Done to death I know, but help me see if I am the one in the wrong - MIL issues

[dana4nyc]

I am very sorry to be doing yet another MIL thread but I really need some guidance here.

There is a long backstory here so I will do my very best to be as detailed as possible and not go on and on.

I moved to the UK 3 years ago after meeting my DH in May of 2007. I am American and we met in the states as he was on a detachement with the RAF. I came to visit him in England twice and his mother was nice as pie during those visits. When I moved over in April 2008 we had to live with them for approx. 1 month before we could move into our RAF accomodation. It was a difficult time as my MIL's father was ill at the time and passed away 4 days after my arrival. This could have contributed to her behavior with me but when it was just me & MIL in the house she would not speak to or look at me but once DH & FIL were home she acted fine with me. This was hard on me and I was quite a mess as I was in a new country with no friends or blood family and I was feeling very uncomfortable in my new surroundings.

Fast forward to now, 3 years later. My MIL & I have managed to have an OK relationship but there have been several things that she has said & done to me over the course of the past 3 years that have hurt me very badly and I have finally lost the plot and we have had the mother of all rows. Here are the things that have been said to me:

1. "All of my friends think you have changed since getting together with dana4nyc, and not for the better" - This was said in front of me & DH only a few days after my arrival in the UK
2. "(DH's name) has never treated me as badly as he has since he has been with you" - This was said only to me while DH was away on another detachement. I was also very heavily pregnant at the time.
3. "You are the reason that (DH's name) was the ONLY one not present at the death of my father" - This was said in front of me & FIL. Side note We left the day before he passed away after DH has said his final goodbyes as the nurses told the family he would not make it through the night. DH did not want to be there when he took his final breath.
4. On 2 separate occasions she has snatched my DD (and yes they were deliberate snatches) out of my arms. One time was at a family wedding in which my DH was not in attendance. The second occasion was at my DD's 1 birthday party. On the second occasion she took DD away from me and immediately gave her to DH. It is important to note that on either occasion DD was not crying or in distress at all. MIL just didn't want me to have her.
5. On the day of DD's 1st birthday party MIL walked into our home and spoke to everyone in the house except for me. She did not speak more than 5 words to me for the entire day.

As this is getting to be a novel, the gist is that after living with being treated this was for far too long I snapped after she left a particulary snarky comment on my Facebook page. I finally stood up for myself by replying to her rather rude comment and deleted her as my friend. This turned into a massive row with her calling the house that night screaming down the phone at me and I saw red. I called her a f&%!? b*!%? and told her to stay away from me and my DD. She is now threatening to take us to court to get custody of DD. I know she is delusional regarding this but I am beyond livid that she would even threaten such a thing. She can hate me all she wants but to threaten me as a mother has made me so angry I can't think straight.

So my question is this - Am I justified in being angry? I feel at this point in time that I do not ever want to see her again nor do I want my DD to see her because I don't feel that I can trust her not to a) Say terrible things about me to DD and b) There is a small part of me that is scared the woman might put DD in a car and just drive off somewhere because she has made it clear she doesn't think I deserve DD. Once I have calmed down and am not so angry anymore I think I might be willing to let DH take DD to see MIL & FIL for a few hours every once in a while but he is not to leave DD alone with them.

There is a bit more detail to the story including an incident where FIL had a go at me and several comments they made regarding my parenting after DD was born but if you have gotten this far I really appreciate it.

I am also pregnant with DC2 and the stress of this situation in wreaking havoc on me emotionally as well as physically.

Please help me see if I am blowing things majorly out of proportion.

Many Thanks

Bloody well said ShoutyHamster.

But thank you all for your input. I feel loads better just hearing the perspective of non-biased parties. I hope that one day soon I won't be thinking about this situation on a constant basis. I have so much to be thankful for and a new baby on the way. What should be an exciting and happy time has been marred by this but I am looking forward to getting past it, whether MIL reconcile or not.

At this point I feel so disconnected to the pregnany. I have my first scan this Wednesday and I hope seeing the little baba on the screen with give me a brighter outlook.

Why should mil get to see your dd. All that will show her is that she can have what she wants, which is her ds and your dd. I hate to say this, but she has to know that bad behaviour has consequences. Let's be honest, she couldn't give a toss whether she sees you or not. She should not be allowed to see your dd imo.

