Dumpling no more? Only the strong survive and we did no. 4

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings. Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support

Wow thread v quiet today, hope you're all off having fun

Mumfun, sadly I agree with you that when a child has been sexualised it stays with them . It's so horrible to see a poor 6 yr old in this situation, you can see already that because of his parents neglect the destruction of his innocence has already commenced . You're right though that there's no way I will compromise dd's safety.

Will be keeping fingers & toes x'd for you & sending you positive vibes both for interview results & op. Of course it's normal to want a break from dc's

Sov, you are still v early days so what you're feeling is completely normal. Of course occasions such as Easter, dc's off school are bound to bring up the pain. ((Hugs))

Had lovely day on the beach today & lots of choc consumed (not on the beach lol)

Had a lovely day today with DC and family but kept catching myself thinking about X and his family, we would normaly have spent easter at his dads and i know they all would have been there without us
What makes me angry is not only has my X abandoned his DC so has his family, they lost their dad, 2 aunt's, grandad and cousin in one fell swoop and i lost 2 sisters and a nephew, that is what makes me sad
It's not even so much about my X anymore i just cant understand his family abandoning their neice and nephews/granddaughter and grandsons and it really riles me
I thought about texting his dad and asking how he's going to feel when he only has 1 grandchild left as i wont be allowing any contact with my DC anymore
He has 2 step grandchildren atm but he and his wife are divorcing and her daughter(childrens mother) hates him and will not allow further contact once the divorce is done, he dotes on those children and he's going to start thinking about what he's lost when that time comes but it will be too late, he will have gone from grandfather of 7 to grandfather of 1 and my DD is his only biological granddaughter, she doesnt even know him, none of my DC do really, the last time we saw him was August last year at the 3 youngest DC's christening
As for the sisters, i understand 1 sisters problem with me but not the other, she just hasnt bothered at all, and this is the same girl who cried and sat outside the hospital for 4 hours waiting for visiting when my eldest DS was born, i mean how the f* does it come to that?
I didnt even recieve so much as a text from X or his family to wish the kids a good easter

I lay in bed awake every night thinking and it is driving me insane, i never hurt about what i have lost only what they have lost, they are innocent children why do they have to suffer, you can understand that their dad has abandoned them but his family too?
Someone told me they had seen X the other day and they said he looked like a druggy, i have to admit to being repulsed by the state of him when i seen him last week, he was an absolute mess but then he told me himself before xmas that OW was stoned, drunk and/or coked up every night so what do i expect? if she's doing it he more than likely is too
I put a stop to all drugs bar weed when we first got together as i didnt want anything like that in my life, if i could have stopped the weed too that would have gone also but he gave up all the other drugs he did so he said i couldnt really argue

I just dont understand it all but my kids havent lost anything really as they have me and my family, my family drive me insane and i think my mother can be quite toxic when she wants and also quite a narc but their all the family i have, i ignore them most of the time and limit my DC to how much time they spend, mum is usually ok for an hour or so then when she starts whining thats the time to leave

i just cant get my head around how my life turned out like this and i worry for the future

I'm also realising i have some self esteem issue's, i'm quite happy with myself in my appearance and my size and personality ect but when i think about meeting someone else i start questioning if i'm too fat, ugly, common!! if i'm good enough for anyone, i'm good enough for myself but not sure about potential suitors
I know it is unnesassery worries but things like bikini area, i have never done anything about that and wonder would someone be repulsed if i dont have a brazillian? i've never done my eyebrows and am wondering if i should start, the most i do is shave my legs and underarms, i have just never been that fussed before and X didnt care either but now it is something that nags at me
I also question my parenting constantly and feel very inferior
I cant afford for my DC to go to after school clubs or football or swimming and a whole range of other things, apart from feeding the ducks or kicking a ball about or going to the park, i cant do anything with them
I dont even do arts and craft stuff as i am not creative at all and i worry about the mess, my 4DC are tornados, i spent 5 hours the other night sorting the living room out, i pulled everything out and went through each and every toy and binned 2 black bags worth of stuff, i was up till 3 am (as i cant do it when DC are about) and it was spotless, the next day i was tidying the kitchen, took my eyes off them for 10 minutes and when i came back the living room was turned upside down literally i just feel like i'm swimming against the tide and being pulled down by the current, i want a clean tidy house but i just find myself losing the enthusiam for it when it gets trashed so easily, i'm ashamed to even answer the door let alone let anyone in
i just dont know what to do anymore, my entire life seems to be getting away from me and i have no idea how to pull it all back together again, i cant even get anyone to watch the DC while i sort it all out! it's just laughable

sorry for the long posts, i'm a bit like pringles once you pop you just cant stop lol

