Divorce papers served - have I done the right thing?

[Wisedupwoman]

Had to name change again to be on safe side.
Been posting on other thread - hope followers recognise this.

H gone five weeks ago after second affair in 4 years was discovered by me but not before he gave many, many clues and slip-shod attempts to keep it 'secret' from me. H wanted out and would have known my reaction to finding out hence i think he took this way to force my hand. Heartbroken as long, long relationship with both adult and teenage DC's involved.

Today the divorce papers went to court to be served. The therapist I'm seeing commented that this has been quite quick. This has set up train of thought which goes 'was this my fault, am I assuming too much here about what H really wants, is he such a monster........'

Need ongoing support about this please......

Evening.

Just got home from seeing colleague who would love to find out for me where STBXH is going to be so that he can be publicly humiliated served papers at work.

I'm going to try very hard to avoid the mediation route, but I think my sol is telling me that if we're going to achieve it I have to be seen to have grounds for the court to accept mediation isn't appropriate i.e. he isn't giving me enough information about his whereabouts etc.

it's all about who takes control of what and I know that his avoidance is about control and knowing my vulnerabilities to his manipulation - just got to persuade the sol to persuade the court now.

But things with DD are lovely today, and we've ended the day on a good note.

Shoes all sold out at M&S! Had rather frustrating returns experience in the shop today - feel I could probably do a better job myself. So have to buy others of equal statement.

Sorry to have missed you today, speak tomorrow though.

Wisey
xxx

Morning Girls

I like your colleague

I'm glad you had a good end to the day with DD - it's much nicer not going to bed angry/annoyed/upset.

Bugger about the shoes!! Couldn't they get some sent from another store? Can you order them online (again?!).

Hope you have a good day :) The birds decided 4:20 was morning here little sods darlings. I dozed for another hour after that, willing them to bugger off have a wee nap, but not joy. So I gave up and went for a walk, now I'm stopping in here for a quick catch up then it's a full day of DIY'ing (that's decorating - not the fun stuff ).

x

Shoes, oh shoes! No they were Autograph ones and they wont be repeated (harrumph). But found other possible's so will shop today as I have an annual leave day today.

whizzed off another email to sol just now about all the things I didn't include in my outgoings so he can see just how tight things are. Also told him that as STBXH had access to my bank account he has been paying what he does in the full knowledge that i would need to keep going to him for more money, thus giving him the justification for reserving the 'right' to decide that the house is too expensive to keep on - controlling from afar. but determined to fight.

Morning by the way!

I don't understand the whole 'he gets a say in how much you need'?

Have you included all of DD's expenses that you would be footing as she's living with you? (clothes/makeup/travel to football stuff/prom dresses/going out money/phone/other teenage 'stuff').

Yes I have now plus school trips and accessories for her 6th form studies, her birthdays, christmas, clothing, petrol for running her around etc etc.

plus I included my professional mandates to fund my own development regularly, having to pay off my lease car and buy another just to get to work with tax, insurance upkeep etc and repairs/replacements for anything that goes wrong in the home etc.

the 'he gets a say' was his calculation i think, based on what he knew about my income and expenditure (see, i'm learning the lingo) and his intention to pay me only for DD's basics so that he could be the bountiful D when I couldn't do anything nice for her - thus making him appear a more attractive parent to live with - very manipulative and controlling of her and me, as it may have been that he wanted to also keep the option open for me to beg him to come back - even though he would say no. Bastard of the highest order.

Colleague told me last night that he is not a liked person by other's at work, precisely because he is seen as having feathered his own nest for years and years but at the same time being unaccountable for his movements and so on. But his new boss has apparently cottoned on to this and has begun to investigate he's a man, and not as easily swayed by STBXH's charm offensive. Good fucking job.

What's the DIY job of the day Chips?

he wanted to also keep the option open for me to beg him to come back - even though he would say no

or even that he could come back if his new life wasn't as great as he'd thought it would be.

