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Original poster

DP doesn't believe in marriage

136 replies

EvilDrPorkChop · 17/04/2011 18:52

Bit of background. I have been a lurker for many years but have used to post more frequently about 6/7 years ago.

Have been with DP for almost 2 years. Planning to move in over next few months. I have one ds. He has three dds.

He was not married to the mother of his daughters, although she wanted to. He does not see the need for marriage. His parents were divorced, he is not sure if this is the reason. Even though I am divorced, I still value marriage and think it is important.

I love DP dearly but am starting to really resent his attitude to marriage. He is a very stubborn sort, I think he is unlikely to change his mind. Does anyone have any experience of this? Before I uproot my son and move in with him, I need to have this straight in my head. Do I stick to my guns and therefore forfeit what is otherwise a good relationship? Or do I grin and bear it... and if so, how do I silence the voice in my head that is screaming "IF HE REALLY LOVED YOU, HE WOULD MARRY YOU!" Hmm (always wanted to do one of those!)

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 17/04/2011 18:54

accept him for what he is.....

iskra · 17/04/2011 18:55

Does he not believe in marriage but does believe in long term committed relationships? Or does he not even believe in those?

iskra · 17/04/2011 18:56

PS I don't "believe" in marriage but I do believe in committed relationships. I think that's the key point.

Original poster
EvilDrPorkChop · 17/04/2011 18:57

Thanks tilly.

Iskra yes he says he wants us to be together always but he does not see the need to get married. His ex-p left him... and is now engaged!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 17/04/2011 18:58

DO NOT move in with him because it's obvious you feel differently and he is not going to change his mind.

You need to either get over the idea that you need to get married or move on.

When a person tells you who they are, believe them.

GypsyMoth · 17/04/2011 18:59

are you selling your house?

Original poster
EvilDrPorkChop · 17/04/2011 19:00

Thanks expat. That is what it boils down to, isn't it.

OP posts:
Original poster
EvilDrPorkChop · 17/04/2011 19:01

I rent tilly. He has his own place. It's only 10 miles (but 10 London miles!) but for various reasons he needs to stay where he is.

OP posts:
Xales · 17/04/2011 19:01

I think marriage is the least of the things you need to sort out. Only you can decide if it is a relationship breaker but yes I don't think you are going to change him on that one.

If you are moving in with him is it into 'his' house?

You need to make crystal clear what happens regarding rooms, house rules for your DS and his DDs when they are there (I assume they live with mum) appropriate punishments for misbehaviour and who can dish them out and to who.

Also you need to be sure that you don't become 'responsible' for all the dross that goes with his children, cooking, cleaning etc and just become a domestic slave.

You need to be legally sorted and have all the finances etc sorted before you move in as to what will happen if you separate or the worse happens and he dies as he has dependents etc.

Good luck (-:

MigratingCoconuts · 17/04/2011 19:02

I guess basically you have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you.

I also think you need to work out what it is that marriage would give you that you wouldn't already have.

And then I think you need to talk this through with DP. If you can't, then you shouldn't move DS in with the prospect of ending it anyway.

sorry Sad you probably know this deep down anyway...

Original poster
EvilDrPorkChop · 17/04/2011 19:03

Sound advice Xales. He has the girls almost 50% of the time.

OP posts:
zikes · 17/04/2011 19:04

You have to decide whether it's a deal-breaker for you.

Is he willing to arrange things formally so you're protected if you have children together and split up or he dies - or if you just split up/he dies, as you already have a child of your own? I know it's not very romantic Grin.

If not marrying's a deal-breaker for you, and marrying is a deal-breaker for him, then it's no point moving in.

Original poster
EvilDrPorkChop · 17/04/2011 19:05

I think it's commitment Coconuts. We won't have kids together we have 4 between us! There won't be that tie. Am just scared I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
EvilDrPorkChop · 17/04/2011 19:06

Thanks zikes. Got to have a long hard think - over a long hard drink!

OP posts:
piprabbit · 17/04/2011 19:06

Does he realise that not being married could leave you legally vulnerable should the relationship end?

Would he be prepared to put in place some sort of legal contract to clarify arrangements in the event of a split, or does that go against his beliefs too?

Original poster
EvilDrPorkChop · 17/04/2011 19:08

Pip, I think he would think by mentioning the legally vulnerble thing, he would get twitchy and think I was trying to get my ducks in a row should we split so I could get the house!

OP posts:
Original poster
EvilDrPorkChop · 17/04/2011 19:10

That didn't make sense, typing in a hurry as DS due back from his dad's any second. If I brought up the legally vulnerable thing, he might think GOLD-DIGGER.

OP posts:
MollieO · 17/04/2011 19:19

You need to think about what happens if it all goes wrong. Not discussing this before you move in together is foolish imo. It may also be that he doesn't believe in marriage because he hasn't yet met someone he wants to marry. I've known people in long term relationships where the man says the same thing. They sit up and a couple of years later the man is happily married and the woman is single having wasted her time with this man.

MollieO · 17/04/2011 19:19

Split not sit

Celibin · 17/04/2011 19:36

I just think it boils down to your character and what compromises you are willing to make All long term relationships are a compromise in some way At least he has been honest and so you know where you stand

moondog · 17/04/2011 19:39

Just move in, yes and leave yourself utterly vulnerable to his whims and fancies.
Madness not to formalise a relationship legally if you plan on it being forever, especially when/if it involves money and property.

Original poster
EvilDrPorkChop · 17/04/2011 19:40

Mollie, that is my fear. I too have known couples where the man has declared that marriage is not necessary, a piece of paper etc etc, then a few years later he meets someone else, bingo bango...

Celibin, yes he has been consistently honest. However then I think fgs, if it's not important to you, then where's the harm in doing it? I don't think I want to lose him, however I need to sort out my head!

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 17/04/2011 19:42

Have you talked to him about why you don't feel a commitment and how vulnerable you feel?

Agree with MollieO...you need to talk this one through and very seriously. A split could also leave you financially screwed....You are moving into his house, with no foothold in what is happening. Does he realise this could be a deal breaker for you? If so, is it that important to him?

As long as you both understand the way this is going to work, then you are fine.

I really hope you can sort this out as you have the chance to make a great family unit for yourself.

Original poster
EvilDrPorkChop · 17/04/2011 19:42

Wow, I am getting some heavyweights from the olden days here, expat and moondog! Thanks for your input. Is the fishy one going to swim past I wonder, or does she not inhabit these waters any more?!

OP posts:
moondog · 17/04/2011 19:43

Hehe, are you a name changer then Evil??

Don't.
Just don't.