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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife incapable of loving me - what do I do now?

488 replies

Nigel10 · 19/04/2011 13:59

It started off as a sex thing - I wanted it more, she wanted it less. Then she didn't want it at all. She admits to having no sex drive at all.
I have spent the past 9 month doing everything I can to inspire some desire in my wife - to make her love me and want to be with me.
I love her so much and only want to be with her but she seems unable to show any love, desire, affection or intimacy towards me. Yes we do have sex (and she enjoys it I think) but she'd much rather be doing something else.
I appreciate this is probably a very common situation but as a man I want to share my feelings on this. I am near breaking point and very sad at the love we seem to have lost. I have cried more times in the last 6 months than in my entire life. I can no longer talk to my wife about this as she says it puts pressure on her.
Simply I need more love in my life, I want to be desired, to be touched lovingly but the one I want doesn't want to do this anymore.
I never wanted an affair but now when I hear about people having an affair I don't judge them as I once would have - I partly understand what may have driven them to do it.
For me I see no way to win back my wife - the more she pushes me away the more I want her, the more love I show her the less she wants me. It's a hopeless mess.
Does anyone share what I'm going through? I'd love to hear if there can be a happy ending to this.
Any advice is welcome - except the obvious. Believe me I have done everything to win back her desires (gifts, spa breaks, backing off, house work, fixing up the house, surprise dinners where we got married, date nights...blah blah blah).
This is destroying my relationship with her and she seems oblivious and unconcerned.

OP posts:
Lovedmyheyday · 19/04/2011 23:34

He's said he loves the way his wife looks. What does she think of him??

wubblybubbly · 19/04/2011 23:35

The OP has indicated that for the first 17 of their 18 years together he has enjoyed intimacy and a good sex life with his wife.

For the last 9 months however, things haven't been so good it seems. OP has said, in his own words, that it's not the (in)frequency that bothers him. He acknowledges that his wife has sex with him, even when she isn't necessarily interested and 'seems' to enjoy it.

Yet he comes on here to announce he's considering an affair? Really, what did he expect?

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 19/04/2011 23:35

Nothing kills off a woman's libido more completely than the feeling that she exists only to meet other people's needs. This is why 'date nights' and bunches of flowers don't work when the woman is getting no time to herself - because 'going out for dinner' is not going to be much fun when you know you're barely going to get to taste your pudding before the bloke's got his cock out or at least is sitting across the table dribbling and going 'Soo, feeling horny yet? Huh? Huh?'

Another thing that reinforces this sort of libido-mismatch problem is that the woman starts agreeing to sex to stop the man complaining, so the sex becomes about despunking the man as quickly as possible, therefore less enjoyable for the woman, which makes it feel more and more of a chore.

ThatVikRinA22 · 19/04/2011 23:42

which is why he needs to talk to his wife.

and listen to her.

and she needs to be honest about why she has no interest in sex.

but i do think he has had a flaming that perhaps a woman wouldnt have had if in the same boat.

yes to talk of an affair is plain stupid. thats not the answer - but how many woman have found that out to their cost? affairs are a convenient distraction. wrong i agree, but perhaps he was simply trying to convey how he feels at the very end of his tether? im not saying for a minute he has any right to expect sex. his wife obviously has something to say and isnt saying it to him.

they need to talk. but all the second guessing at why his wife doesnt want sex is pointless.

nijinsky · 19/04/2011 23:44

He's getting a hard time for asking for sympathy about his sex life when its actually much the same as many people's on here. And for being quite heavily critical of his wife. And by talking too readily about having an affair. On here. You know, this predominately female site where users can pm other users.

EggyFucker · 19/04/2011 23:45

Vic, look carefully at the way the direction of the thread went

Initially he seemed pretty reasonable and got supportive replies

then he started yapping about entitlement and hinting that his wife had a responsibility to see to his "needs"...also that he constantly pawed and pestered her for "affection" (read...tries to wear her down into putting out)

after that he stated he may have to have an affair to give her the jolt she needed

only then did posters start saying "what the actual fuck ?"

this bloke has got a deserved pasting, IMO and if a woman had posted the exact same fucked-up sentiments I would say the same

zikes · 19/04/2011 23:46

I don't know if talking would help him: early in the thread he dismissed body issues, headaches, being too stressed/tired/drunk/sober, etc all as excuses. I have to say, he lost my sympathy right there.