Sorry for the bad grammar, I am feeling a bit tired at the mo and DD has been a little terror this afternoon. Looking foward to bedtime! :)

Good post SH

Oh Dana, good luck with the scan. A new little baby, that's wonderful. Don't let the wicked witch spoil it, your family is more important.

All the advice about detaching and drawing firm boundaries is good. Remember that your happiness is as important as everyone else's.

yeah perfumedlife, your right re contact, even if the threat is just nonsense.

The fact that she's made it clear she doesn't want a relationship with you Dana is all very good for you, it allows you an out of making any further effort.

It's such an exciting time for you as a wee family. Just don't let her in to mess it all up.

Hi, just read through...

I don't think you have over reacted at the FB thing. I know exactly how that implied tone works...the kind of passive/aggressive insulting jibes that can't quite be pinned on her or would be taken lightly by your DH...and can be made to look like you are the one over reacting.

If you go to this christening then be prepared...for instance, if she grabs DD off you, just take her back and say something like DD would prefer to stay wih me around so many strangers. And have friends around you at all times.

I would agree that you should be very very wary until that custody comment is lifted and she has apologised

Lastly, she sounds like a sad desparate old bag who is scared she will be losing her son and grandchildren to oversees and cannot react in any way accept with this awful behaviour. You've kind of got to pity her really...a different way of reacting and it could have all been so much better for her.

Good luck with the scan Dana, and don't let the old boot grind you down. A minute in your thoughts is a minute wasted.

Something to think about, if she doesn't retract her "threat" about custody, is what might happen when you do , as a family, go (back) to the States.

My parents had some issues with my mum's parents, to the extent that, when they were in the porcess of emigrating from South Africa, my godmother's mother (who had been a good "older lady" friend to my mum) had to give my parents her personal guarantee that nothing would happen if my grandparents were told when we were leaving.

My mum and dad were genuinely concerned that her parents would come up with something dramatic to stop them leaving. A wee bit of a different situation in the South Africa of the 60s (which was when this happened), where my dad had a secret service file on him 'cos he had been vociferous in his opposition to apartehid (he saw a copy on the passenger seat of the car of a guy who came asking about the farm being for sale - when the only people who knew that they were leaving were my father's mother - who was fine with it - and my mum's parents ), so the potential threat was not an empty one.

However, it's really not a hassle you want - so you do need to clear the air on this. Even if there is nothing that she can do - she has already rattled you :(

Agree with Atilla. DO NOT give in to this woman. ANYONE who threatened to take my child from me would be cut out of my life so quickly they'd have motion sickness.

And with regard to you calling her a fucking bitch, I have to admire your insight!

Thanks Rhinestone :)

She has yet again gone attention seeking on Facebook as of last night. She made her status "26 March since I last saw DD's name......miss her soooooo much it hurts" and that in turn elicited a slew of sympathetic responses from loads of her friends saying things like how cruel we are and how we need to realise that we are depriving that poor child of her wonderful loving GP's. One friend even wrote that she has been researching on the internet and that GP's rights are "very comprehensive". I mean good lord, it's only been 2 weeks!!! The IL's have gobe longer without seeing her when we weren't fighting! She is so pathetic it makes me sick.

My DH even got sent an abuse private message on FB last night from the daughter of the lady that made the comment about GP's rights. She called him a wanker and money grabbing and said that she would never treat his lovely mum the way he has treated her. I mean WTF? We don't even know this girl!!!! My DH sent her an almost apologetic message back telling her that she didn't know the full story. I couldn't believe it, it's like he's rolling over and just allowing people to shit all over him and in turn, shit all over me & DD.

DH has texted me this morning saying that he is going to discuss this with his mother but face to face. So, since he works away all week it only leaves the weekend to get this accomplished. This coming weekend is out because MIL & FIL are going to Scotland. Next weeked is Easter weekend and I really wanted the 3 of us to spend a nice holiday weekend together. Then, the weekend after that is the christening so I don't know when he expects to have this "face to face" discussion.

