Wife incapable of loving me - what do I do now?

[Nigel10]

It started off as a sex thing - I wanted it more, she wanted it less. Then she didn't want it at all. She admits to having no sex drive at all.
I have spent the past 9 month doing everything I can to inspire some desire in my wife - to make her love me and want to be with me.
I love her so much and only want to be with her but she seems unable to show any love, desire, affection or intimacy towards me. Yes we do have sex (and she enjoys it I think) but she'd much rather be doing something else.
I appreciate this is probably a very common situation but as a man I want to share my feelings on this. I am near breaking point and very sad at the love we seem to have lost. I have cried more times in the last 6 months than in my entire life. I can no longer talk to my wife about this as she says it puts pressure on her.
Simply I need more love in my life, I want to be desired, to be touched lovingly but the one I want doesn't want to do this anymore.
I never wanted an affair but now when I hear about people having an affair I don't judge them as I once would have - I partly understand what may have driven them to do it.
For me I see no way to win back my wife - the more she pushes me away the more I want her, the more love I show her the less she wants me. It's a hopeless mess.
Does anyone share what I'm going through? I'd love to hear if there can be a happy ending to this.
Any advice is welcome - except the obvious. Believe me I have done everything to win back her desires (gifts, spa breaks, backing off, house work, fixing up the house, surprise dinners where we got married, date nights...blah blah blah).
This is destroying my relationship with her and she seems oblivious and unconcerned.

StayFrosty "i dunno, people talk aabout 'leave the bastard' being a knee jerk response on here, i think 'omg double standards!' is just as much of a cliché personally."

Man bashers is another one

I agree with HerBEggs's last post, she's put it perfectly.

The OP comes across as a selfish, entitled man who thinks his wife is there to service him sexually when he wants. He seems to see her as a breathing, talking blow up doll rather than a human being, who deserves respect and consideration.

I agree with Vicar and Nesbo's post of 22:25.

I have been in Nigel's wife's position, as I said before. I had 2 under-2's and my husband was constantly nagging me for sex/affection.

I don't recall being all that tired, and I never felt put-upon because I did all the housework (plus having an evening/weekend job from the time my youngest was 3 months old).

I just didn't fancy him any more. He'd got fat (I'm pretty sure I was no oil painting either) and it was all I could do to keep from shuddering when he touched me. We argued a lot. He was (IMO, at the time) whiny and needy. Every time he touched me/begged me for physical contact or affection, I was more repulsed.

So I ceased all physical affection, so as not to be misconstrued.

Eventually the relationship completely collapsed when our children were 2 and 4. The sex/affection thing was not our only problem, but it was a big part of it. The split was my decision. We've now been divorced for 7 years and both have new partners.

Basically what I'm saying is that what Nigel's wife is doing is very common. But it's not right, and it's only now that I can see how unfair I was being to my ex-husband. I've never been happier than I am now, but sometimes I wonder whether if we were to have had counselling, things might have turned out differently.

Let's say I take the advice of the majority of views expressed here. In 6 months look out for a post by a new member - titled along the lines 'My husband has stopped loving me'.
It will talk about about a change in her husbands behaviour and how that has made her feel. She may ask for your advice and support and some explanation as to why the man who always showed affection has stopped. Why he no longer tells her how great she looks, why he no longer buys her gifts, arranges nights away (without kids) books romantic meals, helps as much round the house. Why he no longer squeezes her when then pass each other, or kisses a cheek when they share a joke. She may question why he has new interests and hobbies and why much of his spare time is spent pursuing them rather than sharing time with her.
It may even talk about his lack of interest in sex and how he has made excuses to avoid it. And how that makes her feel so sad and undesirable.
She may talk about feeling low, disconnected from her husband and fearful he has gone off her. Her confidence will take a dive, she's not quite as bubbly as she once was because something seems missing in life. She will start to question her attractiveness - maybe buy lots of new clothes and double the gym time to try and feel good again - in the hope DH will desire her.
The hypocrits amongst you will rally round and tell her how dare he not show you affection, give you the love you deserve? And refusing you intimacy is simply awful. You will tell her that DH is a selfish pig for not giving her this fundamental requirement as lovers in a marriage. Again the man will be the problem. Too much love, too little love - it doesn't really matter does it? The general view seems to be that the DW is always right - if she needs less intimacy then DH should adapt his needs to suit. If she needs more intimacy, love, support, help then the DH should up his game.
Judge me all you will. But read the above again and hand on heart ask yourself what are you going to say to the next woman who comes on Mums Net asking what she can do to make her husband desire her again - how lonely and empty she feels in her marriage and how depressed she has become. Her self-esteem is rock bottom and she doesn't know where to turn. You will of course offer support. Heaven forbid though that she may even hint that she could fine more affection outside the marriage - hell no, she will be scorned for daring to suggest an affair. Or will she?
Genuinely I thank all the responses on this post, I've taken it all on the chin and I have learnt from the experience. And I will be changing my behaviour down to some of the points you guys have raised. I agree - what right do I have to make love to the women I married - absolutely none. What right do any of us have to feel loved, protected, fulfilled, happy in a marriage - absolutely none. I take from this exchange that none of us have any right to anything in a marriage. The expectations and promises we made on that big day count for nothing. All we can expect from marriage is what any partner feels like giving on any given day - and well maybe that's enough. My sin was to want more love and yes I still need more love - but I take the point that my DW is NOT obligated to give me that love. That makes me sad - but the better man will make that sacrifice to be with the person he loves I guess. It's been emotional.

