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Original poster

Divorce papers served - have I done the right thing?

1000 replies

Wisedupwoman · 18/04/2011 17:46

Had to name change again to be on safe side.
Been posting on other thread - hope followers recognise this.

H gone five weeks ago after second affair in 4 years was discovered by me but not before he gave many, many clues and slip-shod attempts to keep it 'secret' from me. H wanted out and would have known my reaction to finding out hence i think he took this way to force my hand. Heartbroken as long, long relationship with both adult and teenage DC's involved.

Today the divorce papers went to court to be served. The therapist I'm seeing commented that this has been quite quick. This has set up train of thought which goes 'was this my fault, am I assuming too much here about what H really wants, is he such a monster........'

Need ongoing support about this please......

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 04/05/2011 15:49

No talk. All on paper. Nothing that can't be shown to a solicitor. It's the only way. He'll get round you otherwise, the slimy bugger.

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 04/05/2011 15:56

I just know one of you is going to ask the obvious question - why has it been left so late before telling the academy?

I didn't want to do it behind her back, as betrayal has been a constant theme. I needed time to allow her to think it through and talk it through with me, her DS's etc (and no doubt STBXH). Neither did I want to make her do it herself as this goes against my belief that she is just too young to make these decisions all by herself and i am her mum. Plus it would feel to me like i was forcing her to say something she doesn't want to say. So I planned to ask her how she felt about us both, or me letting them know Today when i knew they'd all be back at work.

the easy thing to have done in the first place would have been to not even tell her she'd been offered a place partcularly as she wasn't expecting to be. but like i said i have tried to be honest all along and look where it got me!
The positive thing is that she is being honest in return, i suppose. she could have chosen to tell her D and not me that they have emailed her (although she will have told him too, i expect).

i keep remembering what he said to me last year when i asked him what would happen if i wanted to end the marriage. he said that he would go nowhere, that i would have to go, that he would remain here with DD and in the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 04/05/2011 15:58

I will be picking her up soon. WTF am i going to say?

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 04/05/2011 17:16

Wised Just got in & caught up! I guess it's too late now for any input into what you should say to DD. I would have been very blunt about the facts

  1. You don't show anywhere near the commitment required for the academy
  2. You are barely holding your own where you are now - let alone at an academy where they will be fighting tooth and nail for places
  3. You have shown NO willing/ability to stay away from home anywhere, let alone live away from home
  4. Your father & I cannot afford it - depsite what he says, we cannot.

It's good you were honest about her being offered a place, these things always come out at sometime & that would have really put a strain on your relationship with her.

Keep remembering what he said, keep being angry about that & determined not to let it happen. Make sure you have told (and keep telling) your solicitor that that is his aim!!

xx

MigratingCoconuts · 04/05/2011 17:59

my bastard ex never aknowledged receiving papers. I Think it was just a head-in-the-sand thing. Part of what made him crap really.

Hope DD and you are ok.

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 04/05/2011 18:02

I have a glass of wine.

thank you for supporting me so quickly.

had to collect her and take her to training, whereupon she announced she is having dinner out with him tonight, that she forgot to tell me last week. for the first time i doubt her honesty.

i told her that i had emailed the academy. she said i shouldn't have told her that now because it makes her angry. i said there is never a good time or day to say it but it had to be said. but that i had another proposition.
that if the coach from the chelsea academy can and is wiling, to ask him to get her a trial with the Chelsea girls team or another top team in london and i will juggle my weekday work hours to get her to training and i will agree a rota with her D at weekends to get her to matches. i said that as i don't work weekends and he does i would fit in with him. i said that if she is that good now, the coach will do what he can and there shouldn't be a problem.

she said it's not good enough (or words to that effect). we spent the rest of the journey in silence. so it would seem that the goal posts (bad metaphor) move, depending on what i say. now its clearly about leaving home.

we must have done a magnificently bad job as a couple that she wants so badly to live away from both of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 04/05/2011 18:06

i'm wavering, i must admit. wavering on the side of saying well ok, if after the settlement has been agreed he can afford it on the money he has left to himself, then go, against my wishes and beliefs, but go.

if i do that however, he probably won't agree a settlement that doesn't suit that plan and i will be seen as the manipulative one won't i?.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 04/05/2011 18:09

But i'm freeing him from absolutley all obligations to me, Migrating - other than those that the sol and the court will agree to.

all he'll have to do is support me and DD for x time and then nothing! i don't want anything else!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 04/05/2011 18:18

Just one other thing.

Is divorce always like this? is mine a particularly bad one (excluding celebrity and other mega bucks ones of course)?

Seriously.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 04/05/2011 18:18

Wised you have not done such a bad job that she wants to leave home! Frankly, it sounds to me that she wants her own way, more than she actually wants to be a professional football player! She's just being a typical teenager!

"It's not good enough" (or words to that effect)... you should have said 'Fine, that's a shame you aren't interested as I thought it would be a good opportunity for you, but it certainly makes my life easier if you don't want to do it' and dropped it.

