It is all over with DH

[glitterfairy]

THought I would start a new thread on this. I went to relate tonight and told DH I wanted a proper separation. He was also told by our counsellor that relate could no longer work with him until he had been on a course for abusive and violent men.

He reacted in kind by saying why didnt they recommend me to go anger management course and what about me owning up to my problems. In the end he left the session saying he would divorce me as soon as possible. At one point he said I should leave the house. When I said I would take the kids with me he said fine take them I pay the mortgage!

He has been a complete ass and frankly I need to move on. I feel strangely calm but know he will now exert financial control and his anger will be increased and directed at me. He cannot see that he has done anything wrong and still insists that when I called the police the other week because he attacked me I had lost perspective and control.

In the end I need to grieve for this relationship but move on.

My solicitor emailed today to tell me to relax and not let it get to me. She said we will go after him if he makes any more allegations but relax until he does its early days and much of this may be bluster. She has also warned me that he seems to be pursuing me in a highly conflictual way though and this may get even nastier.

You are right though ninah I have been the reasonable one here and the courts will decide in the end. Until then he can p**s off.

Hi Glitter

If you could step out of your emotions for a pause you can see this as a chess board piece of tatics. Every move of the game must be observed. And you have been "playing" with good observation thus far.

I am going to step into the Yurt now and will not peek too much at you and the sunflower man in the hot tub

You are so right paps. My emotions always get the better of me though! I shall practise stepping outside.

quite right too, you're a human being! prob is he knows this and knows which buttons to press
p had a go at me the other day and I could see him stepping back watching to see I was getting upset - but I didn't, and it really phased him!
save your emotions for your children, they sound lovely by the way.

Thanks ninah they are although a little wild sometimes!

Because my ds is in a professional pantomime now have to meet dh tomorrow evening to discuss childcare! Oh God am dreading it I really really wanted to just lie low and let the solicitors handle him. I am going to have to eat humble pie and ask for help as I cannot do it any other way and I cannot let ds down! How depressing.

GF - you are not asking for help - you are giveing him the privilege of spending time with his kids! If he is as bothered about access as he tells his solicitor he is, he can hardly be anything but delighted to look after them!

glitterfairy, it is not about eating humble pie, it is about x taking some responsibility.

I am sorry that it is even more stressful than ever.

It will be worth it in the end.

He is not worth you making yourself ill over... you can do this

Went out with a friend who managed to upset me. She is from the village where he is now living with her where he used to live with me and where we had our kids and set up home. I have many friends there and was chair of governors etc.

Apparently he is being secretive no longer but went hand in hand to church with her on rememberance sunday and is always there with her going to things.

I have had three hours sleep and my eldest found me crying. I know it is like this but it is so hurtful when everyone tells me. She was not being malicious but wanted to tell me to give up on him.

I have to see him today now and am dreading it as I am all churned up and angry again. Want to hurl them both off a cliff!

oh dear gf so sorry
don't know what to say that will help but thinking of you, hope you can keep calm and sort out childcare with him

Glitterfairy, have been following your thread. Reminds me so much of what I went through with my ex.
I'm certain your friend didn't intend on you being upset. Friends think they're doing the right thing by being honest with you, but really you wish they'd kept their mouth shut! I had a friend who used to be straight on the phone when she found out anything about my ex. It would hurt like hell to be told how loved up he and his new girlie were, but, I rose above it. You WILL be fine. It may take time, but remember this, YOU ARE THE BETTER PERSON.

((((glitter))))

GF - good luck today. It hurts hearing friends talk about him and HER like that, _but it does confirm you are so doing the right thing.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

Glitterfairy, my Mum is terminally ill and when she asked me if h has met someone else I am ashamed to say I nearly snapped her head off

It hurts so much to 1) hear the truth 2) hear what other people are thinking/saying. It doesn't even matter if you agree with them it simply hurts to know that the person you loved and trusted adn put so much faith in treated you so badly.

I am so sorry you have not had enough sleep and are feeling so bad. It is early days and you will have good days and bad days. Some days I wonder that I fuction at all (yesterday this happened to me because I found an 'I love you ' text from him on my work phone from late August.
I can't get my head around his lies

Rise above it, you are a better person

sorry for typos. I swear I am getting worse

Thanks guys. Winnie, your mum wont mind I have specialised in terminal care in my nursing career and I always think we are rudest to the people we know we can trust the most and who we care about the most! It is amazing and often relatives will get very upset at how horrible the dying person is being but actually and this sounds wierd it is an honour! Big hug though!

