Divorce papers served - have I done the right thing?

[Wisedupwoman]

Had to name change again to be on safe side.
Been posting on other thread - hope followers recognise this.

H gone five weeks ago after second affair in 4 years was discovered by me but not before he gave many, many clues and slip-shod attempts to keep it 'secret' from me. H wanted out and would have known my reaction to finding out hence i think he took this way to force my hand. Heartbroken as long, long relationship with both adult and teenage DC's involved.

Today the divorce papers went to court to be served. The therapist I'm seeing commented that this has been quite quick. This has set up train of thought which goes 'was this my fault, am I assuming too much here about what H really wants, is he such a monster........'

Need ongoing support about this please......

Clearly - all this shows that what i want is for him to be my DH - still.

How I think it works is that when he had every reason to believe you needed him it didn't stop him strolling off. He knew you trusted him with the finances, but let you down regardless (bloody dirty trick that was). So telling him that you're having difficulty coping isn't actually going to make him start putting you first all of a sudden. It's just a great big ego boost. He was the big man in the family and him not being there has actually made a difference, what an important person he is, you need him! It was his ego that led him into temptation and caused all this. Heaven forbid you should boost it further.

You coping with everything also shows he's given up a capable home-maker, not escaped a leech. It shows him how damned stupid he's been. He may not go back on what he's done (and you may not let him come crawling back even if he wants to) but he can at least learn to regret it.

Anyway the important thing now is your feelings, not his, and you will feel better in the long term if you coped without his input. He caused the problem, you solved it. Who is the waste of space?

I am so sorry I wasn't around to chat to last night, it's miserable worrying on your own :(

Take a step back. Are you sure this shows you want him to be your DH still? After all he has done to you? After knowing he will be sitting there, rubbing his hands, taking pleasure in your distress? Bad mouthing you to your DD? Not paying the bills he said he would pay? Blaming you for her not being able to go to the academy? - I could go on - do I need to??

To me it just shows that after all of these years having someone take care of you/share your worries with it can be bloody scary doing it alone (and that's without worrying what a teenage DD is doing/thinking).

Re talking to him. You have been really open & honest on here with us, it's easy to do when you don't know people and you aren't sitting there face to face. Unless you have been as open & honest about every thing with your RL friends then they will have a different opinion. Also, many people are quite unaware of the best way to deal with things if they haven't already been through it - let alone had the exposure that many of us on here have, through others on here. So yes, if you haven't been through it or don't know a lot of women who have 'talk to him' would seem like a good option. However, when you have been through it and have seen a lot of others going through it 'talk to him' really doens't seem like a good idea. You have set some boundaries and you are sticking to them and it is much better for you.... look how upset you were when you did talk to him!! He will just turn it all on you, he will gloat at how you can't cope without him, he will twist your words and you will be left like a wrung out cloth :(

There is no way that that is your monthly useage. Check your bills again to make sure that each of the previous months 'units used' are continuous and when you last had an estimated reading (to see if it has been estimated the last couple of times and done badly). If this tallys up then you have a problem with either an appliance or your meter. They will come and check your meter but if it's Ok they will charge you for the test. So, you need to take a reading now (record it), take another one in an hour (record it). Then turn everything off at the wall, take another reading in an hour. Then turn on one appliance (fridge is a good option!) and take another reading. Do all of this today. Call the company tomorrow and with their help you will get it sorted out x

I have to go out now for a while, but I will be back later on xx

Stay strong Wisedupwoman, it may not feel like it but are you still doing an incredibly good job and you are coping magnificently. This is all a learning curve, you will begin to see your STBXH in a completely different light, sometimes you will not recognise the man you are dealing with. It does help if you can stop thinking of him as the same man you were married to then when things like this pop up you are less shocked and surprised.

It won't always be like this, things will settle down and peace will be resumed once all the 'sorting out' is over. Once you are through this minefield of a time you may look back and realise he has done you a favour and you don't want to be with him at all. Throughout all of this you are growing and changing as a person too, you are going to emerge a much stronger and wiser woman

Sugar, hi.

I will email sol today when i can think straight again.

Annie - i did spend a long time feeling like a leech and this was in part because of the way he needed it to be (by his own admission sort of).
i won't boost his ego any more.

i don't want him to crawl or otherwise come back - i don't love him really, how could i there's been so much damage done. but try as i might the connection is still strong.

i hate feeling so afraid. afraid of making any reasonable demands on DD in case she just decides to up sticks and go live with him. i'm like an emotional yo-yo.

thank you for staying with me about this.

Chipping missed you (but know you have a life!).

