Divorce papers served - have I done the right thing?

[Wisedupwoman]

Had to name change again to be on safe side.
Been posting on other thread - hope followers recognise this.

H gone five weeks ago after second affair in 4 years was discovered by me but not before he gave many, many clues and slip-shod attempts to keep it 'secret' from me. H wanted out and would have known my reaction to finding out hence i think he took this way to force my hand. Heartbroken as long, long relationship with both adult and teenage DC's involved.

Today the divorce papers went to court to be served. The therapist I'm seeing commented that this has been quite quick. This has set up train of thought which goes 'was this my fault, am I assuming too much here about what H really wants, is he such a monster........'

Need ongoing support about this please......

Don't call his parents. You are the one who said it will all go through the solicitors - keep it that way... until you hit a brick wall, then you can call his parents. Not because I don't think they should know, but simply because you shouldn't invite him or them into any form of discussion.

How did you find out it hasn't been paid?

Call the electricity company on Monday and talk to them - tell them you are withdrawing your DD until he has paid the outstanding money as you are only prepared to take on current payments. Call the bank, tell them not to accept the DD from the electricity company.

Email your Sol - get a letter sent to him re his default on the payment.

I don't know why you can't get it to do it - you did it before? Just double click on the shoes you like so that they 'open up' to their 'own page' then copy the link... (does that make sense?).

Have you been to get the right size yet?

oK will hang fire.
i found out because we have an online fuel supplier and i looked and it says it hasn't been paid, should have gone out yesterday. still in his name and everything. looked on my bank account and i don't have a DD set up for the fuel supplier (yet).

will call the bank when i've posted. then i'll email sol (again).

haven't been to shop yet, may tomorrow or monday.... love them so much....

Well, I'd probably have given it until Monday to see if it went out or not before email the solicitor ... but if it does go out you can always email him again :) Fingers crossed it's just a glitch. Should it be going out of the same account it has been going out of for a while or will W have had to have set up a new DD?

I bet they will look fab on - what colours are you skirt/top?

Hi

I think you're right about the Mediation Wisey, I really do. I feel just the same - what's the point in all the stress, and the thought of confrontation? Remember that you are in control of you now, and nobody else. So listen to your instincts and do what you want.

We have got a Prom Dress! YESSSS!! It's gorgeous, within budget and daughter is over the moon.

Ex arrived and took youngest son out - I ignored him when he knocked on the door for him (I so love locking the door from the inside and leaving the key in so he can't use his key!) Then he returned him - just dropped him off - a few minutes ago. Lovely - I hate the pick-ups/drop-offs - I'm on pins till it's all over, then I can relax again.

Got Tesco delivering soon - that's the highlight of my day. But am quite happy just doing nothing, feel really tired physically and mentally. Shall blitz the house tomorrow and tackle the mountain of ironing. If I'm feeling really reckless I might even hoover.

Another one here in support of not going to mediation. I don't think it works when one of the parties is holding onto massive secrets and/or is in the habit of telling lies.

I really support the routes you're both taking WUW and Saffy because what it represents is you both taking control away from these sorry excuses for men - and that can only be a Very Good Thing Indeed .

Too late, have already emailed but will keep an eye on the account just in case, although I don't think he's paid it. Poor sol but that's what they get paid mega bucks for. Having said that it says payment date 6 May then it says further down on or after 6th. Haven't got a clue what account he paid from, not the joint one anyway. God, one day i'll stop acting too soon or too late!

The whole ensemble (even in tight shoes cos havne't taken them back yet) looks fab. Skirt is black and shirt is sort of cream and goes perfectly. Drop dead lovely if I say so myself.

Saffysmum good for you. We'll get there I know we will. Wish I could say the same about prom dress though. Still looking.

WWIFN what it represents is you both taking control away from these sorry excuses for men - and that can only be a Very Good Thing Indeed

And so say all of us!

am going out for dinner again - clearly still must be looking a bit undernourished.

Chipping are you making hedghogs again tonight, or will it be a melon boat perhaps?

