Divorce papers served - have I done the right thing?

[Wisedupwoman]

Had to name change again to be on safe side.
Been posting on other thread - hope followers recognise this.

H gone five weeks ago after second affair in 4 years was discovered by me but not before he gave many, many clues and slip-shod attempts to keep it 'secret' from me. H wanted out and would have known my reaction to finding out hence i think he took this way to force my hand. Heartbroken as long, long relationship with both adult and teenage DC's involved.

Today the divorce papers went to court to be served. The therapist I'm seeing commented that this has been quite quick. This has set up train of thought which goes 'was this my fault, am I assuming too much here about what H really wants, is he such a monster........'

Need ongoing support about this please......

Hi everyone.

Today is the day. I would like you to do something (more) for me. I would like you to read this letter I wrote to him and tell me honestly - should I leave it for him or should I keep it for myself.

I trust you to tell me the truth.

Dear xxxx

During the times when I?m not angry with you I feel so, so sad and hurt. I would never have dreamed that you could, or would, end our marriage- let alone in the way that you did.

I know you had simply stopped loving me and that you don?t think of yourself as someone who can commit, for want of a better word, adultery or even plain old bad behaviour. But as the one on the receiving end of your actions in the past 4 years, I believe that it is my right to define what you have done. And I will always fully believe and understand your actions to have been infidelity, a direct contravention of both sets our of wedding vows to each other.

These are the reasons I am divorcing you. I am not divorcing you because I don?t love you any more, although it has to be said - I don?t like you at all.

There are many things I still cannot understand. I cannot understand how you could, for so long, have planned your exit from our relationship and then done something as simple as sit beside me and behave as though nothing was happening. I cannot understand how you could have gone through therapy and not been honest about your motives. These and other questions will always go unanswered for me. I don?t know which bits of our history that I can trust to have been the ?good times?. How far do I go back before I can say with some certainty that I can remember them with fondness?
Perhaps, as with my belief about your infidelity, I just need to choose for myself.

But with the ?benefit? of hindsight I can now tell you that I found trusting you hard for a very long time. Each time you kept something from me ?for my own good? or used dishonesty to protect yourself ? no matter how small ? I doubted you more. I may not know the many ways in which you lied (although I know many more than you?d think) but these are mere details now. After the first affair trust never recovered, not really. All I could do was try and ignore what was happening and pretend to myself that you were telling me the truth. I?d never do that again.

For a long time I bought into the idea that it was you doing all the caring and support. I realise now that you couldn?t have done half the things you did without me enabling you. It just wasn?t a one way street. Actually I think I said to you fairly recently that I?d have been a very safe bet for you as a partner. With children already and then DD, you knew I wasn?t about to go anywhere. As I recall this suggestion angered you. I think that means I might have hit a sore point.

Some people have suggested that should your life turn out to be rather less than you have envisaged in your plans, you may at some point decide you have made a terrible mistake and ask for a reconciliation. I?m aware that this does happen.

I don?t think this will be the case for you. I think you have acted in such a way because you were certain that I would take responsibility for ending the marriage, despite the many hours you spent in making plans instead of talking to me. These are the actions of a coward. They are the actions of someone who fails over and over again to acknowledge my strength and resilience and my right to make decisions on my own behalf.

If you did, by the way, consider asking for a reconciliation, the answer would be no.

I don?t know what the future holds for us as DDs parents. Now, I just don?t want to be anywhere near you. I don?t give any thought as to whether that will change. It simply isn?t important enough right now. Not as important as my future and my relationship with DD which goes from strength to strength.

If there is one good outcome for me in all of this it is the transformation of all of my relationships ? both those I want and the ones I don?t. If I were to be generous to you and if I have anything whatsoever to thank you for it would be for giving me the space to realise myself with others and to achieve what being with you made me think I couldn?t.

On last thing. Do not attempt a reply to this. I reserve the right to have the last word.

Wisedup

I personally wouldn't give it to him, and if in the coming weeks you have stuff you need to say to him arrange mediation or something. There're a lot of mixed messages in there. You seem to be putting yourself down in it. would also be opening a dialogue (despite the sentence at the end, which seems like wishful thinking!)

Perhaps keep the letter for a week or two and see if you still want to send it then.

Is cathartic to write stuff!

