeks that followed.

I have no idea what to say to make you feel better it's horrible and I wish I could be there to hold your hand.
My mistake was letting him back home giving him a chance and time to come clean. He never did. He just resented me for asking him questions.

Trying to work things out when he was incapable of being honest was so exhausting. He point blank refused. Even in councelling.

He broke my heart all over again by ending the relationship. I think OW was still in picture but have no proof.

I wish I had taken control at the beginning. It would still have been awful but I would have felt less torment over the constant lying. When he refused to talk I should have just made the decision to separate. I was persuaded to give it time by counseling Sessions. Wish I hadn't bothered now.

I hope he sees sense. My ex had no intention of ever telling the truth. I was unable to trust him. It made life unbearable.

He was embarrassed and ashamed about his behavior when caught but Quickly turned it around on me. He left the house rather than show me his emails then deleted them.......So I get what that feels like, please don't fall for it.

Whatever has happened it is fishy and his reaction is making it worse.

If he wants to live at home get the Lock off phone. And total transparency otherwise you will go mad.

Try and be kind to yourself and call a friend/ family to vent if it helps. The shock is awful.

Thinking of you. X

Yes what whatsallthehullaballoo said - much quicker and to the point than my rambling post.

Just read the thread. I wanted to say that you have had excellent advice here. Do not let him convince you that you are the irrational one. You have perfect good reason to suspect an affair and it is up to him to prove you wrong. if he loved you and was innocent, then he would.

Big hugs to you and look after yourself and the DC first and foremost.

Just a thought but if he won't tell you why don't you message her on facebook and ask her if she is having an affair with your dh? Your dh has probably already given her the heads up, i would tell her that unless she tells you the truth you will tell her dh after all he deserves to know too.

Shouty is spot on, have been there myself and she talks absolute sense. I really really wish I had done that from the outset. How your H behaves now is crucial to whether you can make things work.

Defensiveness, lying and trying to shift the blame to you, or call you paranoid are all massive red flags that he's hiding an affair. Be as strong as you can be, and demand to be treated with respect and fairness. He owes you that.

Am so sorry for you, I know that sickening feeling all too well.

Okay, a few truths about your situation as I see it.

I believe you when you say you have a very happy marriage, but affairs happen in happy marriages and perhaps your beliefs about why affairs happen are stopping you from fearing the worst and seeing the evidence that's mounting up.

He might not have said anything derogatory whatsoever about you or your marriage to the OW - there are lots of OW who don't need to believe a marriage is unhappy to have an affair and it is a complete myth that they are always duped victims of an unscrupulous man. If she's married with DCs herself, it is likely that their script is entirely different.

He is most definitely lying and hiding things and there is an affair going on here, either physical and/or emotional.

When someone is being defensive and accusing you of paranoia and jealousy, it is often helpful to reverse the situation onto him and ask him how he would feel if he had made your discoveries and you had been found out in a blatant lie.

The bottom line however is that you don't need him to admit anything. You know that this is unacceptable and a boundary has been crossed. The onus should shift to him now to disprove your suspicions, or come clean. I think you've been given excellent advice about telling him that if he has an ounce of respect for you and wants to continue in this marriage, he should start telling the truth now. Anything less and you vote with your feet.

Yellowbrickroad, how long has he had that phone number?

His own number, I mean.

Hi all, just wanted to come on and say thank you to all of you that have come onto this thread to give me advice and support.

We've been talking, although I'm not sure we've got anywhere. I am exhausted though so I'm going to bed and he's having the sofa.

I really don't know what's going to happen next. He still isn't really giving me anything, but Shouty's advice really helped. I've been calm and simply reitterated the things I KNOW to be true.

I'll be back tomorrow. Night x