Divorce papers served - have I done the right thing?

[Wisedupwoman]

Had to name change again to be on safe side.
Been posting on other thread - hope followers recognise this.

H gone five weeks ago after second affair in 4 years was discovered by me but not before he gave many, many clues and slip-shod attempts to keep it 'secret' from me. H wanted out and would have known my reaction to finding out hence i think he took this way to force my hand. Heartbroken as long, long relationship with both adult and teenage DC's involved.

Today the divorce papers went to court to be served. The therapist I'm seeing commented that this has been quite quick. This has set up train of thought which goes 'was this my fault, am I assuming too much here about what H really wants, is he such a monster........'

Need ongoing support about this please......

Are you working tomorrow?

yes but im an early riser and i have work to do at home too.

Do you think you could go to sleep now? Hot shower and soft music ?

and I have a shit or bust job interview to prepare for, and I will make space for that I promise.

Yes, i can. thank you. you've brought me back down again.

Your kindness, just so, well, amazing really.
Goodnight Chips, and everyone.

x

I have a meeting at stupid o'clock in the morning (just found out when I got home at 10 tonight - fab ) but will check in as soon as I get back.

You will come out the other side of this and life will be bloody good!!!

If you have trouble sleeping or feel teary, just think of us all having a PJ party at yours giving you loads of hugs and making voo doo dolls :)

Hope you sleep ok
x

You will come out the other side of this and life will be bloody good!!!

I second that. Being at work will be tough today, but it will get you through the next few hours and those around you are supportive. It will all help.

Hang on in there and take care of yourself.

And I third that too!

You are amazing WUW, you make me proud to be a woman!!

Stay strong xx

Hi,

Thank you for your encouragement this morning. Not the most restful nights sleep but I did manage a few hours.

Well now I've calmed right down and have digested all the above and the new information, I see that it isn't me who's not in control and I see that it isn't me who's the spiteful one either. Absolutely I am mistrustful with very good reason (s).

His emails tell me he is stressed up to the eyeballs and so what, he's finding out things about me that he never thought were possible. I don't imagine that for the OW living with someone who is so fragmented and 'off sick' is going to be any fun, after a while. Well, you pays your money and all that.

I hope his recent impotency plagues them both.

So I may not be in the best position now, he may withdraw all his 'generous' offers to support me, he may up his 'victim role' to try and win over DD, I may end up in rented housing, but if so it won't always be bad. There is someone out there who I've yet to meet who will love me the way I want and deserve to be and I can love again too. But first I to love myself again and focus on getting rid.

I'm going to try and work on my presentation for a while.

See you all later ((hugs))

You're absolutely right WUW. I remember saying to you once that your H will find your reactions bewildering and unsettling - and because he sounds like an arch-manipulator who likes to have control over women, he will be feeling very discomfited by losing control in any way. His only desperate means of pulling the strings at the moment is through the finances, because he's learnt that manipulation doesn't work as well as he'd thought it would, with your DD. I'm sure it isn't lost on you that as your DD is female, he has been more manipulative with her than the boys. Emotionally intelligent men can see right through him, can't they? And he doesn't feel the need to manipulate men as much as women.

His worst nightmare would be for you to be financially and emotionally independent of him, so work towards achieving that nightmare with all your might.

I'd be interested in what your sol says about the money squandered from your joint savings account on his relationship with the OW - and whether that can be clawed back in some way, in your settlement. If you cannot technically, I'd be inclined to tot the amount up and assign the final sum to something else, so that at least you'd feel that you hadn't paid for his pleasure.

WWIFN so true. A colleague of mine suggested that whilst H can brush off other's hatred or love without flinching, he simply will not be able to tolerate people's indifference.

That is what I'm seeing now. His extreme reaction to my indifference to everything he has thrown at me so far, starting from the day I said "well you may as well tell me the truth now because you are going from here today".

So be it.
Thanks WWIFN.

WUW: "He simply will not be able to tolerate people's indifference". We're not married to the same waster are we? This is exactly how my Ex is; I know that he wants me and the kids screaming at him, crying and begging him to come back. The fact that we are all coping better than ok - and people are saying how happy and carefree I am becoming, will really wind him up. He even had the audacity, a friend told me at the weekend, to ask her to "keep an eye on Saffysmum, because she will be devastated without me". Friend said she smirked and said, "don't flatter yourself - she's looking happier and better by the day". Apparently, he looked really angry at this response! What a piece of work. My girls still don't want contact with him - 3 weeks tomorrow. You reap what you sow, as they say.....

Take care - you will get through this.

Saffysmum - my ex did exactly the same thing!! My friend, god bless her, simply said to him 'You think so? Well tonight she's out with x, he's a really nice guy, she seems to be coping just fine :)' .

He said basically the same thing to a few friends and was not terribly impressed to find out I was happy, having fun and seeing other blokes! He, for some unfathomable reason, seemed to think I'd be sitting at home crying into my tea cup?? I told him to leave - twat.

Fucking idiots aren't they!

Wisey - hopefully you'll sleep better tonight.

I don't imagine that for the OW living with someone who is so fragmented and 'off sick' is going to be any fun, after a while. Well, you pays your money and all that

Oh yup!!

I hope his recent impotency plagues them both

Yes, it will be a shame if you can't stay in the house - but at the end of the day, it's not the end of the world if you have to move... a fresh start in a new place might even be a good thing!

