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Original poster

DP doesn't believe in marriage

136 replies

EvilDrPorkChop · 17/04/2011 18:52

Bit of background. I have been a lurker for many years but have used to post more frequently about 6/7 years ago.

Have been with DP for almost 2 years. Planning to move in over next few months. I have one ds. He has three dds.

He was not married to the mother of his daughters, although she wanted to. He does not see the need for marriage. His parents were divorced, he is not sure if this is the reason. Even though I am divorced, I still value marriage and think it is important.

I love DP dearly but am starting to really resent his attitude to marriage. He is a very stubborn sort, I think he is unlikely to change his mind. Does anyone have any experience of this? Before I uproot my son and move in with him, I need to have this straight in my head. Do I stick to my guns and therefore forfeit what is otherwise a good relationship? Or do I grin and bear it... and if so, how do I silence the voice in my head that is screaming "IF HE REALLY LOVED YOU, HE WOULD MARRY YOU!" Hmm (always wanted to do one of those!)

OP posts:
Celibin · 17/04/2011 19:44

On legal side I would make a condition with him like he has with you: you get together if you make financial provision for each other should the worst happen - A living will?? If he does not consider this then is he really that serious ? Sorry to be so hard-nosed but it strikes me he is making a stand so why don'Tyou?

Original poster
EvilDrPorkChop · 17/04/2011 19:45

No no no although this isn't the name I used a long while back, I used to be Parsleypants but changed as ex-h knew I used to come on here. I was never that prolific though!

OP posts:
moondog · 17/04/2011 19:47

Good to see the oldies. Smile

I used to be the one who 'didn't believe' in marriage.
It took 10 years for my darling dh to make me see sense.
I shudder at my unwillingness to enter into a truly collaborative partnership in every sense. Thank God he stuck with me.
What are you plans ££££ wise?
Bills, mortgage, kids, pensions and so on?

hocuspontas · 17/04/2011 19:47

I think this will become a big issue in years to come. Imagine you are still together in 10/20 years time and you are still not happy about being unmarried? Won't this still be eating away at you inside?

Would you feel better if you moved into a joint place together? At least he would be showing some sort of 'commitment' then I suppose.

I've lived with dp for nearly 30 years but it has been a joint decision never marrying.

MigratingCoconuts · 17/04/2011 19:47

Celibin, that's a great point, especially as there are two sets of kids here who will become step-sibs.You will need wills to provide for them and yourself. You are not each other's next of kin....

Original poster
EvilDrPorkChop · 17/04/2011 19:47

How would a living will work? Sorry to be so ignorant Celibin.

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bemybebe · 17/04/2011 19:49

What part of "marriage" he does not believe in? If it is just financial, you may want to consider a pre-nup, which, I understand, is respected in the case of divorce if there are no children involved. I would definitely talk things over and try to put something legally binding even without the formality of the marriage as his stance would really really worry me. And if I thought he is being unfair or acts on his whims I would not move in.

Original poster
EvilDrPorkChop · 17/04/2011 19:51

Hocuspontas yes! I struggle to see myself at 50 or 60 (now 37), with him, but still unmarried. I suppose if I kicked the bucket, ds would go to my ex. Although I would prefer him to go to my sister, but I was unwell a couple of years ago and initially we thought it was more serious than it was. Ex-h made it very clear he would expect to have ds. And if he died, the girls, would go to their mother full-time.

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expatinscotland · 17/04/2011 19:51

Never compromise who you are, Evil, for a partner. If marriage is something you need and he doesn't, then it may indeed by a dealbreaker.

But in any case, Mollie's spot on. You must not leave yourself legally and financially vulnerable by moving in with this man.

IF he thinks that discussing that means you're a 'gold-digger', don't you really think you deserve someone at least able to have a mature discussion about finances, roles, duties and what if scenarios without concluding his/her mate is just after his/her money?

You really need to have a long chat with yourself and decide first and foremost what you want and need.

noddyholder · 17/04/2011 19:51

I don't believe in marriage and dp knew this from day one. He asked me a few times in teh first 18 months as I think he thought once I was pregnant and has ds I might have changed my mind etc but I have always known it isn't for me. He is not bothered though whereas you sound like you are. Only you know if it is a deal breaker. I really feel that if you have been married before then you should see his point you make vows forever and promise all sorts and a lot of people can't stick to it 'forever' . You can put all the financial and legal stuff in place with a solicitor. All the stuff about if you really loved me etc is a bit daft. If marriage was the definitive on a relationship there would be no divorce. I think everyone is entitled to one marriage and one divorce but anything more makes a mockery of the vows esp if you are religious. I love my dp to bits but marriage is a no no Grin

zikes · 17/04/2011 19:52

You need your ducks in a row when you have children.

MigratingCoconuts · 17/04/2011 19:53

great way for putting it Zikes, I like that a lot.

Original poster
EvilDrPorkChop · 17/04/2011 19:54

Bemybebe, he thinks we would be happy and committed without the need for marriage. I've said I would be happy to run off and do it, I don't need a ceremony or fuss. The more I dig my heels in, the more he stands his ground.

OP posts:
moondog · 17/04/2011 19:54

So, talk the ££££ and sharing thereof situation to us.

Original poster
EvilDrPorkChop · 17/04/2011 19:56

You are all so wise, thank you. Lots to think about here.

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Original poster
EvilDrPorkChop · 17/04/2011 19:59

Oh £££££. Well, I don't have a lot! He initially said he was happy to continue to pay for everything, all bills, food etc. I have said no, I want to make a contribution and we have agreed I will cover all food bills. As well as ds' activities, clothes and other expenses obviously. I work as a teaching assistant in a junior school. I want to do a GTP or PGCE but would like to wait until ds is in secondary school and a little more independent as regards getting to school etc. He is 10 in the summer so not long to go, DP very supportive of that.

OP posts:
spidookly · 17/04/2011 19:59

Are you happy not to have any more children?

You may have 4 between you, but you only have 1. Is that how you want it?

moondog · 17/04/2011 20:00

Ooooh, sounds so casual.
Beware.....

MigratingCoconuts · 17/04/2011 20:00

do you have any pension provision, if you are left on your own?

Original poster
EvilDrPorkChop · 17/04/2011 20:03

Spidookly. Ahem. I swing between wanting another and not. I'm nearly 38, ds nearly 10 now. He doesn't want another one. That has caused problems in the past but I have now 95% accepted that I won't have any more if I stay with him.

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Original poster
EvilDrPorkChop · 17/04/2011 20:03

Oh God moondog now you're scaring me. What do you think I should put in place?

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MigratingCoconuts · 17/04/2011 20:03

I am also interested in a man who is worried about 'gold diggers' (even if said in jest) yet wants to pay for everything.

This suggests an inbalance in the relationship that might cause underlining tensions....

moondog · 17/04/2011 20:04

Sorry, not suggesting he is horrid.
Just that, putting it plainly, you could well be royally fucked over if you/he decide to ed it.

Original poster
EvilDrPorkChop · 17/04/2011 20:05

No Coconuts. Long story but left financially screwed by ex-h. Was a SAHM. Started work weeks before we split. Worked in a private school, no pension. Have only been working in public sector since September and now have pension which is worth diddly squat at the moment.

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Original poster
EvilDrPorkChop · 17/04/2011 20:06

He paid for everything when he was with his ex. I'm not happy to proceed on that basis.

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