Divorce papers served - have I done the right thing?

[Wisedupwoman]

Had to name change again to be on safe side.
Been posting on other thread - hope followers recognise this.

H gone five weeks ago after second affair in 4 years was discovered by me but not before he gave many, many clues and slip-shod attempts to keep it 'secret' from me. H wanted out and would have known my reaction to finding out hence i think he took this way to force my hand. Heartbroken as long, long relationship with both adult and teenage DC's involved.

Today the divorce papers went to court to be served. The therapist I'm seeing commented that this has been quite quick. This has set up train of thought which goes 'was this my fault, am I assuming too much here about what H really wants, is he such a monster........'

Need ongoing support about this please......

Lovely sunshine and birds singing this morning (wish birds didn't start at 4am though).

done banking.
next - clean bunnies (not my bunnies, DD's, but what else are mums for?)

then shower, go to town to get blackberry and prom dress (shoes and all)

over to hosp to see mum.

buy some wine (should be top of list)

when i went to collect DD from friends house last night, friends D was outside in road on his mobile. it's unhappy marriage to say the least. said hi and all that and he went into detailed explanation of who he'd been on the phone to (speaking to DW cause she's taking long time to get ready to go out - from across the road?).

asked DD if her mates DM had been speaking on phone. No.

Oh dear.

Anyhoo, more coffee, then get arse into gear.

speak soon you lovely lot
x

Ok i hear the approbation - get DD to do the bunnies herself you're not a skivvy....!

she boaks every time she goes near poo. since i am experienced in all kinds of shit shovelling (on every level!) i do it. they're only raisins after all.

Hope you have a good day OP, I found out late last night that my little grandson has broken his arm (he did it good and proper) and he is in hospital and i am 400 miles away at a friends. Maybe just as well I may feel like a fifth wheel on a car if you know what i mean.

Why do the worries of being a mother never stop ?

Oh no Anothermum I hope he's ok. Do you know how he did it? Poor chap, it's awful when they hurt themselves, you just wish it could have been you instead. Bless him.

I remember when my eldest was young, we were forever in casualty because he loved climbing and exploring, but he wasn't very good at holding on!

Just back from another fruitless prom dress search. it might have to be an internet job. But DD has grin plastered all over her face because she got a blackberry and will doubtless spend the rest of the day wearing her thumbs down to the bone.

I have wisteria hysteria. am trying to persuade friend to come help me do something with it, unruly beast that it is. (looks gorgeous though).

speak later girls.
x

Hi OP. He fell of his swing in the garden when his dad had gone in to the house for a drink of water for his little sister.

Accidents happen, we all know that, its just so frustrating when there is nowt you can do.

You will have to enlighten me, what is 'wisteria hysteria' I cant even hazzard a guess.

AnotherMum - get you!! You're old enough to be his Granny (at a push) & here was me thinking I couldn't do it because I'm almost old enough to be his mother! LOL OK, clearly I need a re-think! I just look at boys/men/lads that age and think 'he's cute for a kid' - no temptation at all... but hey I'd need a look at this guy to comment properly. It's a shame it was just 'fine' and not mind blowing.... but there's always next time I'm impressed actually! You need a name change, yours is far too mumsy for the real you! (Wisteria is a plant).

Poor little DGS :( How old is he?

Wised The birds, the birds....(Alfred Hitchcock has a lot to answer for) yes, clearly it was a bit too nippy & windy here this morning as they all had a lay in!! Shame you didn't get DD's dress etc - it's frustrating when you can't find what you need. My god daughter went to a place where they make them, you try on a zillions styles choose the one you want, try another style in the colours you want - put the two together and it gets made in China & sent back! The girls in the shop can do any nips & tucks if they need them but out of the 6 girls that got them done there, not one did!

It made me laugh that you could already hear us telling you to get DD to clean out the bunnies (what are they, and how many have you has she got??

How's your Mum?

How's the wisteria?

and MOST importantly - did you get the wine??