On the way back from DM's today i saw some lads that were at a bbq i went to the other week, sitting on the field having a drink and one of them recognised me and shouted over, wow, fancy coming over here and sucking my c*, i would have retaliated with something belittling but was just shocked that someone had shouted something like that out while i had my DC's with me
I just looked at him and walked off so he decided to shout he'd shag that (talking about me obviously) and what was i doing later, i replied looking after my DC what do you think to which he asked for my number, i just walked off
I thought how appauling that he would talk like that infront of kids but also thought to myself well clearly i dont look too bad lol
It's a sad state of affairs when that consitutes a compliment

Anyway enough rambling from me, hope you all enjoy bank holiday tomorrow and i will no doubt be back

Take care all xx

Sov I empathise with the in law situation mine don't see the kids either .
I think house is just ongoing.what I try and do is make kids tidy what they have played with.at least its put away but still a big jumble.atm they are playing shops everything in the house is for sale so big mess but fun fun fun.I haven't got an enthusiasm to tidy up .hoping it will kick in soon.huge ironing.
Have a nice holiday everyone X late for visit yesterday then took them to the pub ,don't think I can do anything about it.he doesn't think he has done anything wrong.

Hi everyone - hapy easter. I know this is a difficult time for a lot of people so much love to you all. Patience - well great eh? Took them to the pub. Ah well, as you say, there's not much you can do about it and at least he saw them and turned up. He sounds like my exh - he would take em to the pub too. Glad he turned up thought - that's a good sign and they saw their daddy, a bit of a step along the way of co parenting maybe. Positive thoughts to you love.
Sov - don't feel bad - I could have written your post about self esteem and the house and children being whirlwinds! Same with my two - and just been to my parents' for the long weekend and they can't cope with the whirlwind at times and that makes me feel like a bad mother too! You aren't though love. And as for after school things - we all coped without endless after school clubs when we were young - they didn't bloody exist, so it won't do em any harm not to go. My little un goes to football and the youngest is going to Let's Get Cooking every Tuesday this next term (only cost 4 quid) but neither of them have any interest in any other after school thing and TBH I think they're better off bumming about here, playing with their mates and relaxing :)
Starting - so sorry about your dd - I've put a long post on your other thread as I've got some experience of all that from working with a child who was abused.
Patience - great advice to Tea earlier. I agree. Reality has set in love. Be wary but also open to his apology. I'm glad he apologised. Hope you start to feel more positive soon. Don't let his behaviour affect you too much. He has hurt you enough already. I made that a rule with my exh after a year. I was going to try and not let his negativity affect me as much as it had. I know this is so much easier to say than to do but you don't deserve to be unhappy x
Waves to Mumfun and everyone else.
Date with drummer boy will be Wed or Thurs this week. Thankfully burn on forehead is going down!
PS Sov - I bought a razor which is also a ladygarden shaver. I would never get a brazilian - I don't want to look like a little girl down below and I'm too old to embrace the full wax but the shaver is good and makes me feel more confident. Can't believe I'm discussing my fanny on here. I have no shame! And any man worth his weight couldn't give a shit anyway. Always remember that :)

Pmsl at ur post ggm,
Sky plussed the muppet treasure island movie so still got that to look forward to.
funny how X would make me into nagging bitch if i said about him drinking midday when he had the kids.loads of dads take their kids out for Sunday lunch.just so happens its his second home and he is driving my kids about.Funny how things turn out.

watched 2 Indiana Jones films this weekend. Fab.
My exh driving my kids round with no booster seats in his blacked out audi at mo. Checked oldest one's height this weekend - he's got another 5cms to go before it's legal. Obv little one is far too small. So I'm about to be the "nagging bitch" too when I tell him it's not on. Stupid bastard that he is.
Going to pm you Patience x