You've got to wonder what's can she come up with that will satisfy him as an answer, other than yes alright, then?

StayFr0sty · 19/04/2011 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EggyFucker · 19/04/2011 23:48

lol @ goodbye cruel world

and the bromide Smile

StayFr0sty · 19/04/2011 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatVikRinA22 · 19/04/2011 23:50

i maybe need to re read....

if the only answer he is looking for is that his wife should have sex on demand then yes he is a knob

id not seen that though...i have admittedly been out for a meal and consumed a bottle of wine....perhaps my judgement has been clouded

but i did think that he was getting a hard time because of his male perspective on a lack of bedroom action...

i cant talk. im permanently knackered. our saving grace is that DH has a lower sex drive than me and thats saying something!

Suzi1974 · 19/04/2011 23:51

Just read OP and jumped to the end so if I'm off the charts here then sorry. I had to check that this wasn't written by my DH but then noticed that they have sex about once a month, which is far more that in my marriage! Have to say that I see my own probs as having too little consideration from DH and not much affection (affection - not sexual attention!) I'm sure, if asked, he would say he pulled his weight around the house but his idea of pulling his weight is occasionally putting kids to bed, feeding cat and sometimes picking up a takeaway on way home (if I ask nicely). He never expresses any interest in anything I do and then I'm expected to respond to the wandering hand or prodding dick just as I'm drifting off to sleep after yet another knackering day. DHs idea of affection is to stick his hand down my pants with no warning when I'm trying to get dressed in the morning! (Which I could be tempted into appreciating if he ever balanced it out with non-sexual affection - it's rather like shagging a stranger that I happen to share a house with). Wonder if this rings any bells with Nigel?

OTheHugeManatee · 20/04/2011 00:02

Wow. I don't know what planet some of the posters on this thread are from but relationships on it aren't like the ones I recognise. In most people's reality, men aren't all predatory selfish babies just by virtue of having a penis.

Nige. Ignore the Correct Phrasing Police on here and talk to Mrs Nige, like Vicar says. Find out what's been bugging her lately. For most women, sex starts with intimacy, which means she needs to feel close to you before she'll want to make love with you. If she doesn't want to make love it's probably because she feels distant from you for some reason. Solve that and you might get the cuddles back.
Some posters here are giving you a hard time for in essence explaining your problem from a mantype perspective rather than a womantype one. They've got a point in that you need to get to the bottom of why your wife has drifted away. You might not like what you hear, but honesty and willingness to hear what she says is your best chance.

ThatVikRinA22 · 20/04/2011 00:04

i have clearly been spoilt for most of my 20 year married life....

if DH was anything like suzi1974 dh he would have been knee-ed in the bollocks by now.

everything has always been shared in this household, DH pulls his weight and always has, resentment cant be conducive to a happy partnership and good sex life,

....(joke)ish..

seriously, i guess ive been lucky so maybe am struggling to remember what its like with young kids when you are simply knackered, especially if your partner isnt helping much.

will exit thread while contemplating...

ThatVikRinA22 · 20/04/2011 00:06

agreeing with manatee....i think talking is probably key in finding out what the score is with mrs nigel...

EggyFucker · 20/04/2011 00:16

vic...did you see the bit where nige completely dismissed all the possible reasons for a drifting libido such as tiredness, headaches etc as "just excuses to get out of sex" ?

I don't get the impression that our Nige is too good on the "listening" front

ThatVikRinA22 · 20/04/2011 00:24

ohhhhhhh....

i missed that eggy....which page? im not normally this lax...can spot a troll, a whinger or someone with ASD at 20 paces normally...i will blame wine.

i truly did think this poster was getting a hard time for being a man.

but if thats the case then perhaps i have mis read and mis judged. what page was that? i will go and have a re read now...

