Done to death I know, but help me see if I am the one in the wrong - MIL issues

[dana4nyc]

I am very sorry to be doing yet another MIL thread but I really need some guidance here.

There is a long backstory here so I will do my very best to be as detailed as possible and not go on and on.

I moved to the UK 3 years ago after meeting my DH in May of 2007. I am American and we met in the states as he was on a detachement with the RAF. I came to visit him in England twice and his mother was nice as pie during those visits. When I moved over in April 2008 we had to live with them for approx. 1 month before we could move into our RAF accomodation. It was a difficult time as my MIL's father was ill at the time and passed away 4 days after my arrival. This could have contributed to her behavior with me but when it was just me & MIL in the house she would not speak to or look at me but once DH & FIL were home she acted fine with me. This was hard on me and I was quite a mess as I was in a new country with no friends or blood family and I was feeling very uncomfortable in my new surroundings.

Fast forward to now, 3 years later. My MIL & I have managed to have an OK relationship but there have been several things that she has said & done to me over the course of the past 3 years that have hurt me very badly and I have finally lost the plot and we have had the mother of all rows. Here are the things that have been said to me:

1. "All of my friends think you have changed since getting together with dana4nyc, and not for the better" - This was said in front of me & DH only a few days after my arrival in the UK
2. "(DH's name) has never treated me as badly as he has since he has been with you" - This was said only to me while DH was away on another detachement. I was also very heavily pregnant at the time.
3. "You are the reason that (DH's name) was the ONLY one not present at the death of my father" - This was said in front of me & FIL. Side note We left the day before he passed away after DH has said his final goodbyes as the nurses told the family he would not make it through the night. DH did not want to be there when he took his final breath.
4. On 2 separate occasions she has snatched my DD (and yes they were deliberate snatches) out of my arms. One time was at a family wedding in which my DH was not in attendance. The second occasion was at my DD's 1 birthday party. On the second occasion she took DD away from me and immediately gave her to DH. It is important to note that on either occasion DD was not crying or in distress at all. MIL just didn't want me to have her.
5. On the day of DD's 1st birthday party MIL walked into our home and spoke to everyone in the house except for me. She did not speak more than 5 words to me for the entire day.

As this is getting to be a novel, the gist is that after living with being treated this was for far too long I snapped after she left a particulary snarky comment on my Facebook page. I finally stood up for myself by replying to her rather rude comment and deleted her as my friend. This turned into a massive row with her calling the house that night screaming down the phone at me and I saw red. I called her a f&%!? b*!%? and told her to stay away from me and my DD. She is now threatening to take us to court to get custody of DD. I know she is delusional regarding this but I am beyond livid that she would even threaten such a thing. She can hate me all she wants but to threaten me as a mother has made me so angry I can't think straight.

So my question is this - Am I justified in being angry? I feel at this point in time that I do not ever want to see her again nor do I want my DD to see her because I don't feel that I can trust her not to a) Say terrible things about me to DD and b) There is a small part of me that is scared the woman might put DD in a car and just drive off somewhere because she has made it clear she doesn't think I deserve DD. Once I have calmed down and am not so angry anymore I think I might be willing to let DH take DD to see MIL & FIL for a few hours every once in a while but he is not to leave DD alone with them.

There is a bit more detail to the story including an incident where FIL had a go at me and several comments they made regarding my parenting after DD was born but if you have gotten this far I really appreciate it.

I am also pregnant with DC2 and the stress of this situation in wreaking havoc on me emotionally as well as physically.

Please help me see if I am blowing things majorly out of proportion.

Many Thanks

Oops not kept up to speed...having dealt with similar behaviour from my family you get an instinct for a person not quite all there...sounds bit like a narc or borderline personality disorder...there are books and websites and theisis written about people like your mil. Chin up, get back home and get back to normality. And I would not even do one last visit, give an inch they will take 1000 miles...seriously. The drama, the tension the hysterical pleading with your dh for just one more visit...and at the airport...purlease...tell her to get on her broomstick. Your dh needs to support you and dc 100% not 50%. You are his future, not sick mother (mentally sick).

Now please go and rest and have a nice non alcholic cocktail or something...and stand firm to dh. Your pg, you and baby (and dd) come first. Not your hysterical, controlling mil. (mental age of 6 too by the sounds of it ...)

Oh Dana

I cannot stress this enough but your marriage almost hangs in the balance in how your dh deals with this now. The next year is one of huge change and emotion, plus the physical distance between you and him. If there is simmering resentment left over as to his avoidence of issues, it can really crack the whole edifice.

