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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It is all over with DH

246 replies

glitterfairy · 27/10/2005 03:32

THought I would start a new thread on this. I went to relate tonight and told DH I wanted a proper separation. He was also told by our counsellor that relate could no longer work with him until he had been on a course for abusive and violent men.

He reacted in kind by saying why didnt they recommend me to go anger management course and what about me owning up to my problems. In the end he left the session saying he would divorce me as soon as possible. At one point he said I should leave the house. When I said I would take the kids with me he said fine take them I pay the mortgage!

He has been a complete ass and frankly I need to move on. I feel strangely calm but know he will now exert financial control and his anger will be increased and directed at me. He cannot see that he has done anything wrong and still insists that when I called the police the other week because he attacked me I had lost perspective and control.

In the end I need to grieve for this relationship but move on.

OP posts:
fullofturkeymoonfiend · 25/11/2005 09:15

glitterfairy, not much I can say that others haven't already said, except I wish you strength, luck, serenity and light at the end of your tunnel! Also, have you come accross Women's Aid, a national charity which offers a 24-hour free helpline for support, advice etc for women who suffer or have suffered from an abusive relationship (that includes violence, sexual, emotional and psychological abuse). The number is 0800 2000 247. Hugs and best wishes to you and your kids. x

anorak · 25/11/2005 09:37

I wish people who post on mumsnet asking for advice about their affairs would read threads like this. How can this woman look at herself in the mirror knowing that her 'love' affair is causing so much strife?

As for him, he just disgusts me. His leaving will one day seem like the best thing that ever happened to you, glitterfairy, trust me on that.

maturer · 25/11/2005 10:42

anorak- I totally agree. When i read those thraeds about "thinking about having an affair etc" I want to screan at them saying you have NO idea the pain you are about to bring into your lives and the ripple effect - family, friends,memories it is so devastating. poor GF is proof of that.
The other party manges to detach themselve from the reality- "it's not their fault- they aren't the married one with kids etc"so they convince themselves that they have no part in the pain and destruction- "his choice...."
When my dh had an affair SHE had no kids and at the point when I thought he was going to leave me and our 3 beautiful children for her I went to see her.
She tried to tell me she knew how i was feeling because her sister had children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She alsi went to great lengths to say "I've never asked him to leave you...." What does having sex with someone elses husaband and bombarding them with messages of undying love amount to.............you are not asking for a stroll in the park!
Sorry GF- side tracked just feel so angry for you and brings back my own anger this time last year. (fortunately for us my dh suddenly woke up to the reality of losing us all and we are working it out)
GF you are strong and a great mum- you'll get through all this and will have a better life eventually. My heart goes out to you having lookied onto that particular well of misery.Take care.

Jackstini · 25/11/2005 18:31

Oh GF - he is such a sh*t. What are you doing tonight while the girls go over to see him? Worried about you sitting in and fretting about it all night.(((hugs)))
Every time he behaves like this, keep remembering he is actually just proving you right for wanting him out of your life. He may want to break you into tiny pieces but he will not succeed You are far too strong and too good a person for that.
Little story - the first time my sister and I met our Dad's 'new woman' we kept pouring vodka into her wine all night and she ended up being sick as a dog! Sure this is not on your dd's minds but thought the image may raise a smile

Original poster
glitterfairy · 25/11/2005 21:06

I know today that he is reading this thread guys as he has taken steps to cover his tracks so I am going to be careful what I say and may have to change my name.

This is very sad as this has been a virtual lifeline to me! He took them bowling and I gave dd a mobile so she has sent me some very funny texts.

I took my ds to his tutor and then played around at home. She is apparently enjoying herself she has no children and never wanted them but is happy to pinch mine! Well she will never ever be their mum and the more I find out about dh and his behaviours the worse I think her life will be. He is trying to say I am all sorts of things and he will not succeed. XH If you are reading this you are a total worm and I hope you rot in hell for what you have done to this family. Read what others have said about you and I hoep when you lie in bed at night it keeps you awake although I doubt it.

OP posts:
Original poster
glitterfairy · 25/11/2005 21:11

Also have to say that I have been to the womens Aid counsellors and they were really supportive and helpful. I was really grateful.

OP posts:
Original poster
glitterfairy · 27/11/2005 22:35

I am back I was bauble for a day then thought why let him scare me? I cannot talk any more about what he is doing but will just say things are continuing to be awful and he is still bullying and harrassing me.

Will still come here for support as why should I not?

OP posts:
Original poster
glitterfairy · 27/11/2005 23:15

I thought I would share this as well it is a letter my dd who is 6 gave me today. She is beetys god daughter and wrote this at the table as I watched without looking at any books or anything. I hope it gives some of the others who are going through this some insight into how much our kids know and love us. I have included her spellings as well.

