Divorce papers served - have I done the right thing?

[Wisedupwoman]

Had to name change again to be on safe side.
Been posting on other thread - hope followers recognise this.

H gone five weeks ago after second affair in 4 years was discovered by me but not before he gave many, many clues and slip-shod attempts to keep it 'secret' from me. H wanted out and would have known my reaction to finding out hence i think he took this way to force my hand. Heartbroken as long, long relationship with both adult and teenage DC's involved.

Today the divorce papers went to court to be served. The therapist I'm seeing commented that this has been quite quick. This has set up train of thought which goes 'was this my fault, am I assuming too much here about what H really wants, is he such a monster........'

Need ongoing support about this please......

Thanks Chipping, your post has crossed mine again.

I have said that i have never lied to her and i want to talk to her about this and that talking to her D has been fruitless because of his refusal to listen to me and that we are now only communicating through legal channels because of this and because of his dishonesty.

Tomorrow i will find a way to say those things you suggest. part of my reluctance to get into it with her is precisely because she already knows far more than many children would do.

She and i unlike my DS's, have both been shit on by H in much the same way. Me because of the affairs and all of that and DD because she knew and he lied to her and then abandoned her and isn't trying to mend this by any other way except manipulating her. i'd think more of him if he was asking me to help him repair things with her. So we are sharing the same consequences in different ways. my dream of the future, her dream of the future.

i reminded her of her wisdom of only a few days ago when she said that i have to acept this and we will be ok despite how much things have changed. i told her that when she spoke to me that it hurt at the time but i knew she was right, and now she is herself coming to face her own new life.

i dont know what else i can say to her.

Sorry but i want to say this. then i'll shut the fuck up.

When I was about 7 my mum left us. she packed her bag and we took her to the station, my dad put her and her case on the train and we left. i thought i must have done something really bad to have made her go like that. on the way home in the car i was so distressed my dad pulled over and said "shall we go and get some sweets from the shop"?. in my 7 year old way all i could think was "no i don't want any sweets, i just want my mummy back".

he said "it's probably for the best you know" but i thought "how can this be best? my mummy's gone".
he did this because he didn't know what else to say or do.

i know just how he felt.

(she came back, btw, and they shared (still now) a long and unhappy marriage).

Gosh Wisedupwoman, your last post just made me cry

Just a thought but could you and DD agree to call a truce for a few days and just enjoy some girlie time together? Do lunch, get your nails done, go shopping, cinema, anything as long as you are smiling, having fun and enjoying each other's company. I would just give her time to feel she can trust me again plus, a break from all this crap would do you the world of good!

Other than that, keep up the good work because you are doing great! x

Wisedup - sorry, I was sorting stuff out for tomorrow - I didn't realise I'd been gone this long!

Poor you (when your Mum left) how long did she stay away for? I remember my parents having the HUGEST fight when they got home from a party once and Mum packing her suitcase - me going in their room bawling and being sent back to my room as it 'had nothing to do with me' she didn't leave, but I was terrified. I can still see it now & feel it - I can't imagine how you must have felt :(

I'm pleased your Mum came back to you - but what a shame they didn't work out how to separate and still both parent you. It's sad they have been in an unhappy marriage all this time. Life's too short.

Please don't take DD at face value. Kids that age know how to hurt you - they do it from such a selfish place that & they want to hurt you, but they want you to tell them they are wrong, they don't really mean it - it's manipulation (does that make sense?!). It's not that she doesn't trust you, she's just angry and at that point in time wanted to make you pay.

DS sounds sweet :) and said the right thing.

Of course it has all been left to you - he is far to bloody spinless to deal with it. But you know what, DD knows that, she will know that for the rest of her life. She knows YOU are the one who will put her first, that YOU are the one that looks out for her, that YOU are the one who loves her first and foremost whereas her D will put himself first. He's a bastard and it's shit.

TBH you are past the stage of protecting her and holding things back. DH wont and she needs an honest and transparent relationship with you. She's old enought to be told the truth about everything and it will actually help her in the future not to find out bits & pieces she didn't know or ever to feel like you treat her like a child during this - that would do more damage.

Keep talking - never feel like you need to 'shut up'... I'm just sorry I was away so long between posts tonight.

Stay strong, you are doing really well x

Oh gosh that did not go well!

Others have said everything really. I do think you are handling it rightly....

Timeforme thank you. This was a memory which came back so suddenly and powerfully it was like i was back there. i just had to say it and i felt both the pain of myself as child and now as a parent.

DS has offered to take DD camping this weekend and to carry on talking to her - he also disagrees that going away now is wrong, in fact he has been even more strongly vocal about this than me even before the separation. He also lived through my previous divorce, the loss of his home, the games his D played and all of that. If she says no to camping i will see whether she will spend some time doing nice things this weekend, but at the moment she is refusing to speak to me.

