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Relationships

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Original poster

Are you all really having a lot of sex?

172 replies

pinkymum · 11/04/2011 09:05

I am in a happy marriage (!) I think of 21 years. I have two DC (15, 11). DH and I have not had sex for about 3 years, after dwindling rapidly after the kids came along, due mostly to lots of stitching (looked like a patchwork quilt) and noisy second DC who woke all night every night! We love and care for each other. I work part time and run a tight ship, he works rather too much blue collar stuff, gets worried about the mortgage, etc, we are rather normal. However, I cannot believe I am the only wifey who truthfully would rather have good cuppa and a bar of choc than sex. Please tell me the truth????

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 11/04/2011 13:47

Add message | Report | Message poster pinkymum Mon 11-Apr-11 11:55:59
Yes Bloo, I was following on from you. And to be honest I only really wanted to hear from the people NOT having a lot of sex! Not having to suddenly defend myself about my own situ.

See- she didn't want the whole picture- just confirmation that she wAs normal. Which to some posters she was and to others she wasnt .

noddyholder · 11/04/2011 13:48

Possibly a journo looking for information for an article on how relationships can be just as fulfilling without sex and how most people aren't really having much sex anyway!

RumourOfAHurricane · 11/04/2011 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RumourOfAHurricane · 11/04/2011 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MooMooFarm · 11/04/2011 13:49

Pretty dull article me thinks

tadpoles · 11/04/2011 14:04

Well, if you read these boards regularly, there seem to be a lot of people in marriages or long term relationships who are not that bothered about sex. The subject comes up all the time. And it's not just the woman either. I personally know of several married couples who have not had sex for years. And reading between the lines of some of the comments from other couples, I believe that it is very common for couples to go off sex for periods of time. There must be loads of people who just do not have a very high sex drive. Equally, there must be quite a lot of people in relationships where they have gone off sex, or no longer fancy their partner, but for whatever reason do not want to split up.

Another aspect of this which no-one has mentioned is that I would imagine that not everyone wants to be monogamous for a lifetime. They get bored having sex with the same person, so stop bothering. I know it is non PC to say that but - heck, that must happen for some.

I also do not really agree that the OP was particularly off-hand. She was simply trying to find out if there were many people in her situation. The tone of some of the respondents was quite snide. So what if she calls herself wifey, ffs? I do hate some of the snidey bulling brigade on here - so childish and smug.

tadpoles · 11/04/2011 14:05

The should be bullying brigade who love telling other people how they should live their lives.

carmenelectra · 11/04/2011 14:09

pinkymum,

Haven't read all of your thread (yet!) but just wanted to add my thoughts.

I think 3 years is an awfully long time and it seems a shame that you are both missing out on such intimacy at such a young age. However, if you both really are truly happy and are not bothered and I mean really not bothered, then I guess it's fine!

In situations like this though, it always seems to me that one party actually is bothered. Or its a case thatit has been so long, it is some way awkward.

Personally, I would be gutted if my sex drive 'went' and I hope it never does. If this does happen at some point though, I would hope to do something to rectify it.

For the record, I am 40 and have been with my DP for 18 yrs. We have 3 young dc's. My sex drive has increased I would say, in the past few years. We probbaly do it about 3 times a week.

There is nothing wrong with occasionally preffering a cuppa tho, we all have times like that.

carmenelectra · 11/04/2011 14:17

Oh I can see that I came to this thread late. My post a bit pointless now OP bounced off somewhere!

TheSecondComing · 11/04/2011 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noodle69 · 11/04/2011 14:27

I dont think it is normal to go without sex for 3 years. That is very long amount of time. I would be annoyed with my husband if he wanted to go 3 weeks without tbh so I cant see how most people would be happy in this situation.

