Wife incapable of loving me - what do I do now?

[Nigel10]

It started off as a sex thing - I wanted it more, she wanted it less. Then she didn't want it at all. She admits to having no sex drive at all.
I have spent the past 9 month doing everything I can to inspire some desire in my wife - to make her love me and want to be with me.
I love her so much and only want to be with her but she seems unable to show any love, desire, affection or intimacy towards me. Yes we do have sex (and she enjoys it I think) but she'd much rather be doing something else.
I appreciate this is probably a very common situation but as a man I want to share my feelings on this. I am near breaking point and very sad at the love we seem to have lost. I have cried more times in the last 6 months than in my entire life. I can no longer talk to my wife about this as she says it puts pressure on her.
Simply I need more love in my life, I want to be desired, to be touched lovingly but the one I want doesn't want to do this anymore.
I never wanted an affair but now when I hear about people having an affair I don't judge them as I once would have - I partly understand what may have driven them to do it.
For me I see no way to win back my wife - the more she pushes me away the more I want her, the more love I show her the less she wants me. It's a hopeless mess.
Does anyone share what I'm going through? I'd love to hear if there can be a happy ending to this.
Any advice is welcome - except the obvious. Believe me I have done everything to win back her desires (gifts, spa breaks, backing off, house work, fixing up the house, surprise dinners where we got married, date nights...blah blah blah).
This is destroying my relationship with her and she seems oblivious and unconcerned.

There has been masses of helpful advice on this thread.

I'm not sure if Nigel has acknowledged that or if he will take it on board.

Particularly the "no sex please we're British for six months". That very often gives both parties breathing space to get bakc in touch with each toher without any pressure.

Thanks for some support there.

I'm just a man who loves his wife and is feeling a bit insecure at the moment because she doesn't seem to need me, want me, desire me or love me. Am I bad for still feeling such sexual desire for my wife? Would I be normal to have gone off sex with her years ago? In fact would many of you think better of me if I didn't want sex with my wife? I sense that would be the preference.

Anyway I think this has been a painful therapy for me - but none the less a useful one. I now feel so bad, disgusted and traumatised about my 'inappropriate need for sex' that I really doubt I'll be wanting any for a while. So in a sense thank you for that.

I think it would be best to imagine it rather than read the actual thread- it'd make far more sense to do that.

I'm off now. I think Nigel is hard of hearing.

I'm still waiting to find out what this libido destroying medication old Nige is deliberating taking is.

A woman might be taking all sorts of things that could stop libido dead in it's tracks, she could have had a merina coil fitted, changed her contraceptive pill, be taking anti depressants or any one of a whole raft of medicines.

9 months' lack of interest in sex is nothing within the framework of a long marriage, it doesn't mean much in the long term but selfish whingebags don't see things that way.

I've seen a post recently on another forum from a man just like our Nigel, his wife of 34 has had breast cancer and a double mastectomy and he is upset that she isn't interested in sex anymore and she's rejecting him.
I know selfish entitlement isn't a purely male trait but by god, there are some selfish men out there, Nigel isn't in a sexless marriage, however much he insists it is, he continues having sex with his wife that he thinks she enjoys, what kind of man has sex with an uninterested, resentful women?

I find it hugely ironic that a man like him is telling all us women on the relationships board what a good sex life and marriage should entail, if he listens to his wife as much as he's absorbed some of the very good advice on here, there's really no hope - either that or the whole lot is trollshit, I rahter hope it's the latter and no woman really has to put up with ^Nigel.

Nigel
Assuming that you are entirely genuine and not some reporter looking for a story, I will tell you this:
I could be your DW. I am not, but I could be. I have no libido, I don't really like DH touching me affectionately, I repulse him most of the time.
I feel sorry for him that I do it, but not enough to stop doing it. I don't find him physically repulsive at all, I am just not "in the mood".
He is not very good at sex though, so I don't find it particularly pleasurable - and that is hard. It's all very well saying "I want to give my wife pleasure" but you have to understand that if she doesn't want to have sex then any sex is not really going to be fun for her. For starters, lubrication is an issue - not being turned on means that we don't produce any lube naturally. For second, anything that isn't quite right becomes much more wrong and puts me off more. My DH and I have sex most months but only because we are trying to have another baby - he has said before that if I get pg again, that will probably be the end of our sex life. HE might be right, although I hope that I wouldn't be that unkind to him.

