Wife incapable of loving me - what do I do now?

[Nigel10]

It started off as a sex thing - I wanted it more, she wanted it less. Then she didn't want it at all. She admits to having no sex drive at all.
I have spent the past 9 month doing everything I can to inspire some desire in my wife - to make her love me and want to be with me.
I love her so much and only want to be with her but she seems unable to show any love, desire, affection or intimacy towards me. Yes we do have sex (and she enjoys it I think) but she'd much rather be doing something else.
I appreciate this is probably a very common situation but as a man I want to share my feelings on this. I am near breaking point and very sad at the love we seem to have lost. I have cried more times in the last 6 months than in my entire life. I can no longer talk to my wife about this as she says it puts pressure on her.
Simply I need more love in my life, I want to be desired, to be touched lovingly but the one I want doesn't want to do this anymore.
I never wanted an affair but now when I hear about people having an affair I don't judge them as I once would have - I partly understand what may have driven them to do it.
For me I see no way to win back my wife - the more she pushes me away the more I want her, the more love I show her the less she wants me. It's a hopeless mess.
Does anyone share what I'm going through? I'd love to hear if there can be a happy ending to this.
Any advice is welcome - except the obvious. Believe me I have done everything to win back her desires (gifts, spa breaks, backing off, house work, fixing up the house, surprise dinners where we got married, date nights...blah blah blah).
This is destroying my relationship with her and she seems oblivious and unconcerned.

She is having sex with him. But that isn't enough. She has to want to have sex too . She can't force herself to want to have sex. It isn't possible. I think Nige is asking the impossible.

It IS NOT rape...not unless eh is laying there saying no no no....don't dilute what real rape is by saying that

If there were a medical reason that prevented me having sex with my wife I would look to fix the problem urgently. If it could not be fixed I would do everything in my power to give her the sexual pleasure she needs. I would honestly want to meet my wifes sexual needs even if I hated sex or couldn't perform.
Why would you want to deny pleasure to the one you love. Regardless of my needs I would always give my wife whatever sex she needed without question.
I sense for many people here sex is a commodity that is traded, earnt, with held, given to praise housework and generally seen as a reward. What happened to just doing something pleasurable together because it brings pleasure, brings you closer together, puts a spring in your step and makes life together great. It's a really simple act that is wonderful, free and tells someone you love them completely. Why withhold that from the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with?

grudgingly having boring sex with someone to get them off your back may be very unpleasant, but no way is it rape

Oh God, please don't start in with the rape shit.

But Nigel...you do keep describing your experience of sex..!! As other posters have said..if it was that much fun for your wife why would she be denying herself?

Nigel i think your wife doesnt want to have sex with you because she knows that you feel entitled, and that you have no respect for her .

"I sense for many people here sex is a commodity that is traded, earnt, with held, given to praise housework and generally seen as a reward."

No Nigel, you have completely misunderstood my point.

"What happened to just doing something pleasurable together because it brings pleasure, brings you closer together, puts a spring in your step and makes life together great."

That is exactly what sex should be. But you cannot divorce sexual desire for someone, from the rest of your relationship. If the man you are living with treats you like a skivvy, exploits you and disrespects you, you really don't feel like coming closer together, putting a spring in your step. You feel fucking angry and the last thing you want, is his cock in you quite frankly.

If you are not treating your wife with respect, love and consideration outside the bedroom, then she won't want to show you respect, love and consideration inside the bedroom. It really is that simple. To pretend that that means women see sex as something to be traded for housework, misses out the crucial point about love, respect etc.

Are you doing your fair share of housework? Are you showing your wife that you value her as more than just your skivvy? Does she have as much leisure time as you? Are you ensuring that when you do have sex with her, she enjoys it as much as you do?

She's not witholding it FFS, she's doing it even though she doesn't want to do it! Probably the reason she doesn't want to is because of the way you are acting in general.

You said yourself you don't like sex without love. So stop having sex FOR NOW and work on getting the love back. If it's not too late.

Nobody has said you can never have sex ever again!

Anyway I assume you'll ignore this too so I'm off to take my DS to the park before I get all het up.

Searches back of cupboard for biscuit barrel to offer Springchicken.

You know sometimes my DW wants sex and I'm not really in the mood. If I really don't want to we don't. If I'm just a bit knackered or I think it would be better in the overall context of our relationship I'll make an effort to please her ( and quite often it will become enjoyable once we've started). This doesn't equal abuse!

And since when do women who's husbands have lost interest get asked (repeatedly) whether it is because of the way they look, whether it is because they are crap in bed or even if it is because they are failing in their duty to ensure their man is coming each time! I mean seriously? This is seen as acceptable and constructive questioning? I'll have to remember that.

