Done to death I know, but help me see if I am the one in the wrong - MIL issues

[dana4nyc]

I am very sorry to be doing yet another MIL thread but I really need some guidance here.

There is a long backstory here so I will do my very best to be as detailed as possible and not go on and on.

I moved to the UK 3 years ago after meeting my DH in May of 2007. I am American and we met in the states as he was on a detachement with the RAF. I came to visit him in England twice and his mother was nice as pie during those visits. When I moved over in April 2008 we had to live with them for approx. 1 month before we could move into our RAF accomodation. It was a difficult time as my MIL's father was ill at the time and passed away 4 days after my arrival. This could have contributed to her behavior with me but when it was just me & MIL in the house she would not speak to or look at me but once DH & FIL were home she acted fine with me. This was hard on me and I was quite a mess as I was in a new country with no friends or blood family and I was feeling very uncomfortable in my new surroundings.

Fast forward to now, 3 years later. My MIL & I have managed to have an OK relationship but there have been several things that she has said & done to me over the course of the past 3 years that have hurt me very badly and I have finally lost the plot and we have had the mother of all rows. Here are the things that have been said to me:

1. "All of my friends think you have changed since getting together with dana4nyc, and not for the better" - This was said in front of me & DH only a few days after my arrival in the UK
2. "(DH's name) has never treated me as badly as he has since he has been with you" - This was said only to me while DH was away on another detachement. I was also very heavily pregnant at the time.
3. "You are the reason that (DH's name) was the ONLY one not present at the death of my father" - This was said in front of me & FIL. Side note We left the day before he passed away after DH has said his final goodbyes as the nurses told the family he would not make it through the night. DH did not want to be there when he took his final breath.
4. On 2 separate occasions she has snatched my DD (and yes they were deliberate snatches) out of my arms. One time was at a family wedding in which my DH was not in attendance. The second occasion was at my DD's 1 birthday party. On the second occasion she took DD away from me and immediately gave her to DH. It is important to note that on either occasion DD was not crying or in distress at all. MIL just didn't want me to have her.
5. On the day of DD's 1st birthday party MIL walked into our home and spoke to everyone in the house except for me. She did not speak more than 5 words to me for the entire day.

As this is getting to be a novel, the gist is that after living with being treated this was for far too long I snapped after she left a particulary snarky comment on my Facebook page. I finally stood up for myself by replying to her rather rude comment and deleted her as my friend. This turned into a massive row with her calling the house that night screaming down the phone at me and I saw red. I called her a f&%!? b*!%? and told her to stay away from me and my DD. She is now threatening to take us to court to get custody of DD. I know she is delusional regarding this but I am beyond livid that she would even threaten such a thing. She can hate me all she wants but to threaten me as a mother has made me so angry I can't think straight.

So my question is this - Am I justified in being angry? I feel at this point in time that I do not ever want to see her again nor do I want my DD to see her because I don't feel that I can trust her not to a) Say terrible things about me to DD and b) There is a small part of me that is scared the woman might put DD in a car and just drive off somewhere because she has made it clear she doesn't think I deserve DD. Once I have calmed down and am not so angry anymore I think I might be willing to let DH take DD to see MIL & FIL for a few hours every once in a while but he is not to leave DD alone with them.

There is a bit more detail to the story including an incident where FIL had a go at me and several comments they made regarding my parenting after DD was born but if you have gotten this far I really appreciate it.

I am also pregnant with DC2 and the stress of this situation in wreaking havoc on me emotionally as well as physically.

Please help me see if I am blowing things majorly out of proportion.

Many Thanks

She sounds a nightmare - my MIL is bad but has never gone as far as yours - custody FFS!! I would cease contact with her and leave it up to DH if he wishes to maintain a relationship with them on the proviso that it isn't damaging to your DCs. I've wanted to get hold of a copy of "Toxic In-Laws' for a while have bought DH 'Toxic Parents' - apparently they are on e-books now. Maybe you should have a read...

Hell would freeze over before I would apologise to a mil who threatened a custody battle for my child.

She has been nasty on and off for years, so what if you called her a name. If the cap fits, truth hurts and all that.

All that matters is your dh supports you fully and tells her to back off. Apologising to someone like her will only fuel her belief that she's in the right, and she isn't.

I have a mil from hell now. I kill her with kindness. It's superficial, she knows it, I know it. She also knows she will never win, and if she steps out of line, she will look the bad one, not me. I just smile, smile, smile when I see her. Polite and happy. Pisses her off no end, and totally wrong foots her.

Go to the christening, be happy and smiley. Make chit chat. And know that you and your family will be in the sunny states soon and she will still be a sad, bitter old hag. I think the relationship is too damaged to come back from really, and the way to deal with it is polite distance. But she brought the sword out sending that text re custody ( keep it) and so all bets are off. Just keep on doing what you are doing, smile, but don't apologise or try to build bridges.

