Divorce papers served - have I done the right thing?

[Wisedupwoman]

Had to name change again to be on safe side.
Been posting on other thread - hope followers recognise this.

H gone five weeks ago after second affair in 4 years was discovered by me but not before he gave many, many clues and slip-shod attempts to keep it 'secret' from me. H wanted out and would have known my reaction to finding out hence i think he took this way to force my hand. Heartbroken as long, long relationship with both adult and teenage DC's involved.

Today the divorce papers went to court to be served. The therapist I'm seeing commented that this has been quite quick. This has set up train of thought which goes 'was this my fault, am I assuming too much here about what H really wants, is he such a monster........'

Need ongoing support about this please......

Well given that I imagine he would cope with contempt as badly as he would indifference, I'd practise laughing at him WUW, whatever his apparel. Or perhaps you could practise stifling giggles?

He wears boots (shudder)

You'll be telling us next that he sports a pony tail (think Armstrong and Miller)....

Oh if only he had enough hair left in the first place WWIFN!

He actually spent the whole of new years day whingeing on because someone had said he was going a bit grey - FFS get over yourself man!

Well, clearly he's aiming for the Austin Powers look, except by comparison Austin looks almost human.

Matchbox, Saffysmum? Would that be with a single swan vesta in it?

Don't know about a whole single swan vesta WUW! Perhaps half a one.....at a push....!

Just caught up, am away in the wilds this week, hang in there wisey!

Think this thread has slipped into too much analysis of ptm, and that it'd be good to turn back to wisey's next steps.

(Am sorry to say that my dh actually looks damn good in lycra shorts! But he is young and athletic, unlike ptm.)

Wisey is going to put ptm out of her mind for a bit and concentrate on getting rid getting a better paid job so as to be free of ptm to shop and party a bit (or alot).

and tomorrow I am seeing sol and I WILL write a list of things to say as I keep going in there and forgetting what i want.

And where, oh where, is Chipping tonight?

I think some of this stuff has come at a good time for you to deliver one hell of a presentation. Your mind will be focussed on being able to buy more shoes on getting a new job which will truly be your first step towards independence.

You were saying earlier that he didn't bring a lot to your relationship in the beginning and you were in a much better position than him financially. I honestly don't think that it will be that long before you are back there.

Thanks Alldownhill it'll be all my own work which will be a huge boost for me to achieve even if I don't get the job, and if I do, the evening will be spent at a huge indoor mecca for shoppers in the south with DD, buying her prom dress (or she's going to spit nails) and something nice for her DM!

Hi Matey - it's been a long day.

Good to catch up with all the happenings.

Poor little darling having to pay nasty bills on a house he's not allowed in & not allowed to return back to ... shame isn't it. Should have thought about that before screwing her and trying to screw you over shouldn't he - stupid fuck.

I really hope you get one of these jobs :)

Anyhow, with little sleep last night I am plum tuckered so off to bed to watch Dave for a while then some sleep.

Sorry I missed you Chipping, see you tomorrow.
night all
xx
ZZzzzzzzzz

X to Chips, just crossed over

Look I love the spring and summer, especially the run of good weather we're getting now. But.

What with the birds I now have DS getting up at 4.30 to go to a new job. DS stomps around the house. This wakes the cats up. The cats wake me up. Cats give up pestering me and go to him and (loudly) pester him. DS doens't speak feline, so ignores them. they come back to me and stamp all over me. I try and get them out of the room. They hide under the bed in some sort of 'catch us if you can' game. We play this with one of their favourite toys (one of my bras) until I get them out of the room and shut the door. Then Lulu (girl) meows pitifully at the door while he eggs her on.
I give in and here I am.

So. Will glue some carpet to DS's feet. Any other suggestions warmly received.

Show DS where the tin opener is?

Not much help here. The men in this house can magically ignore a very large dog waiting to get out/wanting fed/wanting walked/whining...

They know that I can't ignore him. Conclusion is that I need to develop nerves of steel.

Kids and animals. On balance, wouldn't be without 'em but they can be a right royal pain sometimes.
Now, I need to press on with my list of sol issues and my presentation.

see you later
x

FFS have noticed the last line of an email before he lost his rag a bit. "hope you're enjoying the sunshine".

Well, yes I am actually, but unlike you I take precautions to make sure I don't get fucking irradiated by it! Sheesh, the bald-faced cheek of the man!

There's a kind of 'other world' feel about that kind of comment. Isn't there a name for it, I'm not sure.

When people are behaving in the most hateful and despicable way possible, they throw in some bland/personal comment which stops you in your tracks.