Soz if negative, breakfast mayhem!

Your letter to him is a valuable step for you in your goal to detach from him. It reflects the time you have had to think about how he has treated you, not only recently, but in the time you were together and your sense of betrayal is palpable. It must have been difficult for you to write.

I personally don't think that it is something he should see. It is in part a work in progress and I think your feelings will change even more over the weeks to come. He does not deserve to be part of your recovery and you may open yourself up to more of his manipulation if he had this insight into your feelings.

You made a decision to not have contact and that is something you must stick to for your own sake. You owe it to yourself. You owe him nothing at the moment.

I can see that as your DCs come to terms with everything it will re-open some doubt in your mind. Thats natural, but those adjustments are part of you healing and coming to terms with a different future.

I seem to remember reading that writing letters like this is a key part of any recovery. And the important thing is that you never send them. I have a feeling that if you were to try and write this letter in a couple of weeks, it would be different again.

Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

I'm afraid I agree with the others. You have been really strong in telling him you do not want to deal with him and going through the solicitors. This letter really tells him how vulnerable you are - it feels like handing a wee lamb over to slaughter. Don't do what they sometimes suggest & burn it, keep it, put it somewhere safe, add others too it and use it to help you work your way through it. Further down the line you will read it and be glad you didn't allow him to read it.

Trust me, I totally understand you wanting him to know 'stuff' and wanting him to see how much he's hurt you and what a shit he's been - but honestly my love, either he knows that already or will never know that. Your letter will simply make him sneer at you - it wont make him realise he's been a complete bastard.

He will take anything from it he can to futher manipulate you.

You have the rest of your life to say anything you want to him, there's no rush. Do it face to face - don't do it in writing, don't hand over a piece of your heart to him.

Of course - that's only my opinion and you must do what's right for you.

xxx

No, don't send it WOW. I agree it has mixed messages, but moreover I don't think you need to say anything to him at all, at least not now. During this detachment phase, it is really important not to give him a window into your mind and thoughts. That must remain a mystery to him. All he needs to know are business-like details about the divorce, shared assets and if necessary, essential information about your DD.

An ego-maniac like your H would never accede to your request not to respond and his self-serving, manipulative response would set you back further.

No dialogue with him at all is best right now. Once the dust has settled and the divorce final and irrevocable, you might find a letter like that cathartic to send, but I have a feeling you'd write different things then.

Thank you so much.

What you have done is what I need so much of today especially - some hand-holding.

Everything you said is right.

It's hard to keep in mind that recovery also includes the awful bits as well as those i can laugh about.

In writing, the last thing i wanted to do was reveal how vulnerable i feel, and re-reading the letter and your comments i see that this is exactly what i would be doing. So it will remain where it is. And there will be more like it in the weeks and months to come. And they'll stay with me too.

So I'll occupy myself for a few hours until it's time to make myself scarce and then DD and me will go eat some nice food and spend time together.

I could be wrong (and god knows I have been!) but I get the feeling that the issues about the academy might not be so prevalent for her now the reality, like my DS said, is beginning to hit home. But I don't fear her anger and hurt like I did. She has as much, if not more, right to show it and to vent it to the one person who is standing by her now. In time she will tell her DD what she thinks of him.

So the hoovering awaits.

thank you all again and again and again

WWIFN our posts crossed over.

As you can see I came to my senses and not a moment too soon.

Write the letters - but never send them.

it does you good to get all that poison out of your system (as does letting off steam on here ) - but don't give STBXH the satisfaction of seeing how he has affected you.

The fact that you are now refusing to engage with him in any way is "having the last word"

Good decision

I'm glad you feel more 'certain' of your relationship with DD, less scared of her anger/upset/running off to STBXH. It's a good place to be, knowing that you just have to do the right thing for her and that she may not like it, but it wont come between you, you wont lose her.

It's also good that you spoke to your DS and told him how you feel and gave him a chance to tell you what he was thinking. He's an adult now, you need to be able to talk about it.

Let us know how your day goes x

Thanks, Chipping, just having umpteenth coffee break before deciding where to take myself. Back later

Come here and help me with the bloody sanding!!!

I have been to the gym, done some filling and need to get my ass back in there! Instead I'm planning what to do tomorrow... I think I'm going to go into London, but the idea of standing around in thunderstorms is putting me off a bit.... it just seems so lame to live this close (hour by train) and not go in, the atmosphere will be fab - something to tell the Grandkids!

