Divorce papers served - have I done the right thing?

[Wisedupwoman]

Had to name change again to be on safe side.
Been posting on other thread - hope followers recognise this.

H gone five weeks ago after second affair in 4 years was discovered by me but not before he gave many, many clues and slip-shod attempts to keep it 'secret' from me. H wanted out and would have known my reaction to finding out hence i think he took this way to force my hand. Heartbroken as long, long relationship with both adult and teenage DC's involved.

Today the divorce papers went to court to be served. The therapist I'm seeing commented that this has been quite quick. This has set up train of thought which goes 'was this my fault, am I assuming too much here about what H really wants, is he such a monster........'

Need ongoing support about this please......

Wisey what total crap for you to deal with. And in black and white. I can sense your outrage. There is nowhere for him to hide now. Nor is their any doubt for you what he has been up to.

How can he face his own DD having behaved like that for all those months? the lies, the deceit. What a total shit.

Bloomin heck, so while he has been 'ill', he's been playing away regularly with this bint using your joint account. Its a gross betrayal of your trust.

It reminds me so much of solost's thread when her Ex played the breakdown card yet saw no reason to stop screwing another woman.

You mentioned him wearing the stilletos?... yes, but firmly embedded in the soft tissue of his groin.

I cant even tell our DD because she's just started her GCSE's today, it will really upset her o shit it's like its happening all over again.
i told my eldest DS and he's got some of his stuff at his flat he said he'll sell it but i told him not to because its illegal. he's finally, finally seen the light and is in shock.

emailed me sol to tell him and ask him what can be done. i bet he'll say nothing. but i have numbers of private investigators to find him because that's why he's being so slippery about his whereabouts, he knows when DD finds out that's it as far as she's concerned. i so want to tell her but i won't, it will hurt her so badly, it's just that i'm so fucking angry and distraught there aren't words to tell how much i want to destroy him because i feel destroyed by him.

she knows there's something wrong im having to bite back my tears. i hate him i hate him i hate him

I have also just seen a load of emails from him to me since i blocked his email account to me. he says this:

I also wonder, given you have prayed to the court to grant a whole host of financial decisions, whether it would make things clearer if I just cancelled all household direct debits, pending the court's decision? It seems clear that you are not interested in considering any of my proposals, so I wonder why I should bother offering them - rather than waiting for a court order.

I can't tell if your actions are about regrettably understandable mistrust, blind panic, or pure spite - whatever the motivation, your actions are beginning to impact on my ability (and willingness) to honour my offers of financial support.
I will contact your solicitor to discuss this.

Fucking fucking bastard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well i seem to have rattled his cage somewhat.

Can you bring yourself not to read any more emails?

He's a total bastard and you need to try and take control for yourself again.

His pompous language has been crafted to hurt you to the core and he is addressing you in a patronising and offensive way. You don't need to read any more of those... really, please hide them.

I can understand your desire to professionally and personally destroy him. That bit can wait.

What you need to do now is protect yourself and get yourself out of this marriage as soon as you can. You have so much going for you without him in your life. He's dragging you down with him and we're not going to let that happen.

I don't like your STBXH Wisedupwoman.

"Your actions are beginning to impact on my ability (and willingness) to honour my offers of financial support" So he is suddenly the victim, giving no thought to his own actions and the impact they have had on you. He is coming across as very controlling and manipulative. Things haven't gone his way, how he would have liked them to have gone so he is making things difficult for you. What a man eh?

Stay strong WUW, try not to let him get you down, you are doing amazingly well so don't you let him knock you off kilter. This is a man who has taken to wearing purple trousers, need I say more??

Well I seem to have rattled his cage somewhat

He's trying to buy time and wear you down so you don't get to the bottom of his deceit. You are stronger than that and he's going to find his cage rather dented and breached before you are finished with him.

No - no more reading of emails. i've seen enough. They're threatening to cut off all money, and he can't figure out why no one at the bank can tell him why i was able to block the account - well look at the top of the fucking statements you selfish ignorant patronising controlling devious shit face and you'll see why - MY FUCKING NAME IS ON THE ACCOUNT.

i'm going to see a friend and i'll be back (in the words of arnie - where is my personal terminator now i need him) after a couple of wines. thank you and please keep posting to me, it helps beyond what you can know. xxxx

Yes, they are certainly the words of a man who is losing the battle. Don't feel angry or threatened, feel smug! He is obviously feeling out of control and that he has lost his power over you. You just carry on doing what you are doing because it is obviously working well.

Your personal terminator will be along soon, when she has finished sanding the walls. Come on Chipping, where are you??

you selfish ignorant patronising controlling devious shit face

You go girl!!

And enjoy your or two.

God...the sooner you are shot of this prick the better! What a total fuckwit.

It would appear that all the time he has had off work has enabled him to spout all this bile and try and manipulate the situation into being your fault.

Is he that thick that he didn't realise that you would be able to work out the bank statement? Or is this the kind of thing that some people do when they are trying to be found out.

And to think he was having all those strident conversations about the football academy and moving to be with your DD only a few weeks ago. He must be seriously deluded if he ever thought he could deliver any of that.

Your sol needs to press the nuke button, and pronto.

it really pisses me off the way they try to re-write what has happened to make themselves as blameless as possible and the completely illogical bollocks they do to try to carry on trying to get away with it.