MooMooFarm · 11/04/2011 14:30

Not surprised with a name like yours

cabbageroses · 11/04/2011 14:40

well, OP I don't believe for a minute that you are not still reading- either as a genuine poster or as a writer looking for info, so here goes.
I know about 4 couples- all women like me, in their 50s, with long marriages.

couple 1- have not had sex for 10 years. She feels no emotional intimacy, they lead pretty much separate lives, and she doesn't miss sex at all. As far as she knows he is faithful.

couple 2- married for yonks, he has a health issue- they have not had sex for years either. she is not bothered.

couple 3- married 25+ years again- have sex now and then, mainly when she can muster the enthusiasm as she feels she ought to, for his sake.

couple 4- maried 25+ years - have sex now and then-variying from 2 times a week to 2 times a month, to none for ages, had a drought with none for years as one of them had a health issue.

I read somewhere that 25% of marriages of 25 years plus are sexless. sexless defined as fewer than 10 sex sessions a year.

my own take on this is that it's whatever keeps everyone happy. I do not agree that one party is always just putting up with it. If you do not have sex your libido eventually shuts down- what you don't have you don't miss, in time.

also, by the time couples have been married for 25-30 yrs the disentangling of finances etc is simply too much so they stay put even if it's not an ideal relationship.

SarahStrattonHasNiceBears · 11/04/2011 16:03

Yes I would love that security. But I never had it in my marriage. XH is a good father but a crap husband.

I like sex. I think this is perfectly normal. I do not think it is normal for a man to not be bothered by a lack of sex for so long in a marriage, no matter what he may say. There is no way my friend would pressurise his wife into having sex with him. Reading between the lines, however, I would say he is ripe for an affair, either EA or PA and I wouldn't be at all surprised if he hadn't already stepped over that boundary already. It is not the sort of thing we would discuss though.

I think you need to take your head out of the sand and sit down and have an honest talk with your DH. You can self justify all you want but IMO that sort of attitude is the sort that ends up with the husband straying and the wife sitting at home wailing and beating her chest and blaming him.

Tough? Yes. Honest? Very. Sex is a fundamental part of a relationship and problems with it need talking about, not brushing under the carpet and assuming that just because you are ok with it your partner is.

Hopefully OP will actually grace us with an answer.

Laquitar · 11/04/2011 17:00

I think it is possible sometimes for both partners to have very low sex drive and be happy. But those couples go to bed together, sleep in each others arms etc.

But those who dont sleep together, and don't hug or kiss imo they are kidding themselves. And they always come with the line 'kids are tiring' or 'most married people lie when they say they have sex'....

NotaMopsa · 11/04/2011 23:07

Have read the whole thread
Am just not sure where the op makes clear that there has been open and honest communication about this with DH and that he is aok with the lesbian bed death situation

sex is fun and a vital part of being human - my view is that even if things are great - they can be better

IWouldNotCouldNotWithAGoat · 11/04/2011 23:23

What a strange and defensive OP

OP, if you're happy never having sex with your husband then what's the issue?

Bit silly to imply the rest of us are lying or your marriage is superior to those of us who still enjoy having sex with our husbands..?

biryani · 12/04/2011 18:43

Hi pinky. I haven't had sex for about 3 years either. We sleep in different bedrooms, and have different sleep habits (he's a latebird, I'm an early). We have a polite but tense relationship. So no, you're not the only one!

madonnawhore · 12/04/2011 19:04

3 years with no sex sounds shit.

I smell a journalist...

SarahStrattonHasNiceBears · 12/04/2011 20:04

Actually I hope it is a journalist. Better that than a deluded wifey.

biryani · 13/04/2011 17:49

I think the OP is just wondering whether a lack of a sex life is "normal" or not. I don't think she's passing judgement on those enjoying sex, just airing the opinion (perhaps?) that there is more to a successful marriage than sex? Or, putting it another way, that it is possible to have a successful marriage without it? There must be plenty of successful relationships that are sexless, where people have perhaps just forgotten about it, especially as they get older?

PS - I'm not a journalist!! Maybe deluded though, Sarah!!

zsazsa123 · 13/04/2011 20:13

dont think sex is be and end all of life ,there are no rules , whatever works for one person be it 10 times a day or once every 10 years !! if you and your partner are happy thats all that matters x

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