Divorce papers served - have I done the right thing?

[Wisedupwoman]

Had to name change again to be on safe side.
Been posting on other thread - hope followers recognise this.

H gone five weeks ago after second affair in 4 years was discovered by me but not before he gave many, many clues and slip-shod attempts to keep it 'secret' from me. H wanted out and would have known my reaction to finding out hence i think he took this way to force my hand. Heartbroken as long, long relationship with both adult and teenage DC's involved.

Today the divorce papers went to court to be served. The therapist I'm seeing commented that this has been quite quick. This has set up train of thought which goes 'was this my fault, am I assuming too much here about what H really wants, is he such a monster........'

Need ongoing support about this please......

Yeah, we did the 'where are mens brains located' the other night

I'll not be much help then. Still wondering where my DH's are and its not looking good for a positive outcome.

Of course. A delicate little bag which is just big enough to enclose a lady's dinky little pistol.

Arf at Alldownhill and Annie

So it's two bags, one for the pistol, the other to take a swing in case I miss the first time

Yeah I'll love again, there's still fun to be had.

Only if its a large one with a big handle so that when you swing it at him, you don't miss!

..with studs in it.....

See the thing is, why your marriage worked for so long was that you had so much in common. You thought he was wonderful, he thought he was wonderful. You wanted to make everything nice for him, he wanted you to make everything nice for him. You put his wants and ambitions before yours, he put his wants and ambitions before yours. Basically you were both in love with the same man. Harmonious innit.

Unfortunately, although as I said yesterday we love human beings with all their faults, he didn't extend the same to you. He didn't love you because you were human; he loved you because you loved him. And when someone else also offered to love him, well great, that's two of 'em, can't be bad! And then a third. If he'd actually loved you the way you loved him he would have said no ta, I couldn't do that to the wife. Instead, as far as we can tell, he did the calculation. If she finds out she may chuck me out. Will I still be able to fall on my feet? Is it worth it? Never, "how hurt will she be, should I spare her this?".

And that is why he does not and never did deserve you.

See the thing is, why your marriage worked for so long was that you had so much in common. You thought he was wonderful, he thought he was wonderful.

My, oh my - fantastic post Annie! I mean, so on the money.

Actually I'm speechless with admiration so I'll just and .

And that is why he does not and never did deserve you.

just wait until you meet someone who does deserve you!! oh, my!

I'm just thinking about that!

Annie you deserve a Mumsnet award for that post! What a lovely warm, funny woman you are - one of many on this thread I know I'd want to be friends with in RL.

In fact, I'd say that this entire thread embodies what Mumsnet should be about. Women supporting eachother through tough times, with compassion, humour and genuine concern. This is of course, equally true of you WUW. We've all come to love and admire you very much.

Agree, annie's post should be framed in the rsps section! With a little smoking gun motif.

Wow - amazing post. Perfect.

Bless you Wisey: Please, please try and stop wondering about what is going on in his head, and whether he is ok. Please try and focus on yourself. I realise you still have strong feelings for him. That is something that is holding you back. I get the feeling that deep down you are still caring about him - but honestly love, he is not someone that you have to care about anymore. Please focus on you and DD. I admire your strength so much, and think you are worth so much more. Put yourself first and your DD first (and I know you do this). His long term sick, for whatever reasons, is HIS problem. Ignore it - and push along with the divorce. You need to set yourself free, and then you can heal, and plan your future. And you do have a future - a wonderful future. Sending you love and hugs.

Thank you all again and again.

You're right WWIFN. When I first came here I didn't know what to expect, and I certainly didn't anticipate such support so freely given - and I'll never forget or take it for granted.

You will never know how much you have done to make all this more bearable .

Saffysmum I'm going to quote directly from Annie (acknowledments a given of course) when I come face to face with STBXH.

Steadfast MNers:

I will not soften, despite my softer moments. I will not retreat when I'm afraid. I will not believe the unbelievable. And I will not forget to remember.

And then I'll dance.

Anyone seen Chips? I bet she's entered the Apprentice.

Hey Chips are you ok?

wisey :) Hello. I banned myself from MN in the day yesterday and am only allowing myself half an hour this morning! Last night I didn't finish sanding till late then called a friend whose going through some horrible medical tests and was basically too shattered by then to even get the laptop out. Little birdies started again at 4 - I do wish they'd sleep till 6!

So - to catchup...

It's good that your posting on here unleashes stuff - it lets it out and allows you to look at it - it's hard, I know, but it's good.

Great news about the two potential jobs :) Is the money better?

I'm scared that I'll never get over this - that I won't get over him - that I'll always regret what I didn't do in time to save it, that I'll never stop loving him. Actually, that I'll end up alone and lonely

You will get over it. You may end up like me, still having regrets about what you could have done to change things before they went arse up, still loving him, still wishing it could all be like it was before it went arse up. But you know what - even though I feel like that, I rarely think about it and I KNOW that I can't turn back the clock to un-fuck-it-up and that how it was at the end was not good (for either of us). It's not like you sit around thinking about it. You may end up alone, who knows, but I seriously doubt it - you are lovely, stylish & look stunning. Even if you were to stay single - it is still better than being with a controlling, manipulative man who cheats on you and uses money and your DD to hurt you.