I made a great start on the filling this morning (after doing the basic housework), then my friend rang to ask if I was busy - if not her & the kids were looking for something to do , so I said well I was busy but could maybe do lunch, she said she'd rather not go to a cafe for lunch (which she often does with the kids in the weekend) ... so I said fine, I'd make us all lunch no problem and she said they'd go after lunch so I could carry on :) All good, except what happened is the kids have trashed the house (just paper mess, but lots of tiny cut up bits & sellotape etc - no harm done, just a mess!), the kitchen looks like a bomb site (my own fault cos I made lunch) and they've only just left (at 5pm) . On top of that I have been BAD I'd finished with one 'lot' of filler and knew they'd arrive within the next little while so I went into the kitchen and didn't manage to resisit the bit of wallpaper that has been curling up and annoying the crap out of me for ages... I tried to resist, but it was futile.... I pulled. So of course when they arrived my friend joined in on the pulling and the kids too (I now have a lot of scraper gouges in the wall to fill ) and we made the hugest mess in the kitchen, I cleaned all that up to make lunch and now it's destroyed again with lunch stuff... and I'm knackered. I need to clean up before I can start again and I just can't face it

Hi chipping my little GS is 6.5 yrs. Spoke to him today and he sounds fine though he wants to tell you the whole story again. Think he wants his dad to feel rotten.

I dont normally go for 19 year olds but this one was out celebrating his 19th birthday (i was his present ) ...... joking. It just happened and it was 'safe'. Your right though, I am old enough to be his granny as my daughter is almost 40.

When is your daughter needing her dress for OP do you have much time left? I hope you find something suitable in time - mind you suitable for us and suitable for them is another story.

Good luck with the search.

Another Little Drama King I thought you were going to say about 2.5 when you said his Dad had just gone in the house for a drink for his little sister... you know, the age where Dad should be watching - not 6.5 LOL Was he standing on it or what? Breaking it from just sitting on swing would worry me & I'd want to get his bones checked out. At least he should be all better by the time the school holidays come around!

Blimey - I didn't mean it in a bad way, I just meant I dismiss the idea because they're young enough to be my sons, but here you are not caring! It's me that needs the attitude adjustment! Not to mention I can't think this old body would attract a 19 year old - so extra kudos to you

Right - done another lot of filler. Looked at the kitchen and walked out again Just having a drink (sadly only ice cold water) then will tackle either the dishes or another lot of filler .

evening ladies.

Wisteria still blowing about in a most ungainly way. there's nothing else for it but to get the steps out tomorrow and tie it up or something. green-fingered friend had mega hangover.

prom isn't til july DD tells me (finally) so lots of time.

i always seem to go for blokes who are younger than me - STBXH is younger by 6 years but (tee-hee) has looked much older than me for years now.

so i'm not averse to a younger type myself. got lots of events coming up over the summer so maybe bag myself a 'friend' for sparkling conversation and evenings at the theatre

mum doing ok, don't know what the score is yet though.

wine got.

tomorow is my last day before return to work - bit apprehensive but it'll be fine i think.

bunnies are a dwarf lop and dutch. he (lop) is ancient but carries on like a brave soldier, she is 4 and a sprightly thing, loves strokes.

also have two ragdoll cats, brother and sister who live indoors (too bewildered to manage outside). just babies really and they are adored. (and yes, i de-poo them too!)

it's damn windy here tonight.

have you cleared your kitchen up yet Chipping?

and how's your DGS Alldownhill?

Evening :)

Bugger
Good
Ha Ha Ha
Go for it!!
Let us know when you do!
Excellent
You will be fine :)
Very cute - love bunnies!!
& cats!
Here too!! Right gale blowing through! (hopefully drying all the plaster out!)

Yes - finally did the kitchen. Had another go at a bit of wallpaper :) I wanted to do the tiles (decided they're coming off too!) but as it was 9pm decided it wasn't a neighbour friendly thing to do Tomorrow we have the May Day Fayre on down the end of the road, I'd love to go and just hang out there all day (there's lots on and it's a nice place to just sit around and people watch, drink a little wine etc) but I feel I should crack on... we'll see.