StayFr0sty · 20/04/2011 00:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

easycomeeasygo · 20/04/2011 01:25

DeulingFanjo "Nigel, perhaps your wife is having an affair?"

I actually thought that myself, you never know.

Ormirian · 20/04/2011 05:15

Vicar - talking to his wife was exactly what I and many other posters advised .but apparently that didn't count as advice? Thanks.

I did take time and effort to type a long rePly setting out how I felt in a similar position to his wife and how things work for us but nige disregarded it in the same way you did.

I suspect he was too angry to bother with any advice other than 'poor baby how could she be so mean to you' and 'yes of course you should gave an affair' Hmm

Oh, and how does at least once a month count as no sex?

bleedingstill · 20/04/2011 05:33

Nigel, I am a woman,and was once in your shoes. I was once married to man I loved with all my heart and he did not want to have sex with me very much at all.

We are now divorced . And I still love him.

luvvinlife · 20/04/2011 06:45

odd

hairylights · 20/04/2011 07:42

"Nothing kills off a woman's libido more completely than the feeling that she exists only to meet other people's needs. This is why 'date nights' and bunches of flowers don't work when the woman is getting no time to herself - because 'going out for dinner' is not going to be much fun when you know you're barely going to get to taste your pudding before the bloke's got his cock out or at least is sitting across the table dribbling and going 'Soo, feeling horny yet? Huh? Huh?'

Another thing that reinforces this sort of libido-mismatch problem is that the woman starts agreeing to sex to stop the man complaining, so the sex becomes about despunking the man as quickly as possible, therefore less enjoyable for the woman, which makes it feel more and more of a chore."

Hear hear. This is exactly why I left my ex. The constant nagging became intolerable, I did 100% of everything else (wage earner and household stuff) and he just didnt get that I was knackered. It was his attitude that did it ... That I was there for his purposes.

HerBEggs · 20/04/2011 08:30

I completely agree with Stayfrosty, that "double standards" is a kneejerk response on here every bit as much as "leave him".

This guy was given a pasting because he comes across as someone who really isn't that interested in why his wife doesn't want to fuck him - he just feels entitled to a fuck. He doesn't show a shred of empathy with his wife, he doesn't talk about her as a human being, he just talks about his rights, his entitlements, him him him. I mean, talking about "excuses for avoiding sex" - what sort of attitude does that reveal about sex? No-one should need an excuse for avoiding sex and if someone is trying to come up with excuses, what does that say about the dynamics of their sex life?

I know that lots of women live with men who have attitudes like this, so it seems normal to them when a man swaggers on here displaying those attitudes, but for those of us who know that men are actually not all selfish bastards, he sounds appalling. He simply didn't answer any pertinent questions and he ignored any advice he didn't like - it was very telling that the only advice he picked up on was "have an affair". What does that say about his attitude to his wife? Do some of you really find this acceptable?

I actually feel incredibly sorry for his browbeaten wife. It must be horrible to live with someone who deep down doesn't respect you. I suspect that that is why his wife is reluctant to have penetrative sex with him (I suppose he means penetrative sex). And his posts really gave the impression, that that is her situation. That's why he got pasted - not because he is a man, but because he is a very selfish man who isn't listening, either to his wife or to internet sprites.

handsoffmycake · 20/04/2011 08:54

Agree with HerBEggs I feel sorry for his wife too. He has ignored all advice here.

It makes me really sad as I have no sex drive. I spend endless hours telling my DH what I need and he just doesnt listen. I am so sick of telling him but I continue because I do love him. I fear one day he will just not have listened for too long and I will say thats enough. Maybe it will shock you Nigel that your wife will be the one to say the same to you.

Nigel you are selfish not because you want sex in your marriage but because you think its a right. Its not. If you really do love your wife eat some humble pie and stop being a knob. Ask her how you can make things better not how you can make things better so you can have sex.

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