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Original poster

DP doesn't believe in marriage

136 replies

EvilDrPorkChop · 17/04/2011 18:52

Bit of background. I have been a lurker for many years but have used to post more frequently about 6/7 years ago.

Have been with DP for almost 2 years. Planning to move in over next few months. I have one ds. He has three dds.

He was not married to the mother of his daughters, although she wanted to. He does not see the need for marriage. His parents were divorced, he is not sure if this is the reason. Even though I am divorced, I still value marriage and think it is important.

I love DP dearly but am starting to really resent his attitude to marriage. He is a very stubborn sort, I think he is unlikely to change his mind. Does anyone have any experience of this? Before I uproot my son and move in with him, I need to have this straight in my head. Do I stick to my guns and therefore forfeit what is otherwise a good relationship? Or do I grin and bear it... and if so, how do I silence the voice in my head that is screaming "IF HE REALLY LOVED YOU, HE WOULD MARRY YOU!" Hmm (always wanted to do one of those!)

OP posts:
zikes · 20/04/2011 12:34

Oh dear. Sad

oldwomaninashoe · 20/04/2011 13:44

I think you are all doing EvilDr and her DP a bit of a dis-service her.
They have both had broken marriages, children to take into consideration and are (as far as I see it) proceeding with caution.
They might live together for 6 months and decide its all a ghastly mistake, or be together for 30 years,during that time having got married and had a further two children.

Lets face it you can make all the plans in the world but at the end of the day any relationship is going to be a bit of a leap of faith when you start living together.

I hope it works out for you EvilDr, only you know if there if enough love and respect on both sides to make it work.

FWIW I think he is being realistic about your future, he is not prepared at this moment in time, to make any BIG future plans, beyond seeing how you work out together.

I wish you well

spidookly · 20/04/2011 14:15

" he is not prepared at this moment in time, to make any BIG future plans, beyond seeing how you work out together."

You can't move a child into his home on that basis, it's not fair.

Particularly not if that child "adores him".

expatinscotland · 20/04/2011 15:58

'I think you are all doing EvilDr and her DP a bit of a dis-service her.
They have both had broken marriages, children to take into consideration and are (as far as I see it) proceeding with caution.'

Trouble is, she'd be doing all the throwing caution to the wind by uprooting her child and giving up her home. That'd be fine if she were okay with it, but she isn't or she wouldn't have started this thread.

There's nothing wrong with wanting marriage, or not wanting it. With wanting commitment or not wanting commitment.

It's when you're both not on the same page that it is a problem.

Wamster · 20/04/2011 19:06

I agree that her situation is not the same as a marriage-neutral couple. Her dp is not neutral about marriage; he does not want it. If neither, wanted it it would not matter.
It also would not really matter if house was jointly-owned-yes I know legally not same as marriage but as the house is biggest source of security/asset for most people, think this is most important issue- but, as it is his house, he can ask to her to leave at and I think that she would have to go -she may be given a few weeks to sort herself somewhere else- but, then again, she would ultimately have to go. She would be there at his whim-or not.

I don't think it is fair to her child to move out with no reassurances. If she had no children, then, in the nicest possible way, on her head be it.

Wamster · 20/04/2011 19:10

Really think that if a couple are going to have any piece of mind when it comes to their home, then there's only two ways to achieve this
1, Marriage -as it does give certain rights to spouse whether they own house or not.
2, If not marriage, joint-ownership of property.

Truckstop · 20/04/2011 19:18

If you get married and had a child together, and then split up, if you were the main carer you would get the house.

Even if he got a percentage you'd be able to live their until the child was 18.

And he has daughters he is responsible for.

If I was him (and I'm in a similar situation re the house and responsibilities ) I wouldn't get married either.

ChupaChups · 20/04/2011 19:38

PorkChop, you are mulling this over and over now. Imagine how it will be in a year or so.

My XP always used to defer the marriage conversation by saying, "Let's discuss it after your Birthday, after Christmas, after the holiday, after I've been in this job a few months...". It turned into a taboo subject.

At the end of the day, he didn't want to marry me. He just wasn't man enough to say it. Why would he? He had all of the benefits without any of the commitment.

If you sincerely want to get married then hold out for that. I did and met my lovely DH who popped the question 6 months after we met. I am far happier now than I would have been had I stayed with XP and not married.

sausagesandmarmelade · 20/04/2011 20:33

It's clear that you want different things from your relationship.
He's been honest with you...and you have to decide for yourself whether you are happy to settle with not getting married to him.

Personally I wouldn't move in with him. It sounds as if he wants a relationship without the commitment...he has other children and wouldn't marry their mother either.

Only you can make that decision...

BestNameEver · 20/04/2011 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
EvilDrPorkChop · 20/04/2011 20:45

I separated from ex-h 5 years ago now. Hard to believe, it has gone so fast. In that time I have dated a lot. There were SO many Mr Wrongs out there. Men who don't have kids and don't get it. Men who do and who don't see them. Men who were lovely, just not right for me. DP ticks so many of the boxes. Not all, because that 100% perfect person does not exist. He does, however, tick all the ones that matter. Fantastic father, great with ds, steady, reliable, kind. I have to weigh up whether I stay with him and accept the status quo. Or explain to ds that it's all off and that he won't see him any more. I'm not worried about myself and my security. I make ds's security and stability. However, sausages' comment about him wanting a relationship without the commitment resonates. Lots to think about. Thank you all for your input.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/04/2011 20:47

Sorry OP, but I think if he really did love you, he'd marry you. He'd want to, but he doesn't. Expatinscotland said... "If someone tells you who they are, believe them". It's true.

