Divorce papers served - have I done the right thing?

[Wisedupwoman]

Had to name change again to be on safe side.
Been posting on other thread - hope followers recognise this.

H gone five weeks ago after second affair in 4 years was discovered by me but not before he gave many, many clues and slip-shod attempts to keep it 'secret' from me. H wanted out and would have known my reaction to finding out hence i think he took this way to force my hand. Heartbroken as long, long relationship with both adult and teenage DC's involved.

Today the divorce papers went to court to be served. The therapist I'm seeing commented that this has been quite quick. This has set up train of thought which goes 'was this my fault, am I assuming too much here about what H really wants, is he such a monster........'

Need ongoing support about this please......

Arf at Chipping

Mmmmmm the wonderful world of starbucks coffee and pastries.... smell the fresh aroma of just brewed americana and freshly baked danish..........

and the sad world of people who would even consider fancying Beckham. >

Glad your day is going ok wuw

look the truth is some of us have been ahem, starved in that department for some time!

thank you though Anothermum!

Hello everybody, this thread seems full of fun at the moment

Wisedupwoman, I don't think there would be any harm done if you did point out to DD that she is being rather self centred. I remember having to very gently bring my son down off his high horse. I made sure I was calm and quietly spoken and used long words that he wouldn't readily understand so that he would have to pause before answering me back

Also, I wonder how your DD would react if you said "OK, you win, you go" I wonder what she would do if you called her bluff, because I can't help but think that the argument with you, the not being 'allowed' to go has taken over from the bigger issue in her mind and is stopping her from thinking about the reality. Just a thought, feel free to ignore me

hi Timeforme.

I did the high horse thing this morning. I just decided to stop fannying around and front it.

I said that I didn't know where the idea that i just wanted to keep her with me came from, but it would be insulting if it weren't laughable.

Then i reminded her that i have worked for a long time on building a career in my own right, that i am not and never have been someone who needs to keep my children near me to give me a reason to live and that she knows this. i then said that i if i were to have wanted to keep anyone near me, it would have made more sense to try and keep STBXH here because he has up to now had all the clout (financially and decision making) in our relationship. but i haven't, and i don't want him near me anymore.

I reminded her that i have aspirations too, and that in all likelihood when i have packed her off to uni, or the airport or wherever after 6th form, then i am just as likely to go home and pack my suitcase to have my own adventure.

i told her i love her, will always be 'there' (wherever that is) if she needs me, that i recognise her wisdom but also her vulnerability, and i accept her anger and disappointment are aimed at me but i am a strong woman who can deal with it without running for the hills. I said she will achieve what she wants in what will be a long and successful life and this is because she has had a good start in life - credit to her parents as the only thing we did well together before we fell apart.

So then i left her to ponder a bit and probably to sulk alot and then we went to look for a blackberry. her D has agreed to fund half. so there it is and she remembered she is going next week to the local academy to train with them. the storm has abated for the moment. but she knows absolutely where she stands now.

Brilliant! I'm glad you managed to get all that across. One thing I soon realised when dealing with my son was that the more tolerant and understanding of his feelings, the more I was enabling him to behave like a victim, and he wasn't a victim.

You sound like a fab mum Wisedupwoman. Your DD is very very lucky!

Hey WUW ......... keeping it lighthearted ............ some of us have been starved a lot longer than others would realise (I've been seperated and divorced for 15 yrs (though I'm not saying I've gone that long without ) ........... but I would NEVER be so desperate as to take on Beckham. I would rather spend my time with a vibe ........... its prob got more life (with re chargeable batteries) and definitely more personality than Beckham.

I'm so pleased at the way you are handling things. I had to bring up 4 children on my own when my XH walked out (i wanted it) but every step was worth it. Not Easy, but really really worth it and now we all get on great.

Arf Anothermum it's not his personality I'm interested in....... but yeah, message received and understood and toys don't leave shavings in the sink etc etc ad infinitum!

