Dumpling no more? Only the strong survive and we did no. 4

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings. Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support

Good luck with dd x

Hope your dd is ok Starting

Hope dd is ok, Starting. There are all sorts of conditions causing painful knee(s) in growing kids especially sporty ones. Hopefully, it's something that can be sorted with rest and/or physio.

I have my gorgeous elder ds here for the last lot of his operations so that is cheering me up. He is so calm, kind and measured. He had his gum cut open to expose the implants this morning. Not a murmur from him, he just carries on regardless. Throughout this whole horrible ordeal he has not complained or felt sorry for himself or taken it out on anybody else. Not ever, not once. He would make a good Buddhist monk . He's so philosophical.

Guess the school holidays are in full swing for everyone now. Hope you're all surviving.

Read this quotation in The Homecoming book today ,

"What I do is me :for that I came ."

Gerald Manley Hopkins.

That's such a comforting hug ,what I do is me ,
This is who I am.
This is how I roll.
Don't need others to validate me.

What I do is me :for that I came

Just to be me. Just to love being me ,
Just to enjoy this life being me.
I don't need to worry about this life ,just enjoy the gifts and learn as much as I can x

Starting, it might lessen your worry to hear DS2 was sent to hospital with knee pain last month & was Osgood Schlatter disease (ie growing pains for sporty kids though no less painful for that) which is most common thing for adolescent knees. Sad thing was he had to cut down on sport quite a bit, good news is that as a result he only gets pain once a week or so. Queried consultant & asked exactly what not doing sport meant & he happily agreed that it's just a matter of kids working out own ratio of sport & pain which DS did, only now doing school sport & sat. football.

Thanks btw, Starting, for your sympathy as well in the middle of horrid sickness for your DD & other DD knee fright.

Patience I have read web stuff on co-dependence though not the book. There's a lot of that there from M & H. I feel I have to give NM a good chance this time though, he's got issues as well & now has been on & off with me longer than he has with anyone (I know). Just like you've got so much strength now & peace, OM is (I hope) sort of going on same journey. When I got tested for counselling before christmas the nurse said - I'm hearing a lot about what other people need - what about you? And I was gobsmacked - didn't know what to say - had never thought about it.
Glad about your kick boxing but don't mix it up! DS1 took up boxing when he went to uni in Sep & came home from friends this morning with 2 black eyes (1 with no vision) huge cut on nose & others on head. Had been to this small town club where friend was beat up the week before & prob. felt invincible because he had skills. Luckily didn't get knocked down or kicked in head so doc. says just a matter of keeping an eye on him (ouch). Luckily he'd already told H he couldn't see him tomorrow (ouch again) so neither of us will be told off for "letting" this happen.
Hugs to all (gave a few to poor old DS1 today).

First thing they teach u actually mymble is to walk away from a fight .This is all about my self confidence ,to begin with it was reliving a lot of painful dv memories ,especially when doing self defence work.I just didnt want to flinch everytime i was around a guy ,a lot of it is quite emotional tbh.Then at the end we do sparring but only touch fighting ,not meant to be strong punches.
Hope ur ds is ok ,i always use arnica pills for bruising ,eyes are v delicate .
Made me look at the whole "bringing up boys "thing in a different way though.Fighting is all part of it ie not likely they go through school without a scrap ,then nights out drinking etc ,most of the time girls can keep out of trouble but guys tend to fight it out .

Mymy welcome, sorry but I dont think I have a good handle on your back story... but if you're on here its variations on a theme sadly

Starting hope its nothing serious for dd, seems a bit extreme of your Doctor to behave like that

Well had a nice evening last night and have been beavering away today .

Have been organising my mini army of friends h's for different roles and have decided this is the way forward , all the practical help and know how none of the hassle

Flopped now and having a day off as its my birthday tomorrow. Got lovely day seeing the owners of my new house for last minute stuff, off to my bf for the day and then home and having a loads few drinks with my local friends and h's should be a very good night and will try and do my house proud for the last in a long line of dos here.