Dear Mrs Glitter

Please keep this message in your head: You are a lovely mother and have a kind heart ignore what you dislike. Guide yourself through the path of love with no disractoin. Help the youngsters to grow and live but not let your self fail. grow like the others and may peace be with you adn have fun like them Armen. I hope this helps you to be happy please could you keep this because when your angry it might come in handy.

Lots of love your youngest daughter ..... xxxx

I cried and laughed when I read this!

OP posts:
nooka · 27/11/2005 23:25

Glitterfairy, not read the thread, but what a lovely letter from your dd. Children can be so lovely at times can't they! My two are so sweet when they think I am sad (my dh left about 7 weeks ago after two rocky years following his affair). I bet you will keep that letter for the rest of your life!

Papillon · 28/11/2005 21:49

What a daughter!

You must be proud as punch Glitter. And not suprised at your xh reading this thread.. hello there Mr. xGlitter.

Anyway I MUST go and get some sleep. Big kiss lovely lady

fullofturkeymoonfiend · 29/11/2005 19:50

Dear Mrs Glitter (love that ) Your 6-yr-old daughter is wiser than most of my friends. What a little star. x

kitegirl · 29/11/2005 20:00

What an amazing letter. complete outsider, me, but just wanted to say good luck, you will get through it and life at the other end will be so, so much better. I wish you all the love, courage and strength in the world.

SenoraPostrophe · 29/11/2005 20:14

gf - that letter is wonderful. what a lovely dd you have.

she missed out brave though.

Original poster
glitterfairy · 29/11/2005 21:58

thanks everyone and a special thanks to beets for being such a good friend through all of this. I am suddenly feeling stronger and better and although I am losing my hair in clumps I actually slept for the first time last night for 6 hours.

I know that I can get through this and whatever happens my life will be better in so many ways. the most important thing for me now is to try and protect my kids. I know to do that though I have to be ok and look after myself as well.

SO off to bed now for some proper rest! Maybe 7 hours tonight hurrah!

OP posts:
ninah · 30/11/2005 09:19

good luck to you glitter
you deserve the best - I hope the nightmare is drawing to an end and happier times are on their way for you soon

anorak · 30/11/2005 09:31

What a fantastic letter! Not only is your dd extraordinarily literate for a 6 year old but she is sensitive and kind too.

Original poster
glitterfairy · 01/12/2005 22:54

Anorak how did you manage your lodgers? I have to ask as I am thinking of going down that same road myself.

OP posts:
Papillon · 03/12/2005 10:34

Your inner child is starting to sleep better glitter Just what every mother wants eventually

So it goes that frequent waking was part of this new experience and life for your inner child. She needed to wake regularly for nuturing, crying, feeding and contemplation. How else can your body mind take in everything and grow?

Sometimes those midnight hours are the best time to unravel what has gone on during the day. Bless them and honour them and they will bring you reward and then sleep. Then you will be ready for those unconscious dreams of the night.

xxx

Original poster
glitterfairy · 03/12/2005 18:27

Oh Paps thank you. I agree you cannot struggle against the pain. Have had an awful day had to call the police again.Am still hanging in there though and I will get through this. I cannot say much more in case he is reading this but he will not break me.

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ninah · 05/12/2005 15:49

oh GOD gf! and you were looking for me .... hope to goodness you are OK
Maybe it's better they show their true colours iykwim, keeps us on the right road. More police involvement does back up your position, too, when it comes to the legal stuff.
Hope you can find a safe way to let us know what's happening. Thoughts. x

Original poster
glitterfairy · 05/12/2005 19:54

I cant really say what is happening until it is over when I will start a humungous thread! LOL I am ok just tired really of it all and wanting it over.

I will be fine I am sure and once he is gone and out of my life I will feel better. Thanks for thinking of me it really helps.

OP posts:
awayninahmanger · 06/12/2005 09:41

OK I thought that might be the case. I hope to set up home email account when I am on leave and as soon as I do I'll cat you. Yes of course am thinking of you. You have been immensely strong and brave and next year things WILL improve. If you can come through this as gracefully as you have done you can do anything, the sky's the limit. Keep going, gf!

Original poster
glitterfairy · 08/12/2005 08:03

THat woudl be good ninah!

OP posts:
glitterfairyonachristmastree · 11/12/2005 19:06

OK he is now saying that I am unhinged and need attention and hs said this in public!

winnie · 13/12/2005 10:23

GF, whatever is happening I am so sorry. He is a waste of space, your children are amazing and you will get through this. I've not been on line because of a house move but I just wanted you to know I've been thinking of you.
Winniex