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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Divorce papers served - have I done the right thing?

1000 replies

Wisedupwoman · 18/04/2011 17:46

Had to name change again to be on safe side.
Been posting on other thread - hope followers recognise this.

H gone five weeks ago after second affair in 4 years was discovered by me but not before he gave many, many clues and slip-shod attempts to keep it 'secret' from me. H wanted out and would have known my reaction to finding out hence i think he took this way to force my hand. Heartbroken as long, long relationship with both adult and teenage DC's involved.

Today the divorce papers went to court to be served. The therapist I'm seeing commented that this has been quite quick. This has set up train of thought which goes 'was this my fault, am I assuming too much here about what H really wants, is he such a monster........'

Need ongoing support about this please......

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 16/05/2011 23:13

Wisey - are you still there?

ChippingIn · 16/05/2011 23:18

((HUG))

Wine

[steel capped boots]

It made me feel like throwing up when I read all of that, I so remember that 'discovery' feeling - when you thought you knew all there was to know, only to find out there was so much more :(

Stinking fucking wankering bastard.

Is there anything in there that would screw him up work wise? (As he's off 'sick?)

Alldownhillnow · 16/05/2011 23:18

I wish I knew more about these things, but my experience tells me that the law is pretty clear cut at these times and emotions and blame don't figure highly in the outcomes. I also know that some people can walk away from relationships, destroying everything in their path... without a backward glance.

I know its no solace to you and I hope that someone else can give you some comfort here.

For now, try and be kind to yourself. None of this is your doing.

When you see your solicitor, he will be able to tell you what YOU can do/have and not be at the mercy of what HE wants.

Alldownhillnow · 16/05/2011 23:21

Is there anything in there that would screw him up work wise

Was just thinking that when I see the news and the Lib Dem whose Ex seems to be undermining any chance he has of leadership with the speeding fine story.

TimeForMeIsFree · 16/05/2011 23:21

Maybe it's not that he is angry WUM, maybe it's more that he is feeling out of control and is hitting below the belt in an attempt to regain some of that control by knocking the wind out of your sails. He certainly has succeeded in that. It could be that he underestimated you in the first instance and expected you to crumble, cry and beg rather than do as you have done. You haven't given him what he needed to feel justified in his actions so he has to create a situation in which he is.

You need to remain focussed and you need to remain strong. You can do this, you can see this right through to the end, you are doing so well, you really are x

ChippingIn · 16/05/2011 23:22

He wont allow you any peace no matter what you do - so you might as well fight tooth & nail for what is rightly yours!!

Fucking gimp in his purple fucking jeans....I don't suppose DD took a photo did she? We could print a few & use them for darts practice.

Patronising fucker isn't he.

You know something though - I hope this is the turning point for you, the point at which you can actually stop caring how he fares in this and stop wondering if you couldn't have fixed it etc

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 16/05/2011 23:23

yes im here

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 16/05/2011 23:24

...hitting below the belt....

I'd like to hit him below the belt with those sexy new stilettos!!

ChippingIn · 16/05/2011 23:25

:(
x

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 16/05/2011 23:28

I've re-read his recent emails. he is losing it, totally. the things he says about me i checked against all the emails i sent him and i have been nothing other than accomdating and helpful (the cold but civil approach so well advised by WWIFN in the early days), apart from those in which i tried to appeal to his 'better' nature in or that I told him to stop being disingenous in.
i would happily supply all my emails for any court to see if they thought i was spiteful or panic stricken or any of the things he says. it made me feel a bit better that instead of concentrating on his words i read my own.

thank you all. Chipping so glad you're there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 16/05/2011 23:32

my colleague is going to speak to someone tomorrow about work. apparently he went back briefly but 'it didn't go well' - reading between the lines he was all over the fucking place and was probably told to go home and stay there.

Good because he has no business calling himself a therapist or working with anybody who is remotely vulnerable.

i wouldn't trust him to paint the white lines in the middle of the road - he doesn't know how to do anything straight.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 16/05/2011 23:34

Well done for reading your own - they represent the truth - his represent his need to blame you and that's about all.

Make sure you print all of them off - yours and his.

ChippingIn · 16/05/2011 23:36

Is DD asleep yet?

What terrible timing :(

ChippingIn · 16/05/2011 23:37

He's a walking mid-life-crisis

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 16/05/2011 23:40

Yes she's asleep now. She overheard part of a conversation between me and DS and insisted i tell her. So all I've told her is that I discovered her D had emailed me some stuff which upset me but that it's ok and I'm ok. She was better when she knew, but she said she misses him because he can't see her while he lives in London.

what a prick.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 16/05/2011 23:43

i'll see how much it costs for a private det to find him and get the evidence of his whereabouts and with who. i can get the funds for that. i know the town where he's based and it's small so shouldn't be difficult, and i know the reg of his new car too.

"revenge is a dish best served cold". who said that?

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 16/05/2011 23:44

You did well to tell her just enough to stop her worrying more. You can tell her the rest when her exams are over.

...in London? Where does that fit in?

ChippingIn · 16/05/2011 23:45

Some wise woman Grin

What good do you think it will do to find him?

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 16/05/2011 23:46

it fits as this is where he works p/t as a lecturer. its where he told her he's living (liar) and is where he said his stuff is. i believe that bit because the panic in his email about not being able to find any important papers was tangible (tough shit).

OP posts:
loiner45 · 16/05/2011 23:46

"revenge is a dish best served cold". who said that?

its an old Klingon proverb :-) spot the Star Trek nerd:-)

ChippingIn · 16/05/2011 23:48

Where does the OW live?

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 16/05/2011 23:48

I can get papers served again. also if needs be, and i think it will be needed i will need proof of his unreasonable behaviour. all i've got so far is the anonymous letter, the texts which are gone now and his admission of his 'friendship' with the latest one. I still have the email from 4 years ago which breaks off the affair with the first OW but the court only allows one example of infidelity so i can't use that probably.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 16/05/2011 23:49

in the green belt where a famous university is , oh fuck it, on the outskirts of oxford.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 16/05/2011 23:51

What about the bank statements?

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 16/05/2011 23:52

got those all ready to take to sol .

OP posts:
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