Done to death I know, but help me see if I am the one in the wrong - MIL issues

[dana4nyc]

I am very sorry to be doing yet another MIL thread but I really need some guidance here.

There is a long backstory here so I will do my very best to be as detailed as possible and not go on and on.

I moved to the UK 3 years ago after meeting my DH in May of 2007. I am American and we met in the states as he was on a detachement with the RAF. I came to visit him in England twice and his mother was nice as pie during those visits. When I moved over in April 2008 we had to live with them for approx. 1 month before we could move into our RAF accomodation. It was a difficult time as my MIL's father was ill at the time and passed away 4 days after my arrival. This could have contributed to her behavior with me but when it was just me & MIL in the house she would not speak to or look at me but once DH & FIL were home she acted fine with me. This was hard on me and I was quite a mess as I was in a new country with no friends or blood family and I was feeling very uncomfortable in my new surroundings.

Fast forward to now, 3 years later. My MIL & I have managed to have an OK relationship but there have been several things that she has said & done to me over the course of the past 3 years that have hurt me very badly and I have finally lost the plot and we have had the mother of all rows. Here are the things that have been said to me:

1. "All of my friends think you have changed since getting together with dana4nyc, and not for the better" - This was said in front of me & DH only a few days after my arrival in the UK
2. "(DH's name) has never treated me as badly as he has since he has been with you" - This was said only to me while DH was away on another detachement. I was also very heavily pregnant at the time.
3. "You are the reason that (DH's name) was the ONLY one not present at the death of my father" - This was said in front of me & FIL. Side note We left the day before he passed away after DH has said his final goodbyes as the nurses told the family he would not make it through the night. DH did not want to be there when he took his final breath.
4. On 2 separate occasions she has snatched my DD (and yes they were deliberate snatches) out of my arms. One time was at a family wedding in which my DH was not in attendance. The second occasion was at my DD's 1 birthday party. On the second occasion she took DD away from me and immediately gave her to DH. It is important to note that on either occasion DD was not crying or in distress at all. MIL just didn't want me to have her.
5. On the day of DD's 1st birthday party MIL walked into our home and spoke to everyone in the house except for me. She did not speak more than 5 words to me for the entire day.

As this is getting to be a novel, the gist is that after living with being treated this was for far too long I snapped after she left a particulary snarky comment on my Facebook page. I finally stood up for myself by replying to her rather rude comment and deleted her as my friend. This turned into a massive row with her calling the house that night screaming down the phone at me and I saw red. I called her a f&%!? b*!%? and told her to stay away from me and my DD. She is now threatening to take us to court to get custody of DD. I know she is delusional regarding this but I am beyond livid that she would even threaten such a thing. She can hate me all she wants but to threaten me as a mother has made me so angry I can't think straight.

So my question is this - Am I justified in being angry? I feel at this point in time that I do not ever want to see her again nor do I want my DD to see her because I don't feel that I can trust her not to a) Say terrible things about me to DD and b) There is a small part of me that is scared the woman might put DD in a car and just drive off somewhere because she has made it clear she doesn't think I deserve DD. Once I have calmed down and am not so angry anymore I think I might be willing to let DH take DD to see MIL & FIL for a few hours every once in a while but he is not to leave DD alone with them.

There is a bit more detail to the story including an incident where FIL had a go at me and several comments they made regarding my parenting after DD was born but if you have gotten this far I really appreciate it.

I am also pregnant with DC2 and the stress of this situation in wreaking havoc on me emotionally as well as physically.

Please help me see if I am blowing things majorly out of proportion.

Many Thanks

Well, she sounds a bit strange and frankly unpleasant so I understand your issue with her overall but your reaction in this instance seems a little excessive. What did she say on your Facebook page that caused things to escalate quite so badly?

By the sounds of things, you have coped quite well with her to date so did she step over a new line?

How does DH respond to these comments when made in his hearing?

