Divorce papers served - have I done the right thing?

[Wisedupwoman]

Had to name change again to be on safe side.
Been posting on other thread - hope followers recognise this.

H gone five weeks ago after second affair in 4 years was discovered by me but not before he gave many, many clues and slip-shod attempts to keep it 'secret' from me. H wanted out and would have known my reaction to finding out hence i think he took this way to force my hand. Heartbroken as long, long relationship with both adult and teenage DC's involved.

Today the divorce papers went to court to be served. The therapist I'm seeing commented that this has been quite quick. This has set up train of thought which goes 'was this my fault, am I assuming too much here about what H really wants, is he such a monster........'

Need ongoing support about this please......

Saffysmum found my chin, but where's the gin?

I have several chins

possibly due to the number of bbq's I have partaken in already, and it is only May

Hmm, DD has just mentioned her D still doesn't have somewhere of his own to call home. Awwww. Bless.

Maybe I better give the disposable bbq to him in case he needs it.

And so to bed.

'Night all.
x

night, WUW x

Wisey - only if he promises to lite it then sit on it!!

... and yes, I have a couple of spare chins if anyone needs one.... free to any home!

You only need to get him a lickle ickle bbq, just big enough to stick his chipolata on! Night night X

oooOOOoooh

he he

Morning.

Had conversation with DD last night which went something like this all in the space of about 5 minutes:

What can I (subtext you) do for my 16th birthday (friends won't come if you don't let them drink even though they're under age); I want to go on holiday, skiing or to America, D says he wants to take me on holiday; I've found a summer soccer school with Man U which costs £600; nobody supports what I want to do, you said you'd take me to play football with a london club and you're letting me down again (in response to me saying we can try our best to do this but her studies and my responsibilities plus what her D and me can realistically do to facilitate this have to be considered along with that).

Is this a bit of emotional blackmail, the delayed response of a teenager to her parents separation, the result of crap thinking on my part (for suggesting she might play weekend football with a top team without knowing what will be expected - training twice a week in london plus sunday matches), a sign that she's going off the rails?

I feel monumentally silly and guilty for opening my gob when under stress, and not a little fed up with the pressure to make everything happen now for her even though I know I can't and in some ways, don't think I have to. a large part of me feels like I'm being played here, and I've given the ammunition for that to happen, so it's my own fault - more of the acting too soon/too late thing.

I should know all this stuff FFS - 3 children and a career in helping families in trouble......plus now a career in getting it wrong over and over again!

No, not a chipolata, more like a cocktail sausage.

Wisey not to put too fine a point on it - she's being a typical self centered teenager who is taking advantage of your situation.

Put your foot down hard - now, before she gets used to having control!

When she says things that are laughable (go on holiday/skiing/america) just laugh and ask her who she thinks she is (unless I'm wrong and these are things that before her Dad left would have been normal for her birthday??). Tell her she can do what other 16 year olds do - have a few mates around (tough about the alcohol), go out with a friend or two to do something etc.

D wants to take me on holiday - that's nice, I want to take you on holiday but unless we win the Euro it's not happening. He isn't even paying the bills at the moment so I'm not entirely sure how he thinks he can afford to go on holiday.

I've found a summer school with Man U - Do you really want to train with those gimps that's great love, what are you going to do to raise the money to go? Babysitting pays pretty well.

you said you'd take me to play football with a london club and you're letting me down again (in response to me saying we can try our best to do this but her studies and my responsibilities plus what her D and me can realistically do to facilitate this have to be considered along with that) If you continue to speak to me like that I am not even going to bother looking into it for you. I told you there are things to consider and we need to find a club willing to take you on first.

Don't feel silly or guilty for saying stuff when you were stressed (and she was putting you under more pressure), just try not to fall into her traps again! Yes you need to think before you speak - but christ, you aren't alone in that and all you were trying to do was make the pill of not going to the Academy sweeter and she shouldn't have needed that and WSTBXH should have been supporting your decision not stirring the fucking pot!!

Bottom line is she's 16, she's playing you like a fiddle - they all do, but you have to stop walking into her traps and it wont kill her to be told she bloody well needs to grow up, stop being so self centered and think about you for 5 minutes.

It's easier when it's not you on the roller coaster ((HUG))

Chips you have the knack. The knack of putting things in perspective, of saying it like it is, of doing it in a way that feels like an adult-to-adult conversation of, well, just about bloody everything!!!!!!!!