Chipping my mum came back after only a day or two. Nothing further was ever said although over the years plenty hints and other stuff leaked out.

I know this is manipulation and i feel the pull of it. It's not the same as STHXH but it is what it is. Thanks for flagging that.

I'll keep trying. I'm being ignored at the moment but just said that this won't make me go anywhere and i love her.

I don't know if you're going to london today, but if you are i hope you have a fantastic day and (hugs) to you.

I'm so sorry that things are strained with DD at the moment. You just hang in there though, once DD has worked through her thought's feelings and emotions she will be fine.

I know it's a different situation but my son stopped speaking to me for a while when I left his step dad. It was an abusive relationship so I had no choice but my son refused to accept this. He gave me a pretty hard time just at a time I didn't need it but I didn't take it personally, I figured he was just as scared for me as I was, that he was worried about what was going to happen and he felt powerless. He didn't want me to be in that situation and projected his feelings on to me. And he was 18 at the time! But, he didn't have the emotional maturity to understand and rationalize how he felt so he took it out on me.

I wonder if your DD is going through a bit of the same, feeling a bit torn and not knowing what to really do for the best. I simply remained a constant in my son's life, I gave him space but also let him know I was there for him. I was just myself, behaved as I normally would towards him and didn't rise to his anger towards me. Once he realised that I was going to be just fine, he was fine.

So you just stay strong Wisedup woman, keep smiling and keep looking and moving forward, when she is ready your DD will join you x

thank you Timeforme I take more reassurance from your experience and from all posters who are taking a position beside me.

i'm meeting with my manager this morning to discuss my return to work next week. I just asked DD what she thinks about the following:

that instead of working 4 full days (almost an hours journey each way) i do the same hours but spread over the 5 days, starting 30 minutes earlier each day. that way i could be home (just) when she comes out of school as opposed to 6pm.

she chose the latter, so i take this as an encouraging sign. i think my manager will go for that or something in between.

thanks all. will let you know what happens later.

Oh that's a good sign, and a really good idea too x

Good luck with your manager OP. Hope all goes well for you. xx

There is no doubt in my mind that your DD adores you, respects you and knows that there is really only one reasonable decision about her future studies.

All those out of the ordinary emotions must be very confusing for her.

You are doing a fantastic job and I really think your relationship will end up stronger. He may have left you with all the shit to deal with but it will be Bastard Ex's loss in the end. Her respect and love for you will come out stronger for this.

Me and my manager harumphed about the wedding a bit and then agreed my return.
it's fine to spread my hours thank goodness.

DD seems better down at friends. she's asked me to buy her a blackberry for £50 off a mate. i think this is a "if i can't do this will you do that for me". i said providing i get a direct guarantee that its in perfect order and works with her sim she can and if it goes wrong i will want the money back. fair enough, i think. She is lovely and i know she wouldn't trade what we have for anything, and at least she has someone who will stay around while she gets it all out. i'd much rather she did that than sit on it really. it's just awful to watch and feel helpless about.

you're fecking great all of you.

Yes while tosser STBXH rots cosy's on down in his new bachelor pad there's all kindsa shit going on.

I hope the arse falls out of his trousers and his shoelaces trip him up during his next "i'm so fucking wonderful" lecture.

I bet Chipping went to the wedding!

I did.
I am now wrecked.
Glad I went - have some suggestions for the organising committee

I just needed to see how you had been today.... you're doing well x

Will chat more tomorrow when I can think straight x

morning. the sun is out again thank goodness.

i'm up so why isn't everyone else?

Am cultivating smokers cough. i promised myself i'll stop again when i go back to work, next week .

i didn't post this next bit yesterday partly because when i almost did, i thought, no people will think i'm making this up.

but because of what happened at the end of the day i will say it because it feels quite mad really.

re: what i had posted about the angry stuff from DD and how it brought back things about my own mum.

yesterday when i got back from meeting. phone call from my D - my mum was rushed to hospital after falling. she now has altzheimers (5 years in) and i don't need to explain what that entails. my D is her sole carer, refuses any help except a home help an hour a week. he has to plan his day meticulously so that she is not alone for more than an hour and he locks her in the house.

she broke her nose and her kneecap in two places. very shocked and frail both mentally and physically - she is still in hospital while they decide what they can do. operating is too risky.

spent the best part of the day at A&E, trying to get SSD to do something (which they won't because she refuses), looking after my D etc.

DD being lovely until she came home. then right before bedtime announces she is still angry, why haven't i spoken to the academy yet (!) i haven't spoken to her D, i am just trying to hurt her and keep her at home etc.

FFS! i just said that i had had other pressing things to deal with at the hospital, wasn't prepared to argue or even discuss it at that time of night, that if she wanted to talk she needed to start acting a bit more adult-like and that it is not about me wanting to keep her at home (there is some selective memory here- it was me who was finding uni's all over the country which would accept her btec and D who was saying she wants to stay here to go to uni!).