I have a great marriage, adore my dh, he adores us but two years I told him that ds and I would pack our bags and go if he didn't stand up to his mother over an issue we had, something to do with my dh's ex wife, Mil's ex dil. My dh isn't keen on confrontation, knows his mothers nature is one of loyal to whoever she is with at that moment and therefor futile trying to get her to see sense. My point was, although that may be true, I would not be silenced in my home over an issue driven by her and an exwife who was long gone before dh and I even met. I was happy to speak to mil, and did. I fear no one. But I needed him to speak too, I needed Mil (and by default, ex wife) to see that their vileness would not go unchallenged. I was not going to be held to ransome by her, or ex wife. I had several years of step parenting ahead of me, it was important to lay down clear boundries.

I could see the fear in my dh's eyes when I told him, he could see the determination in my eyes to follow it through. Thank god he did speak up. Had he not, my respect for him would have died that day, and shortly after, our marriage.

I really hope your dh gets it together. The offer to come to your home to see dd is a more than generous one, provided she apologises and retracts the custody threat. Stand firm my lovely, you are doing the right thing.

Right then.

I said upthread that I thought you'd over-reacted to the facebook comment. I've read your posts since then, and I just want you to know that I am sorry I said that, and I was wrong. You've been accomodating and forgiving and have suffered hurt, and your reaction, given all the bullshit from the past, was not an over-reaction.

Sorry I got it wrong. :( Hope you're okay.

That was really nice of you ConstanceFelicity. I think the op will appreciate you saying that.

Dana, I hope you don't feel overwhelmed by my statement of how serious this seems to me. It may be just the way it seems to me, with my nature, and my knowledge of how far I can be pushed. I hope you and your dh can have a talk about the way forward, calmly.

At the end of the day, this time next year all this will be a distand memory! God, i wish I had the Atlantic between me and my Mil.

Dana - your MIL seems to be an extreme version of my MIL. I coped with "helpful comments" from my MIL for years - I've been marrried to DH for 13 years. She never said or did much when DH was around, but when it was just the pair of us I got ignored. I dreaded going to visit MIL and used to get in a real state about it. finally, I took the plunge and told DH about how she made me feel and explained some the incidents he had not witnessed. My DH was shocked by his mother's behaviour, but very supportive. He then started to notice things about his mother's behaviour - like never speaking directly to me , always referring to me as "she" even if was in the same room. DH has pulled his mum up a couple of times now when he's witnessed this behaviour.

what I'm trying to say is that you must let your DH know what has happened in the past when he has not been around. it will help him understand why the face book thing wasthe last straw. You need to be honest with each other, only then can your DH get the full picture and help and support you. You've been trying too hard to be nice to this cow I expect as she's you DH's mum. Just be honest and make it clear how hard it has been for you. Once he knows the full story I am sure he will be agreat support to you.

By the way I now have the Pacific Ocean between me and my MIL!

You all really are truly wonderful people and I cannot thank you enough for the support and encouragement you have all given me over the last few days. And thank youConstanceFelicity, I do know that the name I called her was vile and I am sorry for it, but I can't help that I was pushed to that point. I guess it's probably the pregnancy hormones that contributed to me exploding like that because I more than likely never would have even typed a response to her comment on FB had my whole emotional psyche been in turmoil. I was pretty hormonal during the first trimester of my last pregnancy but I seem to be worse this time around (I wonder if that means I'm having a DS?) :)

DH and I had a bit of another falling out over the phone last night because I finally told him that I have had enough of being walked over anf treated like dirt and that these past 3 years have been beaten my self-esteem and self-worth to an all time low. I essentially told him that it's time to choose, me or her. I don't mean cutting her out of his life by saying that, I meant either put the woman in her place and tell her exactly how she has made me feel and that he won't stand for it any longer OR me and him will go our separate ways. There was still a bit of dithering on his part but after I got off the phone (quite angrily) he sent me a text later saying "I Love You. Forever." So, hopefully he has finally gotten the picture. I also told him that I will not stand for him to take DD to see her GP's without me as that will be giving her exactly what she wants so if they want to see DD before she & I leave it will be at our home while I am present. They don't have to speak to me at all but I will be here and I will be listeneing and watching.

But, I have my scan this morning. DH is sad that he can't be with me. I am trying to get excited about it but so far no luck. Maybe seeing it for the first time will bring it home for me.

Thank you all again for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I wish that I had had friends like you all while I was living here, maybe life here would have turned out so differently than the way it has.

Dana - well done. I felt absolutely rubbish, all day every day, at 12 weeks pregnant - and I had none of these issues to contend with and a husband who was utterly supportive. I really feel for you, you are coping with a hell of a lot right now, so to put your foot down - I salute you!