I'm turning the laptop off now - was on here till stupid o'clock last night - not tonight!!!

See you tomorrow!

Oh Bugger, hoped you'd still be up.
fact is, have had to get out of bed because too stressed to sleep.

discovered i have a £600 electricity bill FOR THE LAST MONTHS SUPPLY and i can't understand why/pay it.
have used MASSIVE amount but don't know what on.

can't get hold of company til tues (online fuel) to ask what on earth i could've used when i've diligently been not using dishwasher, or tumble dryer, or anything like what we usually use and yet we've never had a bill like that. heating is gas, cooking is gas except for oven when i use it. tv, computer, kettle, things like that don't cost that do they? have compared and done sums of all bills this year so far and it just doesn;t make sense!
have underfloor heating in kitchen and shower room downstairs but he switched that off the day he left and he paid that months.
really really scared, panicked and worried.
clearly STBXH has also stopped paying before he said he would but that don't explain it.

this means i am going to have to phone him tomorrow and speak to him about it - but what do i say? it will show him how fucking useless and dependent i've been i can't even manage this.

help!

it isn't an estimated bill, i read the meter myself twice to make sure i got the numbers right. ffs i'm so crap this family's going to go under because of me.

have bumped in case anyone is able to help at this hour

Oh i'm just going to rant.

what am i so scared of. well i dont know if i'm more scared of the bill and whether they're all going to be as high as that, or whether it's the talking to him.
if it's the first well its a done deal. i can't afford to live here on my salary or on what he's paying - no way. but i can borrow the money to pay this off this time.

so speaking to him is very scary, after maintaining silence - he'll be laughing all the way, or worse telling himself how right he was to jump ship and pitying me. and planning how to haul DD out of here asap.
Me? i'm scared i'll lose the plot by getting very angry or that i'll get upset. just the thought of hearing his voice.......hurts and makes me murderous at the same time. i mean murderous.

Been lurking and really admire your progress. All I would say is do not phone him, it won't help your situation. I know it will be difficult to wait till Tuesday but better to speak to suppliers first before you take it any further. Wait till you've had the bill explained and then decide your plans. May just be a fuck up.

Hi,
if you've any sense you're probably in bed by now. but thank you for responding.

you're right i can't do anything til tues. having re-read his emails to me re finances and bills, he did say he would keep them going for a bit but it looks like he didn't pay even the month that he left - nothing. i believed he would pay the first month and then i would take them over. that's what i've been doing the last few days, i thought i had a bit of breathing space, but i am obviously in arrears with all of them already.
these can't be the actions of someone who despite not loving me "as much as i deserve" still feels "soft and tender" can they?

can my sol do anything about this at all?

I know it's easier said than done Wisedupwoman but try not to panic. What you are feeling right now is the same sense of panic I felt when I first became single, worrying about bills and how I would pay them, if I was capable of keeping a roof over mine and DD's head. I think it's all perfectly understandable to feel this way.

Now, if I were in your shoes I would not contact H, I would wait until Tuesday and then phone the supplier. If it so happens that you do owe this amount then I would explain a little of my circumstances and then ask if I could make an arrangement to pay off the arrears at an affordable monthly sum. I am sure they will agree to this. Maybe H has set you up for this fall and is expecting your call so try to get some pleasure from denying him the satisfaction

I'm not sure if your solicitor can do anything about it or not but I would certainly be letting them know what has happened. Surely your H has some obligation towards the running costs and upkeep of the house, he will have been living there when these bills were run up!

Hope you are feeling a little calmer and less worried now

what a nightmare!

I wouldn't contact him just yet. You need to seriously sit down, work out what bills you have and where you stand with each one. Find out exactly where you stand and then work out where you can make savings to live within your budget.

You need to do this anyway to get as independant of ex as possible and quickly...and it will sort out any more sudden surprises; you don't need those! You ex sounds like a financial nightmare that you need to get rid of.