Every now and then, I do give him a hug - but sometimes when he wants one he doesn't get it - because he tells me that I look like I need a hug. No. I don't.
He asks for a foot rub in the evening - but he has done nothing to help me all day (except go to work to earn money for us all, of course, but that's a bit abstract in the daily grind of life with a toddler). My DH is not a giving sort of person - he admits this freely (which helps) - he agrees that he is a "taker", but makes no effort to change this. He bitches and moans about having to share the cooking and washing up duties and can be unbelievably petty about whose turn it is - because God forbid he might end up doing me a favour by doing an extra turn by accident.

I resent a lot of my DH's behaviour - he irritates me something rotten sometimes! - and that doesn't incline me to want to be physically intimate with him. I know some people find that certain emotional states, like distress and anger, can make them feel like having sex - not me. I have to feel loving and loved and, probably more to the point, cared about. I know DH loves me but I don't often feel that he cares about me, can you see the difference?

But this is my situation, not yours. I'm sharing it from my POV in case you recognise any aspects of my DH in yourself. If you don't, or choose not to, then this post will be of no use to you whatsoever.
(note: am a namechanged regular for this)

Mal - bromide is the usual libido-reducer for men.

"Am I bad for still feeling such sexual desire for my wife?"

No you're not. And no-one has said you are. People have criticised the way you behave, not the way you feel.

dittany - a wank is not a long term solution for not having sex - not in my opinion anyway

Nigel said he was taking deliberate medication to stop his libido, not that he was taking something that may have that side effect so it was obviously bollocks, like a small child saying outlandish things for attention.
( oh wait, it is the easter holidays).

Hiding - Bromide hasn't been prescribed for 40 years at least.

I should have carried on a bit more, knew I'd missed a bit.

Actually one of the most offputting things is unwanted physical attention. DH's especial trait, that he is getting much better at NOT doing, is jack russelling (or dry humping). Anything LESS inviting is difficult to imagine when you're not in the mood. DH seems to do this mostly when I'm in the kitchen, frequently wielding some kind of sharp knife. I have been known to warn him that I am holding a sharp knife, the implication is clear. I'd never do it, and he knows that, but it's enough to make him back off.

Nigel - can I suggest that you ask your DW what she wants? I know others have tried suggesting you talk to her and appear to have gone unheeded, but quite frankly it's the only way forward. ASK her if she wants a cuddle, if SHE wants a shoulder or foot rub - ask her what you can do for her, WITHOUT expectation. Be generous, even if you don't feel like you're getting anything back - that's the point. Altruism is a great attribute for both partners to have in a truly loving relationship - do something because it makes the other person happy, not because you expect anything in return.

Marriage does not entitle either party to as much sex as they want.
First things first, Nige, you are having sex with your wife. To say that your are in a sexless, loveless marriage when you are having sex once a week to once a month is ridiculous.
You obviously have a sexual mismatch with your wife. Has she ever been as keen as you for sex?
Are you any good at it? Is your wife enjoying the sex you have? Quite frankly, after a day with the kids, if my DH was a crap shag, I'm not sure I could be bothered either.
Are you talking to her about it, or making her feel pressured and nagged?
Is she tired or depressed? Could she have any kind of underlying health issue that supresses her libido. Have you suggested she have an MOT with your GP.
Finally, if you really want to stay with your wife, don't issue an ultimatum. You might not like the response.

Great Dittany, always the answer when you need love and physical and emotional intimacy from a partner (oh no I see what you did, you just made it all about coming and ignored the rest).

Just my opinion.

If people want different things from a relationship and it is so fundamental (e.g. Nigel wants more intimacy/sex, his wife wants less/non/who knows??) they are probably incompatible and should either separate or lead separate lives (by that I mean if they want different holidays and won't compromise, then have separate holidays - if they want different sex lives and won't compromise, get it elsewhere). Can't see anyone normal wanting an open relationship, and anyone with an ounce of respectability having an affair without the guilt tearing them apart.

It's not something that Nigel needs to accept.

Although Nigel, you're getting it quite regularly. Don't see what you're complaining about re frequency.

Bloody hell, think I'll show this thread to my wife, and see if we can aspire to your lofty height though (ahem) even if I do say so myself she does seem to enjoy it when we a. find the time b. when the kids aren't in and c. she's not shattered. Quality, not quantity.

hidingfrommyname - can i just ask why you are trying for another child with your dh if he repulses you that much????

I already said that he doesn't repulse me physically. We want another baby - is that so hard to understand? He's just not very good at sex.

Let me grab a basket Dittany, it will help with your cherry picking. There was actually a fair bit about the non -sexual stuff, but I suppose you know better what it is really all about having read the thread (oops, sorry, you say you haven't).