Wife incapable of loving me - what do I do now?

[Nigel10]

It started off as a sex thing - I wanted it more, she wanted it less. Then she didn't want it at all. She admits to having no sex drive at all.
I have spent the past 9 month doing everything I can to inspire some desire in my wife - to make her love me and want to be with me.
I love her so much and only want to be with her but she seems unable to show any love, desire, affection or intimacy towards me. Yes we do have sex (and she enjoys it I think) but she'd much rather be doing something else.
I appreciate this is probably a very common situation but as a man I want to share my feelings on this. I am near breaking point and very sad at the love we seem to have lost. I have cried more times in the last 6 months than in my entire life. I can no longer talk to my wife about this as she says it puts pressure on her.
Simply I need more love in my life, I want to be desired, to be touched lovingly but the one I want doesn't want to do this anymore.
I never wanted an affair but now when I hear about people having an affair I don't judge them as I once would have - I partly understand what may have driven them to do it.
For me I see no way to win back my wife - the more she pushes me away the more I want her, the more love I show her the less she wants me. It's a hopeless mess.
Does anyone share what I'm going through? I'd love to hear if there can be a happy ending to this.
Any advice is welcome - except the obvious. Believe me I have done everything to win back her desires (gifts, spa breaks, backing off, house work, fixing up the house, surprise dinners where we got married, date nights...blah blah blah).
This is destroying my relationship with her and she seems oblivious and unconcerned.

Well I've learnt something tonight...I don't think I'd ask for advice about relationships on MN.

It seems every word is analysed, any mistake seized upon.

It's been gripping.

I'm still waiting for a big finale or twist ending.

Ha ha Nijinsky just read back and see you called it way before me

And yes, I also see that we unreasonable women demand only to be touched with permission. Good God. How could anyone fail to want harrassy Nigel and his wandering hands of lurve? Hold me back, I'm going to pm that man and offer him a shoulder to cry on he'll never forget.

EggyFucker - i was being ironic.
Nige - have the affair and post a new thread to tell us all how it goes.

Again I agree with StayFr0sty wrt her post of 22:33:42.

"Who is normal - the man who wants to have sex with his wife, or the wife who doesn't want to have sex with her husband? I think if you ask that question to anyone we all know what the answer would be.
The issue is not mine - the issue is with the refuser who choses to withhold sex "

Both of you are normal. It is perfectly normal for someone not to want sex with someone else who s/he suspects deep down, doesn't really respect him/ her.

Is all your sex penetratrive Nigel? Do you ever go down on her and make her come without expecting anything in return? Does she come every time you have sex?

And viz housework:

Who vacuums
Who does the laundry
Who loads the dishwasher
Who unloads the dishwasher and puts the dishes away
Who sweeps the floor
Who mops the floor
Who wipes teh surfaces
Who sorts the laundry
Who loads the laundry
Who hangs the clothes on the line
Whoputs them in the tumble ddrier
Who hangs them back in the wardrobe
Who cleans the windows
Who changes the bedsheets
Who dusts
Who polishes
Who does the ironing (if ironing is done)
Who deos the gardening
Who washes up (if washing up happens)
Who helps the kids with homework
Who organises the PE kits
Who organises the playdates/ birthday parties/ presents etc.
Who sends family and friends birthdary cards
Who keeps in touch with friends and family

Etc. etc.
You described some housework you do. Tghere's so much more you didn't mention.

And
When does she get time to herself without you and the kids?

Just a few questions to consider.

Unrulysum its not exactly an unknown phenomenon, this sort of thing. Imagine an almost exclusively female audience for your tale of woe too, many of whom are posting about the ending of their relationships.

Admittedly, I'm just reading between the lines. But the use of language is just a tad too manipulative, the getting married at 21 (or younger) just a tad unlikely.

If you are considering having an affair to show her the error of her ways, it screams loudly that you don't really love or respect her.

And that's why she doesn't want to have sex with you.

It really isn't rocket science mate.

bbird, in that case, my apologies

HerBEggs - I asked at 14.12, 9th post in,

• And how often does she get time off?

Still hasn't been answered.

bloody hell

i see a man, asking for some advice because he feels his wifes disinterest in sex is indicative of their relationship becoming distant and he doesnt want that to happen.

there are some massive double standards on this board, but this really is laughable.

yes, he may not be understanding what his wifes needs are. but he also has needs and is basically being told to forget those, how dare he want sex with a woman who is (everyone is guessing) tired, saintly and pissed off. there are some bloody huge leaps of faith here - he is a creep??? how do you know? she is some saintly creature who is simply juggling children and the stresses of life and is reasonable enough??? how do you know?

i have read countless countless posts on these boards that tell people (women) that they are entitled to a fulfilling sex life

where is SGB when you need her.

i dont see anywhere where the op is throwing his toys out of the pram. i see a fairly eloquent series of posts in which one half of a couple is asking what is to be done because he feels his sex drive is out of sync with his wifes and feels that this is a deeper issue, worried that it is indicative of deeper problems within his relationship, which, it could be. or it could just be that she is knackered and wants sex less. either way dont give the poor sod such a hard time.

op - i would talk to your wife. really, just get the kids to bed one night and talk to her, ask her whats going on, cos that is truly the only way your going to get answers.