Do not waver

a) you/he can't afford it.
b) she wont cope living away
c) she honestly doesn't seem to be driven enough for you to make the sacrifices you would have to make, even if you could afford to do it
d) YOU know what's best for her - did you let her get her own way when she was a toddler chucking a tanty??

You could say that to her - but you know he wont/can't do that - so she'll only be disappointed again later on ... surely? At least he'd be the bad guy though!

ChippingIn · 04/05/2011 18:19

I think yours is middling tbh. Some go more smoothly, but others can be even nastier!

MigratingCoconuts · 04/05/2011 18:25

no! do not waver, this is a typical teenager blackmail thing. This is thhe right decision, as chippingin said.

There can be far worse divorces than this (not much help, I know!). But I think they are all shite because its so emotionally charged.

You are right that this is a logically good deal for him but since when has any of this been about logic. Mine went all weird on me, trying to ignore what was happening. Who knows what is going on in your ex's head....

It will be interesting to see what he tries to pull on DD tonight (or am I being cynical?)

SugarPasteFrog · 04/05/2011 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MigratingCoconuts · 04/05/2011 19:35
Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 04/05/2011 20:02

I think she'll say (again) you haven't talked to D about this.

what i can say in response is that all her D needs to do is talk to my sol and we will be communicating via the proper legal channels for two people who are going through the divorce process.

what doed that sound like?

because i know what will happen if i talk direct to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 04/05/2011 20:04
OP posts:
Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 04/05/2011 20:09

It occurs to me that of course in standing up to him, via DD, i am doing exactly what he wants.

he knows exactly how to do this.

by giving in i wouldn't be standing up to him. Caught in a very strategic game here.

OP posts:
Dozer · 04/05/2011 20:09

Do not waver!

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 04/05/2011 20:12

In my therapeutic training this is called being 'caught in a double bind' whereby you cannot do the right thing but you also cannot comment on, or escape the situation for fear of losing the most important thing in your life - a primary, fundamental and life-giving relationship.

DD in these terms is positioned as her father's partner, and me as the 'mad' and unreasonable third party. this situation does make people literally psychotic.

only a theory, but.....

OP posts:
Dozer · 04/05/2011 20:12

Don't worry about his motives or what he wants and wants you to do. It will drive you nuts. Just do what you feel is best for you and dd, as you have been. Your dd might not like your decisions but she obviously respects you and if she's sensible will come around. You are very strong and wise. Whereas he is a sad old mess.

Dozer · 04/05/2011 20:16

Anyway, surely if ex-h really wanted her to go to this place he could have progressed the issue via the solicitors? As a matter to be resolved between you urgently (due to the deadline set by the school).

He has not done so, therefore maybe he knows damn well it's not an option given the financial circumstances, and has just been game playing. Or am i getting cynical from too much time in this section of mn?!

Alldownhillnow · 04/05/2011 20:22

I've not really got anything to add to what everyone is saying but my instincts are to stand firm and reiterate your position. If you start to waver then it muddies the water even more. Your plan has been well thought through and if he is using your DD to get at you, you must not give him any amunition.

He would love it if he heard that you were doubting yourself and would easily turn that into a positive for him with your DD.

You do know best here and she is still quite young. Your STBXH is a moral desert and will not stop at manipulating her to get at you. If you stand firm, she will soon realise that you are the parent who is steadfast and always there for her. Remember that some of the worst moments as a parent are when your DCs really don't like you because they are not getting their own way. She needs you to be her mother, not the person her DF is trying to destroy.

ChippingIn · 04/05/2011 20:30

I would just listen to anything she has to say - whether it's from her or her father... be honest with her in your replies. Transperancy at all times :)

If she says you haven't talked to D about this, simply say 'I don't need to - nothing your father can say will alter the facts. I have told you why you can't go to the Academy'.

Is she home yet??

Original poster
Wisedupwoman · 04/05/2011 20:41

Hi again

thank you. i'm not going mad but it feels like it. Good to hear another not cynical at all view IMO about WSTBXH - that if that important he would have gone to his own sol by now. i hadn't thought of that. if anything he is avoiding legal advice.

"Your STBXH is a moral desert" - i am going to find a reason to quote that.

Chipping i can only guess what the W stands for - not a typing error i think. would it be wanker, perchance? Grin

DD still out but has tried to phone me earlier and i cant get through on her phone now. don't know what that means. am trying to remain calm though.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 04/05/2011 20:48

W is for wanker

Actually it was Wisey's... but if the name fits!! Grin

Of course he's avoiding legal advice - because he expects you to come running to him cap in hand, grovelling... fat fucking chance!

DD - wonder what she wanted? Maybe they were inviting you along for dessert Hmm

Actually, do you know if he has picked her up? Anyway, she's 16 not 6. Just keep trying in case she's run out of credit.

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