Newbie - desperate for impartial advice!

[Kimberjem]

Hi, new poster here, have lurked for a while and could really do with some impartial advice. After a really rocky two year relationship we have come to a crunch point whether to really commit or to call it quits.
My partner is separated from his wife but not divorced, he insists that she will never consent to divorce so it is another two years minimum (they were separated 3 months when we got together). He has 3 children with her from 18 - 10. I have never met his children nor do they know I exist and from what I understand aside from when he first moved out there has been no conversation with the children about why their parents have split up nor any clarity about the future.
His wife knows about me but doesn't want my name mentioned around her and also pretends I don't exist. He has made it clear to me for the past two years that she would like to reconcile. We don't live together, he lives in a flat round the corner from the family home.
I am in my early 30's and he is in his early 40's and I have been clear frm the start of the relationship that I would like a long term committed relationship and ideally to have a child, he has said all along that he isn't sure either way so it's not a no or a yes.
By his own admission he was a pretty poor husband a father, he has a job that means he flies long haul every week and is really only around weekends. Since he and his wife split he is really trying to be a good father and is really improving his relationship with his children. I absolutely support him in that and never mind when he has to drop our plans because of something to do with the children.
Basically the current situation has become untenable due to lack of time and trying to keep all the facets of his life entirely separate.
So, finally, he is suggesting we move in together and says he will tell his children about me, get more involved in my life etc and that we should decide whether to make a proper go of things. That will also mean me accepting him going on holidays with his estranged wife and their children etc as he wants to be close friends with her. I find the holiday idea particularly uncomfortable, but guess it's ok if best for the children?
I love him very much, he is so intelligent and funny and I really enjoy his company, I also find him so attractive and our sex life is great. We get on very well, but I do find I get so angry and resentful at the fact our relationship has not moved on up to this point.
So, in summary, and thanks if you have got this far, should I just give up hope now that we will actually get to a proper committed relationship or give living together a go and see what happens?

Thank you HH, I really am fine, just happy to feel so calm today, have a lovely day planned tomorrow with my mum and friends bday tomorrow night and I am having fun, promise! I have learnt a lot about what is and isn't acceptable to me and what I want from a relationship, and for the first time in my life I know I am ready to have a grown up one when the time is right. Hope you are having a lovely weekend.

Good for you KJ, I am so pleased for you! You are one smart cookie!

Have a smashing day tomorrow!

kimber I have skimmed over thread.... Congratulations and respect due to you for standing up to this wanker.

But please remember to keep up the good work and don't let him worm his way back in. When I broke up with exh I changed my phone number which was the best decision I made, because he could not ring me and start all his bullshit again.

Well done for getting this far, but please don't see him anymore.

I would put money on most of his "story" as being bollocks. I bet if you spoke to his wife she would tell you a whole different story, like that stuff about not getting divorced, that is total shit, there is a 5 year reason not to commit to you or anybody else. I'll bet he has been seeing her all along and I'll bet when he#s not with you he's with her and when he's "away" he is proobalbly with somebody else.

You deserve better, good luck!

Hi lovely ladies, thought I would give a quick update. it's now been a week without any contact whatsoever and so far I have felt happy and free all week. I have learnt so much and weirdly it all seems like so long ago now, I joined match.com but haven't bothered to look at it yet, but will get round to it at some point soon. I have learnt so much about what is and isn't acceptable to me and I guess I had to learn the hard way. just wanted to say thanks again to you all for supporting me through, meant a lot x

Eek, match.com? you are braver than I!

The idea of anyone in my life still makes me feel rather sick! but you go girl!!

Love, you realised what's important, you realised you have a right to a life, who cares how you learnt that? you got there in the end!

Hi HH, how long have you been single for? I would really like a teammate but am also fine on my own, the match thing has done wonders for me ego 70 winks this week, not sure if that's good but definitely good for the ego and I know there are options out there when I am ready. Can't say I don't wonder how ex is getting on and I fully expect to bump into him with his wedding ring back on at some point but will be avoiding that one.

X left in early March. Still thinks he's involved with me though. Abusive 10 year relationship, dad to my DS (5)

I'm not going to be getting back on that horse for a VEEEERRRYY long time!
Plus, the horse'd get more winks than I. I'm old though, so I've done my time, I don't want anyone in my life.

Well you can't be that old! bet you meet someone before me, maybe in the queue at the supermarket! Anyhow, thanks for your help, I am just coming t terms with quite how abusive ex was, there was lots I didn't say on here, but, good luck to you too with moving on and well done for getting rid!

ha ha! not a ffing chance. 3yrs in Egypt, back 2 years this month and only now I can sometimes look a man in the eye. not ancient, but I feel it. I'll be 43. tbh, I'll be happy if this is my life for ever, I'll be content, I'll please myself and be kind to myself.

