Wife incapable of loving me - what do I do now?

[Nigel10]

It started off as a sex thing - I wanted it more, she wanted it less. Then she didn't want it at all. She admits to having no sex drive at all.
I have spent the past 9 month doing everything I can to inspire some desire in my wife - to make her love me and want to be with me.
I love her so much and only want to be with her but she seems unable to show any love, desire, affection or intimacy towards me. Yes we do have sex (and she enjoys it I think) but she'd much rather be doing something else.
I appreciate this is probably a very common situation but as a man I want to share my feelings on this. I am near breaking point and very sad at the love we seem to have lost. I have cried more times in the last 6 months than in my entire life. I can no longer talk to my wife about this as she says it puts pressure on her.
Simply I need more love in my life, I want to be desired, to be touched lovingly but the one I want doesn't want to do this anymore.
I never wanted an affair but now when I hear about people having an affair I don't judge them as I once would have - I partly understand what may have driven them to do it.
For me I see no way to win back my wife - the more she pushes me away the more I want her, the more love I show her the less she wants me. It's a hopeless mess.
Does anyone share what I'm going through? I'd love to hear if there can be a happy ending to this.
Any advice is welcome - except the obvious. Believe me I have done everything to win back her desires (gifts, spa breaks, backing off, house work, fixing up the house, surprise dinners where we got married, date nights...blah blah blah).
This is destroying my relationship with her and she seems oblivious and unconcerned.

I thought I was quite nice to Nigel.

But TBH only Nigel and his wife know the truth. Moreoever, he won't answer important questions like "how often are you having sex". It could be once a year or 5 times a week for all we know.

Couples councelling could really help them both decide what they want. It might be the case that the relationship has run its natural course or it could be that his wife is depressed.

I haven't harangued him either but we are all being lumped together on one 'man-hating' mob!

I haven't read this whole thread but I know a DH who's been in a similiar position to 'Nigel'... and put up with it for about 10 yrs. The only thing that worked was some deep conversations about each other needs, marriage counselling, and then some revelations that meant they arrived at a mutual agreement to divorce.

Prior to this he was extremely unhappy, depressed, and thought about an affair. But instead he went into counselling himself, so did his wife, and when they arrived a marriage counselling it was quite a quick process to discover and share what each other had uncovered about themselves and to realise that the best thing for both of them was to separate.

Both have to want to work this out though, both people have to figure out what their needs are, acknowledge that they're not being met, ask if those needs can be met by each other, and find a compromise i.e. give each other time, see a GP, do what it takes to regain intimacy, or agree to part.

Of the bits of skim read I think many of you are being incredibly harsh. And having an affair is just a really bad way to tell someone you're unhappy and Nigel knows that too.

I'm not a man basher, I simply hold them up to a high standard of behaviour and don't think that they're always right

I had a lot of sympathy for Nigel in his first post but it deteriorated as his posts came across as him being entitled, whingy and childish.

Nigel seems to have gone wrong with his wife in that he seems too ready to name a problem and espouse his dissatisfaction without considering his wife or why she is reacting like this. His too quick resort to having an affair is just that. To me its too soon to complaining so much. It just sounds a little bit like "my toys broken and I want it fixed or I'll get a new one". This impression is enhanced by his refusal to say how often he has sex. All we know is that he does have sex with his wife, but not as often as he would like.

Phrases like "spending time together to grow sexually" turn me right off. As does constant pawing.

Nigel - its just that your wife enjoys doing other things more right now. Yes, you could have an affair, but theres no guarntee that will turn out any better in the long run. Do you have any hobbies or interests that could take your pressure off your wife while your libidos are mismatched.

There is no reason why a man cannot go without sex for a period in a relationship. He might find that if he doesn't pressurise his wife when she isn't keen, her libido might pick up again. I was going to say that my DP didn't have sex when he didn't have a girlfriend - he didn't resort to ONSs or prostitutes or something. Its perfectly possible. Then I remembered Nigel had said he was in his 30s and has been married for 18 years, which means even if he is 39, he got married at 21, which is exceptionally young.

"I appreciate this is probably a very common situation"

it is, there are quite a few posts like this on the mumsnet relationship boards, usually posted by men.

Have you posted about this before? There were a few threads about a man who did everything except for what the cleaner did and still wasn't getting any sex from his wife. This one seems very similar/familiar.

Nigel, can I just ask if there have been any upheavals lately? Deaths, divorces, house moves etc? Men's sex drives tend to be fairly consistent, where as many women's will ebb and flow with stresses of life etc. Hope you'll come back to talk. This is an open forum, so you will get a wide range of responses. Try not to take offence; respond to the posts that resonate with you. I do feel like a few people were waiting for you to slip up! It's hard to get your true feelings abs meaning our across a virtual chat room

I got married at 21 nijinsky age is only a number!

Nigel, perhaps your wife is having an affair?

I thought the OP sounded familiar too - but chose to give Nigel the benefit of the doubt. But if he's not going to answer questions, you do wonder if he is really serious.

I did also wonder if this was (yet another) invasion from another forum as well.

Even the thread title is over-dramatic though. "Wife *incapable" of loving me". Not really someone looking for constructive help. More someone looking for sympathy...hmmn

Taking medication to stop libido?