I'm sure that everyone on here will agree that you're doing the right thing. You are keeping your dignity, you are still keeping the door open - there's really nothing here that your DH can pick up and use to say 'Oooh, but it's not fair..' - you are being very fair, you are still being GENEROUS - so stick firmly to your guns. I would expect him to wriggle a fair bit though! My advice on this would be to adopt a broken-record technique once the wriggling starts - 'No, I have decided that it will be detrimental to DD to allow MIL to see her without me there. No, MIL has no right to see DD which trumps my right to veto someone who treats our family like this. No, there is no argument to be had - I have very generously offered MIL a second olive branch and the opportunity to resolve this, the onus is on her. Yes, I expect an apology and if I don't get it, I will assume that she is an enemy of the happiness of our family and will not want to keep in touch with her, or to have DD influenced by her.' Just keep saying it. And in the face of any wheedling out of speaking to them - 'I understand that it is hard for you, but they have forced the issue, and it is now not possible for you not to show whose side you are on.' And repeat.

So, so hard though. Just keep the belief that not only are you RIGHT, but you are actually sticking your neck out to - ultimately- IMPROVE things for the future relationships of ALL the family, MIL included. This needs to be resolved, and you have taken some brave steps now down the only path which WILL resolve it.

Good luck at the scan today!! x

Hope all goes well for you, OP.

It´s truly sad to hear of an adult bending over backwards to please a parent, when it should be the parent crawling over broken glass to make amends.

The "power", for want of a better term should be all with your husband.

It´s also sad when MILs are so desperate to not "lose" their sons, that they end up driving a wedge between him & his wife.

yes, good luck. I think you have been amazing...it takes such a lot to stand up to families like this. I hope DH begins to understand what you are feeling and gives you the support you deserve...

Shoutyhamster's broken record approach works very well, definitely the approach to take. Try not to make it a her or you thing - make it a healthy family life or an unhealthy family life choice.

The bonkers thing about these silly women is that they are self-sabotaging. You sound like a good person and your MIL is lucky to get you - your one of those really accommodating daughter-in-laws. You know - happy to turn a blind eye to eccentricities of husband's family for the sake of peace, happy to have them fully included in your family life, go the extra mile to include them in grandchildren's activities, pretty tolerant. Oh and not to mention the love of her son's life - lucky in itself!! She could have had a lovely relationship with you and her grandkids and her son.

Its just so bonkers - they have exactly what they want and then sabotage it. I'm sure there is some psychological reason for it all. I sometimes wonder if my MIL actually somewhere deep down didn't want contact with my husband and my kids, I dunno, its just odd to behave in a way which ensures contact will be lost while saying loudly and often how much seeing the grandkids is so important to them.

Enjoy your scan today, it really is such a lovely lovely time. You will resolve all these issues. Your husband will come through for you. It'll all work out, really - it will.

Hope all went well with the scan. Expend your emotional energy thinking about your babies and not your mil. Your brain can only hold one thought at a time so make it a good one!

Oh and you've not left yet so we can still be friends

Yes come and let us know how the scan went! Yes us - all the tiny little new friends who live inside the computer

Hi guys!!! Well I'm home from the scan and all is well! I am 10 + 3 and due on 6 Nov. I never said this out loud before today, it was only a thought in my head, but I was fully prepared today to be told that the baby had not made it. I in no way wanted this but what with the stress I have been under and I have a family history of my mother & maternal grandmother suffering several miscarriages each I was almost expecting it. I am thrilled beyond belief that little peanut's heart was beating strongly today and he/she was wriggling about like crazy. I feel connected now to this precious life inside me and I am so happy about that. I cannot let anything trump this new baby and the fact that DD is going to be a big sister! There is nothing more important in this world than keeping me, baba and DD healthy and happy and from this point on that is what I intend to do!!!!!

great news

x

Congratulations!!

There is nothing more important in this world than keeping me, baba and DD healthy and happy and from this point on that is what I intend to do!!!!!

Good for you Dana.

that's fantastic! Am really happy for you :)

So glad it went well Dana!

:) from me too, great news.

I have not read all of the comments, but this is my take, and what I would do. I may be barking up the wrong tree though.

It sounds to me that she is competitive with you, considers herself your superior, and wants to "keep you in your place". She is probably the sort of person's who's ego you need to feed, and expects you to "look up to her".

Personally, I would keep contact to a minimum, and say as little as possible to her, but try and be polite, if that is possible.

She clearly has low intelligence, or she would know that snide comments backfire. If she wants her family looking after her in old age, she needs to be nice to the wife of her son and mother of her grandchildren.

Congratulations, just read your post on scan. xx

'peanut'...I like that

excellent news, happy new beginnings

good news