Dumpling no more? Only the strong survive and we did no. 4

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings. Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support

Totally that these XHs can behave like this.

Makes you v uncertain about hooking up with anyone else doesn't it when you see this behavior from men that you thought for years were the good guys.

My exh is the same and my DC are older so they don't even need 'looking after' so to speak.

I think alot of men relish being very part time dads as it suits their selfishness down to the ground unfortunately.

IMO children are very very hard work but if you put the time in then it's hugely rewarding which is why we realise how much our exes are missing through the dessertion of their DC and although we're left permenantly knackered, worried, etc etc we know what joy (?) our kids bring us. Joking asside, living alongside alongside my DC is on the whole a hugely wonderfull experience that I wouldn't have missed for the world and I would never have left them in a million years. They make me laugh (a lot) and sometimes they make me cry, but they are such amazing human beings as are all of yours and their 2 bit dads will never be truley forfilled in their pissy little lives because in their hearts they know something is missing and that is their darling DC.

XXX

I understand that bit Pink ,but it is hard to take when u realise a 21yo tart can look after ur tiny kids cos ur X is trying to keep his gf happy.Then she can decide she doesn't want to play mummys and daddys after all and disrupt visits.all the time kids all over Britain are being put at risk emotionally due to daddys new gf and women like us have no say at all.That's the bit I struggle with. I don't even have an address for where my kids go.

Kate 3 weeks ago I made the decision that I would never organise a visit again.If he wants to make the effort great if not I honestly don't care.All done by text ,got enough arseholes to deal with everyday without having to talk to another one.

That is exactly how I feel Patience in your post at 21:25.

Also DS doesn't talk very well yet and DD is getting better but I'm still not sure after a visit she'd tell me how it went. So I'd have no report back on how they were being treated either, at least not a full one, as they're both so young at age 2 & 3 I'd like to know and my DCs would be honest if they were slightly older about how it went. That would help me iyswim?

I'm almost 100% certain OW is still staying with him. He never told me how many days she was staying for. But judging from the text messages and his absence I would think she is still there

All very wearing tea,just thinking my X is tacking up his white charger as we speak ,ready to ride in for a big dad of the year performance on Sunday.all I can do is love my kids and keep on keeping on everyday ,everyweek,every month and every year x

Wise posts Patience - agree with what you said to Tea. Knackered here. Not been sleeping well due to doing no work and brain not coping with relaxation. Also got massive great big fecking burn on my forehead cos of those curling things. It's brown. Looks like a massive birth mark. Not a good look :) Got another kissy text from exbf today. Swear he only texts me when he's bored, just to see if he can throw me a crumb and I'll gobble it up. Lol. He's dealing with a different lady now - I've been through dumpling school mate!

Tea - I've been thinking about your situation a lot today. Your exh has turned to you when he has problems with new gf and you have listened because you are such a good person. I also listened when my exh had problems with his very young gf. In fact, when they split up 2 summers ago (for a day!) I even invited him on a day out with us all to cheer him up. Turns out I then found out through a friend that he'd got back with her the next day. He didn't tell me that and was rather put out when I told him I knew. I think he was quite enjoying getting lots of sympathy from lovely ex wife and lots of pleading from young gf. Did his ego no end of good. Whatever happens, love, in the future don't let him pour his romantic troubles out to you because I think he is ultimately out for himself, as he has shown by wanting to introduce her to your kids and going incommunicado when she's around. Hope this doesn't sound too harsh but always look after yourself first and your kids obviously (as I know you always do - you're a great mum). Just speaking from experience.

I agree ,look out for number one,only way I can move on with my life is to have as little to do with him as possible .His relationship with the kids is nothing to do with me .Easier for him if I'm involved.aye well those days are over now ,its everyman for himself .

Googs ex bf wtf is he all about.
Not sure about the burn ,what about argan oil or sudacrem.

Aye, thought sudacrem. You should see it Patience! It's minging! If drummer boy likes me once he's seen it then I must be oozing pheremones! Hee hee!

Oh and hilarious in exbf's text - "not had a holiday - just work work work here" EH?!!!! Must be such hard graft, smoking a joint and staring at the sky whilst gardening!

Tea, think you've gotten some very good advice from the posters above. I know your xh is one of the better ones on this thread however I do still think that he probably still has a milder version of the character traits that all the rest share i.e. selfish, weak, immature, putting his own needs first (evident when he walked out on you & two babies). I would imagine that when the OW is gone next week he'll try to go back to how things were between you before but I guess all this is a warning of the power that ANY woman he will be with will have over him & thus his relationship with dc's. Sadly he sounds like a very weak character. Saying that maybe you need to just put a few boundaries in place & ride the storm as it really doesn't sound like their relationship is going to survive in the longterm. I really do feel for you though with dc's being so young. My youngest were only 1 & 2 when I first separated & tbh only for eldest being there I would have been very concerned with access (saying that I was dealing with a completely different set of circumstances). One thing I do know though is that regardless of whatever happens with xh you will be fine. You've coped with a lot worse up to now & come through it flying so you might have a few wobbles but ultimately your strength of character will protect you & dc's in all of this. ((Hugs))

Goo, when are you meeting drummer boy?? Hopefully mark will be well gone by then. Have you any lavander in the house?? If so mix a few drops with any cream really & apply, otherwise Elizabeth Arden 8hr cream is v good, or bio oil, or vaseline or baby oil. I was motivated by your & Kate's post & attempted to use my Big Hair contraption . Was a bit of a struggle to use & had to combine with normal hairdryer & straighteners . However I am not going to declare myself defeated yet & am going to try & perservere when I have the time . I did however attempt a home french mainicure & was v pleased with the results .