I will do as you suggest, did some calculations last night, something isn't right either with the meter or an appliance or the readings we both did since january.

i know, i know. RL friends know most of it but don't have experience themselves of this or don't have children, or just walked away, started all over again in their own right and didn't have the heart to make it difficult for their spouse .
i wont' demean myself i promise you.

Timeforme thank you. i will now make sure i have a comprehensive list of all the folk i need to speak to tomorrow, what i need to say and do with bills and so on. i've had enough of nasty surprises to last a lifetime and i've got to get my arse in gear now.

^reassurance of the sort he used to give.
Remorse.
The request to reconcile.
Proof that he has actually kept to his word about not leaving me in the shit. a change of heart about DD and some support on it.^

And you ain't going to get any of these things from him now (and even if you do, it won't be in any kind of way you are yearning for..far more realistically brutal)

Far better to set your sites on where you want to be in 6 months and work your way slowly, step by step towards it. Gritting your teeth all the way!!!

We've had surprise big bills before. If you can pay by direct debit you can pay a set amount each month - you should be able to get them to agree you'll pay it off that way, by increasing the set amount each month (if that's more affordable for you than a lump sum). Hopefully they'll find it was an error if it's a massive jump from previous readings - were they just estimations before?

How would your Ex-h pay for the academy now anyway? He hasn't got the money, has he?

I know she is young but I am hoping your DD wakes up and realises soon that you are in the most difficult position and trying to do your absolute best for her.

Migrating and Monkey

well i know it ain't gonna happen. just old habits.......i've got over myself again now. feels better to take some control over the madness even if it's not nice.

have been carrying out semi-scientific experiment a la Chipping^ since midday.
computer is last thing to go on after all other usual appliances. in another hour i'll do a last read.

no they weren't estimates since jan although febs must have been because it doesn't appear as customer read. still mystified but detailed the last 3 hours usage and hourly meter readings to send letter to utility. so all i can do is that and ask them to spread the cost if they insist it's right. but i don't think it can be. have done all the same things since last month and elec bill is £54!

Back again :) [shouldn't be - should be sanding! but I had to go out and I had a shower and feel lovely and clean... I don't want to be all dusty and groty again.... ]

How were the readings? Did you use '0' in your hour 'off' ? Did you use the right amount for your 'single applicance'? If I were you I'd call them tomorrow, I did when I thought I had a problem with my meter and they were great.

You could check your meter when you turn something on and see if it's 'spinning' at a reasonable rate or going mad!

There's no way you & DD could have used £600 this past month (it's definitely for a month? It's definitely not the outstanding bills added together?

DD - you can't stop being a good Mum because you are worried she will go and live with STBXH. You can't let her hold you over a barrel like that & she will end up off the rails if you do it too.... she may, at some stage, decide to go and live with him but she will soon be back & if not, there's nothing you can do to change it. Letting her walk all over you is no guarantee she wont go and live with him anyway, just that you'll be living with a right little madam until she does!

I wish I had more time to post WUW but just came on to implore you NOT to give that arsewipe the satisfaction of knowing your distress. I think there's probably been a billing error - it happened to us once or twice.

I replied to your PM the other day - just in case it has got lost in cyberspace!

Sorry wasn't around last night either - you're doing so well and I'm cheering from the sidelines!

Chipping and WWIFN.

Yes had an hour off then 1 appliance etc. Meter hardly moved even when i switched on everything as usual. have written letter to utility company detaling everything, asking for investigation, asking about possible missed payments etc. then i will ring them tomorrow to flag it beforehand. thanks for that really good suggestion, it met with some strange looks and moans about things being off, but it made me feel more in control again. (hugs to you Chipping for that).

i won't let DD hold me like that. i don't want her to end up feeling completely like she's in charge, and she does respond well to my being more assertive even though she doesn't like it. and i will at some stage if i get too much more of the 'i'll go live with D' say ok, that's fine. because there's nothing worse than being held to ransom and she doesn't like alot of his ways either - drinking, 'work' bad cooking etc. my guess is he doesn't really want her there full time anyway. it would cramp his freedoms too much.

WWIFN - thank you, i have got your message, i just haven't had a chance to respond - if it's ok with you that is. And I WON'T give in!

back to work tomorrow so no wine tonight . but it's not long til the weekend again, hurrah!!!

Warm, warm wishes and thanks to you for staying with this.
I'll go do some ironing Chipping if you have a or two for us.