No, we'd never do anything so outrageous for her birthday. the most we did was pay for school trips skiing.

Yes, I did remind her that the other day the most important thing in her life was getting a p/t job and how the heck is she going to work, study, travel to play football, have a social life if she also gets a job (which she can't til she's 16, she's tried).

Apparently, all jobs are friday and saturday evenings, not also weekends during the day. Did you know that? I didn't. I thought jobs were there to suit employers, not the employees. With that in mind, i think i'll tell my manager that I only want to come in to work when all my other commitments and interests have been fulfilled!

Thats a lot to deal with all in one go. No wonder you are reeling. Sounds as though she's getting some of this stuff out of her system and testing you. She knows which buttons to press.

I can't stop at the moment, but I can say that we rarely did 'what everyone else's parents are doing/allowing their DCs to do'. We dealt with the alcohol thing at a party we held after the GCSE's. We would not supply any alcohol as they were under age. If other parents wanted their DCs to have some, then that was up to them, but no children would be drunk because of us.

We also insisted on a P/T job, which has helped him buy his own car and keep his head above water financially when at Uni. He worked evening shifts and weekends at a supermarket after sixth form college. He's also able to transfer when he is away at Uni. Its been the making of him - even although he hates it.

Alldownhill - I had thought (and said) the same thing about the alcohol - that I won't provide or allow it at her birthday but if other parents are ok with it beforehand they will be taking responsibility should anything untoward happen as a result. Teenagers are a pain, of course, I was a saint myself at that age .

I've always had a strong work ethic. I got my first job at 13, it really stood me in good stead throughout my life and I think it's helped shape my overall philosophy of life - that something will turn up. I'm keen for DD to get a job and her own money - she'll learn important life lessons.

I was going to post, and then I saw chip's reply

so I made a cup of tea instead and am not going to bother to repeat what she said

Ye, she's being a madam and i've just about had enough of it no, I have had enough. I love her to bits, goes without saying, yet I know I will be asked to jump through hoops to compensate, and I won't do that.

Whatever part I played in the failure of the marriage i take responsbility for, yes. What that will mean for our future I also accept will mean unpleasant changes that no-one forsaw or wanted.

But I bloody well put my foot down at being punished for it.

Chips is spot on!

All 16yos try it on re alcohol, in fact I remember trying the same thing at 14!

Agree re pt work being good for kids, I worked from 14 and learned a lot, but it might be hard to combine with the football? I had a cysin who did loads of sports and she genuinely couldn't fit a job in. Is the football something that could lead somewhere?

She should be looking at the options (and costs, practicalities etc) herself if she wants to do it, not expecting you to do it all.

Re America, tell her to do bunac or camp america or something when she's 18+ (and pay for it herself)!

Hi Dozer
Yes will be asking her how she will fit it all in.

Have had email from sol. Had to tell him how my current financial position compares with how it was and whether I have enough to live on now.
Also can only go straight to court is I can say i really don't know where he is.
I've said I can only say from what DD said yesterday that he may either be still dossing at a colleagues house (address unknown) or maybe where he said he was for the papers to be served. That's the truth. But it may be that I have to ask him myself where he is and and .

Have not acted on impulse though and texted him. Will wait and see what sol says I am expected to do (suspect though that I will be required to ask him myself to show willing).

Sol will send my figures to STBXH to ask for more support if he thinks i should be getting more. If not, well, i guess I may have to bite the bullet and mediate with sols support and advice (big, big, groan)

If STBXH doesn't respond or refuses to pay more then i can go to court. forgot to say that.

Have just come up with this genius plan where, if you feel stressiness coming on when having future teen discussion with DD, you could have an earcom link with Chipping who can tell you what to say in response to DD's teenageriness.

I think Chipping's post is brilliant!

So do I!

Hi all - I'm very

Wisey - I can't see why they would make you get in touch with him. Just keep reiterating to your Sol that you have struggled to get him to stop manipulating you and the only way to maintain that is keep it all official - that you really, really do NOT want to get in touch with him.

They have his parents details (or you can give them to them if they don't), they have his work details, they know where you think he is staying... fuck me, an 8 year old could find him!

Mediation - what are they on, he wont even return the papers - just go straight to court - don't put yourself through the heartache of having to deal with him face to face.

Have to just say that Chip rocks! Her advice is spot on. I was about to respond in much the same manner, but like AF saw her reponse and stuck the kettle on.

Cocktail sausage indeed.....tee hee.