I am feeling a little better as my sister told me to get a grip on the phone and said I had wanted to get rid of him because of his abusive behaviour, he had made me so unhappy for so many years and been so awful. She just said of course it hurts but this is in part what you wanted and the way it has happened is wrong and hurtful but still dont ever think you are weak and it is not in your control.

I will see how it goes tonight and if it is awful will just say fine leave it to our solicitors but in the meantime your kids are being hurt. I will then make notes on when he has said he could help and when not! I will not let him keep them in the house overnight but will say he has to take them elsewhere and that is his problem. I think if he stays overnight it may affect any residency claim but if he has them elsewhere I can just say he has somewhere to see them. It wont be pleasant for them as they have said they do not want anything to do with her but I need a life too and they said they wanted to see more of him. I just need to make it clear they can but not at home.

yes, you've got to look at it that way - you're not losing someone loving who made you happy. What kind of relationship is it where you have to call the police? not right, not healthy ... there is a better way for you xx

just wanted to send you hugs too

Im lucky in a way as my H is hundreds of miles away and so his entire life is separate to mine and always will be - I dont know anyone he works with and no friends down there so the only people who will talk about him will be DS and in-laws....and they wont want to upset me

just remember ladies - there are plenty of others whove been there and come out OK and so will we....I bumped into a lady in supermarket today who is 20 yrs old than me and she was in my situation yrs ago - all turned out ok

I had a dream last night where I was going round smiling telling people my news, and everyone else was upset, but I just kept saying "women are strong, men are weak, which is why I'll be OK"

perhaps my sub concious was trying to tell me something

Glitterfairy, thanks for your comments about Mum.
How did your meeting with h go?

Mrs. Miggins, I wish I had dreams like that instead of ones that make me feel my body isn't on my side

THanks everyone. I totally lost it unfortunately. He provoked me until I called her a f**g W**e in front of the kids. They cried it was awful.

He was saying he would take them to be with her as i would not let him stay in the house any more. I said ok in the end and then he said he wnated them to spend some time with her this weekend MY WEEKEND so that they could get to know her. It was all too much I said no and then he said fine I wont help with childcare then and then I lost it and shouted and screamed.

The kids asked me to say sorry as he was leaving so I did and he actually smiled. he was enjoying it all. In the end we talked then for another hour after which I chucked him out whispering horrible things at him so the kids didnt hear.

I have now persuaded the kids to meet her becaue I think it will be better for them in the end and phoned him. He refused to answer at her house but only on his mobile pretending he wasnt there! He also then got each of the kids to tell him they wanted to meet her which they did with me egging them on it was so awful I am in a complete mess.

They are now going to see her tomorrow. My eldest ds has told me she overheard him and his dad talking about the quickest way to divorce me and get me out of his life this weekend! I have been married to a lying cheating t**r. Oh god I am so upset. This is so awful.

I have also got the awful suspicion that he was recording me on his palm and that he is now stalking me on the web!

He wants to break me into tiny pieces now.

more (((((()))))) How upsetting for you Glitter, he wanted to be friends not long ago!! All this verbal muscle flexing is not on - I know its hard but when he upsets you see if you can try to step away from the emotion and view his words and actions as those of someone who exerts bad energy that you do not wish to receive. Ground and protect your personal space and turn the other cheek.

As you saw last night verbal power games only make him a bigger monster. View him as getting smaller and smaller until the big monster becomes diminished. Just like kids visualisations for night time monsters!

Have left you a message in the Yurt.

Paps am sobbing as he arrived this morning to take the kids to school. He then started again. He says he is being reasonable here. We then talked to the kids who said they did not want to meet her he said well you did last night and they said because mum persuaded us to. He then said I will be living with her and you will have to meet her. The girls both agreed to meet her but ds has said he never ever wants to meet her. He is staying with me tonight whilst the girls go to meet her.

You are right I need to to deflect his negative stuff but it is so hard. Also hormones all over the place as period started today! Very very teary and emotional.

Let out those tears, they have every right to be there. Men lose so much by not crying as we women do!!

I am on a Rumi role today lol Crying out loud, that vunerable breaking open in the psyche, allows the milk of grace starts to flow.

I am proud for your ds saying he does not want to meet her. It is not a contest.

Thanks paps you always make me feel better.

Shit I think my mucus plug just went glitter !! Am off to hospital shortly anyway with my midwife. Have mentioned about it abit in the Yurt and on Transverse lie thread in childbirth. Just in case I am not around for afew days.