Yes...i wrote a letter and friends told me not to send it...and it was good advice!

Do write! You could try burning the letter as a way of getting the anger out??

Just got back from very nice food at Zizzi's.

While we were in there, I told DD i am back at work next week. She said "we've got to let the academy know, and that's all i'm going to say". I just said "yes we do".

I don't know what to think about what she's thinking. Maybe she's clinging on to the daft idea I had a few weeks ago about her D paying for it after the divorce is final.

because we both know that her D has been here today and collected his stuff ( i haven't yet looked to see if he took it all) I won't tell her tonight. It might be all too much. Or maybe i just better say it, after all they're supposed to know tomorrow anyway.

it's been ok today. better than i thought. i seem to get whizzed up about these things and the reality isn't as bad as i imagine it will be.

thank you for posting today. it was lovely to come home and see you there all of you.

i am spectacularly bad at sanding Chipping, no-one with any sense wants me around for any kind of home reno's. but respec' to those who have a go. .

sounds to me like she knows its a non starter. I like your laid back style...gives her the space to back down over it.

Well whatever she was thinking she's letting me know what she thinks now. She's in her bedroom and wont let me in and won't speak to me.
she may be texting H.

no she's kicking the door and crying. wtf do i do?

Oh

Ummm

Sit on the floor outside her room (with a couple of & chocolate) and talk to her through the door...

Tell her you want to come in and talk to her
Ask her what's up
Tell her that you love her and that you will wait there until she's ready to talk to you

Don't keep on at her though - just let her know you will be there waiting when she's ready to talk, then don't speak anymore. If you don't say anything she can't get riled up at you and defensive.

She's just gone out after saying she doesn't trust me. i agreed after she said she wanted to walk for a bit. she doens't like the dark so i think she will come back soon but i am ready to drive around if she doesnt come back soon. o fuck.

i also said that i accept that i am going to be the bad guy, that i knew that this was how it would be (whilst thinking that this how it has been set up actually). i was calm and quiet and boundaried.

Remember: your divorce papaers were served on your STBXH this week, so he may have uased that as the "reason" why he can't fund her going to the Academy.

Doesn't matter what the reality is and that she knows in her heart of hearts that the local school would be betters- he can "press her buttons" in terms of her dreams and where she is feeling the most vulnerable and so paint you in a bad light.

Hence her statement that "she doesn't trust you". :(

Give her space and time. It sounds like you are handling it birilliantly - even to the extent of being prepared to be "the bad guy" in contrast to your STBXH

Sorry I missed your last post :(

Is she back yet?

I'm pleased you were calm & boundaried.

Have you any idea why she has said she doesn't trust you?

When she comes back I would tell her that she needs to listen, and she needs to listen properly.... tell her that you have been completely honest, completely transparent in all you have said and done, to the point that you have told her things that most parents wouldn't have - because you are treating her as an adult, but that if she acts like a child everytime she has a problem this is going to be very difficult to do. Tell her that she can ask you anything and you will tell her the truth. Tell her that you understand she is angry, as you are, and that life isn't going the way either of you planned but she needs to talk to you and not stomp around like a child.

Well I guess she's saying that because of all the talking and bonding we've been doing. it gave her hope i think that i had changed my mind. When i was really feeling under pressure from H and very scared of losing D too, i caved and came up with some mad idea about making him pay out of his own money after all the divorce had gone through. But i also said that i was still just as opposed for all the reasons i had repeatedly gone over before. i never said that it could or would happen. i shouldnt have said anything but i was pretty desperate by then.

she's gone to bed now and has calmed right down. she says she is still anoyed and i have told her that i know that but nevertheless i still want to say goodnight and be here.
DS has spoken to her about this and told her she has years and years to fulfil her dreams and that we are all in a terrible place now but that it will get better.

somehow it feels like an unequal amount of the shit stuff is being left to me. i know full well that H will not support me one bit about this because he will then risk losing her for a long time, having made the promises to her. i made no promises and tried to get alongside her to show her there are more options than she was seeing.

it's more hurtful by far to think that i have lost DD's trust than it is to have lost my marriage. there can always be other relationships but to lose your kids trust is just the worst.