Vicar - there is also some bloody advice which is being ignored

And rather than acknowledge advice or answer questions, our nige suddenly goes on medication to kill his libido stone dead forever... oh the humanity.

see im not seeing "advice" anywhere

im seeing quite alot of angry projection and accusation

who does the housework
who pegs out the washing

does that matter? if his domestic arrangements (he says he has a cleaner) are such an issue then surely his wife might have said?

i dont keep a score sheet on who pegs out the undies....we both do it. we both do alot of things in our house because we both work very long and weird hours,

i do feel the op is getting the shit end of a pointy stick because he is a man asking for advice on sex

more sex

how fucking dare he, eh.

now if this was a woman on the other hand...

i am seeing double standards. maybe the wife is living a life of riley, has the cleaner and is shagging the gardner, maybe thats why she doesnt want sex... my point being no one knows!! but the op is being judged very harshly imo.

To be fair if he'd answered every question he'd have to be a pretty prolific poster.

Having read the beginning and bits in the middle of this thread,I see:

Nigel has been with his wife for 18 years.
They have a 5 year old and a 3 year old.
Who didn't want children then? That's quite a wait.
The one thing you can't force anyone to do,is, cuddle you.
When you have young,demanding, children,sex is on a back-burner.
Do YOU look so hot,Nigel?

Well, I do think that if one partner in a relationship is refusing sex and refusing to discuss the issue or work out any way of resolving it then that partner has forfeited the right to expect monogamy from the other.

But that's not what's happening here: they are having sex at least once a month despite the fact that the wife isn't keen.
So my advice to you, Nigel, would be to ask your wife what three things she would like to change/improve about your relationship. And LISTEN to the answers. Then you get to tell her what three things you would like to change/improve about the relationship.
If you can't think of two that don't involve you getting to fuck on her body then I don't hold out much hope of you getting what you want.
I appreciate that when there is something you want and you are not able to get it, it can become a bit of an obsession,, but it's as self-defeating as all obsessions are. Dealing with a libido mismatch successfully involves compromise, it;s not a matter of having the lower-libido partner 'fixed' so that the higher libido partner gets uncomplaining sex on tap.

Vicar: He's getting a hard time because he's a whinyarse who doesn;t appear to ask his wife what she wants or listen to what she says.

he hasnt said its about how his wife looks!

or his children!

or that someone didnt want kids! fucking hell!! projection going on here or what!!! madness

nigel - you should have posted as a woman. i can positively guarantee you that your answers would have been very very different.

do yourself a favour. extract yourself from this now, get this ridiculous thread deleted and this weekend, put the kids to bed, pour some wine, and sit and talk to your wife.

forget the "advice" on here. jesus, if i had gotten this advice id be slitting my wrists the advice amounts to dont pressure your wife, she is saintly and doting and tired (because all women are and all men are sex addicted bastards) dont use porn...thats bad. (cos all men do)
dont have an affiar - thats badder (cos thats of course your next course of action)

be a dear, go wank and be grateful.
ffs!

talk to your mrs nigel. thats the best advice your going to get on here. unless you change sex and post as nigella.

oh FGS of course it matters who does the housework

It is so obvious that someone who feels disrespected and undervalued, will go off sex with the person who is disrespected and undervaluing him/ her

And he hasn't said if she comes every time. That's really important. Just how good is sex for her? Because most of us don't turn down somethnig that is going to be fabulous. We turn it down if it's going to be just another chore.

VicarInATutu to be fair, it depends on whether you have a more modern view of relationships, or one based on a sort of 1950s style relationship, where women were expected to subjugate their rights and needs to men in order to keep them happy.

He has not answered some really basic questions or acknowledged some of the coments about his seeming sense of entitlement, except with sarcasm or defensiveness.

This comes across as entitled tosser. I accept this may be a false impression. But it's terribly unfortunate.

And he has proposed having an affair as a solution. Please. Do you really think a woman would be told that that is OK? She'd be told to go ahead if that's what she wants, but don't be surprised to watch her marraige go west.

cross posts....

was waiting for some perspective from SGB....

do you think he is being a whiney arse?

id not seen that really....

i had two friends who when they were splitting up - he just clung on tighter and tighter to her and she hated it....he was doing completely the wrong thing - he should have backed off and given her space.

maybe thats what nigel needs to do here - back off, take the pressure off, give some space and talk. absolutely

but i do think he is getting a harder time on here than women in the same position.

I don't think so Vicar

I think it all went tits up for him when he seriously toyed with the idea of an affair as a solution.

That's when people lost sympathy with him.

As they would for a woman in most cases.