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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife incapable of loving me - what do I do now?

488 replies

Nigel10 · 19/04/2011 13:59

It started off as a sex thing - I wanted it more, she wanted it less. Then she didn't want it at all. She admits to having no sex drive at all.
I have spent the past 9 month doing everything I can to inspire some desire in my wife - to make her love me and want to be with me.
I love her so much and only want to be with her but she seems unable to show any love, desire, affection or intimacy towards me. Yes we do have sex (and she enjoys it I think) but she'd much rather be doing something else.
I appreciate this is probably a very common situation but as a man I want to share my feelings on this. I am near breaking point and very sad at the love we seem to have lost. I have cried more times in the last 6 months than in my entire life. I can no longer talk to my wife about this as she says it puts pressure on her.
Simply I need more love in my life, I want to be desired, to be touched lovingly but the one I want doesn't want to do this anymore.
I never wanted an affair but now when I hear about people having an affair I don't judge them as I once would have - I partly understand what may have driven them to do it.
For me I see no way to win back my wife - the more she pushes me away the more I want her, the more love I show her the less she wants me. It's a hopeless mess.
Does anyone share what I'm going through? I'd love to hear if there can be a happy ending to this.
Any advice is welcome - except the obvious. Believe me I have done everything to win back her desires (gifts, spa breaks, backing off, house work, fixing up the house, surprise dinners where we got married, date nights...blah blah blah).
This is destroying my relationship with her and she seems oblivious and unconcerned.

OP posts:
Malificence · 20/04/2011 17:11

"I am taking medication to kill my sex drive and I hope once this takes effect sex will no longer be a burden to myself or my wife.
Can't have it all I guess. I'll fight the demons that offer love and sex in the shape of an affair - and I truly hope I am strong. Kills me though to say good bye to a sex life in my 30's".

What utterly pathetic drivel.

Ormirian · 20/04/2011 17:12

nesbo - this thread is full of people only reading the posts they want to. The OP included. It's too frustrating to bother with. I said I was going and I am now.

smallwhitecat · 20/04/2011 17:12

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Dropdeadfred · 20/04/2011 17:12

fair enough Hidingfrommyname - i just wondered why you don't try and make things better in your relationship before adding another child to the mix, when you stated he irritates you, you dont like sex with him, you resent alot of his behaviour etc
anyway - don't want to hijack thread...just being nosey, sorry

smallwhitecat · 20/04/2011 17:15

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hidingfrommyname · 20/04/2011 17:18

DDF - oh ha ha. Yes, that's it - I should try and make things better in our relationship. OF course. It's all down to me. Nothing to do with him at all, oh no. Perhaps I should take my friend's MIL's advice and "just accept him the way he is, dear, he'll never change, just let it wash over you". Except that she's been on tranquilisers for the last 30y.

Leaving this thread now - I didn't post my story to have my own relationship pulled apart by the vultures, thank you.

StayFr0sty · 20/04/2011 17:22

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Malificence · 20/04/2011 17:22

SWC, you don't find it the teeniest bit odd that he stated he was taking medication to "kill his libido" ?

Where in the real world does this happen?

This is probably another "invasion of the cyclists". Wink

Original poster
Nigel10 · 20/04/2011 17:25

ENOUGH!!
I hearby committ to the MN community that I will never initiate sex with my wife again. I will never touch or show affection towards her unless initiated by her. I will stop all efforts that could be construed as manipulative such as weekend breaks, romantic meals, gifts and surprises.
The irony perhaps is that if I were a bastard who treated his wife like dirt, had no time for her and didn't fancy her anymore she would be the one who was insecure and would be doing everything to relight the spark (date nights, underwear...etc). Why do such power struggles exist? I really wish I could just stop fancying her.
In time I will disconnect emotionally from the relationship and maybe my body will follow my mind out the door. Why live with a 'lover' you can't love?

OP posts:
Malificence · 20/04/2011 17:26

OK Nige, bye-bye now.

LindenAvery · 20/04/2011 17:26

HOUSE!