Anyhow, she went to bed.

i don't want to 'keep her with me' - god knows i've spent 30 years being a mother, and i'm looking forward to the day when i don't have to get home to cook/wash/clean and otherwise be there for one of my kids! i love them all so much but that doesn't mean i need them here to give me purpose in life. but DD is TOO YOUNG TO LEAVE HOME NOW AND NOT MATURE ENOUGH TO SEE THE IMPLICATIONS OF HER GOING TO THE ACADEMY. SHE DISPLAYS ALL THE TRAITS OF A 15 YR OLD WHO ONLY SEES WHAT SHE WANTS TO SEE. AND SHE CAN'T SEE HOW MUCH SHE HAS BEEN MANIPULATED BY HIM

when she has finished her 6th form, fine, she can go travel, do the uni thing, stay at home, whatever. but not now.

if it doesn't come across in my post that i am angry, steaming in fact, i am . but i'll keep my composure (somehow)

Chipping unwrap the bunting from your head. it's a crime against the realm to steal it you know.

yes, I bet that 'keeping you at home' comment has come from him! What a sod.

Sorry to hear about your mum. Just when you think you can't cope with anything else, eh?? I hope that she gets the care that she needs. Watching a loved one decline is a big enough deal in iteself.

I hope your DD comes round quickly. She has to realise that you are acting in her best interests, but she is still going to say and do hurtful things really. Be calm with her and vent at us [csmile]

I want some bunting!! I cannot believe that I got quite as addicted to the telly yesterday as I did. Nuts really!

Well, here is only one of you to go round and sometimes you just have to make difficult choices. Of course your children's needs come before your parents', that's the natural order of things. If the three generations of you were marooned on a desert island I'm sure you would hand your DD the last biscuit. But some things are more urgent than others, and if your mother is in a bad state in hospital that does take priority over sorting out the other one's education for one more day. If she can't grasp that, why would you want to keep her at home anyway, self-centred little miss! (I'm afraid I probably would say something of the sort to my own DCs because I am a Bad Mother. I wouldn't mean it though.)

Migrating and Annie

Yep, the comment about keeping her here was definitely from him even though he knows i've been yearning for the kind of freedoms he has enjoyed over the years (not the freedom to fuck around though!).

I do feel like telling her how self-centred she is acting. she is behaving in a way that she never has before so hence i'm flummoxed and coming across like i was just handed this child over without a manual!

i know it's because she's angry and hurt not just about the academy. that's what i'll need to bear in mind when i remind her that if i was only interested in my own needs as a mother, then i wouldn't have spent the best part of 13 years in academia, very demanding training and a job which drains me. i wouldn't have gone out to work again when she was just a baby to make ends meet when i would have preferred to stay at home for a little longer with her.

i'll remind her that she's not the only one with aspirations here, that given she'll probably live to her 90's and will herself work until she's 70, will probably change career numerous times, and in the grand scheme of things she is still a tiny speck of what she will be.

I don't think i'll even mention H in all this, except with reference to the fact that i have been here before, made duff decisions which cost me my home, her brothers their security, and a great deal more besides. so i know what i'm talking about this time and i will not make the same mistakes again. i'll tell her that when the time is right (only 2 bleeding years FFS) i'll help her leave home myself!

like i was just handed this child over without a manual!

lol!! I feel like that everyday!

But she does have the perspective of a 15 and thus 2 years will seem like forevaa!

I have been up since 6

I have filled walls, I have sanded the walls again. I have been to the supermarket and I have hoovered the floor in the dusty room. So there!!!

Sorry to hear about your Mum (and Dad!), I've been through the altzheimers thing and it's heartbreaking. It is so hard when you have to admit defeat and find a care home :(

As for DD, you are being so lovely and patient. I think I would have said/shouted 'Yes, I know that's what your bloody father wants you to think! I thought you had more sense than to fall for that! If you want to believe his lies which are designed to manipulate you and pull us apart that is entirely up to you, the other option is to act like and adult, stop sulking and talk to me'

Ah, you're back from the great metropolis

Tell me Chipping did she chuck her bouquet behind her, show her garter thingy and then fall arse over whilst doing a ridiculous dance?

Kate did look quite beautiful though. As did David Beckham (swoon)

I have her bouquet
Wills pulled her garter off with his teeth
They fell over while doing a samba number
Kate looked beautiful
David Beckham looked fanciable

.... there is one correct statement in the above, please feel free to speculate which it is

I am still sitting here (I would say 'I'm still sat here', because honestly that's how it feels 'sat') but as not to annoy the pesky pedants - I'm still sitting here like a zombie. I have done precious little since my last post and the courier hasn't knocked my door :( I neeeeed to move. It's that bad I can't even tempt myself to Homebase even though I could have starbucks if I did!