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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife incapable of loving me - what do I do now?

488 replies

Nigel10 · 19/04/2011 13:59

It started off as a sex thing - I wanted it more, she wanted it less. Then she didn't want it at all. She admits to having no sex drive at all.
I have spent the past 9 month doing everything I can to inspire some desire in my wife - to make her love me and want to be with me.
I love her so much and only want to be with her but she seems unable to show any love, desire, affection or intimacy towards me. Yes we do have sex (and she enjoys it I think) but she'd much rather be doing something else.
I appreciate this is probably a very common situation but as a man I want to share my feelings on this. I am near breaking point and very sad at the love we seem to have lost. I have cried more times in the last 6 months than in my entire life. I can no longer talk to my wife about this as she says it puts pressure on her.
Simply I need more love in my life, I want to be desired, to be touched lovingly but the one I want doesn't want to do this anymore.
I never wanted an affair but now when I hear about people having an affair I don't judge them as I once would have - I partly understand what may have driven them to do it.
For me I see no way to win back my wife - the more she pushes me away the more I want her, the more love I show her the less she wants me. It's a hopeless mess.
Does anyone share what I'm going through? I'd love to hear if there can be a happy ending to this.
Any advice is welcome - except the obvious. Believe me I have done everything to win back her desires (gifts, spa breaks, backing off, house work, fixing up the house, surprise dinners where we got married, date nights...blah blah blah).
This is destroying my relationship with her and she seems oblivious and unconcerned.

OP posts:
BestNameEver · 19/04/2011 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarianneM · 19/04/2011 19:46

I think once or twice a week is A LOT! How often do people have sex?!

EggyFucker · 19/04/2011 19:47

so do I, Marianne, but my point is, the Op has so far neglected to tell us despite repeated requests to do so

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 19/04/2011 20:05

The OP seems to have disappeared.

wubblybubbly · 19/04/2011 20:06

His complaint isn't about frequency, he hasn't complained about frequency at all, as Eggy said. It's about the fact that she doesn't enthusiastically whip her knickers off at the click of his fingers.

Or at least that's how it reads to me.

TheCrackFox · 19/04/2011 20:10

He is probably busy innapropriately groping her. Such a turn on.

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 19/04/2011 20:13

Grin That did occur to me but I thought if I mentioned it I'd be accused of being a misandrist Hmm

Original poster
Nigel10 · 19/04/2011 20:52

Let me get things straight. I'm painted the villain in this story because I want to have sex with my wife. If I had come on and declared that I hated sex with my wife you would have equally torn me to shreds - right?
The point is, anything I said was prejudged because I am a man. From the first word my story was destined to be judged and slammed.
Who is normal - the man who wants to have sex with his wife, or the wife who doesn't want to have sex with her husband? I think if you ask that question to anyone we all know what the answer would be.
The issue is not mine - the issue is with the refuser who choses to withhold sex even when they see the suffering this causes in the relationship.
I am normal - I love my wife and I want to be intimate with her often. Is that a bad thing?
If we take the view that the opposite extreme of me is someone who has stopped fancying his wife and avoids sex with her - you going to tell me that's normal?
Oh I can see what you are thinking now - someone 'normal' should be somewhere in the middle of these two extremes. They should fancy their wife but not show it and not touch without permission. They should give their wife all the great sex she wants but only when she wants it and on her terms...etc. You get the point, dont you? There is nothing I could do or say that is right by many of you. But just for a moment imagine what it would be like, male or female, to be refused sex with the person you love time and time again?
Regardless of your feelings towards me please take from this the pain that refusing brings and the slippery slope it starts in a relationship. I hope none of you experience this.

OP posts:
BecauseImWoeufIt · 19/04/2011 20:56

Nigel - I haven't torn you to shreds, at all. And - assuming that your OP is genuine - then it's a sad story.

But you still haven't answered the question - how often are you having sex with your wife? It's a very relevant question, because all too often people who make the same complaint as you (men as well as women) are doing so because actually they have mis-matched libidos.

StayFr0sty · 19/04/2011 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wubblybubbly · 19/04/2011 21:05

My lovely DH and I have had sex no more than half a dozen times in the last 12 months.

He gets plenty of love though.

I can curl up with him, stroke his hair, his skin, sit in his lap, kiss him without worrying that he will expect sex, or feel let down because it doesn't lead to sex.

It doesn't sound like your poor wife has any option other than accepting your advances or offending you. Not a great place to be is it?

MainlyMaynie · 19/04/2011 21:05

Yes, a normal person should give their wife all the great sex she wants only when she wants it. It isn't a service and no-one should be having sex just to please someone else. At the same time, obviously it is hurtful for someone to feel constantly rejected. You need to think about this as part of a problem within your relationship rather than just about you wanting sex and her not.

