Divorce papers served - have I done the right thing?

[Wisedupwoman]

Had to name change again to be on safe side.
Been posting on other thread - hope followers recognise this.

H gone five weeks ago after second affair in 4 years was discovered by me but not before he gave many, many clues and slip-shod attempts to keep it 'secret' from me. H wanted out and would have known my reaction to finding out hence i think he took this way to force my hand. Heartbroken as long, long relationship with both adult and teenage DC's involved.

Today the divorce papers went to court to be served. The therapist I'm seeing commented that this has been quite quick. This has set up train of thought which goes 'was this my fault, am I assuming too much here about what H really wants, is he such a monster........'

Need ongoing support about this please......

His poor dad, yes.

He's lovely and would absolutely spin if he knew even half of what has been going on. My guess is (and this is awful but based on experience) that he will never know because he is poorly and STBXH is hoping he can keep it from him until he doesn't have to say anything at all.

STBXH will have to find a way to live with that himself if it is the case.

My therapist has noticed that my talk about him is the talk of a devious monster, but her take on what I say is that he is actually just a weak and frightened individual who has dealt with this in the only way he can, by splitting off the stuff he just can't deal with (it fits with his general plate-spinning avoidance of stuff). So the hurt and destruction to me and DD is not in his thinking, in order for him to carry on functioning.

I get what she's saying, I think.

The next purchase will be a bag, to go with the shoes, obviously !

Alldownhillnow, she can't buy too many shoes or DD will say "well if you hadn't spent so much on shoes you could have afforded the football academy!". (It would of course have to be a main load of shoes before the accusation was in any way justified, but still.)

DD tells me her D has stopped doing the 'money is no object' thing and he's now 'strapped for cash'.

Fits with the victim story though.

Our mediator will be a Family Law solicitor who does both. I spoke to him a few weeks ago and he sounded very nice and was prepared to work with us when I am ready.

If and when we do it, I'm pretty confident we'll have someone who knows what's what. I've got no confidence in our local mediation service though. They only get one days training in Family Law - not enough to warrant £200 per session in my book!

The Family Law guy sounds good. It might even be worth doing, or at least trying, with him. You can always call a halt and head for court if it doesn't look like you're getting anywhere. Just depends on what you can afford, really. Bet he costs a mite more than your average handbag.

Agree the local bunch don't sound very promising.

One day training in Family Law and they're let loose.. blimey, no wonder they're shit not as effective as they could be and at £200 a session?? I can't remember what we paid? - whatever it was, it wasn't worth it - even if it was free.

Are you watching The Apprentice with us - we're on here if you want to later :)

Surprisingly not more than local service and I'd gladly sacrifice handbag if he does the job!

Hey,

Feeling blue this morning. Miss the man I loved before it went tits up.

Got to face work.
Didn't see the Apprentice either!

Sometimes the prospect of work is daunting when you are going through difficult times. But it can also be a bit of a saviour as it takes you away from those constant thoughts. I've found that although it was extremely difficult to do my work when family strife has been at its height, it has seen me through some bad days and given me space from those issues.

Its natural to want the good times back though. You will still have some happy memories, I am sure. Nothing wrong with that.

I didn't see the Apprentice either - I usually watch the follow up on BBC2

Hiya, hope work goes ok...

I agree that he may well play the victim. And be difficult about finances. Is good that you have a good job to fall back on, but hopefully the lawyers can get you a good settlement.

Not got any experience of mediation, but if you do go at least you'd only have to see him in a controlled environment with someone else present, wouldn't be the same as the ad-hoc contact that you had to cut off to reduce stress. Not that you should have to do it if you don't want to.

I have just dug out a bag of old but little worn shoes and handbags, v nice to rediscover them!

((Hugs))

It's natural to miss the man you thought he was. It's utterly bloody miserable at times and you wonder where/when/why/how it all went so wrong... and worst of all, if there was anything you could have done to change that. It's shit.

I hope your day has been OK.

I'm babysitting for a friend this afternoon from about 4 till 8 but will be home after that. We'll be on The Apprentice thread too if you feel like a bit of a laugh.

x

Hi, thanks for that Alldownhill and Dozer

Work went fine really. Also got home to find my latest phone bill is within budget - result! (little snippets of good news and all that)

Its natural to want the good times back though. You will still have some happy memories, I am sure. Nothing wrong with that.