Did see drop dead single dad man the other week though, looked just like Anderson Cooper... way out of my league, naturally, and not at all appropriate, right timing etc etc etc etc etc. But I suppose it proves I'm not entirely dead yet!

he he he there is always a lot more than you think with abuse, it takes a long time to realise the subtleties. remember it was not you though, hang onto that and you will get through. invest in some Lundy Bancroft... he'll help you see all that.

I've just read the full thread - well done on the no contact and especially joining match. Have you winked back at any of them?

This evening i'm so tempted to text a bloody middle aged muppet I have been dropped by 4 times in 6 months and who refers to his ex (2nd) wife as his 'other half' on an ebay account (I have found by cyber stalking him due t other red flags !). I've been blaming my divorce for making me vulnerable but just need to get a bloody grip and stick to no contact other than when have to speak to him in work .. big sigh. I didn't even want a serious relationship or to be introduced to each other's children. Just not up for being totally dropped whenever he was quite busy and then contacted after a few weeks for an ego massage!

panicandanxiety: please remember relationships are not to be Red Flag Bingo, you see one, STOP, you see two, INVESTIGATE, Three? Run for the hills.

This guy is picking you up and dropping you to suit his own needs, that is going to destroy any self confidence you have.

You probably ARE still vulnerable after your divorce, but dating a dickhead like this is not going to help you feel stronger ever, is it?

It truly IS better to be on your own, lick your wounds, discover who you are and then gradually re-immerse yourself into life.

Hi panicandanxiety, me and my best friend were discussing relationships yesterday and have concluded if they are traumatic and or troublesome in the early days ( and by that I mean first 5 years) then they are not going to go the distance so not point in perserveering, well that's our experience anyway. So, if you are only looking for a mutually respectful 'bit of fun' and you aren't even getting that then just don't bother!! Definitely stop the cyberstalking too, it does no good, not going to make you feel any better. I do feel a world better for no contact, have had a fab weekend seeing various girlfriends and just having fun. No haven't winked back at anyone on match, tbh there is someone in RL who I have liked for a long long time and who I really messed things up with some years ago that is slowly coming back into my life, coincidently in the last couple of weeks, it may just be as friends which is fine but want to find out if there is any chance there before I look elsewhere, not ready to tackle it yet though, don't want to face rejection or any more hurt at the moment, so friends is good for now.

Kimber I think I need to get used to being single and just friends too. I haven't contacted him. I was just being pathetic last night once the boys were in bed. I text him at the end of March and asked him to not contact me again on my personal mobile. I'm glad you have had a fab weekend> I hope you have agood week too.

HH he was a good distraction at a really shitty time but then started to upset me in addition to all the divorce stuff.

The bit about leaving his wife to pack,travel & set up the villa is the thing that illustrates for me just what a user he is.

He cherry picks the good times with his kids but uses their 'need' to see him as an excuse - they will soon learn what a self centered knob he really is.

As for calling his wife an easy lay

Kimberjem hope you have stuck to your guns.

I wasted 9 years of my precious life, and therefore probably my chance to remarry and have a second child being that I am now in my 40s, for a similar wanker-of-note.
4 of them while he was married and uh-ming and ahh-ing about what to do about his marriage - every time I would try to move on, he would stalk me and make my life a living hell. A further 5 being manipulated and blamed for everything that has since gone wrong in his life.

I wish I had grown a set of brass balls A LOT earlier!

This week however, he collects his things, and is gone, hopefully forever. And I feel as light as a feather, because I finally broke the shackles of what could only be described as an addictive relationship.

Do NOT let him sweet-talk you, do not let him convince you that YOU are the only one for him, do not allow his mumbo jumbo. Its NOT good enough! He is not good enough! He has proven that he is self-serving and ensures that life must ultimately meet his needs, he is not interested in the needs of others.

Please, be strong, and dont waste another minute on this man.

finallygotaroundtoit - quite frankly, sleeping with each other in the afternoon, in thw family home when the kids were present I don't think she deserves much sympathy, neither parent is really putting their children first.
Bluetopaz -thanks, I have felt completely addicted to the relationship and the misery and drama of it all, but am getting over it, slowly but surely, I don't want to waste anymore time but nor do I want to rush into something else before I have had chance to get over this.