Prolesworth · 20/04/2011 17:27

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smallwhitecat · 20/04/2011 17:30

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GeekLove · 20/04/2011 17:32

Strange when I arrange surprises for my DH like an xbox or a trip to a steakhouse or a really thorough deep clean I do it because they make him happy not to get him to do something I want. Perhaps this is what the OP just doesn't get.

Nesbo · 20/04/2011 17:41

I'm out (hopefully if I say it I'll stick to i!t). Thread's been flapping in circles for a while now, needs taking behind the barn and shooting, it's the kindest way.

Truckstop · 20/04/2011 17:57

I wonder why more Dads don't post on MN?

EasterEggsHaveNoCalories · 20/04/2011 18:00

I think that's the satisfactory outcome we were all hoping for Nigel, thanks for taking all our advice on board in a sensible and non-dramatic fashion Biscuit

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 20/04/2011 18:08

There have been a lot of threads on here in the past from women who have lower libidos than their male partners. Not ONE of those women has ever said, I have told him there will be no more sex in our marriage but he isn't allowed to have it with anyone else either. ALL the women have been asking for ways to improve their own libidos and the relatiionship.Sometimes it's something simple like physical exhaustion or medication or whatever, sometimes it's clear that the relatiosnhip itself is beyond repair. Sometimes it has become clear that the reason they do not want sex with the particular man in their lives is because that man is just like Nigel - a selfish, entitled, prick-on-legs who has systematically ignored every suggestion they have made about how to improve things, such as the man doing his fair share of the domestic work, listening to the woman when she talks about something that is worrying her, doing his fair share of the housework, allowing her some time to do things for herself, doing his fair share of the domestic work and not just follinw her round the house with his cock in his hand.
Men who see their wives as domestic appliances with fuckholes attached generally find that their wives do not want much sex with them. Men who not only consider themselves entitled to sex with women they are systamatically exploiting as drudges have even more of a fucking nerve to whine that the wives open their legs to stop the pestering but do not express any enthusiasm for being wanked into.

ScaredOfCows · 20/04/2011 18:09

Spectacularly missed the point again, Nigel.

Stop talking to us, go talk (AND LISTEN) to your wife.

StayFr0sty · 20/04/2011 18:14

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ChristinedePizan · 20/04/2011 18:19

Gosh, you've been married for 17 years, have a 3 year old and a 5 year old and you're still in your 30s? Something here doesn't quite add up ...

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 20/04/2011 18:21

Though if he got married at 16 and never had sex with anyone else, he's bound to be shit in bed.

whatistheanswer · 20/04/2011 18:22

Nige, if you are not receiving the kind of loving that you think is important, and you feel you have exhausted all avenues in resolving the problem, then why stay in this relationship that is making you so unhappy. maybe you and her are suited anymore, people change and want different things. you need to find a partner that will fulfill you sexually. think about the impact of this on your children. your wife doesnt owe you anything, but you don't have to accept what she is offering. an affair is not the answer, but may be an amicable divorce is.

ChristinedePizan · 20/04/2011 18:25

Well of course that's the other alternative SGB - might explain his refusal to answer any questions about whether his wife cums or what he does in bed. Who was it who mentioned dry humping?

chipmonkey · 20/04/2011 18:27

IMO, sex is not a "need" like the need for food, water, clothing and shelter. If it were a need Nigel's wife would "need" it just as much as he does and there'd be no problem. We don't die from lack of sex.

Neither are you entitled to sex. You don't own your wife's body and have NO entitlement to do with it what you want, regardless of how she feels.

And you are having sex up to once a week! With small children. A lot of people don't get that

I have gone through phases of not wanting sex very much, usually when I had a baby or toddler. It did come back on its own eventually. But during those periods there was nothing that turned me off more than feeling pressurised into sex. Affectionate gestures which I knew were intended to lead to sex left me cold.

And so many women on this thread have said the same to you and you haven't LISTENED! Your wife is probably not all that different from the rest of us.