Divorce papers served - have I done the right thing?

[Wisedupwoman]

Had to name change again to be on safe side.
Been posting on other thread - hope followers recognise this.

H gone five weeks ago after second affair in 4 years was discovered by me but not before he gave many, many clues and slip-shod attempts to keep it 'secret' from me. H wanted out and would have known my reaction to finding out hence i think he took this way to force my hand. Heartbroken as long, long relationship with both adult and teenage DC's involved.

Today the divorce papers went to court to be served. The therapist I'm seeing commented that this has been quite quick. This has set up train of thought which goes 'was this my fault, am I assuming too much here about what H really wants, is he such a monster........'

Need ongoing support about this please......

I think its brave of you to be so candid about your feelings, not only with everyone on this thread, but with yourself. There is a sense of disbelief in what you are saying and that horrid realisation that its not a dream and that no amount of instructions that you give to your sol will change the deep feelings that you have.

After all, you worked through his first mid life crisis and gave of yourself then when you went through therapy. You tried hard to put everything back together again, you trusted him. I'm not so sure from what you said before that he actually did that too. It sounded as though he went through the motions, but did not committ to your marriage. He wasn't that honest with you.

I wouldn't be so sure that he thinks of you in the same way as before. In some ways he needs you to have become this vengeful madwoman who is making the whole process very difficult. That lets him off the hook and enables him to play more of a victim role. He's hurt you really badly, so there must have been a pretty ruthless person in there too. Its not so long since he was playing games with your DD. In my book that's a blow below the belt. What was he actually trying to achieve?

Your reactions to his behaviour have been entirely within reason.

I'm sure that underneath everything, he will hate himself for what he has done to you and your family. He's had chances to put that right and not taken them though. That tells you everything about where he is now.

Bless you Wisey - you are so lovely. You are grieving my love, for what you had and what you could have had.

Some practical advice - just saw for the first time my new best friend, Mrs Shit Hot Lawyer (SHL).

SHL said that mediation has to be offered by law. She agreed with me that it's a waste of time in a lot of cases, and certainly in my case. So she said to see it as hoop to jump through. Accept the first session, insist that it's on my own (we can do this apparently). Then say "thanks but no thanks" to the mediator (either at the end of the session, or by email. And that's that box ticked off.

Take care

Thank you G&T and Alldownhill

Not respect, no. And yes, disbelief. No-one can make it better. Not even H, now because the damage is done. it would hurt for a long time no matter what he did to put it right.
No he wasn't honest in therapy. He wasn't even honest when I asked him outright, not once. What I got was hints and innuendo, invitations to be even more paranoid - but no outright honesty.
And yes, a man who can be ruthless with me in the same way he can be ruthless with people he wants to step over to get what he wants.

thanks too Saffysmum - you mean you can see the mediator on your own or your H on your own? it helps to know it can be a box ticking exercise.

DD has just come home and oh, the poor girl - she burst into tears because she misses him and wants him back here with us. someone has ribbed her about 'going off to chelsea' and it's brought all her hurt to the surface.

Am going to spend time with her to comfort her. back in a while.

xxx thank you

Hi Wisey - SHL said I can insist on seeing mediator on my own - for one session, and then decide not to take it any further. She said that there's no way I can be forced into the same room to "mediate" with H there! So bascially I get offered mediation (by law) I pay lip service to this, pop along and nod in all the right places - then tell mediator/s that I shall pursue it through my solicitor, and not them. Tick a box. Had mediation - unsuccessful. Sorted.

Sorry about DD being upset X

Oh sweetheart x

I just want to HUG you.

Of course you still love him, of course you want your life & your relationship back to when it was good. As I said earlier, it's very hard because you wonder how/when/where it all went so wrong and you think about what you could have/should have done - you think, as you say, about the missed opportunities you had to make it right/better/different.

It's all utterly, utterly shit.

You want to see him, you want to know he's OK and you want to hold him - what you actually want to do is make it 'right' again... to not be going through this.

You have to do what is right for you - but all I can say is that no matter how many times I saw him, not matter what either of us said, it just didn't change the here & now and actully made it more painful because it was just agony being together knowing we'd fucked it up, wanting to put it back together but knowing we couldn't.... we held each other, we cried together... it didn't change anything, it was nice while it happened then it just hurt all over again.

I still miss him now, I still have regrets, I still love him - it still kills me that we fucked it up, because we had so much together, so much time and history, so much shared pain & happiness & we both wanted it to be forever...

He did some shitty shitty things to me and I should hate him for what he did, but I don't have it in me... and I don't think you do either.

I think all we can do is try, on an intellectual level, to accept there is no going back and to minimise the pain.