Sorry, patience, having only joined MN & the other thread a few weeks ago I didn't know about your DV - I didn't mean to be insensitive about your boxing. Hugs.
I think most girls tend to internalise violence more, beat themselve up emotionally or later on self harm (tho DS2 has lots of fingernail scars from DD).

It's hard to decide how critical to be of boys. Was horrified in Y9 when DS1 said he wished he hadn't put drawing pins in between his fingers in a school fight (discovered later wasn't point side out but sorta knuckle duster) But then I'm ashamed to say I felt really proud last year when DS2 knocked a kid down @ school for being rude about family (teacher ruled it "acceptable provocation" for a fight). When today DS1 said that at least he'd knocked one of the guys down last night I thought, but didn't say, what if it had been the other way round & DS1 had broken his skull on the pavement? What if DS1 had broken the other guy's skull? In the end just gave him hugs & got doc to check him out.
Is no big deal probably if it's a one-off & not a regular side effect of DS1's boxing or a result of the marital strife & glad to say DS2 has only fought once AFAIK since that one incident last year.

MyMy not insensitive at all
All part of my road to recovery ,started it about 8weeks ago to get fit and get out the house once a week.Good to try new things ,meet new people but it actually made me face the after effects of DV and I dont think I would have tbh.Coach could tell I was affected by some of the stuff and i let him know my story so its all good .But like I said in my last post Im more likely to be running away if any trouble was headed my way.Difference now is if a bloke even raised his voice never mind his hand to me it would be TAXI FOR PATIENCE ,thankyou very much !
It wears you down that kind of behaviour.

Anyway talking of the ARSE.He texts tonite ,first contact since ur a c*,voicemail on Tuesday.Asks if there is any chance he can talk to the kids.
Lawyer still has to send all mail via PIL since he wont give me his address,so he probably hasnt seen the letter yet.
So i phone no answer ds leaves a voicemail.
X phones back and proceeds to rattle on to DS asking why mummy wont let him talk to him .Ok so the arse cant actually let ds talk to him about the holidays ,football etc ,too busy slagging me off,have to stop the call .
He phones back ,thought ok last chance at the phonecall ,maybe he will work out the unreasonable thing wont work.Wrong ,same thing ,slag me off to DS.
So text him that all communication is now by text on lawyers advice,only discussing visitation.Didnt want any of this but now the bad mouthing mummy stuff is his plan to DS 5yo ,I cant see a future tbh.This is really damaging now to the kids ,im stuck between Ds wanting to talk to his dad and dad just wanting to slag me off to ds .Really sad that X is so far up his own arse now he has no self control regarding his rage when communicating with ds and doesnt realise how damaging his actions are to the dcs.
Anyway life goes on ,away for a bath.

This is so abusive. You're right, would be better for DS not to talk to him on the phone however much in the short term it isn't what DS wants. H probably does realise that he's hurting DS, but rationalises to himself (I accept in normal terms he isn't in any way rational) that by doing what he is to DS he is right because "it's all your fault" because you're the one who won't take his vicious abusive calls.
Is he different when he sees DCs? When he can see the danage he's doing?

Urghhh Patience - he is so low to be damaging DS like that

But love Gerard Manley Hopkins and thats brilliant. Hope some of the inspiration youre getting can part compensate for a*'s behaviour.

MyM - too I dont know your story but hope you are helped by joining here!

Starting -hoping your DD situation will turn out positive

getting - youve organised everyone so well and glad youre having some good times with friends too.

having happy holiday times here. trying to get better organised. lovely cousin has just had baby girl so very happy for her.

Hi to everyone else. Glad to see you back Maybee with happy updates from NI -heres to many more. Have lovely weekends everyone!

Patience, text messages rule! I have been using them muchly lately. Might it be worth having a chat with DS and explaining that it's ok for people to have different opinions of each other, but at the end of the day DS will obv make his own mind up of how lovely his mum is?