Surely thats the sign of an unstable mind - that they misjudge the tone and see nothing wrong with a nice little comment about the weather.

Its bonkers.

Kids and Animals? I have been known to moan more about the dogs than the DCs. They are fantastic, but as the DCs grow up and become more independent, the dogs stay the same and seem more dependent!

Hope your presentation is going well. As long as you have worked out how to start and how to finish, the rest will follow.

Its going to be interesting to see how the sol reacts to the latest developments. He may even tell you that you have progressed much further than he had expected. Then he'd have no excuses for holding anything up.

Ah well.

Turns out there's good, not so good and some mediocre news there (and i'm not so sure which is which so I'll leave that to y'all).

Sol opened by saying PTM has returned divorce papers, undefended, except he doesn't accept he has to pay (sol unperturbed, says court does the default position on this which is the respondant pays i.e. him).

then he says no matter what proof i've got that PTM is living with her, he has to send letters to the address given by PTM - that seeing as PTM is saying he wants mediation I must go - if only because sol knows i can't really afford to go to court. the nuclear option would nuke me too.

He says that the finances are disclosed before mediation begins so each party knows before they come face-to-face what the situation is (unless one of them is lying, or their current situation is not pertinant to how it will be i.e. PTM is living somewhere he is not paying for out of his own pocket and therefore offers need to be treated with caution and then court may be necessary).

If I take any surveillance information to the mediation then I can be seen as not being up front - just as PTM is now. so it's not worth my paying out to do this. I can say i don't believe he is living where he says but
surveillance could scupper the whole thing and cost me plenty. On the other hand i can say if he's living with someone he doesn't need so much to live on - whilst i need more because of DD. So co-habitation is relevant but it's not clear to what extent.

Shit. Sol says the divorce can wait, it'll be too much for me to take on with sorting finance too.

If I get to a point in mediation where i feel pressured or something's not right or I can't negotiate then I can go back to sol and court.

So all in all - a mixed picture. PTM isn't worried about being divorced on unreasonablegrounds, its just paying for it that matters. I have the number of a specialist mediator from my sol, who will write a 'sunny, no problem, (but we know you're a liar) letter to PTM agreeing to mediation, and I don't quite know where that leaves me.

DD said tonight "are you going to take D to the cleaners" and i said no. She said why not, he's hurt you? then she says "but i'd hate it if you were both saying "she did this and he did that". So i have to be careful. PTM's original plan was for me to find out the affair and for me to leave but I didn't.

Sorry, long post which took ages to write because have had couple of wines to get over the reality which is still sinking in......

So you know what? It's like the plan is that PTM tests the waters with my DS by introducing OW to him - sees what the reaction is from my DS and then thinks Oh well if i can get away with that then it won't be a problem with my DD.
or am i being paranoid again and investing him with too much power FFS?

V.V Good question minesa.

I'm thinking sell the house, go for all the equity (which H was suggesting), take up the offer of him paying the mortgage on whatever property for the rest of it's life (also his suggestion) and whatever else I can get. Also half his substantial pension obviously because it was our future investment. Plus, DD living with me until she's old enough to leave home and support herself. DD's up for that.

in the meantime I concentrate on my career and earn as much as i can, argue i need to keep that without it affecting what he pays because of his greater earnings. it makes sense to me, but then i have had a couple of wines!

Hi - all I know from my sol, is that you have the right to the initial mediation session on your own - then you can say you don't want it to go further, and refer it back to sol. My sol knows her stuff she has a good reputation, and only deals with divorce/family stuff. She acted for a colleague's sister (I found out after I appointed her) and she said she got her a really good settlement, and her advice was spot on. I guess I'm lucky in that I've got legal aid - so I can go to the courts. Hope it works out ok.

Well I gave the 'fuck you' stilletos a trial run, and I can walk in them!
Wore a dress which I bought a while ago and DD said I should wear it for the mediation because it looks great. so i will.

she wants to stay in our home but if we can't she wants to be in on choosing the house we end up in. So i have some bargaining power in mediation - it won't happen for a while as the letter goes to the pretend address, so i've got time to prepare, go for my interview, think hard about the proposals he made and make sure i get as much from them as i can.

maybe it won't be so bad, sol was pretty reassuring about the purpose and the process. Thanks Saffysmum

Don't you forget to wear your best smile with that outfit, even if you are crying inside outwardly appear happy and unaffected, don't let him know how much he has got to you, that will get to him more than words you could fire at him.

I wonder if he will wear his purple trousers for mediation

Keep up the good work, you are doing amazingly well. You may have your wobbles but you always manage to bring yourself back up again. You are fab!