Don't rush into talking to him or seeing him and don't credit him with too much empathy or 'goodness'.

It is hard on DD, there's no doubting that - but she hasn't lost her Dad, he just doesn't live in the same house and she needs to understand it's not the end of the world.

Hey WUW it had to come, my love. You are only what, 9 weeks on?

You need to grieve for all those lost expectations and mourn the loss of the person you invested with so much trust and love. It's perfectly normal and it would be strange if that didn't happen.

Of course your H is not a pantomime villain and he will also be floundering too somewhat. But when these times come, try to focus on what an objective person who doesn't love him romantically or unconditionally, might say about him. He might have been the right man for you once, but you were different then. He's not the right man now for you, for the person you have become and grown into. In many ways, you have probably outgrown him and his influence/power over you. I expect he knew that too, hence his need for dumsels in distress whom he could "rescue" and manipulate. That hasn't been you for a long time, fortunately.

Thank you again. Chips I know seeing him would make it all the more painful. I won't do that. I just need to be honest with myself (and you all) about how I feel. I don't have the energy to keep the anger going, not all the time.

What you described Chips about you and your H crying together, holding each other, would be exactly what would happen with us. And then he'd go, and we'd be in exactly the same place. I'm sorry you went through it too I really am, he must have been mad to treat you in a shitty way.

WWIFN Controlling, manipulative, narcissistic, calculating, cold and deluded are just some of the words people have used who aren't as close to him as I have been.

Alldownhill maybe it does serve a purpose to construct me as a vengeful madwoman - but I don't know how else to do this - setting us both free from a dead marriage is what he has been aiming for for a long time. What am I supposed to do except divorce him, it's the only sensible thing and it actually does give him what he wants (actually that question is not so much for you as what I'd ask him but I can't begin to guess what he'd say, not now).

DD tried to make me promise that I'd have done all I could to get her to Chelsea - she tells him that she's not going because she doesn't want to, and not because I won't allow it. I said she doesn't have to lie but she's afraid if he knows 'the truth' he'll start on me.
I said she doesn't have to lie and i'll tell him myself.

Wisey - it is extremely exhausting keeping the anger up - it's like grieving, putting on a front, it wipes you out.

All that and my instinct is still to defend him wisey - this many years on, not weeks or months, but years.

Re DD: I think I'd just let her tell him that if it's what she wants to do. Let her do this for you and for herself. She needs to feel like she's helping and she doesn't need to hear him going on about you not letting her go or blaming you. He knows the truth, he knows you know he knows the truth - there's no need to put it under a spotlight.

I hope you get some sleep tonight
x

Wow. He's done a number on dd hasn't he, that is below the belt, as others have said. Was almost feeling sorry for him earlier (just a little)! Really get angry when people manipulate kids.

Poor dd. Hope she feels better in the morning.

thank you Chips I will, and you too.
x

Maybe he has been wanting this for some time, but the moment you picked up the phone to the sol, he no longer had control of the situation. You have an equal say in how this moves forward.

You know that you are not the person he is painting and he knows that too, but with the gloves off, he will say black is white and white is black so it probably doesn't matter if you are the archetypal vengeful woman or not, he'll just shift his line of attack accordingly. And remember the phrase that 'he who shouts the loudest has the weakest argument'. I am sure that those around him are already making up their own minds.

I honestly don't think that there is any right way of doing this. You have to be true to yourself and your DD - your instincts to protect her have been amazing and you have found the strength to follow those through.

Its your instincts as a mother which will see you through this. Thats what he's seeing at the moment; not some madwoman, just a lioness protecting her cubs. There is a huge difference.

Be kind to yourself.

Hi,

Thankyou again.

You have an equal say in how this moves forward

And I will keep going to achieve this.

I won't give up. But I'm scared that I'll never get over this - that I won't get over him - that I'll always regret what I didn't do in time to save it, that I'll never stop loving him.

Actually, that I'll end up alone and lonely.

Sorry, your help is so welcome and I don't know what state I'd be in without it, but at the same time it unleashes all of this other stuff.

Hello.

Another day ticked off the working week - good.

Have heard from colleague today that STBXH is off 'permanently sick' and won't be coming back to this area. Not sure what that means actually.

Have also had letter from sol with copy of letter to him from STBXH. sol says it appears to be positive. In it he refers to me as 'the petitioner' and then 'my wife'.
STBXH has not returned divorce papers but has returned the arrangements for children form.
He is saying that he is unsure how to proceed due to my reluctance to mediate/talk about future financial and childcare arrangements but he is hoping for an agreement. And I have the address to serve papers again.

So sol wants to know how I feel about his writing back to STBXH about the future and trying to discuss it with him this way, or whether I want a record of financial disclosure first before I start talking in mediation about the future. He thinks that finances could be agreed at mediation which would save me alot of money by avoiding court, before we consider the long term stuff.