And I feel so sorry for you over DD...what a crappy position to be put in...yet again...by fuckwit-purplejeans-I'moffhavingfunonyourmoney-pooroldme-arse.

What fucks me off most is how bloody predictable it all is.

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this wisey. Agree with coconuts that it's sadly predictable.

Is also predictable that you will deal with it with grace, wit, honesty and panache. Hang in there.

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this wisey. Agree with coconuts that it's sadly predictable.

Is also predictable that you will deal with it with grace, wit, honesty and panache. Hang in there.

I have a theory that we find/search for information at a time when we can put it to good use, or when we've finally got the strength to cope with it. This was reinforced on an infidelity thread recently - and I've concluded that it's entirely unconscious and is not the same at all, as denial or burying one's head in the sand. It's as though a higher power is invoked and suddenly, the quest for information becomes all important. I wonder whether that's why you looked at the bank statements now WUW or was it more coincidental?

Either way, much as it has angered you, information is power and I think it would be helpful to regard your discoveries today as being apposite. In recent days, you've been feeling sadness and loss emotions, as well as humanitarian sympathy. I wonder whether you may have also wondered briefly whether your response has been disproportionate to what he had been insisting for years were "emotional affairs"? Well, that particular bit of deception has been exposed for the tissue of lies it always was. He is a common-or-garden adulterer after all.

But a deeply manipulative, controlling one at that, as evidenced by those ridiculously pompous E mails. Those bank statements will be your friend, in more ways than one. Hard evidence doesn't lie.

It must be so hard containing all this from your DD, but offload to anyone else prepared to listen and keep your own counsel with her. It would not be a lie to explain that you have moments of intense anger about her Father, without having to explain the different sort of anger caused by these revelations.

This man will be in the pages of Lundy Bancroft, of that I have no doubt. He is evidently a deeply unpleasant character whose fitness to practise must surely come into question .

I have a theory that we find/search for information at a time when we can put it to good use, or when we've finally got the strength to cope with it. This was reinforced on an infidelity thread recently - and I've concluded that it's entirely unconscious and is not the same at all, as denial or burying one's head in the sand. It's as though a higher power is invoked and suddenly, the quest for information becomes all important. I wonder whether that's why you looked at the bank statements now WUW or was it more coincidental?

Either way, much as it has angered you, information is power and I think it would be helpful to regard your discoveries today as being apposite. In recent days, you've been feeling sadness and loss emotions, as well as humanitarian sympathy. I wonder whether you may have also wondered briefly whether your response has been disproportionate to what he had been insisting for years were "emotional affairs"? Well, that particular bit of deception has been exposed for the tissue of lies it always was. He is a common-or-garden adulterer after all.

But a deeply manipulative, controlling one at that, as evidenced by those ridiculously pompous E mails. Those bank statements will be your friend, in more ways than one. Hard evidence doesn't lie.

It must be so hard containing all this from your DD, but offload to anyone else prepared to listen and keep your own counsel with her. It would not be a lie to explain that you have moments of intense anger about her Father, without having to explain the different sort of anger caused by these revelations.

This man will be in the pages of Lundy Bancroft, of that I have no doubt. He is evidently a deeply unpleasant character whose fitness to practise must surely come into question .

Gah, is it my PC or does this site keep crashing, hence the double-posts?

yeah, the system is mega slow tonight and really very annoying!

Hello.
The bank statements have taken ages to come because the bank were crap at listening to what i kept telling them and only when i got antsy with them did they send me the statements.

but i could have asked before. i didnt' because i was under the mistaken illusion that putting a dispute on the account would stop the mortgage getting paid and the bills too. it was a kind customer service person who eventully told me that the reason i kept failing the security questions each time i phoned was because NONE of our bills or mortgage gets paid or ever got paid from this account. and then he said i can't tell you anything else but what i would do if i were you would be to check the joint savings account. that's how i found out he's spent it all.

so i found out when i was ready but i wasn't ready to find out where the money has been going and what he has been doing since at least january this year.

and yes many times i've wondered if i've been unreasonable in my reactions to his reasonableness and attempts to smooth things over. i am so afraid that there is no recourse in law to this and that actually it makes no difference to the outcome.
my DS's are sworn to secrecy while i figure out what to do. it is clear that he is so angry with me for not accepting the crumbs from his table.
i feel sick with horror at his words and his actions.

This is almost like a second wave of discovery and its no wonder that you feel this way.

Tomorrow will bring the opportunity to start to untangle this mess and get a detailed summary of where you are with all the money and processes.

You have your wonderful DSs behind you and that will be a huge source of comfort at the moment. How many more lies has he been telling and what on earth has been going through his mind while he has been robbing you blind? If you were not married, I guess that what he's been doing would be verging on criminal.

I think that in the end you will stomp all over him and finally see him for what he is. (pond life) Use the professionals for advice and action. Use your own energy for analysing the information you have, use your time to think things through. Whatever the law allows, you will soon have that information together. Just keep you eye on the future and don't let that bastard extinguish your light at the end of the tunnel.

I love the bit about the customer service person. So bank officials are human after all!

I'm calmer now. i will print off all the emails and put them together with the statements before making another appointment with sol.

I would like to be where you are and see objectively how it is. They're just words after all, but they fuck with my mind so that i can't see straight and I keep having to radically shift my thinking about what will happen - whether he is prepared to see me lose the house so that he can blame me for everything or whether if I just go quietly he'll allow me some peace. That's what if feels like is at stake here.