I certainly wouldn't have a child with him - perhaps he doesn't envisage having one with you... is it something you've discussed?

You want different things and neither of you should push your wants onto the other person if they don't want them. At least he's been honest with you and you're free to make up your own mind how/if you want to continue the relationship.

Original poster
EvilDrPorkChop · 20/04/2011 20:47

X-post with BestNameEver. You just made me smile!

OP posts:
Original poster
EvilDrPorkChop · 20/04/2011 20:51

LyingWitch yes we have discussed it. We have 4 children between us and his spend a lot of time with him. Purely practically, financially, emotionally, I can't see us having another. I always wanted more than one. However, having been left high and dry by ex-h, it is also very important to me to make my way in teaching. Not to have to rely on any other man, ever. I can now see the way to do this, as ds is getting older. I do think I could live with not having another, but the marriage thing as well? I just don't know and that is what I have to decide.

OP posts:
BestNameEver · 20/04/2011 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/04/2011 21:06

Good for you, EvilDrPorkChop... If you want more than one and you want to be married, why should you have to compromise? I'm wondering if your DP is the one who always calls the shots? It sounds a bit like it and you deserve to have some of the things you want at least some of the time. To be honest, I think marriage is important, particularly if children are involved, and if you feel that way, you shouldn't have to compromise.

I really wish you well, it's a heck of a decision when you're seemingly semi-settled. :)

spidookly · 20/04/2011 21:09

It's weird that you refer to it as "4 children between you".

You don't even live together yet.

The reality is that he has 3 children and you have only 1. And you always wanted more than 1. And that by agreeing to this uncommitted living together situation you are also committing yourself to never having any more children even though you are only 37.

Is he really good enough to give up all chance of more children for?

I can quite see why, if you were both finished having children and decided to live together you might decide not to get married.

But I cannot see why a woman who has not finished having children would accept a childless relationship without marriage to accommodate a man who wants to put all that behind him.

This whole thing is entirely on this terms. None of it is what you want.

And using how sad your 10 year old will be if you broke up as a reason to stay together is ridiculous when he's offering so little in terms of security. How would a 13 year old feel when he and his mother are turfed out on the street by a man he has started to think of as his step-father, but who in fact has no legal connection to him at all?

Collaborate · 20/04/2011 21:13

Read the first few posts then got lazy.
Please please please don't try and change him. If he reluctantly marries you it will be for all the wrong reasons.

spidookly · 20/04/2011 21:22

Being clear about what you want and need from a relationship and refusing to settle for less than that isn't trying to change someone.

He is trying to change you by asking you to accept less than you want.

BecauseImWoeufIt · 20/04/2011 21:34

Why don't you just continue the relationship as it is then? i.e. you stay in your house and he stays in his?

It sounds to me like you're the one making all the compromises here - not getting married because he doesn't want to, not having children because he doesn't want any more.

What are you really gaining by moving in with him?

Original poster
EvilDrPorkChop · 20/04/2011 21:41

Because - the situation has come to head because the house I am currently renting is being sold. He asked me to move in with him. If I stay in this area, DS will go to secondary school here, as I have to apply in the Autumn. No chance really of transferring in London, well, not into a decent school anyway. So realistically the relationship will fizzle if I am committed to staying here for 5 years minimum from September 2012. So it's kind of make the jump now, or let it wither. We wanted to be together under the same roof, look after our kids together, wake up together. However, I now have the collywobbles because of his stance on marriage.

OP posts:
ChupaChups · 20/04/2011 21:57

It sounds like you are 60% there but is that what you want? Wouldn't you rather have 100% or even 95%?

You can have what you want. You just need to be patient and believe that you can have it all. There are lots of lovely guys out there who would commit themselves 100%.

I too kissed a lot of frogs in my time!

MollieO · 20/04/2011 22:28

I haven't dated since I split with ds's father 7 years ago so I'm probably not in the best position to advise.

One thing that would be a big red flag to me is his using your divorce as a reason to not get married. Not an issue if it has been his divorce, I would understand the reticence. It is not. You are keen to make that commitment despite what happened first time round and yet he didn't bother to make any commitment to the mother of his three dcs.

How lucky he is to have found you - someone who is willing to put her furniture in storage and slot into his existing life, help raise his dcs and not make any demands nor have any expectations. Which is what you would be doing if you move in with him.

You and your Ds are worth more than this and I really hope you can see this.

aliceliddell · 20/04/2011 22:29

Hope I'm not repeating what others have said. Agree with Iskra, we're in a long-term relationship. I would nevert get married because of the history of marriage as exchange of women as property. Dp feels same. We might have a hetero civil partnership....maybe but it is a bit similar to marriage. We have all legal stuff sorted, esp. property and dd. Is this the case with your dp?The prob might not be commitment, but philosophical objection to the institution itself.

Original poster
EvilDrPorkChop · 21/04/2011 08:13

I can't get it out of him, Alice. He turns it round and asks me to explain why marriage is important to me. I suspect it has to do with a fear that I'll take him to the cleaners if we split.

OP posts:
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