Utter bollox, has your GP given you bromide for your tea or something?

This is eerily similar to another poster bemoaning his "so called wife", I cant remember if if was on MN or another forum I frequent but it is very, very similar in tone.

If you are this whiney and pathetic in real life, I'm not at all surprised that she can't bear the thought of sex with you, I certainly wouldn't.

He'll probably be on some other meds where reduced libido is a side-effect

Sorry, maybe I'm just cynical, but to me this thread doesn't ring true.

• constant references to "love" and loving caresses - check.
• unfairly, non-responding wife - check
• brief reference to having considered an affair, but only out of desperation in such desperate times - check
• still has sex with wife (to prove capable) - check
• still in late thirties (allegedly) and not too old to give up on sex life - check
• tries to portray himself as the ideal man around the home - check

I hope no-one has pm'd this man offering sympathy!

It's so familiar. Nigel could maybe read this thread for inspiration?

Yep, it's called "being the knackered parent of two very young children"

his wife has had a liberal dose of it, and me laddo here is feeling neglected

and his helpful response to that is to consider having an affair and making this post in the hope it will further his permission-giving process

I have news for you...it won't

so have an affair, but be prepared for that to end the marriage to the wife you profess to love so much

I feel sorry for you OP, and understand why you are upset, except for you wanting to have an affair. Even if you're not having sex, you are married, you have promised to be faithful. An affair won't fix your marriage.

But I can appreciate it's hard for you and I think many posters here are unnecessarily nasty to you. Apart from the affair bit you sound like a very nice man and the attention you try to pay your wife and the favours you do and love you show her are a really nice thing and it is such a pity this isn't being reiprocated. It is soul-destroying to feel unloved and unappreciated in a marriage. And I don't think the things you do for your wife necessarily sound pressurising. What are you supposed to do, just leave her alone and live like flatmates?

I say all this because I am much like your wife at the moment, to the point that I actually wondered if you are my DH (though I don't think so!) :) I have a lovely, kind, loving DH who shows me love, gives me affection, does a lot of housework, cooks almost always, does a lot of the childcare when he's at home (he works, I'm at home) and whom I love very much. BUT we don't have much sex. I put it down to having two small DDs (2.5 years and 9 months) and still breastfeeding which I think may be suppressing my sex drive a bit. My DH would like to have more sex and I agree it would be good but by the time the girls are in bed all I mostly want is to be in peace and read or MN And I'm incredibly lazy.

We would both like to kiss and cuddle more but the girls always end up getting most of the kisses and cuddles. And the sex...I don't think it's a good idea just to give up and live like flatmates. It won't work. But an affair won't either. It's difficult, especially if she really doesn't want to show any affection or share intimacy. But have you really had a proper conversation about this? Or could she be depressed?

I personally am determined to improve things and be more intimate with DH as I think it is very rewarding for both of us and an important part of any marriage - certainly not trivial as somebody said. I'm also hoping that when I stop BFing and go back to work things will improve.

OP - don't give up. Talk to her honestly about your feelings (apart from the affair bit). Good luck, I hope things work out for you.

I remember that thread , kisses and cuddles , ugh .

What is it with these men who demand constant pampering , kisses and cuddles ? They seem to want mothering all the time .

Diggs, what is wrong with men wanting kisses and cuddles? It is a basic human need to want affection! What is it with all these posters thinking it's ok to just co-exist with your husband with no love?

Nigel. I'm a pt work rest if time mums to a 3 and 5 yo
Too
My dh would like more sex and affection too. I do try but
I'm knackered
I feel crap about my post baby body
I don't feel I have time to pamper myself like the old days
I feel like the kids take all my cuddles and drain me when dh comes home
There is nothing left
But
We do
Go out every 6 weeks alone
We have a daytime shopping trip with lunch a few times a yr
Without kids
We go on a weekend away once a yr
The kids stay at nannies once in a while
We have fun familie days out memory making

When we do this I do feel the old spark and we often have good sex
It's not as frequent as he would like but it's better than divorce
I hope we can get the old days back more when the kids are older

Pre school kids are exhausting and messy housework and chores never ending. Yr wife may need more me time

Good luck

I think Nige's is being a bit drama llama about medication.

There's nothing wrong with kisses and cuddles, but I get the impression that he's got a constant agenda of sex behind it. Not to mention, neediness repulses.

At the right time, kisses and cuddles are great, but sometimes you just want some physical space. I don't think anyone's saying it's ok to co-exist without love & affection, but it strikes me as telling that Nige isn't even sure his wife enjoys the sex they have.

Nigel, you've been with your wife for 18 years, have 2 kids under 5, still having frequent sex and yet you're still contemplating an affair? FFS.

If you would really hurt your wife, jeopardise your marriage and relationship with your children simply because your wife hasn't been as enthusiastic as you want her to be in the sack for the last 9 months, then no wonder she doesn't want you touching her.

Nigel still hasn't told us how often they have sex

I get the feeling it is still once or twice a week, which is totally normal for a household with preschool kids

unless he tells us though, it's all guesswork innit

FWIW, I hate being pawed with a vengeance and when every demonstration of affection comes with an expectation that you will "put out" because your husband "has needs", no wonder she has withdrawn