DS came home today saying "Dad says you've got big teeth". In my head, I joyfully punched H in the bollocks. To DS I replied "gosh yes, bodies do come in all shapes and sizes. What is your fave bit about your body"?

Oh how I wish I could have yelled "Fuck off you balding, forever tired twat".

Starting, hope all is well with DD. Bloody daft doctor in just introducing that into the conversation before suggesting more investigiation.

Hello to all other lovely people from DCS in disguise. Is Tea on holiday?

All calls stopped now ladies ,only did it because ds wanted to tell him about football week.tbh Mymble I think he is negative full stop.Ds started saying I'm just a spoiled wee boy.I asked him who calls him that ,he said daddy.I just feel its all out of control again,H if he has contact will fill their heads with crap about me and kids will be afraid to tell me but be confused.I think selfish abusive men are always in denial,I think they truly are put together differently.I think his entitlement outweighs everything and anyone else.If u were to say to him his anger towards me is damaging the dcs ,he wouldn't take responsibility for his anger and have the self control to put it to one side he would just say "and whose f fault is that then,yeah yeah UR never to blame Ru patience ,yeah u keep telling urself that .I will always be their daddy whatever happens I will always be their daddy "
Nobody said u werent their dad but u missed Dec,most of Jan ,Feb and march and not seen them for 4 weeks.we have had ,sickness excuse,head not in the right place excuse,car broken down excuse,flat tyre excuse and general no shows.only get money if he sees them .

Thanks Orange,I don't think we have plumbed these depths b4.frightening thing is this is the first time he truly believes he has no control over me.I think he enjoyed still having a connection with me ,of course nice X is the Russian roulette u play,just one phase of the cycle .You try and co parent with that bloke but Mr raging is never far away cos his life is a mess and he has to keep blaming me for that or accept responsiblity.This is completely different he is completely cut off from me now .
What I said to Ds was daddy has to be polite when he phones not angry ,just left it at that .

Oh thanks so much everyone for all the well wishes for dd. All is well anyway tg but ended up at hospital for over 5 hrs!! I too did think that Dr was being over the top but he's been my Dr since I had dd 11yrs ago & I trust him completely. He examined dd himself first before I had to take her to hospital & he explained that he was 95% certain that it was soft tissue damage due to too much excercise (dancing!!) but that he wasn't prepared to take the risk as her symptoms were the same as a more serious condition that would affect her mobility for life if not treated immediately. To be fair to him I have since heard that there have been quite a few children in the surrounding area recently who have been diagnosed with what he mentioned & that two of them turned out to have malignant tumors in the knee. He hadn't mentioned this to me but I think he just wanted to be on the safe side. Anyway all's well tg so will just have to find the balance you mentioned ET on the dancing & sports!

DD with chickenpox is doing great on viral stuff & has got no further spots & isn't complaining or sick tg.

Xh got a nice dose of reality as I got him to mind younger two while I was at hospital. I was having trouble finding anyone else to mind them & it suddenly occured to me that seeing as he was rambling on about his parental rights that surely he could step up to the plate. When I went back to collect dc's he came out to car & said "would you mind dropping me down town?" This being the first contact since he swore abuse at me last week . I just said fine & ignored his self pitying waffling!

Am wrecked & have full day at college tomorrow! Dig deep Starting!!

Getting, wishing you a fab birthday tomorrow

Patience, I think your xh & mine are lost brothers!! Too many similarities

ET, your eldest ds sounds so so lovely, hope all goes smooth & pain free for him.

Mymy, hope things calm down for you, God you're certainly getting it in all directions atm!!

Mumfun, hope you get time to rest during the holls

Orange, welcome aboard, don't think I know your story.