Oh Goo your post has actually cheered me up :)
Your right, i didn't have stuff like that when i was growing up and it didnt effect me in the slightest, i think my main problem is that life down here (essex) is so different from back home (middlesbrough), if i was in boro it wouldnt even cross my mind tbh, none of it would, certainly not the insecurities about being good enough for a man or a good enough parent, my perception of the people around me now is that it is all expected whereas a northern man it wouldnt be iykwim i think i was just raised different, with X i felt comfortable with the people around me because i fit in whereas now i dont and thats threw a few things up, their all essex boys (if you ever watch the only way is essex you might understand where im coming from) and all a bit up there own arse whereas i'm as common as they come, i smoke, i drink, i swear, i like sex (obviously because i have 4 DC lol) if i dont like you i will tell you and if you need help i will do all that i can, there's not many people i have met down here like that which i dont think is going to change seeing as i've been here 16 years now
Even the situation with X's family probably wouldnt have happened where i grew up, ffs i'm still classed as family to people whose relative i dated 18 years ago!! their children call me Auntie Sov and my DC are the same, as far as we are concerned we are family, end of
I pmsl at 'Can't believe I'm discussing my fanny on here' that was so funny, can i ask which razor did you buy? am also thinking of getting eyebrows threaded as i dont think i could do the plucking/shaping thing myself as i will probably balls it up, i just want to start feeling like people percieve me in a better light because atm i'm all talk and no trousers, i can chat men up no problem and i can even tell them their lucky to have my attention but the thought of actually getting down and dirty is a different matter and i think if i can feel comfortable with doing the deed and not wondering how i'm percieved i will be a bit happier, i have had plenty of interest but it just scares the shit out of me so i back off, i want my confidence back, this is not me, i have never had a problem when it came to men or peoples perceptions of me and i dont like it
I guess this is all a by product of being dumped, he crushed my heart and my confidence too, my heart is on the mend so now to get my confidence back up and running

See this is why i like putting things on here, when it's in your head it's sort of like being on a roundabout in your car and you just cant see the turn off till someone say 'there it is' and all of a sudden your reaction is oh yeah! how did i not see that before, then , oh look there's the next turning iyswim
I probably would have spent a lot more time agonising over some of this if i hadnt put it on here, it never even crossed my mind about my childhood and the fact that actually, i'm not that bad a person so Thank you everyone xx

Hey Sov - good point about it being like a roundabout love - I know where you're coming from there!!!!
Yeah, up here people are very open I know. Mind you, I think the personal grooming thing is a problem for all of us women who suddenly find themselves in a dating situation after years of being with someone. My exh very geordie bloke, didn't expect me to shave anywhere down below, if I asked him if I looked nice before we went out he would say "Aye, pet, lovely" and the only thing he ever wanted me to do was wear a skirt cos he said I had nice legs! But you know, things have changed for women and I'm going to go on a little feminist rant now. When we were younger, we weren't expected to look like fecking porn stars, with fake nails, lashes, curled hair, huge boobs, tiny girl figures and shaved fannies ffs. That was what prostitues, porn stars and page 3 girls did and men knew the difference between normal women and those type of women. Nowadays, though, we've got a generation of young men who have been exposed to porn on the internet, in blokes' magazines like Zoo (which didn't exist when we were younger) and so they EXPECT women to look shaved and slightly unnatural. We've got a generation of twenty something men who've never seen a hairy fairy and a generation of twenty something women who think that pubic hair is unnatural. Arghhhhh! It boils me, it really does. Then there's us. We were happily with men who grew up before this time and so didn't expect us to look like made up pre-pubescent girls but now we are thrown into the dating ring again, we feel suddenly insecure and confused about what we're meant to look like and whether anyone will find us attractive. Rest assured, if you're going for anyone over the age of 35, you'll be fine, cos unless you're with some sort of narc or poser in that age group,. they couldn't care less about fannies being shaved. My exbf thought that fake nails, eye lashes etc were grim. As for exh, I'm afraid his answer would be "Eh? What? I don't fecking know, I'm a fecking bloke not a..." well, yes. So what I did when I started dating was shave a little bit donw there (mainly cos I've developed grey feckin pubes thanks to stress of kids and exes!!!) but stayed myself. Aye, I bought some nice things, started wearing a bit of makeup, but that's it. I haven't transformed into Jordan. Cos reallly, if any man I meet wants Jordan, then I sure as hell don't want him! I'll try and find a link to the shaver I buy. It's 6 quid, so not cheap but it lasts for ages and it's much cheaper than owt else. Love to you boro girl. Us northerners rock you know x

Ok Sov, here's the razor

Oh I do get my eyebrows waxed and my moustache taken off at local beautician's. I do that for me though cos I feel crap without having it done every so often. Get your eyebrows done professionally once, then you will be able to keep them trim in line with what the woman did. Just don't overpluck when you're stressed. I nearly made mine disappear at one point and had to grow em back! Mind you, I'm bloody hairy. It makes me feel really self conscious actually - it's a constant plucking battle here! :)

Ok so now you all know all my beauty secrets. Bloody hell. If times get hard, I could always let it all grow and join the circus. Think of the savings.

