Well it's Friday so a sex question TMI

[changingmynameagain]

I am a regular who has name changed for this as I am so embarrassed.

I am divorced. XH was crap in bed - never made any effort to make me orgasm, just used my body for what he needed.

In 20 years of being together I could count the number of times he made me cum on the fingers of one hand, literally.

I now have a lovely DP and everything in that department is much better

But there's always a but

I can let DP bring me "off" with fingers, but he wants to go down on me and I can't let him because the one and only time XH did it he said I tasted disgusting and he wouldn't go near that area again.

and I can't believe I just typed that.

Anyway, the thing is, how do I get over this in my head is there anything I can do?

Wine.

wait til wine o'clock and i am sure the answers will appear. My advice bump this thread later and there will be good advice.

You know that your XH has done this to your thinking, don't you?

Are you worried that if your DP does go down on you once, and then never wants to again, he will confirm the crap your ex has put in your mind?

In my, admittedly limited, experience, men who want to give oral sex are interested in giving their partner pleasure, without expecting any return. Your DP wants to give you a good time. Why not let him?

Have you thought about making it part of a bit of bathroom fun? Start of in the bath/shower together. At least you'll know you are clean and fresh.

More helpful people will be along soon, I'm sure.

Thank you folks.

And thank you most of all for not laughing at me

I DO know it's the ex - he was the only bloke I was ever with, we got together when I was 16 so I had no other experience before him.

And thanks for the advice - I'll bump later

have you spoken to your DP about the quite frankly rubbish your X was saying to you?

(tbh he was probably covering for his own inadequacies as a chap I went out with hated it - least he was honest to say he didn't like doing oral.)

oh and finally the fingers thing - I have the same problem - not the end of the world though, - there's otherways of achieving the end result so to speak!

DTM - Haven't spoken to DP just kind of distract him

I do have a bit of a problem with the fact that he wants to, to paraphrase foundwanting give me pleasure with no expectation of return.

And I know that is something in my head that comes or not from the ex as well.

well tbh I think (and call me nieve as I'm quite young in comparison), that sex is more that just the physical act - as is having the big 'o' (taken a long long time to realise that as well post XH).

with DP i've been able to learn that talking through my fears ref the sex thing has meant that it's gone from being a non intimate act (as with XH) to something quite special and intimate, but that's only happened through us sharing our thoughts on the sex (and it's been a long shakey road to get there tbh). Also remember that oral sex is one of the most intimate things to do (I think anyhow) so it will take a bit of confidence, bit of wine, and a bit of relaxing.

DTM - well I am very definitely NOT young

thing is, I know I'm not being fair because I love doing the oral sex thing on him, and it's hardly fair if I don't let him do it on me.

And I know it's all part of the hang-ups about the ex.

Sigh.

I don't drink either (well one glass at christmas) so the is out.

DP and me are very close and he's very cuddly and touchy feely which I really struggled with - I love it, but it was weird at first that he want to touch me and it didn't have to be all about sex.

TBH - I think your XH probably said that to you to ensure that he didn't have to do it again as he could not be bothered to put the effort in! From what you have said he sounded like someone who was only interested in his own gratification! Your DP sounds lovely, as previously suggested why not have a bath/shower together then let him do it, you should have peace of mind then that you will not 'taste disgusting' - go on you deserve to have a great time with a loving man!

I would suggest having a really nice bubble bath first so you feel comfortable that you are clean and fresh which should relax you. Its complete rubbish what your ex said and men who like doing it, like this gut clearly does, mind it a massive turn on

Hazel - spot on I think.

Sex was just all about him, it wasn't about me. TBH for a long time it was a chore, something to get over asap. It's hard to explain, but since I wasn't getting anything out of it, I just wanted it over and done with as soon as poss.

BTW it wasn't rape or anything before anyone gets that idea, I consented, I just wanted it over and done with.

