Divorce papers served - have I done the right thing?

[Wisedupwoman]

Had to name change again to be on safe side.
Been posting on other thread - hope followers recognise this.

H gone five weeks ago after second affair in 4 years was discovered by me but not before he gave many, many clues and slip-shod attempts to keep it 'secret' from me. H wanted out and would have known my reaction to finding out hence i think he took this way to force my hand. Heartbroken as long, long relationship with both adult and teenage DC's involved.

Today the divorce papers went to court to be served. The therapist I'm seeing commented that this has been quite quick. This has set up train of thought which goes 'was this my fault, am I assuming too much here about what H really wants, is he such a monster........'

Need ongoing support about this please......

Hi
Spoke with DD. I asked her if she wants to live with her D and she said no, and if I did that would be selfish and I'm not selfish.
I asked her if she's sure he's living in london. She said yes, that's what he told me, he's living at X. I said what about OW, have you talked about her? She looked dumbfounded and said Who? no, of course not, why would i, don't ask me about her. what's wrong?
so i told her that i sometimes get the idea that maybe she'd be better off with him and she said no i wouldn't i would be unhappy. and then we said i love you to each other.

I'm a mess tonight Chips. Literally all over the place. I don't know what to think any more. The PD will keep it til I send the cheque and then he said he'll email me the address. but all I can do with it is have papers served. I'm also a bit dubious as to whether it's all kosher, i mean, how the fuck did he find out with only his and her names and the town - i couldnt find it on the electoral register. i don't want photos. DS said "she's as ugly as fuck mum, nowhere near as lovely as you are" but i still don't want to see her.

ok i won't give in. deep down i know i'd regret it if only because i am a fighter and i've stood up to bullies before even when i've been shaking in my boots. . don't worry. it won't happen. i can feel some fight coming back as i type.

Ok I will pay for the address and i'll get photos. you're right. i can keep them just in case, sort of insurance maybe.

thanks for popping in enuf, all encouragement helps me to pick myself up again.

thank god there isn't a word limit on MN - i'd have been kicked out long ago!

Good God, what a torrent of stuff you've had to deal with today. No wonder you are feeling battered and bruised.

My jaw is on the floor about depths of his utter depravity and the fact that he has been carrying this on for some time and has already involved your DCs. Its breathtaking.

I've got no fears for you with your DCs though. Your DD will probably be quite scared about what is going on and its no surprise that she has no doubts about where she wants to be. To be honest, for her to go to her DF wouldn't be sustainable as he sounds unstable and is a liar. Not someone you want your DD around. Its not selfish to want her with you - its common sense, its a mother's instinct. He can't care for her, nor do you have any information about the OW's suitability. Its a non starter.

So he found himself a minger with a big bank balance. What's that expression from Caroline Aherne? So what was it that attracted you to millionaire Paul Daniels? I go with what everyone was saying earlier - by not falling into line with his prepared script you are unnerving him. You have all the balls in your court, its just that these latest revelations have thrown you off course.

You are the one who has the love and care of your DCs. He's the one who is swiftly shrivelling up his own arse with someone who is stupid enough to have her own kids around a cheat and a liar.

OK, so she may have a big house, and may have money. Outward appearances are not always an indication of what is in the bank, nor what conditions are attached to that lifestyle. He won't have any security with her and you're in the process of removing any security he had with you.

He's really an attractive prospect... NOT!

Take care of your self and you'll find the fight in you returning, even stronger. xx And if you are in doubt, go back and read Annies post from a few days ago. It should be your anthem.

Bloody hell - I would have had to give it up years ago!!

Great conversation with DD - so now you know she doesn't know & she doesn't want to live with her D :)

The OW being 'as ugly as fuck' is a nice little sweetner, you will look doubly good in your killer outfit when the time comes

It's good to hear the 'fight' in you is coming back - I really don't have the energy to kick your butt with my steel capped boots as well!

Hang in there WUW, don't be bullied, intimidated or controlled by his manipulative behaviour, that is exactly what he wants. I am also sickened that he put your DS in such a position with OW, I can't help but think that he, your DS, has been used as a pawn in his sick game too.

Stay strong! You can and you will get through this! x

He's the one who is swiftly shrivelling up his own arse with someone who is stupid enough to have her own kids around a cheat and a liar.