Hi guys, I know someone has mentioned this before but my first thought was that he has done a few months 'estimate' accounts, giving them the wrong info and paying less than necessary. I think most companies only have to see the meter once a year so this could have been building up for quite some time without you knowing it. Men are such devious devils. He may have been planning on 'moving out' for months and you wouldnt realise it. Its not till they have gone and you have to start taking on everything that everything comes to light (so to have to say that but its true).

Like others have said, call them tomorrow and wait and see what they say.

Good Luck. And I'm having a few for you too.

Oh OK... I suppose I could have a or two for you!

I don't think either of them would enjoy living together without you there to smooth over the gaps! I really wouldn't worry about that as an option.

You working, me sanding - struggling to decide who has the shortest short straw!

oops, sorry the seems to be taking effect. the last bit should have read 'sorry to have to say that'

Hello all - .

DD has got the hair straighteners on. I am resisting the urge to see what's happening with the meter!

Feeling strong again. Have sanded microdermabrasioned my face. Thought about what to wear to work tomorrow so I don't begin the day by throwing loads of clothes around the bedroom.

Ironing is finished. Had piece of easter egg to celebrate .

It's so bloody windy here, really cold. Where has our lovely spring gone?

But in our house, all is calm.........

I couldn't do this without you all. xxx

oh, a , that's what I need!

runs walks over to fridge for glass of crispy white.

:) I'm glad you are feeling strong again now. You'll go up and down, but we'll ride the roller coaster with you!

The sun was shining hot here today, but the WIND, my god. It blew the neighbours little girls sand pit top (one of those oyster shell things) right along the street! I bet quite a few people got sunburnt :(

You could do it without us- but where would the fun be in that!! x

Morning all.

Before I hit STBXH the shower drink coffee get dressed get DD out of her pit put some slap on fill the car up feed animals -

I just want to wish you a GREAT DAY!
xxx

Sorry - had to do stuff then go out this morning so didn't come on here - it's fatal otherwise!! I was thinking of you at 6am though if that helps!

I hope your day is going OK....

Maybe we'll get a lunchtime update??

I hope you have wine in the fridge for tonight!!
x

Glad you're feeling stronger today WUM: please don't beat yourself up over daughter, I know it's easy to say, but I think you just need to be "normal mum" to her, because if you try to hard, then she'll see what you're doing...she loves you (how could she not, you sound so wonderful). Please don't contact him either - don't give him the satisfaction. And you say you'd like the chance to reconcile: really? really? do you really think that now all the trust and respect has gone, there is a basis for that?

Take care, hope things pick up and you sort out the leccy! X

Hello Chipping

First day back - good. Didn't see many people but those I did were lovely.

Have spoken to every utility and all is ok, so I have arranged all direct debits for me to take over - all by myself

electric is high because they made an adjustment for the last year - we had been underpaying and they only picked it up because i read the meter in March. but the good news is that it is still set up for him to pay and too late to recall the mandate.
i won't celebrate that one too soon, but i looks as if i am in the clear.

Also went to bank to put dispute on the joint account. the manager wrote a letter to him asking him to release me from the account because it is not used by me, not used for any household bills and he is running it at the overdraft. unfortunately the dispute doesn't stop him using it but it does stop all his personal DD's and SO's from being paid so hopefully she said it will give him the oomph to bloody well get my name off it. will also email sol to tell him so that if necessary he can use it in court.

there will be wine tonight. i am beginning to feel so much better for taking on the bills- it'll be tight but i'll be independent and in control of household expenditure. and i'll do a much better job of it than he ever did.

what have you been up to today?

Saffysmum

No to both of those ^. now i'm back to work i'll be as grumpy as ever in the mornings, she'll be expected to do her bit to help out, and i wouldn't really take him back now - not even if he crawled bare-arsed over hot coals (although the imagery creates a certain satisfaction). it was a weak moment and entirely about baggage.

How are you though?

xx to you both.

Wised - well done you :) First day back under your belt!

Small question - why did you arange for all the DD's to go in your name if they were still in his, going out of his account? I would have just left them and checked they'd been paid each month?!

Great news about the electric. Sorry for getting you to check your meter yesterday when you didn't need to - but we didn't know that and at least it gave you some sense of control! When should it be paid - I can only cross my fingers for so long!

Good news about the bank!!

Everything is falling into place! I bet you are so glad you didn't ring him!!

I am saving this i wouldn't really take him back now - not even if he crawled bare-arsed over hot coals (although the imagery creates a certain satisfaction). it was a weak moment and entirely about baggage just in case I need to drag it out again.

Me - today - feck all :( Need sleep & a kick up the arse bottom.

May need to open the wine now....
x