I'm glad you thought of so many of the things that need to be included :)

He is a bastard of the first order isn't he... it's a wonder someone as lovely as you stayed with him for so long, he was unaccountably lucky... until now!

Interesting what your colleague has said - sometimes you just want to say 'I wish you'd told me this long before now!'

DIY job of the day - well. I have procrastinated this long been very busy but I think today it has to be the bloody sanding. I don't want to put on goggles & a mask and sand, it's horrid & claustraphobic! [pout]

beg him to come home - HA. So not happening. Git.

here

are my lovely new shoes which i feel rather amorous about. Have just tried on whole outfit - Chips are you sure I should resist mediation - i'm going to knock his eyes out!!!!!!!! ( at self congratulation).

Now I feel rather guilty because you are going at it with power tools and all i'm focussed on is breaking the only tool in my life.

There's no link in your link my lovely.

There will be another time to show him your amazing outfit - trust me!! There's nothing wrong with knowing you would knock him out and you'd be most unusual if you didn't want to

Breaking your tool is hard work too - you are doing well.

Well. I have sanded half of one wall. The plaster is sanding nicely :) It is, however, showing up all the little bits that still need filling (arghghghghgh) but the worst of it is, it isn't sanding away the paint I hoped it would. At some stage someone has painted one and a half walls - the paint is flaking and patchey - I hope the heavy grain sandpaper would take it off, but it's not it's just smoothing the edges :( So once again, I'm sitting here undecided how to tackle it. One wall I could use a blade and scrape it off - it would take quite some time but it's do-able. The other wall it's the entire wall. I think it's another trip to Homebase to see what they have that I can't cover it over with

Time for a very late lunch and some coffee. I'm supposed to be going to the gym tonight but I could do without it.

OH FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why, oh why, oh why can't I get the link to link? I did exactly the right things and it copies but won't paste!

Anyway, high heeled black leather pointy toe for sticking into groin shaping foot nicely, in black. Very elegant, the salesman said. Thank you I said, now get your kit off I'll take them, I said.

Homebase for the solution Chips? You'd be better off going to a cake shop, buying a nice cream doughnut to have with your coffee.

Wisey - it's either that or start taking hard drugs so that I can't see how bad the walls are I'm starting to get annoyed that it's one step forward 3 steps back!

Shoes sound fab? No idea why it's not pasting have you tried a right click instead?

Sorry - that was 'Shoes sound FAB!!' (not fab?)

Right, left, right then left again, single, double. Feel like i'm on parade. But no matter you have a proven imaginative mind Chips (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it).

LOL

Yes they are simply amazing...

Right - off to attack another wall :)

Been catching up with your thread and can see that you are still riding a rollercoster with your Ex but I'm pleased to see that your shoe decisions are still taking priority. Or course!! Shoes as therapy works for me too.

The advice about having a comprehensive list of financial requirements is spot on. Have your ideal list and work backwards from there, not the other way round. No matter what he promises now, especially to your DD, the likliehood is that when the time comes, he could change everything and therefore deliver nothing. I think you have to protect your DD from that in as much as you can.

This is a man who has yet the tell his parents (I think) and has a sea of debt which, to state the obvious, does not go away all of a sudden. Make sure that your future is stable in terms of where you will live and your professional life. Then you can provide whatever your DD needs, irrespective of what he delivers.

Remeber that he is working blind as well, so he doesn't really know what angle your will be coming from, so use your knowledge of what has happened already and apply that to your decisions now. He may think that he has control via finances and feel that he can create a dramatic moment when you ask him to come back... what an idiot he is.

Some interesting comments from his colleagues - sounds as though he has wound quite a lot of people up. You might be celebrating a lucky escape as more of this stuff comes out.

No shame in scruffy trainers, I have some myself

You must be psychic Alldownhill I just had a moment when I began to think oo-er, what if my actions now mean he withdraws all the offers to pay the mortgage (on whatever property) for the rest of its life (i.e. until he retires) in a massive angry change of heart - when he realises just what my angle is (shudders to think).