But, on a brighter note, a very positive breakthrough has been made in moving back to the states. It looks like DD & I will be able to go home by June. We were going to wait to move until after DC2 is born at the end of this year but I just cannot wait that long. I was having a hard time finding medical insurance in the states (as I will not be going into a job once I get there) and this was prohibiting our going home. But yesterday my Dad found an insurance agent that will cover me, DD & DC2 as well as all maternity costs for less than what we would be paying a month in rent here in the UK. So, the ball is starting to roll to get me & DD away from toxic MIL. DH will stay based in the UK but when he is not out at sea he will come to the states to visit. The company that he has just started to work for do have bases in the US and hopefully after he has worked with them for a year or so he can begin the transition of moving to one of their US offices.

great news!!! Go asap and get the hell away from this woman.... (you should send that FB woman a link to this thread to balance up her opinion.)

form lovely GP read old hag

Sorry to read that you were the recipients of such awful messages.

Again what MIL has done here is par for the course when it comes to toxic inlaws. Ignore completely (would not have replied to any of these messages) and remove yourselves from Facebook after reporting all the abusive content to them. If you don't do that at the very least reset your security settings to such pages to a greater level than current. You really don't need such nonsense via the net coming into your home.

I don't for one minute think his mother is going to listen to any reasoned argument he presents to her. His Dad also does not sound any better and will likely side with her too.

I agree that a "face to face" sounds like a complete waste of time.

Random strangers insulting you on FB

Maybe when you move away your ILs will visit as often as mine-never.

(10yrs & counting!)

DH & I have just had a mini row over the phone. He was telling me that he was going to take DD to see the IL's a few times before she & I leave and that he wanted them to be at the airport. I have told him that I DO NOT want them at the airport as it will make a sad situation tense and awkward. I also told him that I would agree to him taking DD to see them one time and no more. He told me to stop being so cold hearted!!! I ended up hanging up on him. He is sad because he's saying that he will be losing all of his family (me, DD & DC2 to the states and falling out with his mom & dad). I got tired of his dithering and told him to not fall out with them then but he wasn't bullying me into letting them see DD any more than that because I honestly feel like they don't deserve it! His mother is slagging off her own son to anyone who will listen and he thinks she deserves to spend time with our precious little girl????? I told him that it's not like she threatened to take our dog away from me, she threatened to take my child off me!! How he doesn't understand how that makes me feel is beyond me.

Good point Attila....otherwise she wouldn't have gotten away with it for so long. its probably quite a shock for her to be challenged

Yes, FIL has pandered to MIL their entire marriage. In the IL's house it's very clearly 'all MIL's way or no way'. MIL does cook but FIL does everything else, and I mean everything. She will even leave her plate on the table once she is done eating for FIL to take through to the kitchen. I mean really, how hard is it to take your own plate through and empty it into the bin? But yes, she isn't used to being challenged and FIL will be on her side 100%.

that, right there, is your basic underlining problem. You have not fallen in line and are therefore a threat. She's a silly woman!

Not much advice about your latest developments, I'm afraid! The bottom line is, you are getting away soon and she will have lost a great deal. good luck

You won't change her or other people behaviour towards her. You ARE getting away thank goodness so just grin and bear this last little bit. Let your DH do what he needs to do to feel he has done his best by his mum, otherwise he will feel guilty and probably struggle not to bring that into your relationship.

And when you are on the plane, party your socks off.

Dana,

All this is ultimately about power and control. Your MIL wants her own way all the time and her H is the bystander within her own dysfunctional family
unit. All of her actions are about wanting power and control; she is also trying the divide and conquer tactic here.

I hope you have reported the offensive comments made on FB; after you've done that remove yourselves from that particular website. At the very least block all these awful people from accessing your pages and upgrade the current security settings to a higher level.

Both your DH and you need to present a united front with regards to his parents. His parents are patently not the nice and kind people he thought they are but a lifetime of conditioning towards him on their part also plays a role. He has not been fully aware of what they are really like till now (and they would have acted the same regardless of whom your DH married) and he needs to confront them on their actions. Problem is I do not think he is strong enough to do so currently (lifetime of conditioning).

His primary loyalty is to you his wife and by turn his own family unit. Not his parents now.

I don't think he knows at all what to do next hence his actions seemingly being all over the place (he is still planning to take DD over to his parents despite all that has happened) but the two of you rowing is not going to help. There needs to be discussion between the two of you without rancour.