Timeforme thank you for saying that. oh the teenage years and all the angst that goes with them are a hundred times worse for all the shit with divorce, but i'm glad i began to realise that, better late than never.

Chipping's either mad at the sanding or firmly ensconced in starbucks.

Hello.... well.... definitely not madly sanding I decided that if I couldn't muster up the energy to fill/sand then the least I could do was to haul my ass to Homebase and get a pair of safety glasses so I showered, faffed about a bit and finally went to Homebase - but of course they didn't have any either (is sanding no long bad for your eyes or something - they all only stock the damn sunglasses style and it's just not enough for sanding!_

Yes Chipping I did realise that was the only true statement. I cannot understand the fascination either.

Phew - for a minute there I was worried you were lumping me into the 'Adores Beckham' pod...

Arf Arf at Chipping.

HAH! so Homebase is to you what B&Q is to me!!!!!!!!

Just watched BGT with DD - my guilty secret.

Well, ok, if not DB then who?

What you mean who OP .............. you're letting the side down, its more ...... what ......... personally I used to love one called 'promises' from ann summers and with re chargeable batteries it could reach parts NO MAN could ever reach and give us orgasms that NO MAN ever could. Mine broke a few weeks ago and Ive got to rely on others ........ and just not the same.

BTW WUW I really am so proud of you, I wish I had been so strong all those years ago when I separated from my XH.

I may be stronger now but it has taken a lot of years to get here.

Take care xx Youre The Best xx

Wised - no, they are both fecking useless, neither of them had any. B&Q last week, HB today!! Grrr... will try the little local hardware shop a few villages over - he'll probably have some (will have to wipe an inch of dust off, but hey ho!).

I flicked through the channels and turned the TV OFF the choices were that bad (only have 1-5, no freeview, cable etc). Turned it on again for the National Lottery game & now TMPD with Davina :)

Then who... you know Sam off of Dancing on Ice, well not usually him, but did you see the routine he did in white... (random I know) but I could have done him there and then, on the ice with the cameras still rolling! There was someone else on TV a few weeks ago and I even sent a text to my friend to say OMG who is he?? We were both panting... but I can't remember who it was now? LOL Useless I know. I used to quite fancy Colin Firth and George Clooney but both are looking too old now.

Forgot to buy wine earlier. now can't be arsed to go back to the supermarket.

Awwwwwwwwww WUW. Not good. Youve got 20 mins to get to supermarket or 12 hours to wait .............

Bugger - I'd pour you some if I could, there's no shortage here!

Anothermum I used to have a rabbity thing, don't know where it is so will have to visit ann summers next time maintenance comes through .

Thank you too, for your praise i just feel, i don't know, good this evening!

Chipping Sam was easy on the eye definitely. But i do love Michael Buble because he's got a voice like chocolate....(drool). too young though.

Enjoy feeling 'good' :)

I can be watching TV and think 'OMG I could 'do' that!!' but never remember names etc. Hopeless I tell ya, hopeless!

I have a really good imagination though

Damn right. 'Enjoy feeling good' and enjoy all those chocolate treats. ROFL. And age is nothing. Between you and me (shhhhhhh ladies I dont want anyone else to know) but this year I have had a 19 yr old ... but was his choice so I didnt do anything naughty. Age is only a number. Now I'm going to >

Have a good night ladies. xx Love You xx

Woohoo! Anothermum .

Yes, time for bed, another day of prom dress shopping tomorrow.....

Night all

xxxx

TC WUW. Hope tomorrow is more successful than last time. TC xx

Night - I hope you and DD have a good day tomorrow :)

Another - how old are you? (what's the age difference and do you have kids older than the 19 yo lad??). ... and was it good????

Chipping I'm almost 60 (shhhhhhhhh!! - dont tell anyone.) Kids older than 19? Are you joking ? My youngest is almost 30 with my oldest being almost 40 !!

And yes ........... it was fine .......... just fine .......... like i say it was his choice so I didnt like to take advantage of him TOOOOOOOOOO much. Ha ha.

Lots of fun in this old 'dog' (not a good word) yet.