He's on 'permanent sick' leave and not returning to this area - no suprise there then. I agree with Alldownnow :(

'Not knowing how to proceed' get your sol to send him a letter telling him it's fairly obvious how he needs to proceed. He simply needs to return the divorce papers and send a letter detailing what he is 'offering' financially. DD is 16, she will decide if she wants to see him or not, no 'childcare' needs sorting. WRT to mediation/sol doing it or court... I think you need 'financial disclosure' I am more worried about him having debt in your name that you don't know about than him stashing money. I fear that you wont know if he's being honest in mediation or not. You need to ask your SOL what would happen if you sort this out in mediation then find out later he has more debt in your joint names.

I love Annies posts :) So right, on both counts!!

Like your soapbox speech!

Last day of the working week.... what have you got planned for this weekend??

Right, I've had longer than my allowed 30 minutes. I'm baby sitting tonight, but will come and 'see' you when I get home.
x

PS: The Apprentice wouldn't have me - I'm far too badly behaved and I wouldn't be calling him Sir Alan, not even over his dead body

I love the birds, but sheesh, can they not just zip it for a while longer in the a.m's!

Both jobs are better money and F/T.

I'm so pleased to hear the past doesn't plague you Chips, god knows the present is often hard enough to deal with without that. I take heart from your words.

The sol, I will def get him to write, good idea. Yes, I'm more worried about debt in my name too. The joint money is gone now anyway, so there's no point fretting about that. He's told DD he can't take her to football this week because his (our) account is barred - not true, it's active but his SO's are stopped. I didn't respond though - I'm learning!

This weekend depends on the weather - if good, some garden chores. If bad, don't know. Will catch up with friends. Or both.

have a lovely day, see you later.
xx

more good news this morning.

STBXH has agreed to pay huge leccy bill, direct with the utility company. he is liaising with them. he seems to be getting the message.

Thats excellent. Something to cross off your list with a flourish!

You're sounding stronger this morning and in a better place.

I still can't believe that your Ex actively talked about an exit plan from his work so he could squeeze every last ounce out of them. He won't be the only one who has worked it out. Thing is these days its not so easy to get the big payouts. However, I do know people who have taken early retirement (huge packages) and have then gone back on a regular basis to do 'consultancy'. And this is in the public sector. Talk about a gravy train!

Anyway less of my ranting! I've a whole load of things to do today and sitting here won't help! I've got DCs birthdays coming up soon and need to get shopping. Thank goodness that is one of my strong points.

Oh god Alldownhill I can. I can readily believe he'll spout all sorts of beliefs about equality, justice and fairness whilst doing the other thing.

Now, as for the shopping you're about to do, well. Gird yourself, make the most of your strong point, and enjoy!

Ah, there you are!

Found out by ringing the company this morning. What a relief. They'll also ring me to let me know how much he'll pay off a month, and he'll do it separetly from me paying the bills from now on. Only minor thing is the account is on hold until the debt is paid but it only means I pay by debit card monthly instead of DD - no credit scoring black marks for me as bill remains in his name until it's paid.

Alldownhill is going shopping . I, on the other hand, am going to be working on presentation for my interview (grimaces at thought). You will be sanding. Who gets the best deal here?

Have just had target setting meeting with DD and her form tutor. She's doing so well, and has been told that if she stayed with her school for 6th form she would have been up for Head Girl! (she had to stifle a huge grin to remain cool-looking, but I failed on that score!)

Ok, take plenty coffee breaks, keep those goggles on, and will catch up later.

((hugs))

Yes, but it was mainly Sainsburys this morning. You know the biggest decision there is whether to go self-check out or go gaga in the queue!

I'm lucky to be meeting a friend for coffee and I will also have some time to browse. Today is the only day I don't work, so I get to shuffle back and forward round the shops without the DCs whining and my DH asking me if its something I need... or not. Now, don't you think that he'd have worked out by now that he doesn't get to have an opinion on purchases. And 'needing' has got very little to do with it!

Good luck putting together your presentation. Having to work out how to pitch yourself is tricky. I've recently started a new job and am amazed at how I have adapted, learnt new things and I am sure that you will start to look forward to some new challenges. And reap the benefits of your hard work.

So you're Ex is one of those who has one rule for himself and a different one for everyone else. They are so transparent. I do think that friends drift away from people like that. They are too much like hard work and as Annie said so beautifully, and are too much in love with themselves to see anything wrong. What's that phrase? ... inhaling your own exhaust fumes...

WOW - about your DD. And the prospect of being really appreciated in sixth form. That's briliiant!