To me, Nigel comes across like he can't see the point of his wife if they are not having sex. He says he loves her but has said nothing about why he loves her or what he loves about her. He mentioned that she is a lovely size 8 and admitted that she has some body issues. And that it is it.

Nigel, we cross posted - you talk about 'love' but you really mean sex.

Nige, If you read past the hostile posts the rest of the advice has been to talk to Mrs Nige and find out what's bothering her. If you care about your wife and marriage and not just being misunderstood (which you might have been, a little, by some posters) then you'll take that away rather than a sense of grievance - however comfortable the latter might be. It sounds like there is a misunderstanding between you and your wife. Quit arguing with strangers, read the posts where people have given insights into what the female perspective might be, then go talk to her.

When I've been in relationships if we weren't having sex I didn't feel loved, if my partner didn't feel loved she didn't want sex.

Nigel you seem to be confusing sex with love.

Nigel, I've been reading this thread with interest and I'm not really sure what to think about it all. I do think that marriage should be a partnership and that the two people in it should work together.

You keep saying that you want/need more love, but seem to be confusing that with sex. If wour wife does not feel like having sex, why should she force herself to do it? I'm sure if you spoke to her like a reasonable adult, you would find out why things have changed recently, then maybe you could work together to bring the closeness back to your marriage.

I'm only saying what the majority of others have said, but it seems that you don't really want to listen to this. It is good advice, if you love your wife as much as you say, please talk to her.

Exactly cornflower!

Nigel you do seem to interchange the words sex/love/intimacy as though they are the same thing.

You need to be clearer about what it is you want. Perhaps even Mrs N has no idea what it is you actually want more of?

That's because the definitions of sex / love / intimacy overlap significantly.

Sex is a physical act of love - personally I don't want sex without love. Sex is intimacy or a form of it. Intimacy doesn't neccessarily mean sex - but to be intimate with someone means you are in a sexual relationship with them.

To save you trying to trip me up with words rather than adding anything useful let me be explicit. I need more love, I needs more sex, I need more intimacy.

Now does that give you more ammunition to slam me with? I hope so.

Yes, it'll be all our fault, poor Nige.

I think I hear the tiniest of violins playing.

There > .

Nigel. You need to talk to your wife. Have you told her that you are so unhappy that the relationship may end due to the current state?

Your wifes unease with giving you more of what you need may be a simple matter or a deep seated matter. Only through talking and listening will you find out.

If she will not talk about it at all I think you may need to accept that parting ways is the only way.

Namechange test...

I know you say that you don't want sex without love, but what about love without sex. At least not quite as much as you want right now.

Why won't you discuss this with your wife like most people are advising?

TALK TO HER!

There, is that simple enough? How on earth can you negotiate what is clearly a minefield without that simplest method of communications?

I think that is the gist of what most people have been saying but as you haven't seemed to have understood that maybe communications isn't your strong point.

There is no other way. She isn't going to suddenly change by magic. Neither, I suspect are you without making yourself unhappy, so try talking.

Actually, I think the best advice is LISTEN TO HER.

Seek first to understand and then to be understood and all that.

I would initiate a complete sex ban. Sex is clouding the issue here. You're compromising physically, but it's not working, while she is having sex because you want to and not because she wants to, it's not going to be a loving, intimate experience, it's going to be more like a wank, and best case scenario, it's the same for her. Worst case scenario, she feels used and violated. So you can cope with that for a little bit longer - sex ban, and you wank if you have a 'biological urge'.

In the meantime, while the sex ban is active - and it needs to be a serious length of time, say 6 months? You need to discover if your relationship is still able to be rescued. Date your wife. court her. Remember the kinds of things you did when you were first together. Some won't be possible if you have children, but be creative. Talk to her - and listen. Get involved in her everyday life, take an equal share with the housework, help make sure she is eating properly, getting enough rest, getting time to herself, having interests of her own. Go to counselling, prove you have a commitment to the relationship. If there is still a spark there, this should all lead to the kind of intimacy you miss. If it's not, and give it some time to work, but if it's not, then it's all too little, too late. She's not incapable of loving you - but she might well be on the way to falling out of love with you. She might already be there.

Ignore my post if you want, maybe someone else will be helped by it.

Well yes OK robot. I was hoping it would be a 2-way chat

Have you talked to her yet? Have you asked her to talk to you, to tell you why she doesn't want more sex? Will you listen to her, and hear her, if she does talk to you?

Nigel, I think we get that you 'need' more. But what does your wife need? Have you asked her?

is the sex you get good sex for both of you?

Have you checked her texts/emails for evidence of an affair (oops sorry, scatch that - that advice is restricted to when men aren't as forthcoming in the bedroom!)?

I have checked for evidence of an affair and I'm confident she is not doing that.

We have talked, many many times. Bottom line she has no sex drive whatsoever - just does not have any desire for it. Talking has become quite difficult - I could talk for hours with her about this and I have tried as I am desperate to solve things and help her / me / us.

However we have talked so much, now if I even broach the subject she hates it. Say's that talking just adds to the pressure and adds more weight to the whole issue. Which we both admit has become blown into a huge deal now.

I totally agree talking, listening and planning a process through this is the best thing we can do. But honestly, I can not bring up the subject any more without the risk that it will actually make things worse. She wants to ignore it and hope it all just goes away.