Not too sure what to say, but didn't want you to be unanswered. She does sound seriously jealous of your relationship with her son. Sorry to ask, but is there anything you might have done or said to make her take such a dislike to you? Could there have been misunderstandings born of coming from different countries and not accepting each other's ways of doing things? It sounds like things have reached a point where it will be difficult to smooth over unless you get to the bottom of what her problem with you really is.
I wish I could be more helpful.

Hmmmm sounds strange but you haven't mentioned your dh's stance on this..? What does he say to her?

Sounds awful. What, if anything, has your DH done during all these incidents or has he stood by whilst it all happened?

where does your DH figure in all of this? he should of had a word with them in the begining.

I am on your side though, she sounds like a nightmare. i would have no qualms of cutting her out of my life.

What a mess. I can see why you lost it with her but I think you're going to have to take the lead in this to sort it out, even if that just means working out with your dh an arrangement along the lines you suggest with dh taking your dd to see your in laws.

You'll also have to factor into all of this that she will have told everyone that will listen that you called her a fucking bitch and there really isn't a good spin you can put on that.

Do you live near your in laws?

How often do you see them?

What does your dh make of this latest incident?

Was he generally on your side before this?

Does he still go away a lot?

Do you have friends around to support you?

You will get passed this but it will take some time. Perhaps try to see it as an opportunity to reset the boundaries of your relationship with this awful woman to your terms rather than hers.

Thank you for all of your replies so far. Needafootmassage You are right, I did lose the moral highground calling her what I did and I do feel terrible about it. I guess it was just one of those occasions where you put up with so much and everyone has their breaking point.

The FB thing was quite ridiculous actually. I had put a status on my page about missing my family and not appreciating them as much when I lived close to them. Not really meaning I didn't appreciate my family all the time, I was really just having an emotional night and really wanting a hug from my Mom and I used that status on FB as a way to vent. I got some lovely comments back from friends (both in the UK & the US), everyone being so supportive and loving. Until the MIL comments telling me that I should always appreciate my family no matter if I am with them or not. Not too bad I know, but there is always a tone even in things you write and there was no hint of sympathy there at all. And I was also still very hurt from the treatment I received only 3 days prior at DD's birthday party. Yes I'm sure I did overreact but like I said, everyone has a point when they are fed up being treated like crap and that was mine.

As far as DH goes, he is very understanding and he realizes that his mother is a difficult person to get along with. He has only been witness to one incident and nothing was said at the time. To be fair, nothing has ever been said to her after anything she has said to me. I am quite a wimp and afraid to stand up for myself. After each one of the above incidents happened I always told DH immediately and he said that he would sort it once he got home but I always chickened out and told him not to say anything. This was mainly due to my desire to keep the peace, not because I felt she was in the right.

DELHI - I really don't know to be honest. I have been doing alot of thinking about this and all I can come up with is that she may resent me for moving over at such an emotionally difficult time for her family (with the death of her father imminent). In hindsight, DH & I should have waited for me to move over. We all knew that he was sadly not going to make it but love won out and DH wanted me over here as soon as. It was a terrible time for all of us. I was thrust into a grieving family but I myself wasn't grieving because I did not know him. The family found it difficult to welcome me as they were all going through their own personal difficulties. Maybe this is why she feels the way she does. But our realtionship has had some good times and we have been very close. I just don't understand how the cruel remarks can be said without any hint of remorse. It's almost like she doesn't get that what she has said is hurtful.

You need to get dh on side and ensure that he stands up to his mother when she treats you badly. Have a discussion with him and let him know how this is affecting you. Work out a plan of action between the two of you.

I have a hideous mil and it was only when dh very clearly took my side and made it abundantly clear that his loyalties lay 100% with me that she calmed down a bit.

You mil hasn't seen that from your dh yet and will continue to try to divide and conquer.

BarbaraBar I did send her a text message on Mother's Day telling her that I hope she had a nice day and that I do hope one day she & I can sort our differences out and have a good relationship. She did text back to say thanks and that she hoped so too. That was my attempt at extending an olive branch but there has been no attempt on either side since then.

We currently live an hour away from the IL's. In May we will be moving to another town but the distance will be roughly the same.