Wisey ((Hugs)) They don't always do the DD's on the 'on' date... which is why I said to call them first. Anyway, you'll soon have it all sorted and know what's going on with everything.

Outfit sounds lovely :) You sound enviably slim too.... you will get your chance to wear it and floor him!

No - no hedgehog tonight - I have a crisis... I have run out of cheese that never happens. Waitrose is just up the road but I can't be arsed.... not sure what's for dinner... def not melon!! Soup maybe? Is your friend a good cook?

Thank you Chips, .

You ran out of cheese? Good god, woman, what were you thinking? Personally I love anything with lots of bite, like stilton. Makes me parp though (TMI)!

My friend spent years living in Cadiz and is Burmese. She is an amazing cook, everything from scratch, effortless and so beautifully presented . Her DP would starve without her.

So I don't know what we're having, but whatever it is I'll report back after I've been wheeled back home in a trolley.

Used to be slim, then all the troubles made me eat and drink quite a bit, but amazing what divorce stress does to the figure. Wish i hadn't got rid of lots of clothes to charity shops now.

Just want to say how much I really enjoy talking with you. You sound like a wonderful person with a big heart and lots of it to go round so ((hugs)) back.

see you later.
x

Ooh I do have both mozarella & St Agur - just no hedgehog cheese :)

It's hard to believe I used to be vegan

Oh so dinner should be really good then!! YUM. I look forward to the report later/in the morning/mid day... when next you are sober enough to operate a key board!

Stress doesn't make me lose weight. My Mum & I can both be stressed and eat exactly the same thing/same portions etc - the weight falls of her and piles on me?? It's very odd. The only time I lose weight is when I fall for someone. I need to spend the next 20 years constantly having a new man in my life!

Capsule wardrobe is what you need :)

I enjoy our chats too :) x

I'm home again.

Lovely food - apsaragus with goats cheese, beef (sorry Chips) and then rhubarb crumble and loads of wine etc and conversation.

These are really close friends. People who have been with 'us', now me, every step of the way. the same stories now told with a slightly different emphasis because they are shrunk to fit.

Is it ok to feel like the only safe place is home? I began to cry on the way home. I'm crying now, I don't know why.

Morning :)

apsaragus - what's that then? Is it some kind of Andalusian special?

The spanish are obsessed with asparagus - I went on a training course once and of course they don't really 'get' vegetarians in Spain (well, not in places I lived/visited) and I ate so much asparagus I couldn't face it for a very, very long time afterwards, even now I'm a bit Meh... and Patatas Bravas.

Rhubarb crumble & wine - both good

((HUGS)) It's strange and lonely suddenly not being part of a couple and seeing your 'still happily married' friends brings home what you have lost. I found that too - I expect most people do - it changes pretty much all of your other relationships. After a while you don't see the same friend couples as much, especially not for 'proper' dinner because the other DH starts to feel like a spare part, you don't go on holiday with them as much for the same reason.... although you still all care about each other, you are all still close - you don't have the same things in common anymore or the same conversations... it's just not the same anymore :(

I hope you managed to get some sleep x

Hi

Perhaps it's the weekends that are hard because it was only 8 weeks ago today, at exactly this time, I was sitting in his car reading the texts on his mobile - feeling sick and dizzy and unable to breathe properly.

Is it ok to feel like the only safe place is home? I began to cry on the way home. I'm crying now, I don't know why.

yes! it is ok. And it is ok to feel that you have lost something that was important to you too. And it is also ok that weekends are associated with such a painful discovery.

knowledge is power too and knowing these things are difficult for you helps to deal with them. We are all with you!

Wow, has it only been 8 weeks? That is not long at all, natural to feel sad and find it weird with couply friends.crying is good, lets out the nasty chemicals.

You have come so far already.

8 weeks.

It's not long is it :( and yet so much has happened.

You are probably absolutely exhausted x

When 'big' things happen, it's normal to feel like home is the only safe place. Like it's the only place you want to be and not to want to go out... perfectly normal.

It's a shame you found out on a weekend, it should have been a Monday - a much better day, everyone hates it anyway

Soon enough the weekends wont remind you of that, especially once you are back at work full time and the only free time you have is the weekend - they'll soon become 'good' again.