He has joined match and winked at me, I am really upset, have had texts back and forward, he is being manipulative and controlling, no doubt he has found this thread too. So have told him, he can go for it on match, will leave him to it. I can't stand the tgouht of having what I am doing monitored and I don't need the temptation to look at what he is doing, aaarrrrggghhh, am annoyed and hurt. He said he wanted me to move on and find a good man who would treat me well and then he does this.

Kimberjem, I've never posted on here before, but have been lurking for a while. Your last post has MADE me write this though, as it sounds like you are in danger of being dragged back down into the mire with this idiot. My situation is different to yours, am in the process of asking for advice myself actually, but very briefly, all I wanted to say is PLEASE STAY AWAY from him. You sound exactly like I did, 3 years ago - early (ish!) 30s, no sign of commitment from BF of 3 years, every time I brought it up, I was "pressurising" him etc etc. Unfortunately, instead of listening to the little voice in my head telling me to GET OUT, I stayed. He was a bit messed up emotionally, and was in counselling, I thought he was "The One", was sure I could fix him and that it would all be OK. 6 months later I accidentally (genuinely) fell pregnant. We now have a 21 month old DS, who I obviously love to bits, but if I could turn back the clock I would RUN FOR THE HILLS. We are still together, but it is a million miles from being alright. Our relationship is still based on a purely day by day, "let's play it by ear" basis. There is no sign of commitment, he doesn't really love me, and everything is still my fault. This is not how it is supposed to be. Only now, I can't run away, go on holiday, or even go out and have a few glasses of wine with the girls! I don't want to hijack your post, just to hold up a mirror of how things may work out, if you choose the other route (ie stay with the loser). You sound like a really nice genuine person, you deserve better than this. Stay strong, cut ALL contact, and move on. It sounds like you're doing really well already, PLEASE do not go back. X

KJ. Detach. Detach. Detach. Did I say that before?

Stop the texting, change your number, tell everyone that your X turned out to be a psycho and you had to dump him..

I told you he wouldn't go quietly didn't I? He's a manipulative, control freak. Listen to Apparentlynothing.

Apparentlynothing you can leave, you do know that? your DS is 21 months, not half as limiting as a newborn. You CAN run away, and actually yes you CAN go out with the girls.

I need to see you on relationships more often now and not lurking. Can you do that? we can help you too!

Thanks you HH,and apparently nothing, I am sorry for your situation, I really do believe it's never too late to get out, my best friend in RL is currently divorcing her husband and she has a 3yr old DS and it is so so so for the best. I spoke to him, he maintains it was nothing to do with looking at me and he wants to start dating, oh and also the bit that made me laugh out loud is that if he understands the site he can help his ex wife out with it, hilarious. I have taken myself off and asked him to refund my subscription. After only a week or so ago sitting through buckets of his tears, how messes up he was and how he needed to sort himself out by being alone. Anyhow, HH I do hear what you are saying re detach, I was doing really well, and every time he does something to hurt me it bothers me a little less. But, no meeting up, and won't call again! If I decide to try Internet dating properly I shall go elsewhere, , ladies who are joining match beware!

HerHissyness - thankyou, I think I do know that, but am just going around in circles at the moment. I will post soon, once I have worked out how to write it all down in a succinct way, and I shall certainly still be here - thankyou!
KJ - I had missed your posts re Match and him winking at you etc. Am SO glad he is behaving like such a total twat - at least you won't be in any doubt ever again that you did the right thing. Good luck!

I can't believe he has done that today. Awful. I hope him being so bad is making it easier for you to move on in some ways.

AN - start your own thread, promise to be one of the first to come along to support! it really is worth doing.
as for my situation the more I think about today's behavior, I am thinking he may be losing the plot a bit, all very strange! I feel fine though.

PAA - I know, really strange, he really didn't think he had done anything wrong, and he was apparently sorry to piss me off. I pointed out that casual dating wasn't really his bag as he wanted to own anyone he was in a relationship with, he couldn't cope very well with my past anyway, I am a definitely reformed former wild child so how he thinks he could date someone who was also dating others is beyond me, but let him try, he will end up in the same mess as he has done no work on himself. how are you getting on?

He did it to control you KJ, you know that, we all know that, he had to piss on your chance of happiness. Sever all contact with this prick, really! everytime you react, you are feeding him. cut off his supply.

I told you he'd not slink back under his rock quietly...

Apparentlynothing, if you don't feel like starting your own thread, you don't have to. Pop over to the NPD/Abusive partners thread, it's somewhere in Relationships, and we'll find you!

It's what I did, after posting for ages around the subject and the odd little thread here and there. It'll take time and you need to build yourself up, but you can do it.

How can life without that dreadful man be any worse than the life you are leading now?