We usually saw the IL's every other weekend or so. They usually came to ours for Sunday lunch but with what has happened now we haven't seen them since 26th March and the next time we will be seeing them is 1st May at a christening.

DH has always been on my side and to his credit he has ALWAYS told me to stand up to her as it would make her respect me more. Well, now that I have stood up to her it seems to have made things worse. He has told her that if she tries to take us to court over anything to do with DD it will sever any relationship he has with them and she has said that she doesn't care.

He has now left the RAF and started a new job last week. He has to live away all week only coming home Friday afternoon and leaving again Sunday afternoon. After his training is completed he will be working out at sea for up to 8 weeks at a time, so yes he is away a LOT.

I have great friends but the unfortunate thing is that the IL's are friends with all of mine & DH's friends too. DH & I can't do anything with any of our friends without MIL & FIL being invited too. They infiltrate every aspect of life here and it is exhausting.

Needafootmassge - I just wanted to clarify that my anger wasn't only based on the FB comment, that was just the last straw. If none of the above things had ever been said to me that FB comment would have been a non-issue.

I will apologise for calling her that one day and I have made that very clear the DH. I have no problem saying I'm sorry for that.

Gosh Dana - that sounds really hard. They've clearly got their feet right under the table. I only see my parents and in-laws 3 or 4 times a year (reasons of distance) and that's perfect for all our relationships!

The pluses from all of this:

1. Dh is clearly on your "side"; and

1. You are moving to a new town where you'll be able to meet lots of new people. My advice would be to throw yourself into life in the new town and meet lots of new friends. You need to dilute the influence and effect she has on your life and this move sounds like the best way to do it.

Good luck with it all. I really hope you and your dh manage to work through all of this.

BarbaraBar My IL's really are nice people. I am in bits about this whole situation. I wished that I would have just called her out each time she said something untoward to me. I guess I can be blamed for not standing up for myself right then and there and nipping it in the bud. I am just afraid of confrontation. I mean, I have no problem having disputes with my own family but when the person isn't blood related to me or a very good friend I find it hard to stand up for myself. It's sad, I know.

I think you have been overreacting a bit I'm afraid and it sounds like she has as well.

I don't think you should apologise, "One day" you should apologise now. She has been pressing your buttons and has clearly not been a supportive as she could be and she is clearly overreacting herself in terms of threatening to take your DC away. However, on the surface of it, there's nothing she's said or done prior to you calling her names that justifies that behaviour and I think you are going to have to eat humble pie and apologise.

I would call her and tell her you are sorry. Suggest all meeting up as a family for lunch or something in the near future and attempt to get things back on track. Simultaneously, you need to be very clear which of her behaviours you won't tolerate. I would not address this in advance, but when she tries to grab one of the DC, firmly keep hold of him/her and say, "MIL, DC is happy and I'm going to hold him/her for a bit longer" etc. If necessary, your DH can step in - if he's offered, you're creating a rod for your own back by not allowing him to tactfully speak with his mother about her behaviour.

I also think that your arrival in their home was unfortunately timed. There's nothing you can do about that now but perhaps bear it in mind and try to appreciate that she probably also feels some lingering resentment that she had to have a stranger in her house while dealing with the death of her father.

Gosh it really does sound difficult. Maybe you came at a time when it genuniely was rather intrusive and she's still got that feeling in her head. Threatening court, when everybody knows that grandparents don't really have any rights is not going to get her anywhere. I reckon she's still not over the grieving process.

BarbaraBar is right. You need to have a sep social life from your ILs and luckily you will have that opportunity. It may take a bit of planning as your DH is away so much (and will be in the future).

I actually don't think her Facebook comment was that bad (just a platitude really). I have to say that sometimes American language/grammar does come over slightly oddly to UK people. My DB lives in NYC and when he orders in a restuarant over here it sounds so very rude. "I'll take the salad" and many less pleases and thank yous to people in shops (even for our poor British service) than are generally expected here. Maybe our language sounds a bit rude to you too?

Could she be scared that you will move to USA and take DD with you? That might be at the root of her fears and why she threatens court?

It's all v difficult for you.

