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Original poster

Are you all really having a lot of sex?

172 replies

pinkymum · 11/04/2011 09:05

I am in a happy marriage (!) I think of 21 years. I have two DC (15, 11). DH and I have not had sex for about 3 years, after dwindling rapidly after the kids came along, due mostly to lots of stitching (looked like a patchwork quilt) and noisy second DC who woke all night every night! We love and care for each other. I work part time and run a tight ship, he works rather too much blue collar stuff, gets worried about the mortgage, etc, we are rather normal. However, I cannot believe I am the only wifey who truthfully would rather have good cuppa and a bar of choc than sex. Please tell me the truth????

OP posts:
ebbandflow · 11/04/2011 10:09

I am wondering whether it is the menopause that has put pinky off it.

MooMooFarm · 11/04/2011 10:17

Hi - yes sometimes I would just prefer a cup of tea. I should think lots of mums with young (or not so young) DC feel tired lots of the time - particularly at bedtime. In my case I can sometimes go a few days, maybe sometimes a week without missing it, usually around blob time (sorry if TMI!).

But DH definitely doesn't like going that long without it and misses it after a couple of days. And when we don't for a few days, we aren't as 'close' and tend to get more ratty with each other (or maybe that's down to 'blob' time too....).

When we're being more 'regular' our relationship definitely benefits, both ways - we are both more affectionate with each other and there is a closeness there that can be lacking when I've been off it for a few days. To be honest, I can't imagine being in a relationship and not doing it for three years. The thought makes me very Sad, because I struggle to see how a couple can truly be close and intimate without sex being at least part of the equation. To me, it's very important that my DH still finds me attractive and no sex would equal no attraction, in my mind. I LOVE the fact that despite being together many years now, and having young (and teenage) children, we still desire each other in that way. It's that enduring 'chemistry' that sets our relationship apart from any other I've had, along with the other good things too, like being good friends, etc.

Pinkymum do you honestly not miss it at all? Do you never get 'in the mood'? And does DH not miss it? I can't imagine many men would be happy going 3 years without any sex. Sorry for all the questions!
It's just that I too had a bad birth with one of our DC, and we still get woken regularly by our youngest - we also have a teenager who nothing 'gets past'. And I and my DH both work, so life is pretty full on. But I can't imagine stopping having sex because of any of this.

If you are both happy with it - that's fine - I just can't imagine it myself.

Original poster
pinkymum · 11/04/2011 10:26

Ragwort - thank you for your honesty. My DH is not the sort to either make me do something I don't want to, or harbour resentment. Once many years ago I asked him did he mind as it wasn't so frequent, and he said not really. I would not want to do something over and over again that i did not want to, as that would make me resentful. It's like a circle thingy sort of.

OP posts:
MooMooFarm · 11/04/2011 10:28

So pinky did you ever used to enjoy it? I'm just wondering what has made you so sure that you wouldn't enjoy it once you'd got 'in the swing' of it!

Original poster
pinkymum · 11/04/2011 10:29

I am not blaming it on anything, either, certainly not the kids, or time or tiredness, I do realise that if we really wanted to, we would. I go to bed about 10, and he goes to bed about 12. I did used to say, long time ago, if you want to (More romantically, of course) come to bed earlier, and I sort of gave up asking, because it didn't often happen. It made me cross to start off, but then I thought, we he can't want to that much eh? PS It was all much more delicate, just trying to get it down quick.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkymum · 11/04/2011 10:30

Blimey Moo, don't make me out to be an alien. OF COURSE we enjoyed it. I had about 6 partners before marriage, have been at it since 17. Enjoyed all sorts of stuff that would make you lot squirm! Don't make me out to be weird.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkymum · 11/04/2011 10:32

Could it be that Sarah, you are missing not sex, but the secure family life that goes with it? I'm not being rude, I just want to know.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 11/04/2011 10:35

Then what has happened? Do you and your dh still fancy each other? What has changed you and why don't you want to change back?

MooMooFarm · 11/04/2011 10:35

Sorry I didn't mean it to sound that way! It's just that if you did used to enjoy it, I can't see how you wouldn't miss it now. In my mind me & DH will start dropping off the frequency a bit when we're about 70! Maybe that's optimistic Grin

Sorry if I came across wrong!