What kind of grandmother would threaten such a thing? She had the opportunity to act like a surrogate mum to you and fucked that up. No more chances.

God perfumedlife it's like I've found a kindred spirit in you!!! You are saying exactly the same things that my family have been saying. My parents & sister have been very diplomatic about the whole situation, not slagging her off and just letting me vent but they totally agree that I exploded and it was long over due.

I will definitely try to hide being scared shitless when I see them at the christening and kill them with kindness. I doubt there will be any hugging or kissing on the cheek but I will hide my fear with a smile and I will let DH take DD to see them and give hugs and kisses as appropriate. DD will stay with us the majority if the time though and I stand by my provision of them not being alone with DD.

Lol at 'kill her with kindness' perfumed

Good for you, plaster on the smile, look happy and confident. The trick with that it, the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Mil won't want a scene at a happy event any more than you, so don't worry that she will try anything.

Bullies are cowards. x

I've got to agree with Perfumed.

If my MIL actually went as far as seeking legal counsel to see if she could take my DD away from me because of one single argument that would be it for me. Too far, and no coming back from it. That's not just heat of the moment, it's calculated.

If my mum fell out with my DH, then told me she was going for custody of my DD and she didn't care if she never spoke to me again then that would be it for our relationship too.

You're not being petty, she's being wicked.

forehead, i think that's what my schoolteacher meant when she said i had 'an unusual turn of phrase'!

Seriously, don't back down, never apologise, never explain, it doesn't work with her type.

Actually, I'd be surprised if your DH wants to take your DD over to them at the christening, is he not absolutely furious with her?

Why on earth would you let your DH take your DD to see them - she is threatening to take her off you? It sounds awful for you. I would apologise for calling her names to regain the moral high ground but tell her in the next breathe that you can't possibly let her see DD any more because of what she has threatened. Sounds to me she dislikes you because she is worried that eventually you will take her DS and her DGC back to America - hence the custody thing. You poor thing.

I am 12 years in to living next door to my mother in law. For me the polite period lasted a year, so you have held on for much longer :) Then I exploded.

After the explosion there was a long bumpy set of years during which I had to learn to protect myself and how to act in ways which ensure I get the best out of the living situation rather than the worst!

All I can say is that I feel as if I am married to her, ie I know all her faults and she knows mine...At least I know where I stand and I know how to reboot the relationship every time it goes wrong.

So I'm encouraging you to find the level of relationship with your in laws which is healthy for you right now. Change it in the future whenever you need to.

TooJung you deserve an award. You've served twelve years. Any chance of parole.?

You'd serve less for murder!

Clytaemnestra and Paddypoooants - He is mad at her but he looks at it like she is delusional, she'll never get custody or visitation and that "that is just how she is". If I'm honest I wish he'd tell her to piss off but he won't, or at least it hasn't gotten to that point yet.

She is ill, a few months ago she had a tumor removed from her gall bladder and it was confirmed that it was cancerous but the doctors said that they had gotten it all. She is now saying that she thinks the cancer is back and has gone back to the doctor who is going to run some more tests. She keeps my DH in check by saying things to him like "I know you don't care about the stress this is putting on me but I threw up blood all night last night". My hard heart doesn't believe a word of that because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if the woman was throwing up blood ALL NIGHT my FIL would have had her in A & E in no time. It is just her way of keeping my DH feeling sorry for her. Now I know she may very well be ill, she did have a tumor removed but making my DH feel guilty for standing up for his pregnant wife because she is ill is not on. She keeps telling him she thinks she is dying or going to die soon so of course he is trying not to upset her too much.

She actually texted him the other day telling him that her doctor told her to tell both of us to back off from her because the stress we are putting on her is preventing her body from recovering. FFS

perfumedlife is spot on.

Do the kindness overkill with your mil when you see her. I do this with my mil and she hates it but she can hardly say "stop being so nice to me". I compliment her on her hair/clothes/handbags/shoes. It's all a big fat lie but it works and gives me complete control of the situation. Everyone else can see me being charm personified but tbh it's all part of my attempt to maintain my sanity!

Wow - just seen your post re the tumour. She really is the queen of emotional blackmail. I'm surprised you don't up sticks to the States right now!

Please don't apologise to her or let DH take DD over to see her at the christening UNLESS the custody threat is withdrawn. Otherwise she will just feel the way to cow you and DH into submission is to go ballistic with nasty threats.

It doesn't matter that the threat is meaningless, it should not have been made. DH can go and speak to them, by all means, not least to tell them to take it back, but I would not rush to apologise until she resiles from the legal threats.

I would cut my mother, or my mil, off completely over the custody thing.