It will be her loss if she doesn't see the GCs because she has annoyed you so much.

Thank you all for your honesty, it has given me alot to think about.

BlingLoving - I will apologise to her. I don't think I can do it now though as I am still reeling from her texting DH this past Friday telling him she has sought legal counsel to get custody of DD. This may not hold any water at all and she would probably never go through with it but these threats to me are much more worrisome and heartbreaking than being called a effing bitch. I know what I said was wrong and it's tit for tat almost but I (rightly or wrongly) feel I deserve an apology too.

Did your dh text her back on Friday re the custody text?

Pippop1 - I know what you mean about the differences in language. I don't think that was the case though. I know with 100% certainty that I was hormonal when reading it and read more into it than I should have. I was also still upset from the way she treated me a few days earlier. MIL is notorious though for putting loads of 'xxxxxxxxxx' after anything that she writes, no matter who she is writing to. I guess I read into her ommission of 'xxxxxxxx' a bit as well. I know that is juvenile but without any prompting from my DH he commented that her comment "was a bit harsh."

I'm sure she is scared of us going back to the states because that will happen one day. Not because of this but because I as well as DH see ourselves settling there. The plan was to go a few months ago but I found out I was pregnant and the job that I was going to decided not to offer me the position due to the pregnancy so the plans fell through. Our hope is now to move after the baby is born. This is something that MIL & FIL have been aware of since DH & I met. He has always said he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life in the UK so this is not new news to them. I know they will miss DH & the kids but it will not stop us from doing what is best for our family.

I would usually advise people to apologise in this situation. I do however think that your Mil, has been extremely nasty. She doesn't like you and you may have done nothing to upset her, but because she dislikes you anything you do will annoy her. She may have seen the facebook message as an attack against her, when the truth is that you miss your friends and family.
If you apologise to her , only apologise for sweariing at her. She sounds like a nightmare to be honest and i think that you should keep your distance , but remain calm if you happen to see her.

Perfumedlife - Yes, he told her that he would never have a relationship with them again if they did that and she told him she didn't care.

Hello

Irrespective of if you have been rude to her or not, to continue to threaten court and say she has sought counsel over custody issue when you and your DH are together, have no issues with parenting, are expecting another child etc is frankly worryingly delusional. It sounds like she is either a. genuinely unhinged, b. attention-seeking/drama-loving and desperate for conflict, or c. err can't think of anything else. I could more or less understand her motivation if you and your DH were estranged and you had sole custody or your DH was out of the picture all together. I hope you work it out. Apologising may help but if she is capable of this behaviour I can't see it changing hugely in the future unless she has some kind of depression etc from the death of her father.

forehead - Thank you for that. I too feel that I only need to apologise for swearing at her and I will do that soon, I hope.

We all have been invited to a christening on 1st May. I am nervous as hell about coming face to face with them but the parents of the baby being christened are some of our best friends and she has told me that she will be devastated if I don't come. Bless her, she feels terrible for inviting the IL's and told me she would call them and tell them that they are no longer welcome but I told her I wouldn't dream of her doing that at it would make me look so incredibly petty (even though I didn't ask her to do this I know it would look that way to IL's). I am hoping that I will be able to remain calm but I know inside I will be a ball of nerves. DH said that he would not leave my side though and if they tried to start any trouble he would handle it.

If you are going back to the Sttes, then i would try to ignore her tbh, as you don't have to put up with her for much longer. If she had been kinder to you, you may have decided to settle in England.
This serves as a warning to mils or future mils who are intent on making their dils lives difficult. You will lose out in the end, as 99 times out of a hundred they will choose their wives over you.

Downunderdolly - You have hit the nail on the head. She is very attention seeking and I think deep down she hasn't come to terms with the fact that her precious son is a man now with his own family and she is no longer the center of his world.

I do also think that you are right about not coping with the death of her father. I am very close to my father and I can't even imagine the pain of losing him but the 3 years that have passed have not seemed to help her come to terms with it. I know people say that time is a healer and not having been through this expereience myself I don't know if it is normal for the pain to still be so raw.