Hi again

yes, really only 8 weeks but feels like so much longer. Thanks for your support this morning. the sad bits just come and there's nothing i can do about them , shouldn't even try to anyway.

have spent morning in animal husbandry. that done, now off for quick coffee round mate's before doing the sunday football run with DD. Since i know jack shit about football i will be the parent who cheers the wrong team at the right time and the right team at the wrong time.

feeling somewhat jaded after lots of rich food and fine wine's last night we will eat simply today - something pastary (pastary? that's not a proper word is it but you know what i mean).

'see you later'

xxxx

No Wisey, just let them come x They will all need to come out at sometime, it's better to get as much out now as you can... ((hugs)) In some ways I regret 'moving on' as quickly as I did - it has stayed with me for a long time and seeps out from time to time when really, by now, it shouldn't.

I hope you manage to cheer at the right time this afternoon - just for god sake don't ask about the off side rule - DD may never talk to you again

I have just spent 45 minutes on the phone to a friend which was great - she always makes me feel more 'ready to get going' without even trying :) I'll keep her on

Pastry is always good :)

Right - off to make the most of my spurt of energy
x

Can I join the ChippingIn love in too please? I love reading your posts too Chipping, and agree with WUP, you sound a lovely woman, so warm, caring and also funny!

As you were!

WisedUpWoman, only 8 weeks?? Well, that is nothing! You need to cut yourself a bit of slack here, you have done amazingly well in such a short space of time. You are bound to have your bad days, of course you are. It's all a part of the process and you must allow yourself to 'feel' and to wallow. If you don't allow it, if you run away from it or find a diversion from it you are only delaying the inevitable, it will come back to bite you on the bum. So, embrace how you feel, whether it be good or bad, it is all serving a purpose. xx

And the scores-on-the-doors are....wait for it.....4-2 to us!!!!!!

And - result - DD is putting her application in to the local academy tomorrow.

So the day got better. except have faffed around for ages with printer to try and print off recent photo of STBXH for private dick to spot. computor says no, but found another which is older and will do the job.

sometimes I wonder if i'm doing too well, but then again, it has been 4 years getting to this point and Timeforme you and Chipping have been there and recognise this, thank goodness.

Time

Wisey - Great game :) DD's putting her application in is she :) LOL Kids.

LOL - even the printer doesn't want to see his mug!

Yes - the 'build up' does change how you feel/react. However, as I said, let the tears & sadness come. I didn't really. I got out there and started having fun... it was good, but it bit me on the bum later and still does from time to time!

Result! both for the game and academy! Great news

sometimes I wonder if i'm doing too well I'd say that's not actually possible...just don't ignore the lows and work out why they hit you when they do.
Enjoy the highs when they come too, they're just as real.

Chipping it's true, don't be !

Got to say I'm with you on the aspargus and patatas bravas. Also had same problem when i was veggie and went on hols in France. lived on frites and those pancakey things which name escapes me (bloody hell, so ignorant) . Ate shed loads of cheese and lovely tomatoes though .

No longer veggie since giving in to the smell of bacon (sorry) and the second coming of traditional food served in very over-the-top poncey way (sorry).

Lovely, lovely day here, there will be a magnificent sunset here this evening. Hope you're all enjoying it too.
xxx

Hi Wisey! I too feel that the only place I want to be is home. I am blessed that I have some fantastic friends, who have all rallied round - but even when I went out with them a couple of weeks ago (just before I kicked STBXH out) I yearned to be home. Now, my friends come to me. I just want to be here, so I just follow my instincts.

Pleased about the academy. And yes, the STBXH diet does wonders for the waistline - I too drank too much and ate too much before I showed him the door - I've lost over a stone in a month! Now a size 12 again, Rosemary Conley should sue!!

We haven't had great weather here - rain overnight, and muggy. But the sun is shining in my heart. You are doing brilliantly girl, just brilliantly, and getting so much support on here.
WWIFN: Thankyou - I can't be arsed with mediation - it would be like watering flowers when you know they've been dead for months....waste of time, money, and makeup!
X