I am not going to do my usual knee-jerk reaction and whizz off an email yet. It's got me a bit shaky and I'm trying not to be paranoid.

I don't know what the permanent sick thing is about, or what the not sending divorce papers back but sending the childcare one is about.
The good news is I have an interview for the job I applied for and there's another one, close to home which is about to be advertised. If STBXH is out of the area for good there would be nothing to make it difficult for me to work here.

First of all Congratulations on your job interview!! You'll sail through!

I don't know much about the legal processes but do think that your decision to mull this over is the best thing to do at the moment. If there is some way of reducing some of the costs, then its worth considering. You just have to be sure that you feel safe and you are have done your research before facing him.

The one thing which has alarm bells ringing is the 'permanently sick'. As far as I know, you can't do that these days. If you are long-term sick, your employer will have to go through procedures to find out when/if you can come back to work. If not, then it may be that he goes on ESA which is a very small amount every week.

It makes his whole financial situation sound even more precarious. A mountain of debt... promises to your DD and then no job. I hope I am wrong, but sounds as though he won't have any money to pay maintenance.

I hope someone else has a better answer for you.

Yes my alarm bells are ringing too, Alldownhill. I'm not surprised now I've had time to think about it. STBXH said some time ago that if he thought his job would be downgraded or he'd lose substantial pension rights in the wake of the Hutton report, he would go off long term sick. Having said that I keep remembering he told me in the early days of separation he'd been for 'medical tests'. My friend was in the exact same spot when her DH left her in the shit. Soon after he was diagnosed with a 'swollen brain' which meant he was off sick for 2 years before they finally got rid of him. She didn't see a penny. (And his swollen brain didn't stop him from drinking, partying, shagging anything that moved or generally doing exactly as he pleased).

I hear via DD he might be going full time with his other job. So it could well be another strategy to secure himself all srts of things but I don't know what - sympathy springs to mind though.

But yes, if it is long term sick then the ride could be alot bumpier than I first anticipated. However, I think I can deal with that, my main concern is the coming face to face and you're right, I'll have a load of questions about the stuff he hasn't talked about - debt being the main one, to see if he's prepared to be honest about it in mediation. If he's not honest then I'll know for sure that court is the only way through this.

thanks for your post and your good wishes for the interview.

how will it sit in court if he is long term sick in one job but working full time in another?

That will surely not be something he'll want coming out into the public arena?

I remember having actual nightmares about my bastard ex right up until the last meeting I had to have with him about separation details..then they just stopped

I used to work in hr (sick absence management). If someone goes off long-term, they often end up being told to come back to work or be sacked. this is in cases of genuine illness. The timescale will depend on the manager and how closely the organisation monitors absence. The person off sick is often expected to allow the employer's medical adviser to write to their doctors and to have an assessment with the employer's doctor of fitness to work.

Sometimes there can be compensation if dismissed for ill health, but not always. It is vv difficult to get "medical retirement", only really happens with v serious illness, eg untreatable cancer.

If they are found to be working for someone else or as a consultant or smething when meant to be off sick that would be gross misconduct. I saw several cases of people getting sacked for this kind of thing.

Sorry to focus on the practical rather than emotional!

Dozer your practical knowledge is SOOOOO helpful! Y'see I think that he may be feathering one nest whilst quietly vacating another. Can't even contemplate the possibilty that he's got serious illness.

Migrating that's a really good question. and I had a bad dream only last night in which he had his bloody hands round my throat - seriously!

I can see the shoes are going to get their maiden voyage...........but girls, do I get a bag or what?

Thank goodness there are some ethics at play here Dozer. However it sounds as though Wisey?s ex has been working on some kind of plan for a while. Nor does it sound as though he operates in a with morals at the top of his list.

Even if he is planning a brighter and wealthier future, I can?t believe (despite his promises to your DD) that he is likely to share it with you.

A lot of this is pretty bleak, but at least you are exploring all sorts of possibilities/scenarios which means there will be little left to surprise you.

On a lighter note? couldn?t help but chuckle about the ?swollen brain?. On one hand, the story is outrageous (but sadly believable) and on the other its made me think of all sorts of un-PC things to say about men and their brains?

but girls, do I get a bag or what?

Only if its a large one with a big handle so that when you swing it at him, you don't miss!

LOL! Yeah, we did the 'where are mens brains located' the other night - hilarious!

Sounds like he is quite manipulative at work too, won't go down well.

Congrats on the interview.

You WILL stop loving him and will find someone else, at a time when you're over ex-h.

You must have a bag too, of course! And some good lip gloss!