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Original poster

Are you all really having a lot of sex?

172 replies

pinkymum · 11/04/2011 09:05

I am in a happy marriage (!) I think of 21 years. I have two DC (15, 11). DH and I have not had sex for about 3 years, after dwindling rapidly after the kids came along, due mostly to lots of stitching (looked like a patchwork quilt) and noisy second DC who woke all night every night! We love and care for each other. I work part time and run a tight ship, he works rather too much blue collar stuff, gets worried about the mortgage, etc, we are rather normal. However, I cannot believe I am the only wifey who truthfully would rather have good cuppa and a bar of choc than sex. Please tell me the truth????

OP posts:
BlooferLady · 11/04/2011 11:14

Incidentally, imagine my horror when my Mum gently insinuated that she hoped we were having sex for fun, as well as for TTC purposes....oh good lord, I wanted the earth to open up, especially as it became clear that their 5 children were conceived mostly owing to a non-stop sex life

MooMooFarm · 11/04/2011 11:17

I have to say, though, pinky it seems to me you are looking for validation that your way is the 'right' way, almost as if there is something wrong with wanting to have a sex life after children. Why does it have to be that you've 'got it right' - does that mean couples who regularly have sex have got it wrong IYO? How can that be?

BlooferLady · 11/04/2011 11:18

I think she means right 'for them', moo...

WannabeNun · 11/04/2011 11:18

Testing :)

BlooferLady · 11/04/2011 11:21

Oooooo a namechanger Grin

Original poster
pinkymum · 11/04/2011 11:21

No, don't take me so literally. By "you have got it right" I did not mean "right" as in right and wrong, I mean "You have hit the nail on the head" It is a phrase to indicate that person has understood.

OP posts:
MooMooFarm · 11/04/2011 11:23

Ok, fair enough Smile

TheSecondComing · 11/04/2011 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WannabeNun · 11/04/2011 11:25

I had this conversation with DH last week. We've had a few wild patches but sex was never a big deal for us. We have one child and have barely had sex since the dc was born. Now we are ttc and obviously having regular sex because of that but it is a chore and very much when we need to. We are close, best friends, affectionate, hold hands, cuddle etc, a very loving family but neither of us are bothered about sex at all. We have both said that if he could email it over at the necessary times, then we would!

It does cross both our minds that maybe we should be making a bit more effort but the truth is that neither of us particularly wants to. It would be because we should rather than a mad desire. Both of us would absolutely rather curl up with tea and a book. We're late 30's and have been together 12 years btw.

I'm not looking for any validation, we are happy with what suits us. It's just interesting to hear what others think.

WannabeNun · 11/04/2011 11:25

Blimey, it's not that exciting Blush :o

Original poster
pinkymum · 11/04/2011 11:26

Very interesting. To some it is clearly very important, and that is okay. To others less so, and that is okay too.

OP posts:
LeQueen · 11/04/2011 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Malificence · 11/04/2011 11:33

I think that sex is even more important when approaching/going through the menopause, it regulates your hormones, releases mood calming chemicals, sex is the best anti-depressant there is, older people having regular sex are happier and healthier too.

Do you know how often he masturbates pinky? That will give a good indication as to how his libido is functioning, regular ejaculation is essential to a man's sexual health, if he's masturbating regularly then he has a sex drive Wink.

I'd be very upset indeed if I thought my sex life was over in my forties, I know DH would be too. I genuinely don't believe a couple can be as close and happy as you claim to be, without sex and intimacy. I'm having the best sex ever in my mid forties, if you've had great sex in the past I don't see how you can't miss it.

Original poster
pinkymum · 11/04/2011 11:33

Yes, that is interesting LQ, because I think there are two types of relationship, (IME) one with passionate sex and passionate rows. The other with friendship/company and no rows - very simplified of course.

OP posts:
ebbandflow · 11/04/2011 11:35

Do most people not want to have it all ideally-Passionate sex and friendship/company.

Malificence · 11/04/2011 11:37

Nah, massive passion, very frequent sex but also best friends and no rows, with me and DH (married 26 years). Kind of blows your theory out of the water, don'tcha think?

BlooferLady · 11/04/2011 11:38

Hmmmm I am not sure about the passionate/not passionate bit, although I do see what you mean.

ie, the other day I saw my DH unexpectedly (he was coming in early from a night shift as I was leaving for work) and my heart leapt out of my chest and I dashed over the road and we must've looked like lovers separated for weeks. And maintain that never in my life have I met a better man - I adore him. I would not want to live 24 hours without him: I wouldn't know how to do it - he has been my better self since I was 17. I would call that 'passionate'. It just doesn't translate to sex 3 times a week, that's all.

Dropdeadfred · 11/04/2011 11:39

I think you can have passionate sex without being passionate at rowing too... I know my dh and I gel together more when we are more sexually active. My dh says he lives feeling physically wanted

MooMooFarm · 11/04/2011 11:39

That is so untrue and such as huge assumption to make pinky!

DH and I hardly ever argue - we are both very laid back and easy going - but we still both fancy each other v much and therefore have regular sex. To assume that LEQ and her DH have big rows is very unfair. Speaking for my own relationship, we have passionate sex but have probably never had what you would call a 'passionate' argument.

Why do you think the two have to go hand in hand?

MegBusset · 11/04/2011 11:39

OP without wishing to offend, you come across as pretty defensive of your lack of sex. If you're both happy with the situation then it's nobody else's business so why worry what anyone else is doing?

noddyholder · 11/04/2011 11:40

I am with malifience. Huge passion and a good sex life does not equal rows in fact I have found the reverse.

Dropdeadfred · 11/04/2011 11:40

Loves not lives

BlooferLady · 11/04/2011 11:41
Grin
Original poster
pinkymum · 11/04/2011 11:45

Wow, so many heartfelt opinions. Bloo, you make me laugh! I did put IME, meaning that was what I had found it was like among friends.

OP posts:
Ruggettee · 11/04/2011 11:45

I just want to throw something else into the mix here....I'm 29 and DH 30. We are TTC and so sex on the required days, but he is quite happy not to have sex the rest of the month. So it can be 3 weeks between. Yes, we really enjoy it when we do it. And say we ought to do it more, cos it's fun. But he is happy not to - and it's usually me that instigates matters.

So this assumption that the man always wants more sex isn't true. And he has been very worried in the past that he should have a higher sex drive because of this theory that men want it more than women.

But we are so close and affectionate and very very happy (married 5 years) and we have talked and are happy with the way things are. I know 3 weeks isn't 3 years, but my point is about the assumption that the OP's DH is unhappy with the situation because he is a man.

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