Are you all really having a lot of sex?

[pinkymum]

I am in a happy marriage (!) I think of 21 years. I have two DC (15, 11). DH and I have not had sex for about 3 years, after dwindling rapidly after the kids came along, due mostly to lots of stitching (looked like a patchwork quilt) and noisy second DC who woke all night every night! We love and care for each other. I work part time and run a tight ship, he works rather too much blue collar stuff, gets worried about the mortgage, etc, we are rather normal. However, I cannot believe I am the only wifey who truthfully would rather have good cuppa and a bar of choc than sex. Please tell me the truth????

pinky, I am always grumpy . I do have hot flushes, but my periods are still fairly regular and I am pretty certain (if we had sex) that we could conceive as I have that "discharge" every month, so I am not sure if I am menopausal or not?

I certainly think though there are more women like us but as you say are not prepared to admit it.

I think this is something you need to deal with. I am sure f you just make time and do it even if just going through the motions the desire will reappear. It brings another level of closeness that no matter how much to try you cannot get in other ways ime. A few weeks can go by when you are going through stressful/tiring situations but months and years must be very soul destroying and isolating

Pinky sometimes DH is definitely more up for it than I am - but that's just men isn't it (IME anyway).

I still say I couldn't imagine a completely sex-free relationship, although (depending on the time of the month) I can happily go a week. Other times it's every couple of days.

My GPs were still at it on a regular basis up until they died. I hope to follow their example

Also just because you still have periods, doesn't mean you're not menopausal. My mother was told that women have pre-menopausal symptoms for up to ten years before their actual menopause (when periods stop for good).

Amanda, do you feel the need to "deal with it"?

Actually, my doc is a very nice lady. I just don't believe it helps to have HRT.

Why are you all so certain that everybody needs sex? It's amazing. What if you were unable physically to have sex? Would you be totally traumatized?

Ok, so assuming you are truly happy with no sex. Is your DH? Or is it something you just don't talk about after going so long.

Well, as i said before, he said we "wasn't that bothered."

No I don't Pinky. Perhaps if DH and I had a less close relationship then maybe, but as it stands I am quite happy. I am sure he would say he if wasn't. I am pretty certain he wouldn' be buying me diamonds if he wasn't that happy

Hello!

I'll admit to it without even name-changing, how's that for bravery!

I'm 31, he's 37, we've been married for 11 years, together 15. No children, TTCing for 16 months(ish).

BEfore TTC we would regularly go for 2 or 3 months without sex. Even with TTC we have sex largely at my insistence suggestion.

I used to get very, very overwrought. I wanted to know why he didn't find me attractive, and demand to know if he thought a young woman should basically give up on sex for the rest of her life

However, I have learnt not to worry. We when do we have sex (often in enthusiastic clusters, as it were!), it is of the bedside lamp-breaking kind . I can honestly say I've never really had a bad sexual experience. I have no concept of embarrassment about doing this or that, or of being seen; it's all very happy and easy. We still fancy each other, we still like it.

BUT. DH works in the emergency services. He is always tired. He is often ill. He is always strained. He has often seen dead bodies, beaten up women, sex workers who have suffered abuse, lost children. And because of this he will go for weeks at a time wanting a different kind of intimacy - cosiness and companionship, but not necessarily sex.

It has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that things come and go. There are droughts and there are thunderstorms. And the thunderstorms are enjoyable and see me through the droughts.

I think the key is not to worry, but in a relaxed easy-going way perhaps say, Hey, know what we've not done lately? How 'bout a bottle of wine and we see where it goes. Don't let anyone put you down, or make you feel as if you're not 'doing it right FGS . Sex is IMO self-perpetuating. You do it, and you want it. You don't do it, and you don't. 3 years is a long time to go without but I don't think getting 'back in the saddle' is beyond the realms of possibililty. It may be no more deep-seated than simply having got out of the habit.

And I think more people should talk openly and honestly about this stuff why is why I have left my name up. Not that anyone on MN knows who the fuck I am anyway, mind you!

No I would have to get on with it, but whilst the desire and the ability is still there, I can't imagine not doing it. As my DH says - there's a recession on and it's free entertainment - he's joking, btw!

Thanks Amanda, sounds a good one.

No.
Mainly because our relationship has been worn down to a domestically functioning level by the demands of home and work, devoid of time to be romantic or attentive.

Bloo, you have it right - it's about habit. Absolutely we have got out of the habit. However, we are like you, we help each other with the mental strains of life, we have a few bottles of wine when not taking pills, etc, your DH clearly is a bit like mine, he worries madly about his work, will he be made redundant, etc, his family to support, etc. And life sort of passes by. We are going to take our caravan out over Easter so we can all spend time in small places together! You can't get embarassed getting dressed in a square box 4 foot wide!

Bleachedwhale I totally get you!!

The more I read this, the more I think my DH and I have got it right. No offence intended, but we have a secure and happy family life (ok worn out and knackered familylife) but none the less, we are okay, we do not row, we do get a bit grumpy, but we talk and larf.

So, thats just the three of us then?!! :o

I'm not nearly as bothered as my DH, but I do have sex drive. Its just that I really feel up for it three or four times a month, as opposed to three or four times a week for him!

If you're both happy with it then there's no problem is there? I just can't imagine it myself.

I think it all needs to become less of an issues, you know Pinky? We all fret that we're not doing it 'enough', we're not doing it 'right', that we don't match to whatever's the latest survey on average shagging per week . And the more we fret, the less we do it, becuse we're fretting, and it's become a problem.

And YES to habit. If you had great sex on the Monday then on Friday you'll probably still remember and think, hmmm, worth trying THAT one again!

Also. A 'good' sex life does not necessarily = a good relationship. I daresay we have all known people perpetually swinging frmo the chandeliers who also go in for a lot of screamgin and shouting and melodramatic semi break-ups and romantic forgiveness and ecstatic make-up sex. Well, each to their own. But my marriage is rather like having a best pal that I like to shag now and then. WE'd be mortified by any of that flouncing about being all Heathcliff and Cathy - it's not 'us' IYSWIM. And if a relatively peaceful sex life is the corrollary to a peaceful and content marriage - well, that's fine by moi, I think.

make that 4 pinky

Got it right with regards to what?

Well, I do agree Bloo, I have continued feelings of guilt re family, not earning enough money, not a good enough mum, not smiley enough in times of PMT, not blah, blah blah. So this is just another thing on the list. I amgoing to ask him actually, and see what happens.

Drop, as in "hit the nail on the head"

Pinkhebe - tell me about youself.