Patience, I agree with your post of 21.25 too. I think when access is used as a tool to get at the mother then it really defeats the purpose or imo damages dc's. This also applies to hap-hazzard access.

Hi all

Tea thinking of you. I think Starting has put it well -re his character and how any woman will have power over him in the future. I think you need to protect yourself and not support him any more TBH with personal stuff. IT is hard when you get these curved balls :(

Arghhh re all the exes and their twuntishness with access

Im glad some of the grandpas are stepping up to the plate - it can provide the kids with a lovely male role model figure -and lots of fun!

Also yes one of my big dreads was OW doing family bit with my young kids. At least when they are older they can make an informed choice themselves.

IM just rambling a lot this am but hope the lovely weather continues and kidds are having a good time! x

Thanks ladies. Well I haven't heard a peep from him since the other day. Which is very odd, so yes I think OW is still down and I'm wondering now if he'll just drop the eggs and leave again tomorrow The kids haven't seen him apart from once in 14 days. This is a big change. I know I was away for 5 days but he's usually so good. It harks back to the days when I was trying to save our marriage and he was always going away to "stay" with OW Jack. He'd be incommunicado until back again. I really thought we'd mastered the co-parenting. It's not right on the kids They need consistency. I feel so unsettled as he hasn't told me what he's agreed with her and what his plans are. It's like being back in limbo.

I can hear thunder outside and there's lightning in the distance. I may go and stand on my balcony and watch. Very therapeautic!

Lots of fun with the paddling pool in the last few days. Cannot believe it's April. I suspect it will cool off again. Although that's not a bad thing as the kids are sleeping badly in the heat here.

Just had a text out of the blue:

"Just wanted to say I'm really sorry for everything earlier in the week. I just want to have a good day tomorrow ok? I understand now that what I did was wrong ok? Forgive me?"

I think he just doesn't want a hard time tomorrow. Not that I would do that in front of the children. But still I'm a bit about the text to say the least...

I also do not have a clue on the plan for tomorrow as he's been busy disappearing out of mine and the kids lives since OW came down.

I'm not angry, I just feel so worn down and fed up. Disappointed that he really is like all the other men on here afterall.

So sorry u r having this to deal with T.
I also got a text from X saying ,am I still seeing kids tomorrow ?
I guess I would send a brief text asking what time he was coming over so u know what ur day is.I suppose for me tomorrow will be awkward but Ds has a sore tummy and I'm just going with strong calm mum approach.I know I'm not poisonous or a c* .I guess I'm just worn down by all the stuff that's happened.Tea at least hes listened to ur POV this time .but u have had a big reality check .Once the dust settles it does help me see the weakness in my X that was never attractive ,even more so now when it affects my dcs.They don't walk T, they slither.

Aye slither he does!

I think I've made huge progress through this reality check. I've realised what's in store when she moves down.

Big hugs T.
I also wonder if they try and keep these relationships alive to justify walking out.if not they have made an even bigger arse of themselves.In my own case it matters not who his gf is ,what matters is how his lifestyle disrupts his kids lives.

Haven't read thread & need to get dc's to bed. I've just started a new thread called "new friend concerned for dd" & would appreciate any advice. I'm terrified I'm going to get flamed for this but had no idea how to name change!!

Eek Starting that's horrid. Have posted on there but here's the linky: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1200193-New-friend-concerned-for-dd-wwyd?msgid=25016503#25016503 for others to find it.

Hi Tea, thank you so much for the link & for your kind post on other thread. I was so concerned that people might flame me for saying that about a little boy but I really did want to see what other people thought of situation so decided to post regardless.

With regards to your xh tbh I think the positives are that he is less able to detach from his dc's then some of the other men on here. It also seems telling that he is looking for your forgiveness. That would suggest that you too still have a lot of power with your xh which you can use to your advantage when it comes to dc's.

Patience, I really hope things run smoothly for you with access tomorrow.

Mumfun, any idea of when you'll hear back about interview? Am sending you positive vibes & also for your pending op. Hope all else is going well for you.

Hi all

Starting Interview results at end month. Thanks for kind thoughts.

In your situation with little boy I would have been equally concerned. In the end you do have to protect your own children and put their welfare first. A friend of mine has recently removed her child from a school due to unacceptable sexualised behaviour by a 5 year old classmate towards her child that she regarded as assault (school handled appallingly). I would be wary of that child sadly from now on as they have already learned the behaviour.

Tea sorry about H . I feel a bit worn down at the moment too so can empathise and H being tricksy at the moment. Sadly I do like the word slither - but that one for me is taken by ex OW as I think of her like that!

Hope all have happy weekends! I do love being with DCs but am glad I will get a small break when they have 3 days back at school next week - hope IM not alone in that or will feel worst mummy in the world.

Hey everyone

Mumfun, no i cant wait for them to go back to school either, i will unfortunately still have 2 DC at home all day and a further 1 for half a day but i'll take whatever i can get lol

Tea, your reality check will teach you to distance yourself from XH, if he trys to talk about his relationship with OW just tell him it's not your business anymore and you would prefer it if he didnt discuss that with you, he's sort of getting the best of both world if he can still have you as his confidant iyswim

Am hoping everyone has a wonderful easter and no twuntery from X's

i'm struggling a bit atm and may be back several times today to rant so apologies in advance, it's just that i am a very family orientated person and today is a reminder of all that is lost, i'm sad and angry all at the same time but it's not for myself it's for my DC, i've been having a few epiphany's lately and i'm not really liking it tbh so need to start letting it out as i'm not sleeping very well and things just keep going round in my head so am hoping it might help to vent

Take care for now and enjoy the chocolate [bugrin]