Patience, your last two posts could be talking about my xh. You are right it is next to impossible to coparent with men like them. They take no responsibility & blame us for everything that is wrong in their lives. My xh is still doing it & I am a separated a lot longer than you!! I've no magic answers as I've tried it all with my own xh all I do is detach, have acceptance & make the best of things but as you know it ain't easy

He is abusing DS as well as you but I do understand the contact issue. How you put it to DS was perfect, I think. They are young enough that for a month or two if you don't bring up that their Dad is coming until near the time, when you're sure he is, they won't be stressed that h is coming or disappointed if he's not.
If he carries not not being able to control his viciousness/rage when with DS then either DS will eventually not want to see him (which brings access etc. problems but is quite understandable for DS) or you can think about further measures. H didn't used to call DCs for weeks, including 2 weeks all over the 1st Xmas (turns out he was in Barbados) but that changed once he filed for divorce. Your H is making himself feel big by making a 5 year old feel small because he's lost his immediate bullying victim. Your DS shouldn't be made to feel small - he is small - he's a little kid. There's a lot of negative pr that H can do to kids which is countermanded by a loving admiring mum.
The text message thing is really good anyway. As you said, it may feel out of control now but that's as a result of you gaining control by stopping listening to his abuse. H still regularly screams at me - this is all your fault - which even now makes me think - why? you left your wife and kids only because you said you wanted a better quality of life than living at home - no nonsense about Daddy still loves you kids but can't live with Mummy. Patience, you of all of us is showing us we have the right to be happy, not just as mums but people.

Starting ,so glad dd is ok.has X had the pox ,wishful thinking maybe but I've heard u can catch it twice.
u have always given me hope that I could get thru this because of our Xs similarities.Only way to do it is with self belief and inner strength.He blames me for everything then calls me babes and says I know I've been a dick or I know youve had to put up with all my shit.Next minute no show with the kids.Says he cant face only seeing them for a bit then leaving.Do I know how hard this is for him.difference I think is I have empathy and compassion,I truly think he doesn't.

Patience, yes sadly our x's are v similar. My xh equally completely lacks empathy or compassion. When my xh says stuff like how hard it is for him etc it always just makes me realise he has NO empathy/sorrow for the pain he caused me & dc's, it's all just for himself.

As with you though you just have to hold onto a good sense of humour to get through it. Am loving the thought of a good dose of shingles or chicken pox lol . My xh is a really bad patient & a complete hypocondriac. He doesn't even like being near the dc's when they're sick

Mymy, sounds like your xh has a lot of similarities too

Well assignment printed for tomorrow but think I may have missed the point completely Too tired to care at this point & tg am nearly finished.

Patience, thanks for your well wishes on dd Tbh my mother's instinct told me she was fine but was too afraid to take a chance just in case I was misreading things!! Being honest though I think mother's are rarely wrong & generally know when something is wrong with their own dc.

Mym like I said b4 self belief and strength is the only way I can get thru this.I don't want to be warring mum and dad but hopefully either way it will calm down again.I just think it has taken a full 18mths to see him for who he is.It's the unpredictable and the lack of understanding of acceptable behaviour that is wearing.Now he will be saying why have u got all wan*y with the lawyers letters.I really think he will stay the victim,just have to be glad I escaped.Thing that gets me is I really thought we were good together,but he was always a selfish bastard,and I just looked after him to an Olympic level of co dependency.when dcs came along ,he must have felt it big time .I really think ,he doesn't get it yet ,what is reasonable behaviour in a relationship.Why would he ,he surrounds himself with others that agree with what he is saying.Anyway all I know is apart from dcs visits ,I don't need to text him.

I agree re mothers instinct ,that's my only measure for X and dcs,what my gut says.Atm don't trust him an inch.Just don't know how u hand ur kids over to abusive liar if he wants kids on Sunday.Now lawyers are involved he might sort himself out.

Yep,its the "do u know how hard this is for me "
bits that give me that cold bucket of water back to reality .In a new world with no abuse and one that u don't get pinned against the wall I smile now when he says that,I used to get angry and perplexed but now I just smile .Just a selfish underdeveloped iresponsible jerk !

Glad DD is ok Starting, what a relief.

Well, enjoy your day Getting, is a day of celebration for both of us! So far, have had a few nice gifts and yet another breakfast in bed from DS.

And someone has bought me a shopping experience! As if I needed any encouragement....

Hugs and waves to all