DP doesn't believe in marriage

[EvilDrPorkChop]

Bit of background. I have been a lurker for many years but have used to post more frequently about 6/7 years ago.

Have been with DP for almost 2 years. Planning to move in over next few months. I have one ds. He has three dds.

He was not married to the mother of his daughters, although she wanted to. He does not see the need for marriage. His parents were divorced, he is not sure if this is the reason. Even though I am divorced, I still value marriage and think it is important.

I love DP dearly but am starting to really resent his attitude to marriage. He is a very stubborn sort, I think he is unlikely to change his mind. Does anyone have any experience of this? Before I uproot my son and move in with him, I need to have this straight in my head. Do I stick to my guns and therefore forfeit what is otherwise a good relationship? Or do I grin and bear it... and if so, how do I silence the voice in my head that is screaming "IF HE REALLY LOVED YOU, HE WOULD MARRY YOU!" (always wanted to do one of those!)

I think this is too big an issue to make such a decision on your part. Look at your own family and your needs first. Where do you want your son to go to school next? Once you've sorted that out decide what you want to do re the relationship.

Rent another house, and then that pressure is removed from you.

Don't move in with him just because you have to move. You should be moving in with him when it's right and when you're ready - and it doesn't sound, to me, like you are yet ready to make what will be a significant commitment.

So his asking you to move in was circumstance driven?

I couldn´t be with someone who didn´t want to marry me & for me it´s too big a compromise.

OP-don´t settle for him-find someone who wants the same as you!

If you get married you could 'take him to the cleaners' so he has a point.

How could OP "take him to the cleaner´s"?

He can make a will & doesn´t have to leave her everything.

Although he couldn´t leave her homeless, I´m sure he could leave everything to his daughters.

So it's a situational moving in, a practical measure as much as anything to him?

Why not rent a place nearer to him or an area where you know you want to be for the duration of your ds's secondary schooling? I don't see why the relationship should fizzle if you both care about each other sufficiently.

Moving in when it's not quite right and you're not on the same page is more likely to kill it.

Also that all your stuff is going into storage - well, it's not really the commitment he says it is either. It's more like lodging, it's not going to be your and your ds's home, it's going to continue as just his.

I'm not saying he should give you rights to the house, but I'd want to be decorating a room for my son, having some of my furniture about, that sort of thing.

If they get married and have a child, and the relationship ends.
OP would probably get the house. She would have it at least until the child was 18. And then he would het his percentage.

Wills don't come into it.

I assume that is why he doesn't want to get married.

Zikes, it'll be fine decoraing a room for ds. Would move ds's stuff in. I would probably move some of my bits in as well, but in terms of space and the fact that a lot of his stuff is better suited to the purpose i.e. larger dining table, bigger, comfier bed, larger wardrobes, already has several sofas in the living room, I don't see where my stuff could go. The tumble dryer will have to come with me. Fact!

Returning to this thread after a few days, I do not think that your situtation is the the same as Alice's. Not at all. Firstly, in her and her partner's mind, commitment can exist outside of marriage. They BOTH agree on it. If one of them did not, perhaps the other would agree to marrying the other. In other words, love will trump principles. I genuinely believe that men will put principled objections to marriage aside If that is what their partner wants. Sorry but I do.

Her and her partner have also sorted out the legal requirements in their relationship.

The bottom line is this: the posters here and yourself could spend all day arguing why he won't marry you- I genuinely think it is because he does not want financial/legal commitment.
Without these commitments (and bear in mind that these commitments CAN exist outside of marriage, but I bet he won't be signing half the house over to you) a relationship is based to a certain extent upon fear i.e. in the back of your mind you'll be thinking 'Will he chuck me out?' and, be under no illusions, in your case, he can. You are not on legal documents regarding to house, you are not married and have no children together. The law will, at best, give you a few months to get your accommodation sorted but, ultimately you will have to go.

You can't just shrug these things off as unimportant- marriage was designed to help balance out these irregularities.

My advice- for what it is worth- is to live apart and meet up a few times a week. Accept that your relationship can be fun and supportive but living together is not in your interests. Although, he may push for it as it may be in his.

I must say I agree with the consensus of opinion. I am concerned that the move in is based on circumstance, and I am REALLY concerned that the OP suggests that the relationship will fizzle out if she stays in the same area because of her son's schooling. If the relationship isnt strong enough to last the course, then it isnt the one that she should be attatching thoughts of marriage to - plenty of people have relationships where they dont live together all the time - often work dictates that, and they dont just 'fizzle out' because they arent together 100% of the time.