You need to read "Toxic Inlaws"

I would be worried about leaving your DH in this situation. It sounds like he's a bit of a pushover/people pleaser and with everyone he knows against you, is there any possibility of him becoming alienated from you once you're gone, and deciding not to follow you to the US? Be careful about allowing this situation to break up your family unit. Can't he get a transfer sooner so you can all move together?

Oh, and get a babysitter for the christening day so you don't have to take your dd. It would be awful if your friend's child's special day were to be ruined by a row.

And get off Facebook!

AtillaTheMeerkat - You are absolutely right on all counts. MIL has been blocked from my FB page and I am not friends with anyone who said any of those comments. All of these things were said on MIL's page and I only knew about it after DH told me. Once he told me I logged into FB as DH and was able to read it all as DH is friends with MIL but none of the other people. I do have my privacy settings on the highest level and even though I am friends with DH's family in Scotland they have been blocked from seeing my status updates, wall & photos so that nothing can be reported back to MIL.

I know what you mean about it not helping if we row but we are in such different places in regards to this situation. They way I feel I never want to see MIL's & FIL's face ever again and if I do it will be too soon but he is struggling with cutting them out completely. I really do fear that this will come so far between us that we won't be able to come back from it. DH feels pressure from me to cut them out even though I am trying not to pressure him too much, I just don't see any other way. I know that we are leaving and maybe I should just suck it up and let him take DD to see them but god just the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach.

wellwisher - You make a good point. I love DH but if he can't see how poisonious his parents are and he decides to take their side and not come to the states with me & the kids then I feel that we would all be better off without him. I don't think that would happen though, I know DH loves me and DD & DC2 more than anything. I just hope he gets the backbone he needs sooner rather than later.

Hi again

I think you and your husband need to have a very clear discussion and very quickly. It really does have the potential to drive a wedge between you. Remember that this woman might be the only other woman in the world who knows your husband better than you and she will know exactly which buttons to push and in which order to get the best result.

Your husband may not actually realise what is going on and he might not be able to see it very clearly for quite some time. Its a very complex relationship (stating the obvious) and while you are able to see things from a step back position he may have lived all his life thinking his mother is wonderful etc etc. I know in my own life, it took quite some time for my husband to see what was going on and to be honest, the opening of his eyes was really awful to watch, it kind of broke his heart in a way. Fortunately, I wasn't involved in the eye opening, it all came from his mum so I couldn't be blamed.

The facebook message is just gone very far over the line of acceptable. It is so aggressive and its a very clear message that she has no intention of sorting things out. She has just ramped things up.

It is all to do with "getting in line". You are not willing to do that. You have "outed" her and therefore threatened her position. She will do what she can to have you out of her family. And if she is anything like my MIL there will be lie upon lie upon lie. Truth has no meaning other than as a move in the game.

And I might be wrong, (I always had this suspicion with mine) that actually, while you are stressed to the max and fighting with your husband, your MIL is enjoying this drama and it is bringing her and her husband closer. In the end, the more stressed you are and the more you fight with your husband over this the more she is winning the game.

I would think long and hard over how and what you want to say to your husband. I would stick to facts. Your MIL has been quite open in her "declaration of war" if you like. I would go through each openly aggressive thing she has done, explain how it has made you feel and try and have him realise just how important his support and loyalty is for you to be able to deal with it. I also found a rule of honesty important. I insisted that if my MIL contacted my husband he had to tell me about it which sounds over the top and I would have thought it over the top before I experienced the underhandedness. I know my MIL always tried to create "secrets" with my husband and her, I've since discovered that this is quite a common technique.

The face to face thing is just an avoidance technique. My husband is expert at it.

Another thing which might be relevant is the passive aggressive stuff. If your MIL is PA and your husband is PA then you might be the conduit for their aggression. You have to be a willing participant in this, if you recognise it you can just step out of the triangle.

You have a fight on your hands. Keep your hands clean, do not let her lead you down any path. Do not engage on any level. Laugh at her facebook stuff - it is truly crazy. When you think of her smile while singing in a funny tune "I have no control over your thoughts or behaviour so I'm disconnecting" while clearly picturing her face. Don't let her mad thoughts into your own.

And keep your eye on the prize - America with your own loving family and friends and her geographically out of the way.