Also, talk to your solicitor and somthing like the citizen's advice bureau perhaps?

hello.

thanks for your posts. they do help.
yesterday i sent chqs for this last months bills to two companies, set up a s.o. for the council tax to come out tomorrow and wrote a list of all the bills that he used to pay so i can ring them all tomorrow and get d.d.'s set up. they'll all be a month in arrears i guess. but i have funds to cover these, it's the huge fuel bill i still can't explain. except there is a month that it didn't get paid, and next months is very low by comparison. so i think its that he transferred bills immediately instead of keeping them active like he said and i hope they have made a mistake like adding a nought somewhere.

yesterday when i was flapping DD said she'd had a sad thought when i told her about the academy. it was that if she went to live with him she could still go there. so i have to act as if everything is under control or i'll lose her too - or maybe she'll go anyway like he did.

i should not have thought i had a bit of time before i started taking more responsibility. it's not that i spent the bill money, its there, but how stupid am i to think that he wouldn't just stop everything. i also rang our joint account holders and they have advised that i put a dispute on the account tomorrow. i didn't before because i thought he used it to pay our mortgage from it. he doesn't. he has never paid any household bills from it. i don't know how many times i've rung them about this account to try and get my name removed and told them the mortgage gets paid from it - they have never told me otherwise. so i have a big overdraft in my name when i have never actually used the account for anything.

i won't ring him. what's the point. i know what he'll say - it's tough, Wisedup but i did tell you and you can do it etc... etc. he'll be firm but kind, won't rise to anything and he'll try and get me talking about DD.

thinking of namechanging again. to something like 'wakeupandsmellthecoffee'.

no, no, you are still very much wisedup in my humble opinion! I wish I had MN when I was going through all the shite, it would have helped me massively!

I think it must be like trying to turn the Titanic when shifting from a good and loving position about someone to finally understanding what a total arsehole they actually are!!

Don't confuse what happened with your ex with your DD...they are not the same and you don't have to try to keep her. Of course she will miss her dad and that will cause conflict for her too.

All you can do is be honest and truthful and how she reacts is really up to her. It won't be a poor reflection on you at all.

Good to hear you have control of the bills! Sounds like it has built up, which is great cos i was wondering what you were up to on £600 a month! Heating the local swimming pool? Lighting for the illicit dope farm sep up in the shed?? Too much MN activity???

Migrating why is it wrong to show him how much i am floundering and the level of distress his going has caused? why do people say don't let him know what you're thinking and feeling?
it wouldn't make any difference if he did know but he would know just how much his actions have impacted on us all.

some RL friends have said i have to talk to him. even DS's have said this. i feel really conflicted.
but i won't act on it.

The bottom line is that you should only talk to him if you know what it is you need to achieve from it and why you want to talk with him.

If you want him to know what you are feeling and for him to understand the harsh reality of what he has done, you may be deeply disappointed and will have set yourself up for another round of inner rebuke and upset.

if you want him to come back to you, it won't happen on any sort of terms that will lead to long term happiness.

If you want to sort out financial stuff then you run the risk of the sort of emotional blackmail you faced before.

on the first thread, you were finding the contact emotionally difficult to deal with and cutting contact gave you valuable emotional stability. This is important for as long as you need it.

The reason I said not to contact him until you had checked your finances was so that you had time to work out eactly what you needed from a conversation with him and also to see if contact was actually needed.

I do believe that, in sorting out a relatively painless divorce and future understanding with DC/ex you will need a certain level of contact, but you need to work out what form that takes and what you are ready for.

Do listen to what your RL friends say, they know you better than us, but choose what you know is right for you.

Sorry, a bit of a self righteous ramble...

Thank you Migrating. You're a mind reader and your words have unlocked what i think i'd be looking for:

• reassurance of the sort he used to give.

Remorse.
The request to reconcile.
Proof that he has actually kept to his word about not leaving me in the shit. a change of heart about DD and some support on it.

Truth is i want all these things.

I still need no contact but now worry that legally i am digging myself a hole although sol knows we are not speaking. i worry that this is why ex is accepting this and is waiting for my downfall. i also worry that i am beginning to become paranoid.

And you are most definitely not self-riteous and you are not rambling.