Googoo need a giggle icon!

Back tomorrow :)

Helloooo? Anyone there...?

i am :o

How you doing? your post at 12.42 made me laugh so much and you are sooo right too!

Glad I made you giggle lovely girl. Feeling a bit morose today. Haven't taken any ADs since I had tummy bug last week so that's probably why. Just need to remember what's good in life and stop missing people who are no good for me :)

I had a mega crash on Sunday,broke my heart in church then cried for an hour and a half on the phone to my pal.Then Monday ,Tuesday back to myself again.just lots going on atm,but always a shock when it happens.No short cuts googs but we will get there.

Thanks Patience. So sorry you had a crap Sunday. Wish I was a believer, cos when I was church used to really help. You're right - I'm just looking hard for stars tonight x

Ladies had to pop in & report I have a date . Set for Thurs night so Goo depending on your plans we might have a double dumpling date night on Thurs night . Am loving your posts about lady gardens lol

Well date is with a guy from online site. He's travelling two hours to meet me so think distance could be a problem as no way am I travelling two hours to meet anyone! But I just decided to hell with it you only live once & I'd better get myself back out there. Strangely when I went back on the dating site the 29 yr old toy boy that had been pursuing me a few wks back is still looking to meet up . As I had to shave my legs due to the hot weather who knows I might even agree to meeting up with him too at some stage .

Goo, thank you for your post on the other thread. It was v beneficial to hear the point of view of someone who has experience of situations like this. We've been out the past few days so I haven't seen him since. Also perhaps I didn't clarify but dd wasn't upset by it at all, she just found it funny.

X post

Goo, sorry to hear you're feeling morose today. Are you going back on the AD's or are you weaning off??

Patience, it's horrible when you're going through pain like that but to be expected I guess with access again after so long with no contact. Hope you start feeling better soon.

starting met my nm on dating site - he's about an hour and half away - which suits us really well, he has job with long hours and I have my job and girls and I actually like the distance keeping things (at arms length doesn't seem the right thing to say) but just not giving the relationship the opportunity to get really serious (at the moment) hope that makes sense :)

Good luck gal! I am getting hairer by the day now I've hit 40! pluck, tweeze, shave.....

Thanks starting and googs,really pushed me forwards tbh ,made me see how far I have travelled ,I guess sometimes any inner pain has to come out if not it stays locked inside.I need to be free of X b4 I date again and I'm nearly there.
Nice one re Thursday,maybe SB man will b around Thursday,don't think I will be able to resist asking him out tbh

Starting, good luck on thursday, i have arranged a few dates then have cancelled where i have just lost my nerve and it just doesnt seem to be taking off, i'm not sure what's wrong with me as in a normal situation ie meeting through friends or in the pub i'm fine, i feel like i'm more a you gotta meet me to appreciate me kinda gal and it worries me about meeting up with someone i dont really know, i also think that's where a lot of my insecruties are stemming from, if i meet someone in a pub and they ask me out thats fine because they have already seen me and liked me whereas online they may be repulsed by the sight of me upon meeting iyswim you cant tell an awful lot from a photo and i just dont want them thinking i've misled them in any way

Kate, pluck, tweeze, shave bar the shaving the rest i'm going to have to learn and im already 31, should have learned this a very long time ago

Patience (((HUGS))) am so sorry you had a hard time of it the last few days, it's best to get out whatever way you can and then move on from it, but then i dont need to tell you that as your usually the one telling us :)

Goo, sorry your not on top of the world atm, feel it and let it out (((hugs))) for you too

Wonder how getting's settling in :)

Waves madly to everyone and hopes your all doing good, if your not dont be afraid to post and let it out, i myself dont let it out all the time and end up in a spin but i'm getting there

Lol Patience, go for it

Kate, yes I've an older friend & it's now coming back to me that she said when she hit 40 hairs started sprouting out of everywhere . I'm not 40 yet but have noticed legs have gotten hairer & hairs have gone from blond to black . Only problem I have with distance really is that if we were to click & it got physical the location could be a big problem! I wouldn't want to bring him to my house & no way would I travel 2 hours for a bit of physical relief!! Anyway, will go along anyway for the laugh.