A few things in your posts that make me think there might be other problems for you are you describing her as 'incapable' of loving you and describing her as 'the refuser'. That doesn't sound respectful and if she doesn't feel respected, she is unlikely to want to be intimate with you. It's also interesting that you have never responded to people asking if she uses Mumsnet - if this is part of an attempt to win an argument with her then that is not nice. You can't control her behaviour, but you can control your own and you can consider what you contribute to the relationship. You have quite defensively ignored some good suggestions for alternative perspectives here, maybe you could start by thinking about whether that's an approach you bring to your marriage?

Original poster
Nigel10 · 19/04/2011 21:08

Frequency varies from once a week to once a month. The majority of my attempts to initiate are refused - hence I am the refused. Yes I have sex but only when it is granted.
I don't think the frequency is key in this debate. If a couple had sex once a year and they were both cool with that then there would be no issue. If a couple has sex once a week but one partner would like it 3 times then there is an issue. Quantity and frequency is not a useful metric - the point is that one partner is not happy as they are literally starved of intimacy.

OP posts:
farkthatforagameofsoldiers · 19/04/2011 21:19

" I love my wife and I want to be intimate with her often" Nigel I am exhausted just reading that sentence, you have have successfully made it a chore to be avoided at all costs with just one sentence.

Sorry but I am going to be brutally honest but I think there is something rather pathetic about someone Male or Female who makes such a big deal out of sex and describes it in the terms that you have on this thread. Its a complete turn off. Having you hovering around like a randy chimp, knowing that you are hoping for a shag as the outcome of any physical contact must make her dread going near you. Unfortunately you have caused this by nagging about it rather than waiting for the natural up turn that would have arrived in time, I dont think you meant to but you have and it takes a lot of work to come back from that.

I think you need to leave her alone completely. Play it cool. Back the fark off and leave her to her own devices a bit. Dont arrange big nights out, that was the last thing I wanted when my kids were small. Just be there, in the background.

As for this medication you are taking to reduce your sex drive, is it available over the internet? Could have done with a few doses to slip in exes tea!

StayFr0sty · 19/04/2011 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MakeYerOwnDamnDinner · 19/04/2011 21:22

Cor blimey Nigel, you really honestly think that you're entitled to have sex with your wife whenever you like don't you? You think it's your right to have sex with her whether she likes it or not.

They should fancy their wife but not show it and not touch without permission

Damn right you don't touch without permission. Because if you do that is assault Nigel.

I'm going to have to leave this thread. You're making me angry. There is a reason your wife has withdrawn from you - and it is there for everyone to see.

Malificence · 19/04/2011 21:24

Most emotionally mature, secure men realise that , for the first few years of child rearing , their needs are secondary to that of their children, they understand the pressures their wives are under whilst caring for small children and yes, it does impact, sometimes negatively, on a couple's personal relationship - it's perfectly normal for sex to take a back seat during those early years.
To be honest you don't seem very hard done by on the sex front, your wife cannot conjure up a healthy libido out of nothing, however much you want her to, but even once a month isn't particularly terrible with 2 under fives.

You sound liek you ahve a very very entitled attitude , unfortunately.
Communication is the key here, of course you need to explain to her how her refusals make you feel, but you also need to listen to how she feels and why she isn't very forthcoming with affection, women generally withdraw physical affection when they feel under threat somehow - something to think about perhaps?

wubblybubbly · 19/04/2011 21:25

Nigel you need to listen to yourself.

If you are 'the refused' your wife is 'the hounded'.

whatistheanswer · 19/04/2011 21:26

your tone seems to have altered over the postings from being injured to being very annoyed that you're losing/never had sympathy. this displays an undercurrent of an inflated sense of entitlement and insufficient curiosity to discover what you may be doing to turn your wife off you.

DuelingFanjo · 19/04/2011 21:31

So you have sex weekly and you are contemplating an affair because your wife won't have sex with you more often?

wubblybubbly · 19/04/2011 21:35

Exactly DF, tis really difficult to understand why the ungrateful woman isn't just all over him Hmm

whatistheanswer · 19/04/2011 21:35

hysterionics is never a good way to deal with problems of an sort

MollysChambers · 19/04/2011 21:37

"Frequency varies from once a week to once a month.
For a couple with two young kids that sounds perfectly normal to me Nigel.

You sound like a Grade A creep to me.

whatistheanswer · 19/04/2011 21:38

any sort

MarianneM · 19/04/2011 21:40

I don't like the tone of most of the people who have posted here, but...if you say your wife doesn't give you any affection and doesn't care about you, how do you manage to have sex once a week (at best)? I think that's quite often, we don't currently manage that and me and my DH are loving and quite cuddly and intimate. Your wife must either want it since you have it, or she cares about your feelings enought to do it even against her inclination. In which case you are being a little unreasonable. Have you spoken to her honestly about your feelings?