Original poster
pinkymum · 11/04/2011 10:36

Actually, Drop, I don't fancy anyone anymore. I used to fancy a few people other that DH, at work, etc, but I have noticed, that I don't anymore.

OP posts:
AmandaHolden · 11/04/2011 10:37

Hi OP,

I am a regular, but have name changed.

I could be you Blush

We are similar in age (myself and DH slightly younger) but have been married a bit longer. DC's similar ages also.

DH and I are very very close, he is my soulmate. We met when I was 16. But we also go long periods without sex. The last time was about 3 years also, then we seemed to do it quite often for a period of about 6 weeks and now nothing again, it has been about 4 months since we last did it.

We also have similar bed times like you.

taokiddy · 11/04/2011 10:38

My ex and I slept seperately for years, and had a pretty awful sex life and had no real emotional intimacy either. He went with other women frequently but I can see why.To me its really making love and we hadnt truly love eachother for a long time. Life with my new partner is sooo different. We have a very active, loving and fun sex life. He's very open emotionally, tactile and physically afectionate so it just feels natural and a lovely way to show my feelings.

MooMooFarm · 11/04/2011 10:39

So maybe it's a hormonal thing? Are you menopausal or pre-menopausal? Sorry if this has already been mentioned further back. I remember my mum saying years ago that her 'fancy gland' just switched off when she got to her late 40's, along with other symptoms at the time. She couldn't take HRT for medical reasons, but some of her friends did and their 'fancy gland' switched back on, apparently!

Original poster
pinkymum · 11/04/2011 10:39

Ah at last, dear Amanda, a truthful poster. Thank God. Do you understand me are you on my wavelength? I love DH to bits, don't like when he is not about (work etc) but just don't want rumpy pumpy every blinking week.

OP posts:
taokiddy · 11/04/2011 10:40

By the way we have 7 children between us and hes 45 I'm 37. We both work and have elderly parents to look after too. But where there's a will there's a way :)

JackieBauer · 11/04/2011 10:41

My mother is 65 and when I was buying a new bed I went to have a look at hers and on her bedside table was a bottle of lube. I pointed at it and did a childish giggle ans she said "yes we still rock and roll" those were her exact words!!

Kinda made my day :)

Dropdeadfred · 11/04/2011 10:41

I think it sounds hormone related with you pinkymum because you admit to having lost your general feelings of being attracted to anyone, not just your dh.
Do You still feel attractive?

Original poster
pinkymum · 11/04/2011 10:41

Moo, I am very menopausal, bit grumpy, periods everywhere. Not taking HRT, doc says just get it over with and I agree. Very tired, blah blah. But this is not the reason for it, as I wasn't menopausal until about 6 months ago. I am more interested in how many women, like Amanda, are in my position, rather than "what my problem is" becuase I think that I am not the only one, but perhaps rather the only one who will admit it.

OP posts:
AmandaHolden · 11/04/2011 10:42

Yes, i am on your wave length and totally understand what you are saying.

MooMooFarm · 11/04/2011 10:42

Oh come on pinky you can't really think everybody on here who says they have sex is lying? Why would they be?

You're coming across as a little bit more affected by it than you claim to be IMO!

Dropdeadfred · 11/04/2011 10:43

Pinkymum - you have to admit that 'every blooming week' isvery different to not once in 3 years.

whitevanwoman · 11/04/2011 10:43

Ah at last, dear Amanda, a truthful poster.

do you think everyone else is lying then? Confused

ebbandflow · 11/04/2011 10:43

Pinky-I am really with MooMoo here, as I find it helps me feel attractive and more close to dp.

Original poster
pinkymum · 11/04/2011 10:44

No, I'm not suggesting they are lying, I am asking if there are any people out there who are either doing it but don't want to, or not doing it, and happy about it.

OP posts:
MooMooFarm · 11/04/2011 10:44

Pinky I would see another doc if I were you. Assuming you went to him to discuss your menopause and he told you to 'get it over with'? He sounds terrible and completely disinterested in your well-being!

Why should you have to 'get it over with' if there are alternatives that will make you feel better. Not just talking about the no sex here, but also the grumpyness, period problems, etc - why put up with that if you don't have to?

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