Wife incapable of loving me - what do I do now?

[Nigel10]

It started off as a sex thing - I wanted it more, she wanted it less. Then she didn't want it at all. She admits to having no sex drive at all.
I have spent the past 9 month doing everything I can to inspire some desire in my wife - to make her love me and want to be with me.
I love her so much and only want to be with her but she seems unable to show any love, desire, affection or intimacy towards me. Yes we do have sex (and she enjoys it I think) but she'd much rather be doing something else.
I appreciate this is probably a very common situation but as a man I want to share my feelings on this. I am near breaking point and very sad at the love we seem to have lost. I have cried more times in the last 6 months than in my entire life. I can no longer talk to my wife about this as she says it puts pressure on her.
Simply I need more love in my life, I want to be desired, to be touched lovingly but the one I want doesn't want to do this anymore.
I never wanted an affair but now when I hear about people having an affair I don't judge them as I once would have - I partly understand what may have driven them to do it.
For me I see no way to win back my wife - the more she pushes me away the more I want her, the more love I show her the less she wants me. It's a hopeless mess.
Does anyone share what I'm going through? I'd love to hear if there can be a happy ending to this.
Any advice is welcome - except the obvious. Believe me I have done everything to win back her desires (gifts, spa breaks, backing off, house work, fixing up the house, surprise dinners where we got married, date nights...blah blah blah).
This is destroying my relationship with her and she seems oblivious and unconcerned.

Nigel, you need to talk to your wife and tell her your concerns, you should suggest going to counselling. If she is unwilling then maybe then you should think about splitting. Please do not consider having an affair.

I wish my first husband had suggested this before embarking on an affair because he was unhappy in our relationship. He never told me and I had no idea he was so unhappy. Talk to her. ExH having the affair was such a terrible time in my life, and my childrens.

Nigel it amazes me that you don't understand that a person cannot just have sex because they're required to. If you were being asked for sex when you're really not turned on, could you perform? Of course not. So why should your wife be any different? Do you expect her to just open her legs and let you at it regardless of her own feelings? That makes me feel sick TBH. You have two young children, you have to accept that sex is not high on the agenda and won't be for another few years. That's the reality of life. If you're not happy with the situation go and find yourself another woman, but don't have any children with her or you'll find yourself in exactly the same situation again.

I feel quite sorry for your wife and I hope all this combusts so that she can get a bit of peace from you.

What would make you happy nigel?

I am confused now. You are getting reasonable regular sex. OK she isn't champing at the bit but you can't force that and surprisingly the threat of an affair isn't going to help What exactly is it that you want? And have you told her what that is?

BTW thanks for making me feel inadequate and ignored. I posted in a genuine attempt to help earlier because I could see that my DH and you were similar and I wanted to show you how it can work, and you have either ignored my post or decided it wasn't worthy of your attention. Nothing, but nothing anyone can say is going to turn into a salivating sex kitten and it seems that anything less isn't good enough.

Nigel - there are other things in life than sex. You sound a bit obsessed. True, you don't get it as much as maybe someone in the initial stages of a relationship, but you do still have a regular sex life with your wife. To you, this is a source of great dissatissfaction.

You come across as having no empathy with your wife and seeing her as a recepticle for having sex with and as carrying out part of a job (ie. looking after the children, running the house). You kid yourself that this is ok by cloaking it in words like "loving" and "sexual development" (tbh that last phrase terrifies me and makes me conjour up all sorts of wierd and strange sexual practices and marathon length sex sessions).

You cannot compromise her lower libido with your higher one. It sounds like she has already compromised hers by probably having sex with you when she doesn't really want to.

Have you never considered that it is you that has the problem? You still view sex in the same terms that a teenage boy or young man with no attachments might, and seem unaware that people's libidos change with circumstance or naturally, over time.

Yes, you can live your life dictated to by sex, where it is the most important thing. If thats the case, then you will probably have an affair or two, end up divorced and spending all your spare time seeking out what sex you can get. Alternatively, your wife might get fed up with being constantly pestered for sex when she feels you should know that she doesn't want it, and divorce you.

Hang on, wasn't there a thread the other day from a woman whose bloke had an ED and the overwhelming response was 'if he won't sort it leave him'??

I feel really sorry for the OP. In his posts he made it clear that it was love and affection he was looking for, not just sex.

He's getting a shag most weeks smallwhitecat. With two small children, that's not bad going. And yes, it's fine to have a wank if you're really in need of sexual release. I don't think anyone is saying that is the same as having a shag.

The advice been offered on this thread is just useless, none of it is practical at all.
Nigel - you have young children so ending the marriage is a no-no.
So, why not just have an affair and keep it quiet. Nothing too serious, just a fling, or a few flings - anything really to fulfull your sexual needs. Just bat it out for a while basically while your wife gets her libido back. I guarantee, an affair could save your marriage as it will stop you pawing your wife and badgering her for sex and she, in turn, will respond more positively to you.

Wow bbird1 - that's great advice

thank you MarianneM

You don't have to have sex to have intimacy. Nigel, speak to your wife, agree to a sex hiatus for x amount of time and develop intimacy in other ways. Then when the hiatus is finished start introducing sex (not necessarily full sex to start with) back into your relationship. You'll probably find that your wife may actually want to have sex with you and not just do it to shut you up.

I have to say though, 1 to 4 times a month is regular when you have young children.

bbird - I gave good advice, having been in a similar situation, your advice is truely shit! Hope one day your DP/DW cheats on you and then you will see the devastation it causes.

I confess I haven't read the whole thread but I suspect Nige is looking for some Mumsnet fun. Is this what desperate blokes do now? Post 'I am all sensitive and virile and lovely but my wife doesn't understand me' on a largely female website and then wait for the offers to roll in?

rodneymarsh - im sure my partner would never cheat on me, thanks largely to my prowess in the bedroom

Unrulysun "I confess I haven't read the whole thread but I suspect Nige is looking for some Mumsnet fun. Is this what desperate blokes do now? Post 'I am all sensitive and virile and lovely but my wife doesn't understand me' on a largely female website and then wait for the offers to roll in?"

Totally!

Even the title indicates little desire to sort it out with his wife. They have sex once a week, yet his wife is incapable of loving him. Quite an achievement really.

Alistron1 - there was indeed, which is why this thread shows MN at it's close ranks bosom hoiking judgmental best! The OP was under attack within the first few posts, his first mistake being of course to be critical of his wife. MN functions brilliantly as a place for women to sound off about their partners and get a lot of tea and sympathy. No man is going to find that same response, so of course in the narrative that has developed OP is now a sex pest pseudo rapist and his wife is poor downtrodden but essentially noble as she single handedly runs the home, looks after the kids and the farm and the sick parents whilst still trying hard to make herself available to satisfy the dark needs of her insatiable beast of a husband (nb- like many posters here I may have embellished the back story somewhat). Meanwhile a woman who's husband is affectionate but has problems with penetration is advised to dump him because any truly loving and caring husband would do everything possible to satisfy her perfectly natural sex drive.

You really couldn't make is up, no wonder journos and writers come here for inspiration, it's priceless!

Only comment is how is it cheating if she is no longer interested in that aspect of their relationship. Provided he is not leaving to be permanently with another woman.

did Nigel really tell us it isn't unreasonable to "touch without permission" ???

really ?

bbird... gosh you are deluded...do you think being a goer in the bedroom would stop your partner cheating if he/she felt like it ?

oh dear

the relationships boards are full of people who had regular, adventurous sex with their partners and they still got traded in for a different model

nesbo post of the night goes to you!