See, the thing is, up until now, he's had a guilty conscience of some kind, which is behind the proposals he made.

He might decide to fight fire with fire, not in court but by only doing the bare minimum.

I'll tell you what I did with mediation (four or five years ago now, so before the govt decided to push mediation for all it isn't worth). Sol advised it was strongly recommended by the Court, so I agreed to do an introductory session. The mediator was lovely. She talked to me and XH separately to get background on where we were both coming from, then together to see, I suppose, how we interacted. She did not breach any confidentiality and she controlled the three-way conversation adeptly. At the end XH said to me, "I never knew you felt that way". I said "Well you would have if you'd listened to me, I didn't say anything today that I haven't said to you a few dozen times!" The mediator said were we going to continue going; I said we would have to discuss it.

On the way home he said it was so useful he'd like to keep going, but I said I didn't see much point as I was perfectly capable of discussing things rationally and was fecked if I'd pay £200 for a referee to make him listen. He was eligible for free sessions, I wasn't. (I was earning, not a lot, but more than him; although I was also paying everything for both of us and four DCs, except, for a few months, a share of the groceries.) I said tell you what, I don't see what benefit I'll get out of this but I'll agree to carry on if you reimburse me half the cost. He hemmed and hawed and mumbled. I said I am not paying large amounts of money for something YOU want unless you put in too. He said he couldn't afford it, I said in that case it's a no-go. A few days later I got a letter from the mediation service confirming that our next appointment was booked for x date. I rang them up and said sorry for any misunderstanding, but I am not willing to attend, so they cancelled it and that was the end of that.

I am fairly convinced that not only was XH trying to show he was the good guy vs the unreasonable cow, but that he had thought of another cunning plan to drain my resources so I would have to give up this expensive divorce nonsense and get back into my box. Paranoid? Maybe.

Bugger I can never put everything into one post.

His Dad is the only one who doesn't know and that's because he would be so upset and probably angry with STBXH whatever he's told. So they're all lying by omission to him.

None of this makes me want him back, but the rollercoaster's still going.

Erm, I think I had a point with all that, which was that you could agree to go to a taster session, thus showing willing, but conclude that it wouldn't help. Which it probably wouldn't, to be frank.

Annie how did the mediator control the conversation? What did she do?

Its obviously very hurtful to think that he could withdraw enough support to leave you reeling but I think you need to keep all options open at the moment then at least you will have a (sort of) strategy for dealing with whatever degree of maintenance he ends up paying.

You have enough clues to know that it won't be straightforward, he's playing hard ball and my guess is that he has neutralised any guilt in his own mind and is working towards becoming a victim. The situation with his Dad is a disgrace. Or is he waiting until he thinks he has got you in a position where he can point and say... well you can understand why I had to leave her....

It might not feel as though you are progressing, but you are. I think you said that its only 8 weeks since your discovery so that in itself is worth remembering. Your decision to move on has been made, its the mountain of crap that comes with that decision that is the burden.

Perhaps you should chart your recovery in shoes. What will you be buying in a few weeks from now?

We had to take turns. If either of us tried to break in at something the other had said (usually me to correct some awful lie!) we simply weren't allowed. She was quiet but authoritative. My suspicion (well I told you I was paranoid) was that she was their very best mediator who they wheeled out for introductory sessions so everybody thought it would be fantastic, but most of us would be stuck with the trainees and old-fashioned ineffectual types once we'd paid up front for a course of sessions! They did say we wouldn't be with the same person, a pity in a way because XH liked her and actually listened to her.

We'd also had couples counselling the previous year, six sessions courtesy of my then employer. That one, who I'm sure was quite good in most situations, ended up shouting at us "Stop it! You're like a pair of five-year-olds!" XH didn't like that one because she was fat, and because when he told her her job was to help couples stay together, she told him it wasn't.