"You know sometimes my DW wants sex and I'm not really in the mood. If I really don't want to we don't. If I'm just a bit knackered or I think it would be better in the overall context of our relationship I'll make an effort to please her ( and quite often it will become enjoyable once we've started). "

That sounds exactly what Nigel's wife is doing. She isn't withholding sex. But apparently she isn't enthusiastic enough.....

Springchickengoldbrass - WTF - it is not rape.

I have previously read a post, where the OP felt obliged to have sex with someone, and it got into a debate over rape. Obliged is not forced.

Why are posters ignoring his statement that she has lost interest. If she has no libido, to her the absence of sex is not a miss. Unfortunately he has not lost his. It's reasonable for him to want it. He already stated that they share childcare. Most of the posters are behaving like it's wrong for him to want a physical relationship with his wife especially as she does not want it.

I think he has grounds to seek his pleasure elsewhere, just tell her that is what you want to do

Nesbo, the fact is, loads of women still have really bloody bad sex.

It's like the sexual revolution never happened.

I have no idea whether Nigel's wife has good sex or not, but it's something for him to consider. He has come onto this board with such a remarkable sense of entitlement on show, that it isn't unreasonable to ask if he considers his wife's needs in bed. Millions of men don't. They are the ones who have an over-developed sense of entitlement. It isn't that unreasonable to wonder if Nigel may be one of them, given his overall tone.

Cocunutmummy - I agree it is not wrong for OP to want sex, but it is not grounds for an affair, unless OP wants to end up divorced.

I take by all these references to his wife's character and how she is feeling etc. that you've all met her? otherwise aren't you just making assumptions.

Or guessing or even projecting.

You say you have talked and talked and talked, with no resolution. You can't see a way to accept the status quo. You want more than your wife is able to give and receive at the moment. You are so unhappy that you are crying about it - more times than you have ever cried in you life. If all that is the case, you really have to consider whether your relationship is over. Are there any more avenues left to explore? Can you go to counselling on your own, to explore your feelings with an impartial 3rd party? Perhaps your wife might decide to join you for couples couselling after a period of time of you going alone.

I second what a previous poster said about a complete sex ban for a minimum of 6 months - to take the pressure off your wife though, not because you have spat your dummy out. Maybe during that time you could SLOWLY build up some affection/non-sexual touching. In the meantime, reduce the amount of touching etc that you do now as she's clearly not happy with it. Again, do that for her sake, not yours.

If the problem is simply that your wife has a very low sex drive, and if that has always been the case (rather than something of the last year or two, linked to this stage of your lives), would she be willing to discuss that with her GP? Is she on the pill, and if so, would coming off it help with libido?

Your posts do come across as aggressive. Maybe the way you have been discussing this with your sife has seemed equally so to her?

What references to his wife's character and how she is feeling?

We are discussing what might be going on.

Nigel hasn't given us much to go on. He's spoken mostly about how he is feeling, not how she is, in case you haven't noticed.

Whoa there. Sex isn't in the 'terms and conditions' of a marriage. The vows say 'love, honour and cherish'. That's the bit you need to work on. Sex follows from loving, honouring and cherishing your partner - which means treating their wishes with respect, and sometimes putting yourself second for a while.

If you're in it for the long haul, then be patient. Your wife clearly wanted a lover, and sex, when she married you - what you need to find out is what's changed. If you are feeling un-cherished as a result then I understand why you might be feeling frustrated and unhappy, and focusing on the sex thing. But while sex is an expression of intimacy for women it's a consequence of intimacy, not a route to it. Please take that on board. It's one of the ways in which men and women are often different.

Lots of wise women here are telling you to be patient, find out what she wants, and put your needs second for a bit. You seem to be hearing 'put your needs second forever ', which is NOT what people are saying. Just 'put your wife's needs first for a while and things may change'.

Again, if you're in this marriage for the long haul, then you need to take the long view. And that means that both people's anxieties, frustrations, needs, desires etc play an equal part. I hear loud and clear that you're frustrated and unhappy, but don't forget that your wife wouldn't be off sex with you unless something was wrong for her too.

Countless posters have advised you to explicitly take sex off the agenda for a bit and spend some time with your wife working on your emotional closeness. It's good advice. Please listen to it.

There is a hell of a lot of "this is what men are like" projecting going on which has coloured the responses to the OP's post. These assumptions are vastly different from those which would have been made if he was a woman. Some of the worst have projected feelings onto him in very coarse terms (as to how the poster believes he views his wife) as if somehow getting as many "fucks" in there will make him look far worse (the old " this is what he really means" tactic to subvert what is actually said).

It's all pretty fascinating and very educational, revealing far more about some posters underlying attitudes to men than it does about the OP or his issues.

I agree Nesbo - I think Nigel has received some real vitriol on this thread

I think calling him a rapist was a bit over the top.

Truckstop - a bit? That was terrible....not only to Nigel but also an insult to rape victims

There has also been quite a lot of helpful advice.