There is absolutely no way I would be apologising with that ludicrous threat being (as it sounds) the last 'episode'. Am I right in thinking that this statement was made after your text offering an olive branch? I would be UTTERLY LIVID at anyone making that kind of threat to me, and they would feel my wrath! And rightly so - even if made as a dramatic gesture, you just can't WORK with that kind of behaviour - you certainly can't rebuild a relationship from there (nor should you want to imo). She claims she's SOUGHT legal counsel? And you are seriously considering saying the word sorry to her?!

Others are right in saying that your apologising in these circumstances will be taken as some kind of admission of fault for the whole thing, or (worse) as that you're scared that she might carry out her 'threat'. She's overstepped the mark so massively that as PL says, all bets are off right now until she's UTTERLY apologised and been made to see how far she's crossed the line (about three hundred miles further than calling someone a 'fucking bitch'). Even that probably won't mend things properly.

It's time for your DH to step up too, otherwise this won't get sorted in the right way, ever. So, he has warned her that you will cut her off if she tries anything like this, and she says she doesn't care? Well that shows you her true colours, so you carry that right out, and call her bluff. I would suggest that you discuss it with your DH and that he call her and say that you've discussed the situation and that neither of you want a mother or grandmother who would threaten such things in your lives. Tell her that her actions show quite clearly that she loves her petty, controlling threats more than she loves her granddaughter, and that therefore HER PARENTS have decided that she isn't a good person to be around her. That neither of her parents will accept FOR ONE MOMENT another adult threatening legal action against the sanctity of their family group. And goodbye.

The christening ISN'T more important than this. Ideally, you want your daughter to have a loving grandmother, and your husband to have a good relationship with his mother, and for you to be able to maintain that after you move to the US. Letting this slide won't help sort this out. More likely, especially as you have been a bit of a pushover (!) in the past, you'll go to the christening, there'll be grudging chit-chat, it will all be forgotten. And she will have got away with treating the both of you appallingly, and will be confident that she can do the same next time with no great ill effect.

Your DH is right, you need to stick up for yourself - but so does he, in a really MAJOR way here. Her threat is against both of you, and what she is saying is 'I am the Big Parent. You are still the Little Parents and you will Not Disobey Me.' You BOTH need to say a big fat NO to this in the strongest terms possible. Good luck!!

Perfumed is absolutely right . Be kind to the old hag , so she can't blame you for her illness.

Cancer or not, the poisonous old bitch shouldn't be making such threats.

Manipulative, toxic people often play the poor health card to get their own way.

Bet you a pound to a pinch of shit that at the bottom of her black heart she is terrified that you will one day take DH and DD to live in America.

The irony of it is, I suppose, that the more pernicious she is to you, the more likely it is that you will indeed decide that things are better at home.

I took it as a given there would be no visits to grandma while the custody threat is still hanging. Surely there is no way your dh will take your dd over there? Don't allow it. It's only a few weeks to the christening, if she asks then when she can next see dd, tell her, when she grows up and stops throwing court battles around.

As for her doctors instructions, take that with a pinch of salt. What that tells you is she is bellyaching to anyone who will listen about her evil dil, and they are not interested and trying to tell her to leave it out.

Don't contact her, just see her at the christening. I feel sorry for your dh too, what a load of emotional blackmail she gives him. She should be enjoying the time she has with you all living so near while she can, instead of panicking about the future and the move. Hasn't she heard of planes?

When you text on mothers day, she would have been stunned, that's why you have heard nothing more. She hadn't factored in that you would be warm feeling and mature about the fall out. That doesn't fit with her game plan, evil dil stealing away perfect son. That's why she hasn't replied, it spoiled her fight somewhat. She made no more moves to you, and went straight to her main man. Her son.

When your dh wants to stand up to her, let him.

Have just read your post re. illness - ah, the Illness Card - tick - like so many other similar threads. So, not only bossy and entitled but manipulative too.

Others are underlining the seriousness of the custody thing. Your DH needs to see this (and the manipulation for what it is). The fact that it's 'delusional' is NOT THE POINT. It's the fact that she could even consider saying such a thing. How DARE she feel entitled to undermine your place as parents like that? She has no respect for you, bottom line. You won't get her respect (and therefore be able to truly repair any relationship) by appeasing her (and that includes listening to any manipulative stories). She's basically said she thinks she has the right to take your OWN CHILD off you. Mama Tiger needs to come out, right now!

Tell her where to go. If she wheedles out of this playing the illness card, that'll be just another tactic she uses later on too. Call her on all of it, now. Then you just might have a chance of repairing things to the stage where you can still be in touch with them from the States without it being a bone of contention between you and your DH.

Ah, that will teach me to read more carefully - have just seen your post saying that you do want to go back.