It's good to hear the 'fight' in you is coming back - I really don't have the energy to kick your butt with my steel capped boots as well!

Arf at last Chips and Alldownhill I was beginning to think I'd laughed my last ever - but hopefully my biggest, loudest, longest laugh will be at him (and her) if this supposed H of hers takes them both to the cleaners. Perhaps I should have a word in his ear.....

Oh I think the potential for humour is only starting to dawn on us here... we've had the swollen brain (not sure whose!), the purple trousers... the OW with a face like a bag of spanners...

As I've probably mentioned before, a friend once wrote in a blog "I would call him a cunt, but he lacks the warmth, depth and usefulness of one".

D'you know what I think about STBXW aka Purple Trouser Man? I think he is not nearly as powerful as Wisey thinks he is, nor nearly as clever as he believes himself to be. If he isn't shit scared right now it's because he doesn't have the sense to realise he should be.

hey all, I'm back in every sense of the word. motherly duties done, i'm here.

God it's amazing what reading some earthy language and rapier like humour can do for the soul.

Some day soon I'll be able to call on your thoughts without panicking to find them first. Actually I have stopped fearing his emails now and I don't fear getting more texts - now that is a step in the right direction because he's just a poor Purple Trouser Man whose lost his family and is trying to replace it with someone else's. What a dick head.

I don't know why i persist in this illusion of his power. it's more powerful than he is.

Does anyone know how long before you can legally dispose of stuff that's been left behind? someone told me 3 months and someone else said a year (too long, i've got itchy fingers)

I can't help but think that he, your DS, has been used as a pawn in his sick game too
yeah, and sadly for him so too does DS now (at last, he loved his SD to bits since he was a kid so the fantasy of the wonderful man is gone), but he's going to be a great ally in the months to come. they're big blokes too, my DS's.
Be afraid, STBXW, be very afraid.

Work early in the morning so bed time.
x

Just thinking about your DSs. Most of the time my eldest DS (who is well over 6ft) treats me like, well, his Mum. Grunts, pulls faces, silences not answering his phone etc. Howver, as soon as he senses that I am upset and someone has been getting to me, he's right there ready to do battle.

Those are some of the best bits of being a parent.

Relish those moments, they are what will make you strong.

Sleep well. xx

NO NO NO he is now to be known as PTM surely??

I feel gutted for DS I really do. He's his Dad in all but blood... to know you are all but a pawn in his game is devastating. How long is it going to be before this stupid, stupid man wakes up to what he has done and is continuing to do?

Lovely to have two strapping lads on your side :)

If they are living together surely her DH knows (as it's not a secret from her kids)?

Oh and I think she's got exactly what she deserves - a lying, cheating, mid-life-purple-trouser-wearing-crisis!!! Ha fucking ha.

As soon as you get his address from the Private Dick you could very kindly arrange for all of PTM's possessions to be delivered, surely?

STBXPTM? No, that would mean he was going to take the purple trousers off.

My DS3 is one of those, not tall like yours but squarely built, and ready to knock anyone's block off if they mess with his nearest and dearest.

Just caught up with the latest developments. Bless you WUW, what a horrible man.

Please stay strong and resolute. PTM is welcome to his new life, with his "lovely" new "lady" - in his new home; let's call it Disgracelands. They can both rot there. At some point, perhaps when the novelty wears off; perhaps when she accidently throws the purple trousers in the same wash as her white M&S tummy control Bridget Jones knickers, reality will kick in. Her husband will probably, if he is a merchant banker, take her to the cleaners. She will lose her status as wife of merchant banker and all that goes with it. But hey, never mind because she has your cast-off. And what a prize he is, isn't he? A manipulative, lying, controlling cheat, who will use his daughter as a pawn in his silly sad game. They deserve each other.

You have more than either of them will ever, ever have. You have love in your heart, empathy, warmth and the true love of your kids. You are selfless and giving, and we all know that the more you give, the more you get back. So already, you have more than he will ever have. You can look at yourself in the mirror every morning and feel proud - and so you should. He can't - she can't.

Please try to detach more from him - I know it's hard, but it does help. Rise above it - think about you and not him. Daughter won't live with them - she may try it, but she'll soon be home, because kids gravitate towards love and warmth. There will be little of it in Disgracelands - I assure you. And also, I doubt Bridget Jones knickers will want her love nest invaded by another man's teenager - because that means she will have to compromise and watch PTM in his role as "devoted daddy" and selfish women who take on another woman's man, often don't have the soul to take on their kids too.