I've been pretty vitriolic here, I know. I've vented loads of angry and bitter stuff, things which I'd never normally think, much less say. MNers have helped me get it out of my system.

I'm still left with alot of that, but I'm also left with the undeniable truth that I still love him.

You might well ask what there is to love? Honestly, I don't know now. I do know that the moment I stop thinking about all the lies and awful behaviour I miss him and think about all the missed opportunities I had to do things differently, be the woman I was when we met - now it's too late and I can only be the woman I am, on my own.

It's as if half of who I am is gone and I don't know how to fill the space - we were so close he was my best friend,and the only person in the world who knew me so totally that his going has taken me with him.

Even when I couldn't trust him anymore, I trusted him enough to tell him I couldn't imagine my life without him in it. Now he's neither in my life nor out of it either. It's like he died but he's still out there somewhere.

You don't love somebody for being perfect - that's marble statues. You love somebody for being human. And human beings do damn' stupid things sometimes.

Yeah. Feel a bit of a twit now. I don't think I'll be able to reconcile all the bits of him that don't yet fit together until enough time passes.

He's not coming back, is he?

No, he's not.

But more importantly, do you really want him to in your heart of hearts?

It's easy to want the "old", "easy" life back - but too much has changed.

My head says no. My heart is a different matter.

Is that not habit that is talking, not really your heart?

Do you really still love the man he is today - not the man you fell in love with all those years ago?

It's OK still to love that long gone man, but that is the point: he doesn't exist any more.

He is a different person. You are a different person.

Be strong.

When I wrote earlier, I was thinking that you will have had happy times together, you have a beautiful DD, and there is nothing wrong with celebrating those moments. I can't imagine how you would stop loving someone and feeling the hurt of knowing that there won't be any more with him.

I agree that you need to be strong here, but also don't be hard on yourself. I expect that the thoughts that are going through your mind are all part of the healing process and you are trying to find the balance between good times and bad times. No wonder you are struggling with that at the moment. You can't shut the door on 20 years overnight.

Pretty is right, the man thats there now has morphed into a new phase of his life. It might not be what he had expected when he gave vent to his midlife crisis, but he's on that path and is probably making a lot of it up as he goes along. I almost think that he doesn't even know who he is at the moment and part of you probably wants to see him and make sure he is OK.

I know you won't do that, but there is nothing wrong with you having those feelings. Thank goodness you do, it means that you are human and that you will come out of this intact because you have dealt with all this as it happens. Getting through these darker days will make you stronger. Its just crap to have to live through it.

oh for a little switch that you can use to turn off unwanted emotions...unfortunately, it takes a while for our emotions to catch up with our heads.

I did hear Prince William say something very sensible (!) once: 'grief is the price we pay for love', which I thought was very true and not just when we lose someone to death.

So my true feelings are out there. I still love him despite everything. I can't fast forward to where he's at and if I could I don't think it would feel any better or happier, because I don't think he's happy now.

I do want to see him, make sure he's ok, not because I feel sorry for him but because I know that this is a crisis for him too, in his way. He's not setting up home with anyone, not living the life of riley, doesn't want to hurt the people he loves, not even me although he knows he has.

he was a good, kind man who would have done anything for me once. He still is as well as all the other stuff, but he's lost and I think you're right, he doesn't know who he is now. These are the reasons I still love him.

I've never felt so utterly heartbroken, wretched and helpless.

oh Wisey, I do feel your pain . You'd be less of a person if you felt any differently. Why else would you have married him in the first place?

Sad times.....It takes more than a few weeks for love to even start ebbing away, after all that time together.

Of course he won't be happy, and that is sad, but it isn't your job to make him feel OK, it's to make yourself feel OK (or as OK as possible in shitty circumstances).

He knows these things of me too. He knows that my silence is about hurting, he knows that the sol and the money and the court is not about me being a hateful and vengeful person.

he knows why I'm doing these things, and his silence is as much about letting it happen without retaliating, as wanting to exert some control. He loved me because he knew me to be a warm and generous woman despite all my hang-ups and difficult ways.

That's why we married each other.