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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Think DH may have had an emotional affair

130 replies

yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:11

There was a woman on my DH's FB page that was constantly posting him messages and liking his photos / comments, always within seconds of him posting. Something about it made me uncomfortable so I asked him to put a stop to it.

He told me he'd messaged her saying it was a bit inappropriate. Then, last night we were sat together (around 11pm) and he got a message. The only reason I saw the name was because his phone was on the sofa between us.

It was her. I didn't even know she had his number. I made him show me the message and it said 'guess you've been busy today, goodnight babe xxx'

I asked him to explain and he said he met her through work a couple of years ago (now at a different job) and that they text every now and then.

I was upset and went to bed. Then I started thinking that about that text and decided I wanted to see the message he sent her on FB. My issue with it is that the text says to me that she was expecting to hear from him and that there's a certain level of familiarity between them, neither or which fit with what he's told me.

When I asked him to show me the message on FB he said no. I said he had to show me or leave & he packed a bag!

Eventually he went to show me but said his messages must have been deleted as he has removed her as a friend.

Also, whilst he was refusing to show me the FB message he said it wasn't because he had anything to hide, but because I was being 'irrational'

To put this into context we've been together 12 years, have 2 kids. We've had our ups and downs but everything has been pretty great these past 2 years. I would've said we're very happy and very much in love.

I'm hurt and confused by all this and would really appreciate another opinion.

OP posts:

cherryburton · 25/04/2011 18:40

ShoutyHamster talks sense.

Original poster

yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:40

I have my mum and my in-laws nearby.

OP posts:

Original poster

yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:41

Barbara I appreciate the straw clutching - thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:42

I walked out this afternoon. I just wanted some space. He didn't even ask me where I was going and when I got back he'd taken the kids out.

No harm in that I guess, I just wanted him to be more concerned about me I suppose.

OP posts:

ShoutyHamster · 25/04/2011 18:43

No, you don't sound at all irrational.

He, however, sounds like he's ticking all the boxes. It's all in your pretty little head darling. Hmm, no. Doesn't sound like it to anyone on here.

You leaving for the night/ a few days is the less good option, but still better than staying there and going to bed in the same house tonight as if it's just a normal old disagreement. He sounds pig-headed enough to think he can talk you round out of this one. Save yourself a lot of heartache and go nuclear right now, tonight. Leave or get him to.

Is there anywhere you and the children could go?

Original poster

yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:44

Not really, only to a hotel. My mum is going through a divorce and I couldn't go to my in-laws - not because they're not lovely but I just wouldn't feel comfortable there.

My closest friend is miles away :(

OP posts:

Xales · 25/04/2011 18:45

Do you have a good relationship with one of them? Preferably your mum? Call her and tell her talk it through with her. Do not keep it hidden you may feel ashamed but it is not your dirty little secret it is his and he is not telling.

Can you live with never knowing?

You need answers. Is is an EA? Is it more? Do you need to go and get an STI check because he has screwed another?

Look on relationships for a recent thread where OP didn't even know her H had given her an STI 6 years ago before they got married!

You must be completely shattered /hugs

kerrymumbles · 25/04/2011 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShoutyHamster · 25/04/2011 18:46

How is your relationship with the inlaws?

I'd call them if you can and ask them to put him up.

I don't think he's going to do anything except try damage limitation tonight. He needs a good dose of realising it's bigger than that. If you can pack him off, letting the inlaws know why, it will make it a lot harder for him to minimise. They'll be asking him the same questions as you have and it'll give him a sharp dose of reality. Possible?

changingmynameagain · 25/04/2011 18:47

I agree with kerry.

Your H needs to be totally and utterly completely honest with you TODAY.

He needs to tell you everything.

Or I'd be packing his stuff.

Xales · 25/04/2011 18:47

I agree with Kerry OW has probably had enough of waiting for him to leave his deranged, selfish wife for her and was hoping that this would happen.

Original poster

yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:48

Oh God Xales that's horrible. I'm not any of those things :(

OP posts:

changingmynameagain · 25/04/2011 18:48

To be fair, he's probably fed the OW a crock of shit as well

Xales · 25/04/2011 18:49

I never said you are and I never meant that so sorry.

But if he has been stringing on another woman for a while promising to leave her he is not going to be saying you are really sweet and lovely!

Please I really didn't mean that I think you are!

Original poster

yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:50

But....we're happy. Sorry, am crying now...

OP posts:

Original poster

yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:50

Oh no Xales, I know - it was just a shock to read it like that. I know it wasn't what you thought, IYSWIM

OP posts:

Xales · 25/04/2011 18:52

I really didn't mean it that way sorry.

Do you think it may be a coincidence that you have been really happy the last 2 years or because he has been happy and being nicer due to being involved with another woman?

ShoutyHamster · 25/04/2011 18:52

Well if all else failed I'd be going to the hotel - but first I'd be doing my best to get him to leave. If his parents are nearby he needs to give you space and to go there.

I would be saying that he had the option of going tonight to his mum and dads or staying against my wishes - in which case I'd know that he had no interest in fixing things.

That's the line to take - you KNOW something has gone on. No point in him bullshitting you, it isn't gonig to work. Tell him to save his breath on all of it. The thing to discuss now is whether he wants to fix it. Minimising, telling you you're overreacting, refusing to let you see his phone, refusing to respect you enough to get the hell out for tonight so you can think - fine, he can do all those things. Just say in return that choosing those options clearly shows that he doesn't want to fix this, so you'll be on the phone to the solicitor in the morning. No more discussion.

MissFenella · 25/04/2011 18:54

Is this a deal breaker for you if he has been flirting?

Original poster

yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:54

I don't want to argue again infront of the kids. I'll wait until they're in bed and then gather my resolve.

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Original poster

yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 18:55

If he's actually cheated - on the long term, then yes MissFenella. If it's just text messages etc, as long as he's honest with me then we could (hopefully) work through it, but there's no where to go if he won't be honest with me

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Original poster

yellowbrickroad · 25/04/2011 19:02

I just went to tell him that I'd contacted FB and asked them if messages would be removed if a person was deleted off an account and that they said no, they'd need to be deleted manually.

I said he's lying about something and he just shook his head saying he isn't.

What do I do if he won't admit ANYTHING?

Where does that leave me?

OP posts:

changingmynameagain · 25/04/2011 19:03

So so sorry

We need WWIFN

magicmelons · 25/04/2011 19:04

So sorry for you, not much to say except listen to shoutyhamster. You need to be clear calm and in control. He clearly thinks he can bully you and make you think your going mad.

My mum spent ten years with my dad and he had numerous affairs this was his trick to make her think she was paranoid and overbearing. She spent years feeling guilty for what she thought was her own jealousy.

The text your husband got is completely inappropriate and there could be a reasonable excuse, i once laid into my husband about a message he got on facebook saying "i hope everything is ok xx" turned out it was just about his status the difference is my husband talked me through what it was about and i have full access to all fb, email and mobile. You have given your dh this chance and he has responded badly.

MissFenella · 25/04/2011 19:05

Consider he will be feeling a prat, for flirting and then being caught. Take your time to consider the facts and only act when you are ready. Don't jump to conclusions either, his reluctance to be honest may be hiding shame.

A conversation about what you find unacceptable re: other relationships would be a start.

Good luck and stay in control x

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