Push ahead with the divorce - don't respond to his stupid controlling games, don't waste your energy and brain cells on engaging with him - he is not worthy.

Hi *Saffysmum. So you're up even earlier than me. Couldn't sleep anymore. Your post made me wince and smile at the same time.

Actually I doubt that the merchant banker is still on the scene, if he ever was. Thats how much I can't believe what he has told DS.

I'm trying hard, I really am, to detach but it's not finished yet, is it? If I got even more backdated statements from the bank I'm sure now that they'd show they've been together even longer than he has said. It's the humiliation of it all in the face of his bare-faced deceit and openly hateful treatment of me. Ok, maybe he doesn't hate me and just wants to control the situation, but I feel hated, no I feel despised and i've never felt like that before. No. On second thoughts I feel like my whole being is of no consequence to the man who I have a DD with - that he is at heart indifferent to me.

It's a good idea to get the stuff delivered to their door. As soon as I have the address I'm going to do that even though I want to destroy it first because he's trying to sell it on ebay (3 guitars, one of them a very expensive one and a couple of amplifiers).

I don't think he will wake up and realise. I think he is beyond that and that's how he can do this in such a cold way. He really is in another place emotionally and psychologically and it's as if I never existed and now I'm just a minor but irritating detail to dispose of as soon as he can. Better still, I guess if I dispose of myself in whatever way suits. Then he can tell himself he 'did the right thing'. Don't worry, this is not the prelude to some dramatic but futile cry for help - people depend on me to be here and I will be.

I know that will have you groaning, it makes me groan - why can't Wisey see just how ordinary and dull this scenario is? Well, I can't pretend, all it feels possible to do now is act it by my silence with him and come here and tell you how it is along with RL friends. I'm afraid they'll get tired of this soon themselves. I know I am. A clean break would have been so much better.
I'm fighting someone who just isn't there to fight anymore, isn't really interested in engaging in anything.

Oh god, more verbal shits (can't spell diarrhea diarrohea oh fuck it)

Why am I so bothered about his indifference?

Because of 20 years and everything we shared. Like someone took an eraser to our history and just rubbed it all out.

Just read the posts again from you all last night and this morning.

Rise above it and feel proud of who I am.

Think of me and not him.

Push ahead with the divorce.

Don't doubt my DC's love and loyalties.

Read and commit to memory Annie's post.

Look after myself.

I will.

That's more like it Wisey! He is not in charge of how you see yourself my love, you are. And you are wonderful. You cannot let him make you feel despised and he cannot rub out the years you had together. They happened, and you have your dcs. What I'm trying, not very well, to say is that you have to think about your future, not his. Yes, the bank statements may confirm that this has been going on for a long time - so what? I mean, it's happened, he's cheated, for however long ... but the damage is done. So please try and see this from your perspective and not his - of course you feel very hurt and betrayed, and I really feel for you, but you have done nothing wrong at all, and the days when you had to wonder what was going on in his head and whether OW has or hasn't got an H are over. You need to look after yourself, put yourself first, and focus on your future, not his. I'm sure you're doing this - but of course it's hard. But try and turn this around, instead of thinking "God he was with her last (whenever) when I thought he was elsewhere - how could he do it to me", think "thank God I don't have to go through all that anymore, and I now have further proof that I was right to get shot of him".

And I wasn't up before you - I haven't been to bed yet! Worked all night, getting kids up and off to school, then it's my beddy time!

Have a good day and keep posting - it helps all of us going through similar to read your posts - cos you're a hell of a lot stronger than you realise X

Great posts this morning.

Look after myself

Yes - and everything else will follow.

"Disgracelands"

Lot of geniuses on this thread

Yes, I doubt very much whether PTM hates you. He's reduced you to a cipher because if he let himself think of you as a human being, his life partner, he couldn't do what he did. That would explain why he isn't much liked at work. He is capable of regarding people as disposable objects. You might hope after 20 years together he would at least have learned to regard you differently, but it seems not. Well, for at least four of those years he's been pulling away rather than growing closer, hasn't he? Some might say he sabotaged a long-term relationship through fear of closeness, fear of "losing himself" or of inevitable loss, but I think that's doing him too much credit. It's also possible to just be a self-centred git.