Kimber - he's a real gem. I'll have a bath first. What he actually said when he was "sexting" (which is a word I learnt on here) the other night was "having you let me tongue and finger you to climax will be a massive treat for me"

and again, did I actually just tell a load of strangers off the interweb that

Sorry meant guy not gut - bloody iPad. I have had sexual partners in the past who have begged me to let them and wanted nothing in return, fantastic! A good sign of things to come (excuse the pun) with this chap.

kimber I knew what you meant

He's a really decent good bloke (well I think so) and a toy boy to boot

One thing that might persuade you is that actually, once a DP/DH has had a few goes and gets good at it, its bloody good! You'll kick yourself for missing out!

You won't taste "funny" down there. Your Xh was being a b**d. Given yourself a trim and have a shower. Then you will be like a delightful spring flower down there and your DP will be delighted. The initiative is coming from him, he wants to do it (bless that man!) and he will enjoy it! If you DP is the kind of man to ask to do it he probably, like many men, enjoys the flow of the feminine juices anyway!

ROFL @ "delightful spring flower"

I suppose I kind of struggle with why he would want to. But then I kind of struggle with why he wants me anyway. Which is another hang up from the ex I need to get over

You've had good advice. I just wanted to reiterate that for some blokes it's the ultimate treat to go down on a woman. Luckily for me DP is one of them .

I think you are on the road to realising that what your exH said was his problem and not yours. And I am sure once you relax enough to let your DP do the deed that will be concreted in your mind . Shower and then enjoy!

Wash - see that's what DP thinks - for him it's a real treat.

It's one thing to know it was exH problem, it's another to get him completely out of my head though IYSWIM?

I would definitely tell him what your XH said. This will make your DP even keener no doubt to treat you kindly and show you what you have been missing all of these years :-)

Won't he think I'm weird if I tell him though?

No, he'll think your XP is weird. And it's good if he knows, so that in case you are uptight or want him to stop or whatever he knows it's not his fault and it's not a no-forever if you're not ready now.

My first P said my fanjo looked like a sea creature and freaked him out with its 'pulsing'. Thanks for that, XP! Luckily every partner since was really into it but it took me ages to relax and enjoy myself and it's just good to be open and honest.

changing, you could be me. Except I have only ever had one lovely partner and he hasn't caused my hang ups. They come from me.

I don't 'let' dh go down there. I don't believe he truly wants to, am convinced it'll be hideous for him and I'm so hung up on it that I wouldn't enjoy it anyway.

I WISH I could get past it because I've never had an orgasm. Well once when I was a teenager. I'm so bloody uptight.

I don't drink either.

Thing is DH really, really wants to and I enjoy giving an awful lot. Silly isn't it?

I may lurk if you don't mind?

Turtles - I am SOOOO relieved it's not just me.

Lurk all you want.

I can orgasm on my own, it's a control thing too I think - I can come if DP uses fingers - I need to relax.

Maybe I should get exceedingly rip-roaringly drunk?

I've been in a very similar position too, and I agree with what everyone else has said. I've got another suggestion for you, something my new partner did which really helped me get over any anxieties that I tasted bad down there- I hope it doesn't freak you out though. After we'd been having fun with fingers, he tasted some of the juices that were on his fingers. Oh my god, I cannot believe I've just typed that... anyway, his reaction was very positive, and I think the fact that it was so controlled- there was only a tiny bit of me on him, instead of him being faced with the whole shebang, really helped to reassure me that he did indeed find the taste of me desirable. Hope that helps!

Firstly, thank god your name change worked...

I second the showering and a bit of ladygarden topiary so you know you're ship-shape and Bristol fashion, and that will give you more confidence. I wouldn't explicitly say what the XH said (git, by the way), but certainly say you feel a bit self-conscious.

Here's something I can't quite believe I'm typing on t'interweb myself , but have you tasted it yourself? That would reassure you your XH was talking nonsense.

Your partner sounds like a right good 'un, so well done you!

I did wonder if I'd get called troll but I am a regular, honest.

I am so glad there's more people than me like this

I could try the tasting - never thought of it

Isn't it funny how t'interweb makes you able to share stuff/get advice about stuff that you would never ever mention in RL?

Don't get drunk, that's the best way of having no orgasm at all.
I agree with Fanjo that you need to taste yourself , then you will realise it's not at all unpleasant, if you are a bit squeamish then snogging him after he's been down on you or having a taste of his cock after it's been inside you is less erm, direct.