If it was me, I would be aiming to be financially independant of him so that any money I did get would be a bonus - something to use on the nice things in life... if it was at all possible. I would not want to be in a position where I was reliant on his money.

I agree with Chipping (yes they are all idiots!) about the house. Personally, I wouldn't mind selling up and moving tomorrow - a fresh start and all that - but I do like this house and the kids absolutely love it - so I'm staying put until youngest is 18 - then I envisage a little cottage - roses round the door, etc...

Sorry to hijack your thread and ask for advice WUW, but H is still getting post sent here, and parcels (no doubt his designer "trendy" gear from ebay - perhaps purple "Prince" satin trousers). So he pops in to collect it (always in the evening, because he can't get in during the day, due to me leaving keys in the locks and going out locking the one door he doesn't have a key to). I KNOW if I say "get your post redirected - he won't - just to spite me. Should I just stick it in the post box with return to sender, no longer at this address on it? What do you think. Also, I want his stuff out asap, the garage is jammed packed with all of it - he says he doesn't have space at the moment. As it is still his house as much as it is mine, do I just have to put up with this?

Thanks

Sorry Wisey - will stop hi jacking now. X

Saffy - I would tell him, next time you see him, that he is not to get anything else sent there, if anything else turns up it will be sent back 'no longer at this address'. End of. Up to him what he does about it then isn't it I would tell him he has until the end of the weekend to take his stuff from the house or you will arrange to have it put into storage at his cost

Hi,

you're not hijacking Saffy because i have exactly the same problem with post, some more has come today.

It's been a tough day, I had to come home early. I phoned some private dec agencies today and one of them came up with the address where H is living with her - she's loaded. I have to pay for the address and photos if i want them but i don't think i'll gain anything.

mu eldest DS has just told me that only a week after leaving H was saying "if anything happens for me and OW" and that's so humiliating that he has known all these weeks about her. Im also paranoid that DD knows too an is keeping it from me for whatever reason.s perhaps she's going to live with them both in the big fuck off house.

also really pissed off that sol has not got back to me. im going to try and see him thursday because i now feel like im doing this blind.

Evening :)

Sorry to hear it was hard going today.

So - they confirmed he's living with her and she's loaded? How much would you have to pay for the photographic proof (as vomit inducing as it would be)??

Why didn't DS tell you that before? Torn loyalties or was he worried you would be even more upset?

You can ask DD in a fortnight when her exams are over. At some stage she is going to know & who knows if she will choose to live with them or not - but I seriously doubt it (even if she'd be welcome - which I doubt she would, it's a bit cramping to have a 16 year old living in your love-nest!).

DS has just also said that a week after he left they went on the demo in london. H introduced DS to OW! She had her two sons with her. my DS ignored her and walked away. On the way back H and DS sat with our mutual friends and H didn't say a word to them about her. She's married to a merchant banker apparently.
So he wants me to know, wants to twist the knife because that man must hate me so much he wants to destroy me.

I don't think it's necessary to get the photos, what would it accomplish? it would show him that i'm bothered and I don't want to let him know. I'm seriously afraid that my DD knows too. I just don't know what to do, what to focus on - he could be planning for me to tell DD so that she's so upset with me for telling her that she wants to go and live with his new family.

could that be the case? what should I do?

DS didn't tell me before yes because of torn loyalties but they are gone now, and anyway he is dispensible in H's eyes. he's not his 'son' by birth so there's nothing to be gained from keeping him on side.

I feel like giving up and just saying yes to H's proposals, going to mediation and letting it happen. I could just phone or email him and tell him I agree to the best sounding offer and i'll take the disputes off the account if he'll just let me go without punishing me any more.

Jesus wept he's a piece of work isn't he.

I don't think that he hates you & wants to destroy you - I think he wants to control & manipulate you. Continually put you on the back foot so that you don't think straight and can't focus on getting your life together and everything you can from him... he didn't count on you having a core of steel... and that's his downfall.

How long will the PD keep the proof for you? I think if it's affordable I would buy it before it gets destroyed. It may help you in court. He doesn't need to know you have them unless you need to use them does he.

Please, please try to stop worrying about DD going to live with her D. I can't see her doing it and even if she does, there is nothing at all to be gained by worrying about it before it happens, or changing the way you parent her to avoid it. You can't be controlled by that worry... or you will end up with a 'ruined' daughter :(

Poor DS - he's had a lot on his shoulders hasn't he :(

Don't you bloody dare play right into his hands.

There is NO WAY he will stop 'punishing' you simply because you agree to his proposal - he will just use it as more leverage....

He will be fucking unbearable if you turn around now and agree to one of his proposals.... it's not as though you can agree to something and never have to deal with him again, you have the kids (well at least DD) you have no choice but to have to deal with him/around him until she's an adult. He will think all he has to do is keep being a wanker and you'll cave in.... your life will be miserable. Stick to your guns, show him you will not be fucked about & that YOU are the one in control here.

Hello WUW, I've been lurking on your threads & cheering you on. Just wanted to say, please don't throw in the towel. You're doing amazingly! So impressed. Also, maybe you should think again about photographic evidence because I think - although I can't be sure - that in the settlement OW's income may be taken into account if they are living together. Hopefully someone will confirm this. Either way, don't give up, you're doing so well and you're a real inspiration.